Trolling for Terror

  • Season 1, Ep 12
  • 11/03/2010

Randall shambles his way onto an all-creature reality show, and a troll wrestles with riddle addiction.

HMM.[sligh]

HMM.

splash!

- WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUTTHIS ONE?

- I THINK IT'S MINE, AND I WISHYOU WERE WEARING PANTS.

- NONE OF YOUR PANTS FIT.

- RANDALL,WHAT'S WITH THE GROOMING?

THIS REALLY CONFLICTS WITHYOUR CASUAL HOBO LOOK.

- CAN'T DO CAS-HOB TONIGHT,DUDE.

I GOT INTO THE NIGHT TERRORS'HOUSE.

- NIGHT TERRORS. WHA?

ISN'T THIS THE REALITY SHOWWHERE THEY THROW

A BUNCH OF HORNY IDIOTSINTO A HOUSE TOGETHER

JUST SO PEOPLE CAN WATCH THEMHOOK UP AND FIGHT?

- VISHNU HAS FINALLY ANSWEREDMY PRAYERS.

- HOW DID YOU GETON THIS SHOW ANYWAY?

- AUDITION TAPE.

I RE-EDITED THE VIDEO I MADE FORMY JOB INTERVIEW AT THE BANK.

RANDALL, THEY SAIDIT WAS IMPOSSIBLE

FOR SOMEONEWITH SO MUCH CHARISMA

TO BE AN UNSTOPPABLE MAN GOD.

HOW DID YOU PROVE THEM WRONG?

IT'S ALL ABOUTMY FOUR-PART PHILOSOPHY:

STRENGTH FITNESS,

SEX POWER,

DANCE AGGRESSION,

WINDSURFING.

UH?

- THEY'RE VERY LUCKYTO HAVE YOU.

- OKAY, EVERYONE, WE HAVE A NEWMEMBER JOINING US TODAY.

QUAGLE, WOULD YOU LIKETO INTRODUCE YOURSELF?

- IF YOU WISH TO AVOID DEMISE,

YOU MUST CONJURE MY NAMEWITHIN THREE TRIES.

- OH, GREAT.

HE'S PULLING A RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

- YOUR NAME IS QUAGLE.

MARK SAID IT, LIKE,FIVE SECONDS AGO.

- YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT WANT

TO HOLD BACK ON THE RIDDLES,FRIEND.

- I GOT A RIDDLE FOR YOU, SKIM.

WHO'S GOT NO OPPOSABLE DIGITSAND GETS LAID EVERY NIGHT?

THIS GUY.

- I HAVE RIDDLE TOO.

WHAT TASTES LIKE TERRIBLE FOOD?

IT'S MY WIFE'S COOKING.

[laughter]

IT REALLY IS NOT GOOD.

[laughs]

IT'S REALLY TERRIBLE.

- OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYSTAKE IT OUTSIDE.

- OH, GOD.OH, GOD.

- LOOK, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING

YOU HAVE IN COMMONWITH EVERYONE.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN?

- THE ANSWERTO THIS RIDDLE POSED

IS HOW I KEEP SO INDISPOSED.

- IS THE ANSWER TO THAT RIDDLE,RIDDLES?

- [sighs]YEAH.

NIGHT TERRORS IS MY FAVORITESERIES, MARK.

RIGHT BEHIND SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DISEMBOWEL.

- MARK LILLY.

- GREAT.SIGN HERE.

INITIAL HERE.THUMBPRINT HERE.

SECONDARY THUMBPRINT HERE.

AND IF I COULD JUST...

- OW!HEY!

- VERY GOOD, SIR.

- YOU GUYS ARE REAL, RIGHT?

- HELLO.

- WOW, THIS IS NOT AS EXCITING

AS IT IS ON TELEVISION.

- CAMERA 12!CAMERA 27!

BATHROOM CAM!

- AH!

- CAMERA 12!CAMERA 12!

BORING!

CUE JOCK JAM!

- ALL RIGHT.

- NOT SEXY ENOUGH!

CUE SPRINKLERS!

- OH, SO WET IN HERE.

- TOO SEXY!CUE KITTEN "B" ROLL!

[cat meows]

- TOO PRECIOUS.

CUE LEATHERFACE!

[screaming]

CUE STATUS QUO!

- AND I WAS LIKE,"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT."

- CUT. REWIND THAT BACK.

NOW ZOOM IN.

IS THAT SHEILA YAWNINGON MY SET?

BRING HIM TO ME.

HEY, WHERE'S MY DRAMATIC STING?

- OOPS, SORRY, SIR.

[dramatic beat]

- IT'S TOO LATE.THE MOMENT'S PASSED.

THE GUY SHOWS CLASSIC SIGNS

OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITYDISORDER.

- UH-HUH.

- THIS WHOLE PRODUCING THINGIS JUST A WAY

FOR HIM TO EXERCISEHIS EGOMANIA.

- TOTALLY.

- GIVE SOMEONE LIKE THATMILLIONS OF DOLLARS

AND A CAMERA CREW?

HE COULD ACTUALLY BE A DANGERTO SOCIETY.

- YOU SAID IT.

[knocking at door]

- WHAT DID I MISS?

THE BEAN DIP REFUSED TO SET.

- GRIMES?WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WE ALWAYS WATCH NIGHT TERRORS TOGETHER, MARK.

IT'S KIND OF OUR THING.

COSMO?

- YOU KNOW IT, GIRLFRIEND.- OH, GREAT.

- TONIGHT ON NIGHT TERRORS,

SHE WAS FALLINGFOR RANDALL,

BUT WILL A HANDSOME STRANGER

BECOME GALEN'S NEW OBJECTOF DESIRE?

- OH, PLEASE DON'T LETTHAT BE ME.

- HELLO.

DAMN IT!- HEY!

- OW!

- HOW DARE YOU FLIRTWITH SOME STRANGER.

- WAIT, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOTHOW IT OPENED.

YOU WERE THERE.

- LOOKED REAL TO ME.

- OKAY, EVERYONE, TODAY WE'REGOING TO TALK ABOUT PRIVACY.

IT IS THE FOUNDATIONOF A CIVIL SOCIETY.

- HEY, MARK LILLY!

PREPARE FOR AN ASS KICKINGYOU CAN NOT PREPARE FOR.

- RANDALL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS WHERE I WORK.

- JUST ROLL WITH IT, DUDE.

IT'S GONNA BE GREATFOR RATINGS.

- YOU STOLE MY GIRL!

THE CAMERA LOVES YOU.

- WHY...

[dance music]

WHAT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YOU HAVE 30 SECONDSOF CONSCIOUSNESS, MARK.

SO LISTEN CAREFULLY.

BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU,

ACTUAL REALITY WILL SEEMSO MUNDANE,

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO STOMACHYOUR REAL LIFE.

- YOU'RE--YOU'RE INSANE.

- YOU WANT INSANE?

I ONCE TOOK A CRAP IN A BAG

AND SENT IT TO A NETWORK,

AN ACTUAL BAG OF CRAP!

THEY BOOKED 24 EPISODES!

YOU WANT TO BLAME SOMEONE,MARK,

THEY CREATED THE MONSTERSTANDING IN FRONT OF YOU.

- I ALWAYS WONDERED WHERE BAG OF CRAP CAME...

FROM...

- AND...

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

- REVERSE LIPOSUCTION, MARK.

YOUR PERSONALWEIGHT-LOSS JOURNEY

WILL TOUCH THE HEARTSOF MILLIONS.

- LISTEN, CLARK.

AH!

YOU ARE CLEARLY HAUNTED

BY SOME SORT OFCHILDHOOD TRAUMA.

- NO TIME FOR THAT, MARK.WEIGH-IN IS IN 30 MINUTES.

- [groans]

- OKAY, LET'S GET HIM PUMPED.

AND SAVE THE FAT.

I HAVE A NEW IDEA FOR A SHOW.

I DARE YOU TO EAT THAT.

- WERE YOU BULLIED AS A CHILD?

DID YOUR FATHERWITHHOLD AFFECTION?

- WRONG, AND WRONG AGAIN, MARK.

- [sobbing] I'M SO HAPPY.

[gunfire]

- CLARK, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME.

YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.

I'M A SOCIAL WORKER.THIS IS WHAT I DO.

boom!

MAYBE YOU JUST HADA REALLY MUNDANE CHILDHOOD,

AND NOW YOU FEEL THE NEEDTO COMPENSATE

WITH ALL THESE OVERPRODUCEDSCENARIOS.

- MY GOD, MARK.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ME.

I'M READY TO GO HOME NOW.

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