Tuesday, September 13, 2016

  • 09/13/2016

Moshe Kasher, Aisling Bea and Chris D'Elia decide whether or not to forgive Ryan Lochte, list #InternetTVShows and read George W. Bush's deleted emails.

TALL-TALE GOLD MEDALISTRYAN LOCHTE

HAS STARTED HIS FORGIVENESS TOURWITH AN APPEARANCE

ON THE NEW SEASONOF DANCING WITH THE STARS.

IF EVERYONE'S DANCING,EVERYTHING'S FINE.

AND THIS TIME,HE WAS REALLY ALMOST MUGGED.

-LIAR! -GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOUS:THERE IT IS.

PROTESTERS COME ON TO THE STAGE.THEY'RE GRABBED BY SECURITY.

SECURITY TAKES HIM DOWNRIGHT THERE.

-WHOA.-(LAUGHTER)

-YEAH, MAMBO NUMBER FIVE-O.-(LAUGHTER)

UH, I WONDER IF THAT PROTESTERIS GONNA TELL EVERYONE

THAT HE WAS ALMOST ROBBED. UH...

-(LAUGHTER)-COMEDIANS, IT'S BEEN

NEARLY A WHOLE MONTH SINCE RYANLOCHTE'S CONTROVERSIAL RUN-IN

WITH A BRAZILIAN GAS STATION,AND NOW HE'S DANCING ON THE TV.

I DON'T KNOW HOWTO FEEL ABOUT HIM.

IS IT TIME TO FORGIVE HIM?DO WE FORGIVE HIM?

ARE WE NOT OKAY WITH HIM?

-NO. -NO.-WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

-WHOA! -DUDE.-(LOUD AUDIENCE CHATTER)

THE AUDIENCE HASSOME VERY STRONG OPINIONS.

VERY STRONG OPINIONS.

A LOT OF SWEARING IN PORTUGUESEFROM THE AUDIENCE. UH...

MOSHE, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YEAH, I'M TIRED OF THE ATTITUDE.

I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANYTHINGTO BE FORGIVEN FOR.

HE'S A HERO.HE'S AN AMERICAN.

THAT'S HOW WE DO IT.

WE GO TO YOUR COUNTRY,WIN A GOLD MEDAL, PISS ON IT,

AND THEN GO DO THE FOXTROTBACK HOME.

-HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.-(LAUGHTER)

STRAIGHT UP, I'M TIREDOF BRAZIL. I'M TIRED OF BRAZIL

WITH YOUR PERFECT-ASSED WOMENAND YOUR PERFECT BEACHES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GREW UP IN THE BAY AREA.DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY

CAPOEIRA CIRCLESI HAD TO PRETEND

TO BE INTERESTED IN GROWING UP?

-HARDWICK: YEAH.-(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)

GET BIT, BRAZIL.

POINTS. YEAH. CHRIS D'ELIA.

I THINK HE'S BETTERAT DANCING AROUND THE TRUTH.

-YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HEY.-WHOA! -WHOA!

BUT, NO. BUT HE DID GO TO BRAZILAND PEE ON THEIR THINGS.

I MEAN, IF I...

HE WENT TO ANOTHER COUNTRYAND DID THAT.

IF I MISS THE TOILET BOWL AT MYMOM'S HOUSE, I GET IN TROUBLE.

OKAY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SO, LET'S, UH...

THIS GUY PISSED

ON ONE OF BRAZIL'SMOST IMPORTANT LANDMARKS--

A GAS STATION DOOR, OKAY?

-(LAUGHTER)-YEAH.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS, INSTEAD OF

FOCUSING ON MAKING AMERICAGREAT AGAIN,

LET'S MAKE BRAZIL GREATFOR ONCE.

HARDWICK:ALL RIGHT.

-(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE & CHEERING)-YEAH.

SO MUCHFOR FORGIVING HIM OR NOT.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

-AISLING.-WELL, AMERICA,

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HIMDANCE OFF A CLIFF.

THIS IS SO INTERESTING--

THE WAY AMERICA PUNISHESITS WHITE MEN. ON A...

"WHAT'S THAT, BILL CLINTON?YOU LIED UNDER OATH.

"WELL, YOU CAN BE DAMN SUREYOU'LL CONTINUE

TO BE PRESIDENTFOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS."

-(LAUGHTER) -HARDWICK: YEAH.-"WHAT'S THAT, RYAN LOCHTE?

"YOU VANDALIZE A TOILET, ANDTHEN BLAME THE POOR BRAZILIANS.

"WELL, YOU CAN BE DAMN SUREWE ARE GOING TO PUT YOU STERNLY

"ON ONE OF THE MOSTHIGHEST-GROSSING TV SHOWS

"IN THE WHOLE OF EARTH.

-NOW DON'T YOU DO IT AGAIN!"-HARDWICK: LISTEN.

-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)-"DO NOT DO IT AGAIN!"

NOW IT'S TIMEFOR TONIGHT'S #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING)

THE EMMYS ARE SUNDAY,AND IF YOU LOOK AT THE NOMINEES,

YOU'LL NOTICE, FIRST OF ALL,THAT WALKING DEAD

DIDN'T GET NOMINATED, AND THATIS (BLEEP)ING BULL(BLEEP)!

-IT'S A GOOD SHOW! ALL RIGHT.-AUDIENCE MEMBERS: YEAH!

ANYWAY, IF YOU WATCH...THE EMMYS ARE THIS SUNDAY,

AND IF YOU LOOK AT THE NOMINEES,YOU'LL NOTICE

THE GROWING INFLUENCEOF ONLINE STREAMING SERVICES.

COMPANIES LIKE HULU,CRACKLE AND SEESO

ARE GETTING TAKEN VERY SERIOUSLY

EVEN THOUGH THEY ALL SOUNDLIKE KNOCKOFF TELETUBBIES.

SO... WE'RE GONNA HELPTHE INTERNET KILL THE VIDEO.

START WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAG#INTERNETTVSHOWS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: EVERYBODY FAVES RAYMOND;

AND: HOW I MET YOUR MOTHERBOARD.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

-AISLING. -2 BROKE GIRLS 1 CUP.

-YES, POINTS!-(LAUGHTER)

OH! BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.

-CHRIS D'ELIA. -HARAMBE-WATCH.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

-MOSHE KASHER. -BBW HUNTER, TEXAS RANGER.

-YES, POINTS!-(LAUGHTER)

-CHRIS D'ELIA. -BUFFERING THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

-POINTS! VERY GOOD!-(LAUGHTER)

-MOSHE. -I CAN HAS THE MACNEIL/LEHRER NEWSHOUR.

-POINTS.-(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE PEOPLE. CHRIS.

LAW & ORDERING GROCE... GROCERIES.

(LAUGHTER)

LAW & ORDERING...

GROCERIES!

-(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)-THAT'S SO FUNNY!

POINTS. AISLING.

UH, DOCTOR WHO SENT ME ALL THESE DICK PICS.

-POINTS.-(LAUGHTER)

-UH, MOSHE KASHER.-I GOT A DOCTOR ONE, TOO.

DR. QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN.GOV.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, CHRIS D'ELIA.

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE PRETENDING TO BE GIRLS OF A DIFFERENT AGE.

-ALL RIGHT, POINTS.-(LAUGHTER)

VERY GOOD. AISLING.

UM...

MURDER, SHE BLOGGED.

-YES, POINTS. VERY GOOD.-(LAUGHTER)

-MOSHE KASHER.-GOOD ONE.

AT MIDNIGHT, BUT INSTEAD OF THE WORD "AT,"

IT'S THE @ SYMBOLON THE KEYBOARD.

IT'S, LIKE,A MORE INTERNET VERSION...

-OH, YEAH, YEAH, OKAY, YEAH.-THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!

-I DON'T KNOW. I JUST... -THATWOULD NEVER! -THAT'S CRAZY.

-IT'S LIKE THIS SHOW,-YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

-BUT FOR INTERNET CULTURE.-NO, THAT WOULD NEVER, NEVER...

-D'ELIA. -THE BAE TEAM.

-ALL RIGHT.-(BLEEP)ING A-TEAM.

(BLEEP) YOU GUYS, DUDE.

-(APPLAUSE)-NAH, I DON'T WANT...

(STAMMERS)

YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.

IN THE MIDSTOF THE UNENDING E-MAIL SCANDAL

BESIEGING THE CAMPAIGN

OF ILL-EANOR ROOSEVELTHILLARY CLINTON,

UH, NE-NEWSWEEK IS REPORTING THIS WEEK

THAT THE ADMINISTRATIONOF FORMER PRESIDENT

AND BEST-CASE SCENARIOFORREST GUMP GEORGE W. BUSH

LOST 22 MILLION E-MAILS.AND MOST OF THEM

WERE HIM REPLYINGTO PENIS ENLARGEMENT SPAM.

(IMITATES BUSH):"DOCTORS HATE 'EM?

THIS SUMBITCH HAS GOT TO WORK."

UH, LIKE HILLARY, BUSH'S E-MAILSWERE STORED ON A PRIVATE SERVER.

UNLIKE HILLARY, HIS E-MAILS WEREWRITTEN IN 48-POINT COMIC SANS

AND ENDED WITH THE SIGNATURE"GIT-R-DONE."

SO, COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH

AS MANY DELETED GEORGE W. BUSHE-MAILS AS POSSIBLE

IN 60 SECONDS.AND BEGIN. AISLING.

UH, TODICKCHENEY@WHITEHOUSE.GOV.

SUBJECT: HA-HA,YOUR NAME MEANS WIENER.

POINTS. UH, MOSHE.

DEAR THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE,MY NAME'S GEORGE,

-AND I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.-POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

UH, JUST WATCHED WEST WING.

I WONDER IF IT'S REALLYLIKE THAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

POINTS. MOSHE.

DEAR CHRIS HARDWICK,JUST WATCHED @MIDNIGHT.

THERE WAS A BUNCH OF,UH, COMMERCIALS FOR COCAINE.

-WERE THOSE REAL?-UH, POINTS. -D'ELIA: AH!

-VERY GOOD. VERY WELL DONE.D'ELIA. -I'D LIKE A REFUND.

THIS CORNER TABLE DOESN'T FITANYWHERE IN THIS OVAL OFFICE.

POINTS. MOSHE.

SUBJECT: RE: DOING 9/11.

-ALL RIGHT, POINTS.-(LAUGHTER, GROANING)

POINTS. D'ELIA.

JEB, THREE WORDS:

GUACAMOLE BOWL.

POINTS. AISLING.

JEB, ME AGAIN.

I THINK I LEFT MY FAVORITE HATIN THE WHITE HOUSE.

CAN YOU RUN FOR PRESIDENTSO I CAN TRY AND GET IT BACK?

-ALL RIGHT... (LAUGHING)-THAT'S THE BEST ONE.

THAT'S THE BEST ONE.

POINTS TO AISLING BEA.