Monday, February 3, 2014

  • 02/03/2014

Megan Neuringer, Seth Herzog and Doug Benson catch up on fallout from the Super Bowl, read some Twitter rants from Kanye West and name Facebook events that no one would enjoy.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY.

THE SUPER BOWL WAS A BLOWOUT.

PEYTON MANNING AND THE BRONCOS

SCORED ONLY EIGHT POINTS MORE

THAN I DID.

(LAUGHTER)

THANKS TO REDDIT USER CESSNA

PILOT BOY, WHO MADE THIS GIFT

BEFORE THE GAME HAD ACTUALLY

FINISHED.

AND THERE IT GOES.

(LAUGHTER)

IN FACT, PEYTON MANNING WAS SO

SAD THAT BARTBOX CREATED THIS

MAGIC ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

WAS THAT THE DOG THAT LOST THE

PUPPY BOWL?

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> Chris: FOR 100 POINTS, GUYS,

PLEASE CAPTION THIS WORK OF

INTERNET ART.

YES, DOUG BENSON?

>> DON'T GET UPSET WHEN THEY

LOSE A BOWL, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO DOUG BENSON.

MEGAN, YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHOT?

>> WE BOTH TOOK A DUMP ON A

FIELD ON SUNDAY.

>> Chris: YES!

POINTS FOR MEGAN NEURINGER,

WELL DONE.

(APPLAUSE)

PERHAPS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF

ANY PROFESSIONAL SPORTING EVENT

EVER WAS THE TWO-MINUTE

COMMERCIAL THAT AIRED LOCALLY IN

GEORGIA DURING THE SUPER BOWL

AND IMMEDIATELY WENT VIRAL ON

YOUTUBE.

DID YOU GUYS SEE IT YET?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO

SHOW YOU?

OKAY, GOOD.

HERE'S PART OF THIS AMAZINGNESS.

>> DADDY, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN

YOU GO TO WORK?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S NOT GUITAR PLAYING.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THIS A

COMMERCIAL FOR?

IS IT:

DOUG BENSON.

>> C-- IT'S A PERSONAL INJURY

LAWYER WHO HATES TOMBSTONES.

>> Chris: HE DOES NOT LIKE

TOMBSTONES!

THAT IS IN FACT, YES, A PERSONAL

INJURY LAWYER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AGAIN, LAST NIGHT WAS A

THRASHING IN THE SPORT OF

FOOTBALLING, FORCING PEOPLE TO

DOT UNTHINKABLE AT SUPER BOWL

PARTIES-- HAVE ACTUAL

CONVERSATION ABOUT THINGS.

WE DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN

AGAIN, WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS

#SUPERBOWLIMPROVEMENTS,

#SUPERBOWLIMPROVEMENTS.

NOW, 115 MILLION PEOPLE DID

WATCH THE SUPER BOWL.

STILL THINK THERE ARE THINGS

THAT COULD BE IMPROVED ON.

EXAMPLES WOULD BRUNO ON MARS, OR

RED VELVET URINAL CAKES.

OR CONCUSSION CAMS-- OH, THAT

WOULD BE SO RAD.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK.

STARTING NOW, GO.

YES, DOUG?

>> STRIPPERS ON THE GOALPOST.

>> Chris: SURE, POINTS!

HERZOG?

>> MORE PENETRATION IN THE END

ZONE.

>> Chris: WHOA!

ALWAYS POINTS FOR THAT, MY

FRIEND.

MEGAN NEURINGER?

>> NOT FOOTBALL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WHAT?

THAT'S UNAMERICAN.

POINTS!

DOUG BENSON?

>> THE PLAYERS HAVE TO PUT ON A

HALFTIME SHOW.

>> Chris: OH, THAT WOULD BE

AMAZE-TASTIC.

POINTS.

YES, HERZOG?

>> MASCOT CANNON-- YOU SHOOT THE

MASCOT INTO THE STANDS.

(LAUGHTER)

MEGAN?

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

NO, SAY IT ANYWAY!

(BLEEP) THE BUZZER!

LET'S DO THIS!

>> JOE NAMATH NIP SLIP.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, FOR SURE.

SETH HERZOG?

>> REPLACE COIN TOSS WITH PIE

EATING CONTEST.

IT MIGHT TAKE LONGER, BUT IT

WOULD BE MORE FUN.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

DOUG BENSON?

>> WEED?

(LAUGHTER)

GET A ROOM.

CRAIGSLIST IS NOT ONLY A GREAT

PLACE TO HAVE ONE-NIGHT STANDS

WITH MURDERERS, BUT YOU CAN ALSO

FIND APARTMENTS ON IT SOMETIMES.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS

PHOTOS OF AN APARTMENT, AND FOR

250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO COME UP

WITH A BETTER LINE TO SELL IT

THAN THE REAL TAGLINE, ALL

RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE-- BASEMENT

FOR RENT, FEMALES ONLY.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, SETH HERZOG?

>> ONE WAY IN, NO WAY OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS-- HORRIBLE,

HORRIBLE, POINTS.

NEXT ONE-- $250 A MONTH, NOT AN

ACTUAL REAL BEDROOM.

IS THAT A... IT'S LIKE A PROMO

SHOT FOR HOARDERS.

YES, DOUG?

>> STUFF NOT INCLUDED.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

WAIT, THIS IS CRAZY.

SO IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A DOOR

UP HERE, AND THEN YOU JUST SORT

OF FALL ONTO THIS A PILE OF

GARBAGE.

>> THAT'S WHAT THE GARBAGE IS

THERE FOR, IS TO CATCH YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: FREE BOX FAN.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, $200 A

MONTH, IT'S OUT THE ROAD, SO

MUST BE WILLING TO DRIVE.

IT'S IN HAWAII.

YES, MEGAN?

>> THE ONLY BUS YOU'RE LEGALLY

ALLOWED IT TO JERK OFF IN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAY POINTS.

>> WOW.

>> THE GHOSTS OF CHILDREN ARE

FRIENDLY, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR DOUG BENSON

FOR THAT.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,

KANYE OR NAY.

I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT

KANYE WEST IS NOW MORE FAMOUS

FOR HIS TWITTER MELTDOWNS THAN

FOR ACTUALLY BEING A RAPPER.

SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU GUYS A

SUBJECT THAT KANYE HAS TWEETED

ABOUT, AND YOU TELL ME IF HE

THINKS ITS DOPE BY SAYING,

"KANYE," OR IF ITS WACK, "NAY."

SO HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

STRIPED SCARVES.

STRIPED SCARVES.

WHAT DOES HE THINK, DOUG BENSON?

>> KANYE!

>> KANYE, NO!

NO, NO, NAY.

>> WHAT?

HE'S WEARING... HE HAS ONE!

>> Chris: I KNOW HE'S WEARING

IT, DOUG.

>> HE'S WEARING ONE!

>> Chris: THAT IS THE MYSTERY OF

KANYE WEST.

>> BUT HOW DOES HE KNOW HE HATES

IT UNTIL HE WEARS IT?

>> BUT, BUT...

>> NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE

TELLING ME HE'S INTO GOLD

DIGGERS!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT, DOUG, I'LL GIVE

YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

GETTING WATER BOTTLES ON

FLIGHTS.

WATER BOTTLES ON FLIGHTS.

>> YES, SETH HERZOG?

>> KAN-NAY.

THAT'S RIGHT-- "I HATE WHEN I'M

A FLIGHT AND I WAKE UP WITH A

WATER BOTTLE NEXT TO ME, LIKE,

'OH, GREAT, NOW I'VE GOT TO BE

RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WATER

BOTTLE.'"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> "OH, (BLEEP), OH, (BLEEP)!

I'M TO THE GOING TO HEAR THE END

OF THIS WATER BOTTLE UNTIL IT

TURNS 18!"

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, YOU AND ME,

WATER BOTTLE, LET'S DO THIS SO

YOU CAN SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP.

LISTEN, THERE ARE FIREFIGHTERS,

PLEASE DON'T INVITE ME.

PLEASE?

YOU CANNOT GO ON FACEBOOK

WITHOUT GETTING 15 INVITES TO

EVENTS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY ARE OR WHO THE PERSON IS

INVITING YOU.

SO NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR

SMASHMOUTH COVER BAND OR GO TO

YOUR CHILI FART-OFF, GUYS.

I ASSUME THOSE ARE BOTH THE SAME

THING.

COMEDIANS, FOR TWO...

(LAUGHTER)

SOME GUY... DID YOU JUST GO,

"OH"?

LIKE, "TOO FAR, MAN."

"COME ON, WE WERE HAVING A GOOD

TIME HERE UNTIL YOU HAD TO DRAG

SMASHMOUTH INTO THE CROSSHAIRS."

COMEDIANS, FOR 250 POINTS I

WOULD LIKE TO NAME AS MANY

TERRIBLE FACEBOOK EVENTS AS

POSSIBLE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

MEGAN?

>> "LET'S WATCH A SPORT IN A

BAR."

OH, YEAH, I'M GIVING YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

THEY DON'T SUPPORT YOU, BUT

(BLEEP) YOU GUYS.

MY SHOW, MY POINTS.

YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN SHOW IF YOU

WANT TO GIVE OUR YOUR OWN

POINTS.

DOUG?

>> "PARTY IN FARRELL'S HAT."

>> Chris: THERE'S PLENTY OF

ROOM-- POINTS.

>> I WOULD GO TO THAT.

>> Chris: YES, DOUG?

>> "SMOKE-FREE WEED RALLY."

>> Chris: POINTS.

HERZOG?

>> "MY LATE LIFE BRIS."

FUN PARTY.

>> Chris: SETH IS ACTUALLY GOING

TO INVITE YOU TO THAT.

POINTS TO SETH.

YES, DOUG?

>> "DYSLEXICS AGAINST

FUDDRUCKERS."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD, SO MANY

POINTS.

SO MANY POINTS.

MEGAN NEURINGER?

>> "HELP ME PICK OUT A HEAD

SHOT."

>> Chris: OH, GOD, GOD, POINTS,

YEAH.

THAT'S HORRIFYING.

DOUG?

>> "REJECTED BY CHRISTIAN MINGLE

MIXER."

(LAUGHTER)

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