CC Presents: David Feldman

  • Season 7, Ep 19
  • 06/19/2003

AMSTERDAM.

[CHEERS]

THANK YOU.

WHERE PROSTITUTION IS LEGAL.

LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

I WAS JUST VACATIONING IN

AMSTERDAM BECAUSE PROSTITUTION

IS LEGAL.

[LAUGHTER]

GREAT BEING BACK IN MANHATTAN,

I FORGOT HOW EXPENSIVE THIS TOWN

IS.

CHECKING INTO THE HOTEL THIS

MORNING, I LITERALLY HAD TO GIVE

THE BELLHOP $10 JUST FOR TAKING

MY TIP.

[LAUGHTER]

SORRY IF I SEEMED A LITTLE

PISSED OFF, BUT I RAN ONE

OF THOSE NEW PHOTO-ENFORCED

INTERSECTIONS AND I GOT THE

TICKET YESTERDAY AND I LOOKED

AT IT.

AND I WENT "YEP, NO DOUBT ABOUT

IT, I NEED MORE HAIR PLUGS."

[LAUGHTER]

TRYING THIS NEW DRUG CALLED

PROSCAR.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS YOUNG

MAN?

PROSCAR?

IT'S A PROSTATE MEDICATION

WHOSE SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE HAIR

GROWTH.

AND I THINK IT'S BEGINNING TO

WORK BECAUSE LAST MONTH DURING

MY COLONOSCOPY MY DOCTOR TOLD ME

I HAD THE HAIRIEST PROSTATE

HE'S EVER SEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT I'M DOING IS I'M GROWING

THE HAIR ON MY PROSTATE

VERY LONG THEN COMBING IT UP

AND OVER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND AS LONG AS THERE'S NO

ILL WIND, I THINK IT LOOKS

PRETTY GOOD, DON'T YOU, LADIES,

HUH?

HUH, LADIES?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

YEAH, THERE'S A GOOD CAREER

MOVE, MENTIONING MY COLONOSCOPY

ON STAGE.

SEE, A LOT OF COMICS ARE AFRAID

OF GETTING OLDER, NOT ME.

I WELCOME MY GOLDEN YEARS 'CAUSE

I THINK THEY WILL GIVE ME TIME

TO DO THE THINGS I COULD NEVER

DO BEFORE.

LIKE GETTING VERY SICK AND

DYING.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR A WHILE.

WHEN WE FIRST MOVED THERE,

WE AGREED NO PHILANDERING,

UNLESS OUR WILDEST FANTASY COULD

COME TRUE.

SHE PICKED KEVIN COSTNER.

I PICKED CINDY CRAWFORD.

WELL, AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS

WENT BY, I SAID, "HONEY,

WHY DON'T WE UPDATE THE LIST?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE PICKED VIN DIESEL.

AND I PICKED OUR BABY-SITTER.

[LAUGHTER]

I WON.

[LAUGHTER]

I HOPE I'M NOT OFFENDING ANY OF

THE WOMEN HERE TONIGHT.

VERY HARD TO BE A MAN THESE DAYS

'CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY,

YOU LADIES ARE READY TO SLAP US

WITH A SEXUAL HARASSMENT SUIT.

THAT'S WHY AT THE OFFICE,

I DON'T EVEN TALK TO WOMEN.

I JUST RUB UP AGAINST THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE WHAT CONSTITUTES SEXUAL

HARASSMENT?

IF YOU WINK AT YOUR SECRETARY,

IS THAT SEXUAL HARASSMENT?

SUPPOSE YOU DO IT BECAUSE

THERE'S SOMETHING IN YOUR

LEFT EYE.

[LAUGHTER]

SUPPOSE IT'S HER RIGHT BREAST?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU MOANING ABOUT?

HOW CAN I BE SEXIST?

I JUST HAD ANOTHER DAUGHTER,

AND I KEPT HER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I TELL MY OLDEST DAUGHTER

THAT SHE CAN GROW UP TO BE

ANYTHING SHE WANTS TO BE.

SHE CAN BE THE WIFE OF A DOCTOR,

THE WIFE OF A LAWYER.

SHE CAN EVEN BE THE WIFE OF

THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE THIS

IS THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY.

[LAUGHTER]

I EMPOWER MY ELDEST DAUGHTER.

I TELL HER TO BE PROUD OF WHERE

SHE CAME FROM.

THAT'S WHY I NAMED HER UTERUS.

[LAUGHTER]

UTERUS FELDMAN.

SHE'S NAMED AFTER HER

GRANDMOTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE TO TREAT OUR CO-WORKERS

WITH RESPECT.

AND YET NOW THEY'RE GONNA PAY

BILL CLINTON $11 MILLION

TO WRITE HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY AFTER

HE DISGRACED THE PRESIDENCY?

YOU KNOW I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE

TO WATCH THE EVENING NEWS WITH

MY FAMILY AND NOT HAVE TO

EXPLAIN WHAT ORAL SEX MEANS

TO MY WIFE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

NEXT MONTH, WE CELEBRATE OUR

9th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

THANK YOU.

LOT OF LOVE IN THE ROOM TONIGHT.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE A MIXED MARRIAGE.

I'M A BLOOD.

SHE'S A CRYP.

[LAUGHTER]

WE LIKE WATCHING OLD MOVIES

TOGETHER.

LAST NIGHT, WE WERE WATCHING

"INDECENT PROPOSAL."

GREAT MOVIE, "INDECENT

PROPOSAL."

ROBERT REDFORD, DEMI MOORE.

HALFWAY THROUGH IT I TURNED

TO HER, I SAID, "YOU KNOW,

HONEY, I DON'T THINK I COULD GET

$1 MILLION FOR YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN GET

50 BUCKS 20,000 TIMES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO POINT IN MY BEING HOME

RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S BREAST-FEEDING AND

I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WAS A GOOD SPORT DURING

THE GESTATION PERIOD 'CAUSE

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN

WITH CHILD, YOUNG MAN, BUT AS

YOU GET INTO THAT 9th, 10th,

11th MONTH YOU GOTTA BE

CREATIVE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN.

GOTTA TRY DIFFERENT ANGLES...

LIKE HER SISTER.

[LAUGHTER]

I HEAR A COUPLE-A HISSING AND

A LITTLE MOANING HERE TONIGHT,

AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I'M DISGUSTING, I DON'T DESERVE

TO PLAY IN NEW YORK CITY.

TURN AWAY.

DON'T LOOK AT ME, YOUNG LADY.

I DON'T DESERVE YOUR LOVE.

YOUR PITY, THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR.

I'VE HAD A VERY TRAGIC LIFE.

MY FATHER MOLESTED MY IMAGINARY

FRIEND...

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME THREE WEEKS

AGO.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FATHER IS A MAN'S MAN.

STORMED THE BEACHES OF NORMANDY

DURING THE VIETNAM WAR.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I KNOW I SOUND LIKE

A SEXIST PIG, BUT LET ME TELL

YOU SOMETHING GALS.

THE MINUTE A MAN HAS A BABY

DAUGHTER, AND I'VE HAD SIX,

IT TURNS HIM INTO AN INSTANT

FEMINIST 'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT MEN

ARE CAPABLE OF THINKING.

AND THE THOUGHT OF MY LITTLE

ANGEL GOING OUT ON HER FIRST

DATE, WHEN THAT GUY COMES

TO PICK HER UP, WHEN SHE'S 32.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW I GOTTA STRAIGHTEN

THIS GUY OUT: "YOU TREAT

MY DAUGHTER WITH RESPECT.

YOU BUY HER BREAKFAST IF SHE

PUTS OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

I WISH WOMEN RAN THE WORLD.

I REALLY DO.

IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD,

THERE'D BE NO WARS.

THERE WOULDN'T BE A MOMENT'S

PEACE...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THERE'D BE NO WARS.

I THINK GOD IS A WOMAN.

NOW DO YOU LIKE ME LADIES?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

GOD IS A WOMAN.

HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN ALL

THE PAIN AND SUFFERING ON THIS

PLANET?

[LAUGHTER]

"THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT

ADULTERY."

NOW YOU KNOW NO GUY WOULD HAVE

EVER DREAMED THAT ONE UP.

[APPLAUSE]

GOD IS WOMAN BECAUSE WOMEN ARE

BETTER THAN MEN IN EVERY WAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT ON, SISTERS!

ESPECIALLY, BECAUSE YOU CAN

GIVE THEM A WEDGIE FROM THE BACK

AND THE FRONT.

[LAUGHTER]

DID I MENTION I'M GETTING

A DIVORCE?

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT SEVEN KIDS OUT OF HER,

I'M DONE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT

DEADBEAT DADS.

WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS WHO JUST

AREN'T WORTH THE CHILD SUPPORT?

[LAUGHTER]

AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

[LAUGHTER]

DEADBEAT KIDS!

WHY CAN'T MY 3-YEAR-OLD GET

A JOB?

MY SNEAKERS WERE MADE BY A

2-YEAR-OLD IN BURMA.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, YOU MAY NOT LIKE ME,

YOUNG LADY, BUT YOU WILL RESPECT

ME.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I SERVED THIS COUNTRY

WHILE YOU WERE STILL CUTTING

THOSE TEETH.

THAT'S RIGHT, PERSIAN GULF.

AIR FORCE.

F-16.

STEWARDESS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A GOOD PERSON.

I DO THE LORD'S WORK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME?

EVERY WEEKEND I'M DOWN AT

THE BRAILLE INSTITUTE,

DESCRIBING PORNOGRAPHIC

PICTURES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WORKING ON A VACCINE

FOR POLIO.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW WE ALREADY HAVE ONE,

BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA GIVE SOMETHING BACK.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR

GENERATION, YOU JUST TAKE.

NOT ME.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF PRESIDENT

JIMMY CARTER?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF HIS

HABITAT FOR HUMANITY?

THEY BUILT MY SUNDECK.

[LAUGHTER]

I GIVE.

USUALLY THIS IS BETWEEN ME

AND MY MAKER, BUT I'LL SHARE IT

WITH YOU.

TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT OF WHAT

I'M EARNING TONIGHT, I AM GIVING

TO THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SEE, I'M LIKE A MOTIVATIONAL

SPEAKER.

NOTICE HOW MUCH BETTER YOU FEEL

SINCE I'VE BEEN UP HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,

YOUNG PEOPLE.

BUT FIRST YOU MUST DREAM

THE DREAM.

MY GRANDMOTHER, 86 YEARS OLD,

JUST ENTERED MEDICAL SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S A CADAVER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND SHE IS LIVING DEATH

TO THE FULLEST.

David Feldman: I'M NOT SICK,

SOCIETY IS ILL.

WE LIVE IN A VERY HYPOCRITICAL

CULTURE WHERE A MAN CAN KILL

A SHEEP, COOK IT AND EAT IT:

HE'S A GOURMET.

BUT FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT VERY

SAME SHEEP...

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE CHILD WELFARE OFFICE

WANTS TO TAKE AWAY MY KIDS.

WHY, FOR LOVING SOMETHING?

ISN'T THERE ENOUGH HATRED

ON THIS PLANET?

ANYTHING THAT'S PLEASURABLE,

THEY WANNA TAKE AWAY FROM YOU.

REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS,

YOUNG MAN, HERE IN NEW YORK

CITY?

ARE YOU FROM NEW YORK?

REMEMBER THE GOOD OLD DAYS,

HERE, WHEN THEY USED TO LET YOU

SMOKE AT THE COCKFIGHTS?

[LAUGHTER]

ANYTHING THAT'S PLEASURABLE,

THEY TAKE AWAY FROM YOU.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE AT THE

COCKFIGHTS, CAN'T DO DRUGS,

NOT THAT I WOULD EVER ADVOCATE

DRUG USE.

BELIEVE ME, BEING A STAND-UP

COMIC, I KNOW FIRSTHAND HOW EASY

IT WOULD BE TO TURN TO DRUGS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T DO DRUGS.

I JUST THINK THERE'S A LITTLE

HYPOCRISY IN THIS INSANE WAR

AGAINST NARCOTICS IN THIS

COUNTRY.

FOR EXAMPLE, RIGHT BEFORE COMING

OUT HERE, THE PRODUCER SAID,

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY JOKES THAT

PORTRAY DRUGS IN A FAVORABLE

LIGHT."

NOW WHERE THE HELL DOES

TELEVISION GET THE GALL PASSING

JUDGMENT ON DRUGS?

TV IS THE MOST LETHAL OPIATE

IN OUR COUNTRY.

HELLO?

[LAUGHTER]

THE AVERAGE TEENAGER WATCHES

6 HOURS OF TELEVISION EVERY DAY.

AT LEAST WITH DRUGS YOU'RE OUT,

YOU'RE SINGING, YOU'RE DANCIN'.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE MEETING PEOPLE.

YOU'RE BREAKIN' INTO HOMES.

YOU'RE NETWORKIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU TO DO

DRUGS, BUT I DO KNOW HOW WE CAN

WIPE OUT DRUG ADDICTION IN THIS

COUNTRY.

LEGALIZE ALL NARCOTICS.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

LET CRACK AND HEROIN BE

MANUFACTURED BY THE

PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES,

THAT WAY NOBODY CAN AFFORD THEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T MEAN TO BUM YOU PEOPLE

OUT.

BUT A DOG CAN WANDER AROUND

MANHATTAN, NOT BELONGING

TO ANYBODY.

YOU CAN CALL THE HUMANE SOCIETY,

AND THEY WILL COME AND GET THAT

DOG.

BUT A HUMAN BEING?

NOBODY TO CALL.

NOW MAYBE I'M A BLEEDING HEART

LIBERAL, BUT I THINK WE NEED

A HUMANE SOCIETY FOR HUMANS.

[APPLAUSE]

I THINK THESE PEOPLE SHOULD BE

ROUNDED UP, GIVEN SHELTER.

AND IF AFTER SIX WEEKS...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?

GIVE THEM MORE FOOD AND SHELTER.

WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS GONNA

SAY?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU UNDERSTAND THE POINT I'M

MAKING, DON'T YOU, YOUNG LADY?

YOU SPEND MORE TO FEED YOUR CATS

AND DOGS THAN YOU DO TO FEED

POOR PEOPLE.

YOU SPEND MORE ON YOUR PETS

THAN YOU DO ON THE HOMELESS.

THAT'S WHY I SAW MAKE THE

HOMELESS PETS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU COULD HAVE A REAL GERMAN

SHEPHERD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A REAL BOXER.

OH, YOU'RE SO LUCKY TO LIVE HERE

IN MANHATTAN.

TRYING TO GIVE MY KIDS

AN EDUCATION IN LOS ANGELES

IS A NIGHTMARE.

THE GUNS, THE GANGS, THE DRUGS

AND, I'M HOME SCHOOLING THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS STILL BETTER THAN THE

ALTERNATIVE, THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS,

WHICH ARE FALLING APART.

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THE

TEACHERS.

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE PARENTS.

THERE ARE NO VALUES IN THE HOME.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

THE BONES OF A TYRANNOSAURUS REX

WERE JUST SOLD AT AUCTION FOR

$2.5 MILLION.

BUT I GO TO THE CEMETERY AND

DIG UP THE BONES OF MY OLD

VIOLIN TEACHER...

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T GET A PENNY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE TO TREAT TEACHERS BETTER

IN OUR COUNTRY.

WE LIVE IN A CULTURE WHERE A

PROSTITUTE ON THE STREET CAN

EARN MORE MONEY THAN A

SCHOOLTEACHER.

THAT'S DISGRACEFUL.

WE HAVE TO START PAYING

PROSTITUTES AS POORLY AS WE DO

SCHOOL TEACHERS.

[APPLAUSE]

AND I, FOR ONE, AM DOING MY

PART.

[LAUGHTER]

BLOCK BY BLOCK, CITY BY CITY.

BECAUSE ALL IT TAKES IS ONE

TEACHER TO SAY ONE THING AND

IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

I'LL NEVER FORGET MR. DON BELLOW

IN SEVENTH GRADE, CORNERED ME

AFTER CLASS.

AND HE SAID, "FELDMAN,

IF I COULD SLIT YOUR THROAT

AND GET AWAY WITH IT, I WOULD."

David Feldman: THEY'RE TEACHING

SEX EDUCATION NOW IN OUR

ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS.

I AM SORRY, I AM AGAINST

THE TEACHING OF SEX EDUCATION.

I DON'T NEED SOME PERVERT COMING

INTO MY DAUGHTER'S CLASSROOM

AND TEACHING HER HOW TO WEAR

A TROJAN.

IF YOU WANNA WIPE OUT TEEN

PREGNANCY, IT BEGINS AT HOME.

IT'S THE PARENTS' RESPONSIBILITY

TO SIT YOUR CHILDREN DOWN

AND TEACH THEM SHAME FOR THEIR

BODIES.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU?

OUR GREATEST WEAPON AGAINST

TEEN PREGNANCY IS INSTILLING

IN OUR CHILDREN A SENSE OF

SELF-LOATHING...

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE WE HAVE AN EPIDEMIC

OF YOUNG AMERICANS WHO SEE

THEIR NAKED BODIES AND DON'T

KNOW IT'S THE WORK OF SATAN.

[LAUGHTER]

AMERICAN TEENAGERS ARE 6 TIMES

MORE LIKELY TO GET PREGNANT

THAN FRENCH TEENAGERS.

AND WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?

IT TELLS YOU THAT AMERICAN

TEENAGERS ARE BETTER LOOKING.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I SAY LET'S LEARN FROM

THE FRENCH.

DON'T HAND OUT CONDOMS

TO HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

TAKE AWAY THEIR DEODORANT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND ANY

PARISIANS HERE TONIGHT.

I KNOW WE HAVE A COUPLE IN

THE AUDIENCE, I CAN SMELL 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS--

ALL OVER THE PLANET, ACTUALLY.

I JUST WANNA SAY WE LIVE IN THE

GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY

OF CIVILIZATION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT IS THIS, A FUNDRAISER

FOR AL QAEDA?

I SAID THIS IS THE GREATEST

COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF

CIVILIZATION!

[CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

AND I DON'T READ THE NEWSPAPERS,

BUT APPARENTLY THERE'S SOME

FUNKY STUFF GOING ON.

AND I JUST WANNA REMIND YOU THAT

IF YOU PERSECUTE SOMEBODY JUST

'CAUSE THEY MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE

DIFFERENT, THAN YOU ARE NO

BETTER THAN OUR COUNTRY'S

FOUNDING FATHERS.

[LAUGHTER]

THOMAS JEFFERSON AND GEORGE

WASHINGTON; THESE SYPHILITIC

SLAVE HOLDING POT SMOKING

CROSS DRESSING MALE CHAUVINIST

PIGS WHO BELIEVED THAT WOMEN

AND AFRICAN AMERICANS SHOULD BE

DENIED THE RIGHT TO VOTE.

AND THAT'S JUST WRONG.

AFRICAN AMERICANS SHOULD BE

ALLOWED TO VOTE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT, THEY SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED

TO VOTE?

YOU LIBERAL RACIST.

[LAUGHTER]

WOMEN.

OF COURSE WOMEN SHOULD BE

ALLOWED TO VOTE.

WE NEVER WOULD HAVE REPEALED

PROHIBITION HAD IT NOT BEEN

FOR THE SUFFRAGETTE MOVEMENT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE ONCE YOU STARTED TO VOTE,

EVERYBODY SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEED A DRINK."

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, I PROMISED MYSELF

I WOULDN'T CRY 'CAUSE I'M A

PRETTY AGGRESSIVE BASTARD

UP HERE.

AND I PROMISED MYSELF THAT THE

EYES WOULDN'T START TEARING UP.

BUT IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HERE.

AND THERE ARE ONLY TWO TOWNS IN

AMERICA THAT I EVER LOOK FORWARD

TO COMING HOME TO.

MANHATTAN AND--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND ANY OTHER PLACE THAT'LL

BOOK ME.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE DOING TELEVISION.

I LIKE TO PUT SOMETHING BACK

INTO THE UNIVERSE.

I LIKE TO THINK, RIGHT NOW,

SOME GUY IS WATCHING ME

IN A MOTEL-6, WITH A HALF EMPTY

BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS

AND A FULLY LOADED PISTOL.

AND HE'S HEARD TWO OR THREE

OF MY JOKES THAT GAVE HIM THE

COURAGE TO PULL THE TRIGGER.

[LAUGHTER]

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