CC Presents: Sue Murphy

  • 01/18/1999

CELINE DION NEEDS TO BE STOPPED.

Woman:YEAH.

NO, PLEASE, REMAIN SEATED.

I JUST...

I HEARD THAT-TH-THAT SONG--

THE TITANIC SONG--ONE TOO MANY TIMES.

AND JUST,THEY PLAYED IT FOREVER.

OVER AND OVER,"TH-THE HEART MUST GO ON"

AND ON AND ON AND ON

AND-AND I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T...I DIDN'T EVEN SEE TITANIC.

I... I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT.

I-I... 'CAUSE I FELT LIKETHE ONLY REASON TO GO WAS

TO KIND OF LUSTAFTER LEONARDO DICAPRIO, AND...

( women whooping )

YEAH, BUT ISN'T-ISN'T THAT

YOU KNOW, AT MY AGE,ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL?

I MEAN...

ISN'T THATLIKE ME HANGING AROUND

IN FRONT OF A GRAMMAR SCHOOLWITH A VAN AND A KITTEN?

ISN'T THAT THE SAME THING?

OOH... DIRTY.

THEY PLAY THE SONG...I FEEL LIKE I SAW IT.

I FEEL LIKE I SAW THE MOVIE,'CAUSE THEY PLAY THAT SONG

BUT EVERY 20 MINUTESON THE RADIO FOR A WHILE THERE.

IT'S OVER AND OVER AGAIN,EVERY 20 MINUTES

"THE HEART MUST GO ON."

YEAH, BUT THAT WAS HANDY,BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE

"OH, IS THAT CELINE DION?

OH, THE MUFFINS ARE DONE."

SO... IT JUST...

( laughing )

BUT I KNOW THINGS.

I'M LEARNING HOW TO COOK.

I'M LEARNING HOW TO COOK.

I MADE A CASSEROLE.

( applause and cheering )

THANK YOU.

THE ONLY TROUBLE IS, UH

WHEN I WANTEDTO TAKE IT OUT OF THE OVEN

I-I REALIZED I DON'T EVEN OWNANY OVEN MITTS

BUT, UH, LUCKILY,SINCE I'M A BIG SPORTS FAN

I HAD A COUPLEOF THOSE NUMBER-ONE FOAM HANDS

WHICH MAKESYOUR CASSEROLE PRESENTATION

OH-SO-MUCH-MORE DRAMATIC,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

"ANYONE HUNGRY?

WE'RE NUMBER ONE."

( laughing )

"TUNA NOODLES.

GO 'NINERS."

( laughing )

OH, MAN...

SHOULD I FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THAT?

Woman:YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S I...

I JUST WAS GOING,GOSH, IT'S LIKE

IT'S LIKE THEY WERE GOING

"YOU KNOW, I'D REALLY LIKETO GO OUT WITH A GUY

"BUT I'M JUST NOT READYTO TAKE THAT LEAP.

OH, SUE MURPHY'S AVAILABLE.PERFECT."

( laughing )

WELL, THE ONLY REASONWHY I MENTION THIS--

IF THERE'S ANYONE OUT THEREFEELING REMOTELY ATTRACTED TO ME

YOU'RE... PROBABLY GAY.

THAT'S ALL I JUST WANTED TO SAY.

( laughing )

I RELATE TO MEN.

I RELATE TO MEN SO MUCH,I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT

"MAYBE I SHOULD DATE WOMEN,"AND THEN I THOUGHT

"WHAT WOULD I WANTIN THE PERFECT WOMAN?"

AND I THINK IT WOULD HAVETO BE... A PENIS.

( whooping )

YEAH.

( cheering )

YEAH, YEAH, I'M...YEAH, I'M SURE ABOUT THAT.

PENIS IS NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST.

( laughing )

I'M A BIG STAR TREK FAN.

LOVE THE STAR TREK.

OH, MAN, I STARTEDTO WATCH THE OLD ONES

THE ORIGINAL ONES.

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER--

THIS IS ONEOF THE ORIGINAL ONES--

ANYONE REMEMBER THIS ONE...

WHERE IT'S THE PLANET RUNBY WOMEN?

REMEMBER THIS?

YES, YES, YES, YES

AND THEY'RE ALL WEARINGMINISKIRTS

AND WHITE, VINYLHIGH-HEELED GO-GO BOOTS.

WHOO!

( whooping )

RIGHT...

BECAUSE IF WE WEREIN CHARGE OF THE PLANET

THAT'S WHAT WE WOULD CHOOSETO WEAR.

( laughing )

"OH, FINALLY, WE'RE IN CHARGE.

OKAY..."

( gleeful squeal )

( laughing )

( squeals )

I'M YOUR LEADER.

( giggles )

( applause )

I AM.

I LOVE STAR TREK.

MY FAVORITE, THOUGH...

MY FAVORITE STAR TREK INCARNATION?

THE NEXT GENERATION.

OH, BECAUSE OF...

JEAN-LUC PICARD.

( laughing )

( whooping )

WHO KNEW...WHO KNEW

A SHORT, BALD GUYWOULD BE SO HOT?

IT'S THAT VOICE.

IT'S THAT VOICE.

IT'S, YOU KNOW

( deep voice ):"MAKE IT SO, NUMBER ONE"

AND YOU'RE, LIKE,"MM-HMM, JEAN-LUC.

COME ON, BABY, MAKE IT SO."

( laughing )

"ENGAGE."

"ENGAGE THIS, JEAN-LUC."

Man:YO!

"DECOMPRESS THE CARGO BAY."

( laughing )

LOVE THE KLINGONS.

CAN'T GET ENOUGHOF THE KLINGONS.

ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE KLINGONS.

THEY'RE THE ONES, UH,WITH THE, UH

WALNUT BUTT STUCKTO THEIR HEAD RIGHT HERE.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO PISSED.

THEY'RE... ( groaning )

I'M SUCH A DORK.

EVERYBODY IS A DORK, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, Y...

YOU ARE A DORK.

( laughing )

EVERYBODY...GEEK, WEENIE, TWIT, SPAZ...

DUFUS-- LOOK AT THAT GUY.

EVERYBODY'S A DORK

AND-AND IT SIMPLIFIESYOUR LIFE

IF YOU JUST ADMIT IT--

IF YOU JUST COMMIT.

I MEAN, 'CAUSE YOU SEE PEOPLEWHO THINK THEY'RE REALLY COOL

WALKING AROUND GOING,"YEAH, I'M SO COOL"

AND... ( laughing )IT'S JUST SO STUPID

AND IT TAKESSO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY

TO JAM THAT... POLEIN YOUR ASS EVERY MORNING...

( laughing )

AND IF YOU THINK

YOU'RE REALLY COOL,IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT

IF YOU REALLY, YOU KNOW...

AN-AND SOMETHING GOES WRONGIN YOUR DAY

IT RUINS YOUR WHOLE DAY,'CAUSE YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR COOL.

BUT IF YOU JUST ADMITYOU'RE A DORK

IF YOU JUST COMMIT...

IF YOU...IF YOU JUST EMBRACE IT...

IT SIMPLIFIES YOUR LIFE

'CAUSE YOU CAN TRIPOVER YOUR OWN FEET

AND FALL INTO SOMEBODYAND JUST GO, "MEANT TO DO IT."

( laughing )

YOU CAN FART IN THE BANK LINE.

"THAT WAS ME."

( laughing )

HUH?

"OH, I'M NEXT ALREADY."

( audience laughing )

( applause and cheering )

I THINK I HAVE THE ABILITYTO GIVE PEOPLE ADVICE.

I CAN HELP PEOPLEWITH MY LIFE EXPERIENCE

AND, UM, I EXPLAIN IT LIKE THIS.

I HAVE A FRIEND OF MINE.

UH, SHE'S 14, AND, UH...

( laughter )

SHE IS.NO, ACTUALLY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

SHE'S 15. SHE TURNED 15IN AUGUST, BUT SHE ROCKS.

ANYWAY, I'M HANGING WITH HER,AND SHE TOLD ME

THAT HER BOYFRIEND GOT INVITEDTO THE PROM BY SOMEBODY ELSE.

( audience booing )

EXACTLY. AND I'M THINKING,"OH, MY GOD, THIS IS IT.

"THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO HELPHER WITH MY LIFE EXPERIENCE.

I CAN GIVE HER ADVICE."

SO I SAID

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY

I SAID, UM, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

AND SHE SAID, "WELL, I TOLD HIMTHAT IF HE DECIDED TO GO

"HE SHOULD KNOW THAT IWOULD REALLY BE UPSET

"BUT I COULDN'T MAKETHE DECISION FOR HIM.

"HE HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION,BECAUSE HE WAS INVITED.

"I WASN'T INVITED,BUT IF HE DID DECIDE TO GO

HE SHOULD KNOWTHAT I WOULD REALLY BE HURT."

AND I WAS THINKING, I SAID,"NO, NO, NO.

"I THINK YOU SHOULD TELLONE OF YOUR FRIENDS

TO TELL ONE OF HIS FRIENDSTHAT HE'S A ( bleep )."

YEAH.

( cheering )

BUT THAT'S JUSTMY LIFE EXPERIENCE

TALKING THERE, REALLY.

WHEN I WASA SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL

I GOT INVITEDTO THE SENIOR PROM.

MM-HMM. WHOO!

AND I STILL AM BITCHIN'.

UH, I THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL.

I WENT, "OH, MY GOD,I'M GOING TO THE SENIOR PROM."

AND I WANTED TO BE TAN

BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW,THAT'S IMPORTANT

SO I BORROWEDMY FRIEND'S SUN LAMP

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD SETME APART FROM THE OTHER GIRLS

IF I JUST DEEP-FRIEDTHE LIVING CRAP OUT OF MY HEAD.

SHE BRINGS OVER THE SUN LAMP,AND SHE SAYS

"HOLD IT HEREFOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES."

I SAID, "OH, NO. I'LLJUST SPEED UP THAT PROCESS.

"I'LL PUT IT HEREFOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

JUST... MMM,WHO'S MAKING SMOKY LINKS?"

I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOUWHAT I DID TO MY HEAD.

I JUST FRIED THE LIVING CRAP...

IT WOULD HAVE BEENAS EQUALLY EFFECTIVE

IF I'D GONE TO McDONALDS

AND SAID,"I'D LIKE AN ORDER OF FRIES

"BUT DON'T PUT THEM IN THE BAG.

I'D LIKE TO BOB FOR THEM,IF THAT WOULD BE OKAY."

ALL RIGHT. YEAH. HERE I COME.

MM, THAT'S GOOD EATING.

I CAN'T EVEN...

I JUST COMPLETELYSCREWED UP MY HEAD

AND I DID THIS A WEEK BEFORE

BECAUSE THIS WAS GOING TO BETHE FIRST STEP

IN MY IN-HOME TANNING PROCESS,BECAUSE I'M A GENIUS.

SO THE SKIN OF MY FACEHAD ENOUGH TIME

TO TURNTO THIS HARD, NAUGAHYDE SHELL

AND MATCHING HANDBAG, AND...

I DIDN'T BEGIN TO PEEL.

NO. PEEL WOULD BETHE INCORRECT TERM HERE.

UH, MY FACE CAME OFF.

MY HEAD CAME OFF.

IT WAS LIKE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.

THE FIRST THING TO COME OFFWAS THE VERY TIP OF MY NOSE

BEING, YOU KNOW, CLOSESTTO THE BUNSEN BURNER.

IT WAS LIKE, "HMM, THAT'SKIND OF BUBBLING UP THERE."

JUST, BINK...

( screams )

AND THIS PINK, IRIDESCENT ENDOF MY NOSE-- JUST "FOXY LADY."

"OH, WHO BROUGHTTHE SPRINGER SPANIEL?"

AND THE CHUNKS OF MY FACECOMING OFF

LIKE THISBIG, RED, BABOON BUTT-HEAD.

ALSO... ALSO,I HAD BRACES AT THE TIME.

MM-HMM.

( purrs )

WITH THE RUBBER BANDS

RIGHT HERE, IN HERE,SO WHEN YOU YAWN, IT'S...

I SKIPPED THE HEADGEAR--

YOU KNOW, FASHION "DON'T"--

AND... OH, AND ALSO, THIS WASWHEN IT WAS VERY POPULAR

TO WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE THIS.

PLEASE DO NOT RUSH THE STAGEFOR YOUR DESIRE FOR ME.

AND I HAVE VERY THIN HAIR,SO I JUST HAD

ONE HAIR ON EITHER SIDEOF MY HEAD LIKE THIS

SPLIT AT THE END

FOR EXTRA FULLNESS.

THE BEST THING WASMY MOM MADE MY DRESS.

YES.

WE'D HAD AN ENORMOUS SUCCESSWITH THE BEDSPREAD

SO, YOU KNOW, WE WENTRIGHT ON TO THE DRESS

AND I PICKED OUT THE MATERIAL.

IT WAS LOVELY LIME GREENTO OFFSET THE BURNED AREA

CUT VERY LOW LIKE THISFOR MAXIMUM SADNESS AND DENIAL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT...

WITH DARK GREEN BRIC-A-BRACAROUND HERE

TO MAKE THAT"OH, SO HOMEMADE" STATEMENT.

LITTLE BACKLESS NUMBER,SHIFT TO THE GROUND.

I WAS LIKE A GREEN, UPSIDE-DOWNEXCLAMATION POINT--

BIG, RED DOT RIGHT HERE.

I'M GOING TO GO TO THE PROM.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHYHE STILL THOUGHT

I WAS REALLY BITCHIN'AT THE TIME

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOTSOME GRANT MONEY.

WE'RE DOING A STUDY.

BUT, UH, MY DATE COMESTO PICK ME UP.

YOU KNOW, LOOKS AT ME,"AHH! GET IN THE CAR!"

WEAR YOUR CORSAGE... HERE.

BUT WE GET TO THE PROM--

THE WAY IT'S SET UPIS EVERYONE HAS TO COME IN

THIS BIG ENTRANCE,THIS ONE BIG ENTRANCE

UP THIS FLIGHT OF STAIRS,RED CARPETING ON THE ENTRANCE.

YOU KNOW, LIGHTS ON IT.

EVERYONE STANDINGAROUND THE LANDING

WATCHING EVERYONE WALK IN.

AND I'M WALKING, GOING,"EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME.

"I'M SO BITCHIN'.

I'M GOING TO THE PROM."

AND AS I'M WALKING IN, I STEP

ON THE FRONT HEM OF MY DRESS,FLASH MY BOOBS

AND TAKE A HEADER ON THE STEP.

YOU KNOW, BOOP! BAM!

IT'S NOT THAT FUNNYWHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

LET ME JUST REMIND YOU: BECAUSEOF THE IN-HOME BURNING PROCESS

I'D BEEN THROUGH, I HAD

THOSE INTENSELY WHITE, NEON,GLOW-IN-THE-DARK

BUG-LIGHT BOOBSFROM ANOTHER PLANET.

SO WHEN I FLASHED, I ACTUALLYBLINDED THE ENTIRE SENIOR CLASS.

I, UM, HAVE JUST MOVED.

THERE'S NOTHING...

THERE IS NOTHING WORSETHAN MOVING.

ABSOLUTELY THE WORST...THERE'S NOTHING...

YOU THINK YOU'RE GOINGTO DO IT RIGHT.

YOU'RE GOINGTO DO IT DIFFERENT.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE ORGANIZEDTHIS TIME.

IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT THING.

I'M GOING TO BE PERFECT.

AND YOU START OUT...

YOU KNOW, YOU TAKE A GLASSAND YOU WRAP IT IN PAPER

AND YOU PUT IT IN THE BOX.

THEN YOU TAKE ANOTHER GLASS,YOU WRAP IT IN PAPER

YOU PUT IT IN THE BOX.

WHEN YOU FINISH

YOU CLOSE IT AND YOU WRITE"GLASSES" ON IT.

THEN AFTER ABOUT TWO DAYS,YOU JUST HAVE AN OPEN BOX.

IT'S JUST "( bleep ) IT!

"JUST PUT THE PILLOWAND THE TOOTHPASTE

"AND THE Q-TIPS...

PUT THE CAT IN THERE."

AND JUST CLOSE IT AND WRITE"CRAP I DON'T NEED.

I HATE MY CRAP!"

JUST WANT TO LIGHT IT ON FIREAND RUN FROM THE BUILDING.

OH, MY GOD.

HOW DID I END UPWITH SO MUCH STUFF?

I-1 HAD A GARAGE SALE.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE PATHETICON EARTH THAN A GARAGE SALE

OR A TAG SALE.

SO WHAT YOU DO IS YOU GET READY

YOU GET ALL YOUR STUFFTOGETHER

YOU PUT IT IN A PILE.

YOU GET ALL READY.

AND I WENT AROUNDTHE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND MADE MY LITTLE SIGNS:

"GARAGE SALE" AND I PUT THEMALL AROUND.

AND I TACKED THEM UP.

LITTLE ARROW..."GARAGE SALE RIGHT OVER HERE."

OH, HERE'S

ANOTHER LITTLE SIGN.

"GARAGE SALE RIGHT OVER HERE."

AND THEN... THEN YOU...THEN YOU GO OUT

AND YOU SIT IN YOUR DRIVEWAYWITH ALL YOUR ( bleep ).

( laughter )

I'M SELLING MY STUFF.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY MY CRAP?

I'M OUT HERE IN FRONTOF MY HOUSE

WITH ALL MY STUFF.

IT'S BEEN KINDOF A ROUGH YEAR.

I HAVE TO SELL IT.

AND IT'S NOT EVENYOUR GOOD CRAP EITHER.

IT'S THE STUFF YOU DON'T WANT.

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, I BROKE THISIN '74, BUT I THOUGHT

"MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE ABLETO CLEAN IT UP

AND MAKE IT REAL NICE."

IT'S SO PATHETIC.

OH, MAN, AND I KNEW,I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE

WHEN THIS GUY GOES,"HOW MUCH IS THIS?"

AND I WENT, "OH, THAT'S, UM...

THAT'S 50 CENTS."

AND HE GOES, "OH.I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER."

( laughter )

AND I'M LIKE, "MMM, A QUARTER?

"KIND OF HOPINGTO GET THAT 50 CENTS.

"A QUARTER SEEMS KIND OF CHEAPWHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, THAT IS HALF-PRICE."

I MEAN, I THOUGHT 50 CENTSWAS A PRETTY GOOD BUY ON A VCR.

IT'S SO AWFUL.

AND THEN YOU GETTHE ATTITUDE DRIVE-BY

WHERE YOU GET THE PEOPLETHAT JUST DRIVE BY

AND THEY JUST SEE YOU

AND JUST SIT IN THEIR CARAND THEY GO

"MMM, NO. SCREW IT."

AND JUST DRIVE ON.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY,I GOT SOME GOOD CRAP HERE, MAN.

BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER THATOR A GANG

AND I WENT WITH A GYM.

A GYM...

YOU KNOW WHAT?I CAN'T STAND...

I HATE THAT TREADMILL.

IF YOU'RE FEELING FRAGILEAT ALL ABOUT YOUR LIFE

OR A LITTLE INSECUREABOUT SOME OF YOUR CHOICES

IT'S WAY TOO MUCHOF A METAPHOR...

IT'S WAY TOO MUCH OF, LIKE...

"I'M WORKING SO HARD.

I'M GOING NOWHERE."

RUNNING INTOA ( ble ) WALL!

IT'S AWFUL.

AND AT THIS POINT, YOU KNOW,AT MY AGE

IT'S JUST MAINTENANCE.

I'M NOT GOING TO GET...

ALL OF A SUDDEN,I'M GOING TO BECOME, LIKE...

( singing operatic note )

THIS IS MAINTENANCE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO STOP MY ASSFROM GOING TO BRAZIL WITHOUT ME.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE RULES...

DID YOU KNOWTHERE ARE RULES IN THE GYM?

I DISCOVERED THERE ARE RULESIN THE LOCKER ROOM.

DID YOU KNOW THIS?

IN THE LOCKER ROOM,IN THE LADIES' LOCKER ROOM

WHEN YOU ARE NUDE, NO TALKING.

YOU KNOW-- NUDE? SHH, NUDE.

NUDE... NO TALKING.SHH, NUDE.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW THIS,SO, UH...

I WENT TO GO WEIGH MYSELF,AND AS YOU KNOW

YOU CAN'T WEAR A TOWELWHEN YOU WEIGH YOURSELF

BECAUSE A TOWEL CAN WEIGHUP TO 70 TO 80 POUNDS.

SO, I GO TO WEIGH MYSELF,AND SOMEONE HAD MOVED THE SCALE.

SO I TURN AROUNDTO THESE GUYS AND...

I TURN AROUND TO THE GUYS.

I'M IN THE GUYS' LOCKER ROOM.

I LIKE TO CHANGEIN THE GUYS' LOCKER ROOM

AND JUST GO, "OOH,THAT POOL WATER'S COLD."

UH...

WELL, I JUST...

( chuckling )

IT'S SO GREAT WHEN I ENJOY ME.

UH... BUT I...

I TURN TO THESE WOMENAND I SAY

"EXCUSE ME, DO YOU KNOWWHERE THE SCALE IS?"

AND THEY LOOKED AT ME,LIKE...

( screaming )

NO. NO TALKING.

( screaming )

I SAID, "I'M SORRYDID I SAY, 'WHERE'S THE SCALE?'

"I MEANT TO SAY

"'LOOK AT THIS!'

"DID I SAY,'I WANT TO WEIGH MYSELF?'

"I MEANT TO GO, 'WHOO!

"'AREN'T I HOT? WHOO!

GOD, I FEEL FREE!'"

IT'S HARD BEING A GIRL.

THIS GIRL THING IS VERY HARD.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SENSEDMY FEMININITY RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT I SHOULD TRYTO BE MORE FEMININE

YOU KNOW, REALLY TRYAND I THOUGHT, MAYBE...

OKAY, SOMETHING I COULD DOIS GROW OUT MY FINGERNAILS.

HAVE LONG "BITCHIN' BABE"FINGERNAILS.

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

"I NEED TO BE ABLETO POINT FURTHER."

I DON'T GET IT.

I PUT ON THE FAKE ONES ONCE--

THOSE SURFBOARD SATAN NAILSFROM HELL.

I'M JUST WALKING AROUND MY HOUSELIKE...

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING."

THEY'RE USELESS.

THE ONLY THING THEY'RE GOOD FORIS MAYBE STARTING AN ORANGE.

THAT'S IT.

LIKE, "SUE, WILL YOU STARTTHIS ORANGE?

I'M PREPARED. GINSU NAILS."

I WILL START IT.

PEEL A SECTION.

"WHY, YOU'RE CHOKING.TRACHEOTOMY."

POP!

"DAD, LET ME CARVE THE TURKEYTHIS YEAR.

WHO WANTS WHITE MEAT?"

WE GOT ALL THE WEIRD THINGS.

THERE ARE WEIRD RULES FOR GIRLS.

THERE'S ALL THIS WEIRD STUFF.

WE GET ALLTHE UNCOMFORTABLE CRAP

WE GET ALL THE S&M STUFF.

WE GET THE HIGH HEELSTO MAKE US EASIER TO HUNT.

AND, UH...

HIGH HEELS...

WE GET PANTY HOSEAND GARTER BELTS AND BUSTIERS

AND THONGS AND WONDERBRAS.

JUST STRAP IT AROUND HEREAND GLUE THIS TO YOUR ( bleep ).

JAM THIS IN YOUR REAR,FOR GOD'S SAKE.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, HONEY,YOU READY TO GO?"

( straining ):"I'M READY TO GO."

( applause )

AND WHY ARE WE WEARING MAKE-UP?

I KNOW A FEW BUTT-UGLY GUYS

WHO WOULDN'T BE HURTWITH A LITTLE LIP COLOR.

I SEE THESE WOMEN HERE IN L.A.

WHO HAVE FREAKED OUT--

WHO HAVE TAKEN THIS STUFFTO SUCH BIZARRE PROPORTIONS.

THEY'VE GOT THE BIG HAIR

AND THEY'VE GOT THE BIG,LONG FINGERNAILS

AND THEY'VE GOT THE BIG LIPS

THE BIG, FAKE BAYWATCHPONTOON LIPS.

THOSE BIG LIPSAND THE BIG, FAKE BOOBS.

YOU KNOW, THE ANGRY BOOBS.

( growling )

EVERYTHING'S JUST BIGGER.JUST...

LIKE THEY'RE LIVING IN THE WILD

AND THEY HAVE TO PROTECTTHEMSELVES FROM PREDATORS.

LIKE, "HEY, BABY,HOW YOU DOING?"

( imitating wild animals )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( wild cheering )

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