Kill... Mark, Kill

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 10/13/2010

Mark helps Leonard with his magic wand issues, and Twayne Boneraper meets his two-dimensional soulmate.

IS TRYING TO PUT HERSELFBACK ON THE MAP

BY HOOKING UP WITH FORMERPRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

- OLDER MEN ARE OUT,BUT ANCIENT MEN ARE TOTALLY IN.

HE'S TALL, HE'S FAMOUS,

AND LOUIS VUITTON MAKESHIS STOVEPIPE HAT.

- THE TWO ARE RUMOREDTO BE CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY

BY ATTENDING THE BROADWAY SHOW A CORPSE LINE.

- DO YOU THINK THE EVENING MIGHTEND UP IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM?

- I AM SO TURNED ON BY YOURIGHT NOW.

- I'LL TELL YOUWHAT LINCOLN AND ALBA NEED:

A NICKNAME, LIKE BENNIFEROR BRANGELINA OR STOPRAH.

- EVERYONE IS COMPLETELY MISSINGTHE POINT.

LINCOLN IS RETURNINGTO THE THEATER

FOR THE FIRST TIMESINCE HIS ASSASSINATION.

- [snoring]

- THOSE WHO DON'T LEARN HISTORYARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT.

- ALBAHAM!AM I GOOD OR WHAT?

ARE YOU SURE IT ALL LANDEDIN HERE?

LEONARD'S HOLOGRAM SAID

WE NEED TO GET ALL THE PIECESTOGETHER

BEFORE THEY REGENERATE,

OR WE'RE GOING TO HAVESOME KIND OF PROBLEM.

- UH, YOU MISSED ONE.

- MAGIC!

MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC!MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC! MAGIC...

- THIS MUST BE THE PROBLEMHE WAS REFERRING TO.

- WHO WANTSCHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?

- ME!- YEAH.

- I DO.- I HAVE A GLUTEN ALLERGY.

- THEY'LL BE READYIN 20 MINUTES.

IN THE MEANTIME, I WANT YOUTO EDIT DOWN THIS GROCERY LIST.

I AM ONLY BUYING ONE KINDOF CEREAL.

[all complaining]

- MAKE SURE IT'S WHEAT FREE!

- [yelps]

- GOT YOUR MESSAGE.KIND OF BUSY.

DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

- YES, HOW DO WE UNDO THIS?

AND WHY ARE YOU DRESSEDLIKE THAT?

- I HAVEN'T BEEN ALLOWEDTO DRESS MYSELF IN 500 YEARS.

LEONARD HATED BROWN.

I THINK IT BRINGS OUT MY EYES.

- CANDY, CANDY, CANDY!

- YOU FED THEM?

- THEY GAVE METHE PUPPY DOG EYES.

YOU KNOW, WHAT COULD I DO?

- MAN, YOU JUST KEEPSCREWING UP.

IT'S GOING TO BETHAT MUCH HARDER

TO MASH THEM DOWN NOW.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I WANT TO LICK THE BOWL!

WHEE![screams]

- KEEP DOING THAT,AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL BE LEFT

WITH ONE NORMAL-SIZED LEONARD.

- YOU'RE SAYINGI HAVE TO KILL LEONARD...

AGAIN...

500 MORE TIMES?

- YOU SHOULD HAVE SMASHEDTHE GARBAGE BAG FULL OF THEM

AGAINST THE DUMPSTERWHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE.

- MY PENIS IS LIGHTLY HUGER.

- ♪ MERRILY, MERRILY,MERRILY, MERRILY ♪

♪ LIFE IS BUT A DREAM

- GOOD NIGHT, 21.

- GOOD NIGHT, NUMBER 311.

- GOOD NIGHT, 463.

- I THINK WE'RE DOINGA PRETTY GOOD JOB.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I WANT YOUOUT OF THE APARTMENT

BY TOMORROW MORNING.

- WAIT.WHY?

- DUDE, WE GO THROUGHA BAG OF KITTY LITTER

EVERY TEN MINUTES

BECAUSE OFTHEIR BLADDER INFECTIONS.

- RANDALL,I'M ITCHY INSIDE AGAIN.

- I'LL GET THE CRANBERRY JUICE.

[telephone ringing]

- [clears throat]

MARK AND RANDALL'S RESIDENCE.

- I SEE YOU STANDINGOVER THE BODY

OF ANOTHER DEAD PRESIDENT.

- WE HAD CEREAL TODAY.WHAT DID YOU EAT?

- PAY ATTENTION, DAMN IT!

LINCOLN'S GOING TO DIE,

AND IT'S GOING TO BEALL YOUR FAULT...AGAIN!

HANG UP THE PHONE, TWAYNE.

- I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY MY NAME.

- HE COULDN'T HEAR THAT.

- HOW CAN YOU NOT HEAR "TWAYNE"?

IT STICKS IN YOUR HEAD.

TWAYNE, TWAYNE, TWAYNE...

[echoing]TWAYNE, TWAYNE...

- SOMEBODY'S GOING TO TRYTO KILL A MAN NAMED LINCOLN,

AND WE HAVE TO STOP HIM.

PASS IT ON.

- 67 JUST CALLED YOU A GIRL.

PASS IT ON.

- GOD, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURALTO SIT DOWN WHEN YOU PEE.

PASS THAT ON!

- TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

- I WANT YOU...

TO MURDER ALL THE TINY LEONARDSFOR ME.

- GET OUT.

I'M NOT JUSTSOME MURDERING DEMON

WHO KILLS OUT OF OBLIGATION.

I DO IT FOR PLEASURE.

- IF YOU'D JUST PLEASELET ME SLEEP HERE TONIGHT,

I PROMISE I'LL SLAUGHTERALL OF THEM TOMORROW.

- I HEARD THE SLENDER ONE SAYHE WANTS TO MURDER US.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD CUT A DEAL.

- WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER.

LINCOLN'S LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

- [bleep]!IT'S EVERY LEONARD FOR HIMSELF.

MAGIC!

[all yelling]

- THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE LEONARD.

[yells]

- JUST BIDE YOUR TIME, 254.

THEY'LL DESTROY THEMSELVESSOON ENOUGH.

MMM.

- OKAY, GUYS, I'M GETTINGKICKED OUT AGAIN.

TIME TO GET BACK IN THE SACK.

LET'S DO IT.

- ALLEY-OOP!

- SUCK IT, LILLY.

TO KILL THESE LEONARDS FOR ME.

GRIMES, YOU'RE MY HIT MAN?

- WHO'S THIS GRIMES?I'M RAOUL, MARK.

NOW, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

- YOU NEED TO FINDTHESE LITTLE LEONARDS

AND KILL THEM.

IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN,LINCOLN WILL BE DEAD AGAIN

WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.

- WHAT DO YOU CARE?LINCOLN'S ALREADY DEAD.

- IT'S NOT FOR ME.IT'S FOR LEONARD.

IF I DON'T GET HIM BACKTO FULL SIZE BY SHOWTIME,

HE'LL LOSE HIS CHANCETO REDEEM HIMSELF.

- I WILL HUNT DOWN AND KILLYOUR LEPRECHAUNS.

BUT I AM JUST ONE MAN.

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD USEA SNITCH.

27, HERE I COME!

- LET'S HEAR HIM OUT.

- I CAN TRACK THEM.

I INSERTED CHIPSBETWEEN THEIR SHOULDER BLADES

WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING.

I'LL SERVE THEM UPON A SILVER PLATTER.

- WHAT'S THE CATCH?

- I GET TO BE THE LEONARD...

THAT SAVES THE PRESIDENT.

- DEAL.

- AND YOU GOTTA KEEPTHESE BAD BOYS COMING.

- I DON'T WORK WITH JUNKIES.

- WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO WE HAVE?

- FINE, BUT I DON'T WANTTO SEE IT.

- OH, HI.CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

STOP!

- YEAH!

- RIGHT LEG, BLUE.

[laughter]

OH, GOD, NO.NO!

- FASTER!

[gunfire]

- HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

- DO IT.

WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

- YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS,SON.

- [sobbing]

[toilet flushes]

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