CC Presents: Ron White

  • Season 7, Ep 13
  • 05/08/2003

Ron White is a real cowboy, but he isn't a typical Texan.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Ron White: THANK YOU!

MY GOODNESS, HOW SWEET ARE YOU?

HOW SWEET ARE YOU?

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, BEFORE I GET STARTED,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION.

I LOST MY SUNGLASSES YESTERDAY.

TODAY, I WENT TO THE

SUNGLASS HUT.

HERE'S THE QUESTION.

WHY DOES A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES,

COST MORE THAN A 25-INCH

COLOR TELEVISION SET?

(LAUGHTER)

I WALK INTO THE SUNGLASS HUT.

I SEE A PAIR OF GLASSES I LIKE.

I DON'T LOVE 'EM.

I LIKE 'EM, 309 BUCKS.

AND I ASKED THE GUY

VERY POLITELY, "HOW DO YOU SLEEP

AT NIGHT, YOU LITTLE PRICK?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I TOLD HIM, AND THIS IS

TRUE, THAT TWO WEEKS AGO,

I BOUGHT A 25-INCH COLOR

TELEVISION SET FROM WAL-MART

FOR 218 BUCKS.

AND HE GOES, "WELL, APPARENTLY,

SIR, YOU DON'T GET IT."

I'M LISTENIN'.

(LAUGHTER)

HE GOES, "THESE GLASSES

ELIMINATE 100& OF ALL UV RAYS."

I'M LIKE, "NO, APPARENTLY

YOU DON'T GET IT.

THIS THING DECODES A DIGITAL

SATELLITE SIGNAL IT PICKS UP

FROM OUTER (BLEEP) SPACE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND THEN IT TURNED OUT

THE GLASSES GOT BASIC CABLE,

AND I FELT LIKE A TWIT,

SO, YOU KNOW.

YOU TAKE A CRAP SO BIG

YOUR PANTS FIT BETTER?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M HOPING THAT HAPPENS TO ME

LATER TONIGHT.

THESE BABIES ARE SNUG.

SO, IT'S GREAT TO BE IN

NEW YORK.

I'M STAYIN' IN A SNOOTY HOTEL,

THE MILLENNIUM.

I WENT OUT LAST NIGHT AND

I GOT BACK AT THE HOTEL AT 7:30

THIS MORNING, AND I WENT UP TO

THE DESK TO LEAVE A WAKE-UP CALL

FOR 7:00.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE LADY GOES, "MR. WHITE,

IT'S PAST 7:00."

"NO, THE NEXT ONE.

YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE COMIN'

AROUND, DON'T YA?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT ME ON

THAT ONE, EH?"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HEAR THEY'RE RUNNIN' TWO A DAY

THROUGH NEW YORK CITY.

AND IT TURNS OUT I WAS RIGHT.

SURE ENOUGH, TWO A DAY,

LIKE CLOCKWORK.

(LAUGHTER)

SO, ANYWAY, FIRST TIME I EVER

WORKED IN NEW YORK CITY,

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY TRUCK

AND STOLE MY RADIO.

THANK YOU, WHOEVER YOU WERE.

I GOT TO DRIVE BACK TO TEXAS

LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF WIND

FOR 56 HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

I WENT TO THE INSURANCE COMPANY.

I WAS FILLIN' OUT THESE FORMS

AND I GOT TO THE PART ON THE

FORM WHERE IT SAYS WHAT KIND

OF RADIO WAS IT.

AND I TOLD THE GUY I DIDN'T

REMEMBER AND HE SAID,

"MR. WHITE, IF YOU CAN REMEMBER

WHAT KIND OF RADIO IT WAS,

WE'LL KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY

TO GIVE YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

GOOD NEWS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I THOUGHT OF A REAL EXPENSIVE

SOUNDING BRAND AND I WROTE

IT DOWN, AND HE KNEW I WAS

LYING.

"MR. WHITE, I DON'T BELIEVE

ROLEX MAKES A RADIO."

(LAUGHTER)

IT WAS A CLOCK RADIO.

WRITE THE CHECK, PREMIUM BOY.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

SO, I WAS JUST OUT IN L.A.

FOR 10 DAYS.

I DON'T LIKE LOS ANGELES,

CALIFORNIA.

IT CHANGES PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I HAD A BUDDY OF MINE FROM

HOUSTON, HE'S A COMEDIAN,

HE MOVES TO L.A. SIX MONTHS AGO.

SIX MONTHS IN L.A., I DON'T KNOW

HIM.

SIX MONTHS IN L.A., NOW HE'S A

VEGETARIAN, A HUMANITARIAN,

AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

FINE.

IF YOU'RE HERE TONIGHT

AND YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN,

DO ME A FAVOR.

SHUT UP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA RECRUIT ME.

I DIDN'T CLIMB TO THE TOP OF

THE FOOD CHAIN TO EAT CARROTS.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU EVER SEE A HEALTHY LOOKING

VEGETARIAN?

THEY'RE ALL KIND OF YELLOW,

AREN'T THEY?

THEIR BODIES BECOME INTOLERANT.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I'M ON THE WAY TO THE

MELROSE IMPROVE TO DO A SET

WITH MY BUDDY AND HE SAYS THIS,

AND I QUOTE.

HE GOES, "I FEEL NAUSEOUS

AND I HAVE A HEADACHE.

I THINK THAT VEGETABLE SOUP

I HAD FOR LUNCH MUST HAVE HAD

BEEF BROTH IN IT."

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOUR SYSTEM'S KICKIN' BACK--

BROTH?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE A MANLY MAN, AREN'T YA?

(APPLAUSE)

WHY ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN,

I ASKED HIM, AND IT WASN'T EVEN

BECAUSE MEAT'S BAD FOR YOU.

HE SAID THAT RAISING CATTLE

WAS BAD FOR THE PLANET WITH

COW FLATULENCE IN THE OZONE

AND THE CLEARING OF LAND FOR

THE RAISING OF CATTLE.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HELP

THE ENVIRONMENT?

I'M EATIN' THE COW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CRAZY PEOPLE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I WAS IN MIAMI A COUPLE YEARS

AGO WHEN HURRICANE GEORGE HIT

THE KEYS.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY.

THEY EVACUATED THE KEYS,

AND EVERYBODY LEFT EXCEPT FOR

ONE GUY, WHO WAS GONNA STAY

THERE AND TIE HIMSELF TO A TREE

ON THE BEACH TO PROVE A POINT.

AND THE POINT WAS, HE SAID,

THAT AT 53 YEARS OF AGE,

HE WAS IN GOOD ENOUGH PHYSICAL

CONDITION TO WITHSTAND THE WIND

AND THE RAIN FROM A FORCE 3

HURRICANE.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHIN' TO YA.

IT ISN'T THAT THE WIND

IS BLOWIN', IT'S WHAT THE WIND

IS BLOWIN'.

IF YOU GET HIT WITH A VOLVO,

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER

HOW MANY SIT-UPS YOU DID THAT

MORNING.

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

I AM FROM TEXAS.

I'M A COWBOY, A REAL COWBOY.

PROBABLY NOT A TYPICAL TEXAN,

IN THAT I DON'T HUNT.

I FISH, BUT I DON'T HUNT.

AND NOT BECAUSE I THINK IT MIGHT

SOMEHOW BE MORE HOLY TO EAT MEAT

THAT'S BEEN BLUDGEONED TO DEATH

BY SOMEBODY ELSE.

THAT'S NOT IT.

IT'S REALLY EARLY IN THE

MORNING, IT'S REALLY COLD

OUTSIDE AND I DON'T WANT

TO (BLEEPING) GO.

(LAUGHTER)

MY COUSIN, RAY, ON THE OTHER

HAND, THINKS KILLIN' A DEER

WITH A DEER RIFLE IS MAGIC

IN THE FOREST.

I WOULD LIKE TO DO FOR YOU NOW

MY IMPRESSION OF MY COUSIN

RAY...

AFTER THE BIG KILL.

"HELL, IT WAS 4:00 IN THE

MORNIN', 22 DEGREES OUTSIDE.

OF COURSE, YOU WEREN'T THERE.

PUSSY!

(LAUGHTER)

I'M IN A CAMOUFLAGED DEER BLIND

WITH GREASE PAINT ON MY FACE.

I'VE GOT DEER URINE ON MY BOOTS.

I'M NOT SURE WHY."

(LAUGHTER)

I MADE THAT PART UP.

"I'VE GOT A 30-OUGHT-SIX WITH A

12-POWER SCOPE AND A BULLET

THAT'LL TRAVEL 2,200 FEET

PER SECOND.

WHEN THAT DEER LOOKED UP TO LICK

THE SALT SUCKER I'D HUNG FROM

THE DANGED OLD TREE...

(LAUGHTER)

I CAUGHT HIM RIGHT ABOVE

THE EYE."

OH, YEAH?

WELL, I HIT ONE WITH A VAN...

(LAUGHTER)

GOING 55 MILES AN HOUR

WITH THE HEADLIGHTS ON

AND THE HORN BLOWIN'.

WHEW!

THAT'S AN ELUSIVE LITTLE

CREATURE.

IF YOU EVER MISS ONE,

IT'S 'CAUSE THE BULLET'S MOVIN'

TOO FAST.

SLOW THE BULLET DOWN TO 55 MILES

AN HOUR PUT SOME HEADLIGHTS

AND A LITTLE HORN ON IT.

THE DEER WILL ACTUALLY JUMP

IN FRONT OF THE BULLET.

(SOUND OF BULLET HITTING DEAR)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, I'M A-- HMM, MARRIED MAN,

HAPPILY MARRIED MAN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ASKING.

(LAUGHTER)

I MARRIED A RICH WOMAN, IF YOU

EVER HAVE A CHOICE, GO AHEAD.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S A LIE.

SHE'S NOT RICH AT ALL.

HER PARENTS ARE LOA-O-O-O-DED!

AND THEY HATE MY GU-UH-UH-TS.

AND I'M WAITIN' FOR THEM TO

DI-I-I-I-I-I-E.

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU'LL KNOW IF THEY DIE,

TOO, BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER SEE

MY FAT ASS AGAIN.

I'LL BE IN PALM BEACH WITH

MY NEW FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERYTHING'S AN EMERGENCY

TO MY WIFE 'CAUSE SHE'S NEVER

HAD TO DEAL WITH HER OWN

PROBLEMS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SPOILED, CATERED TO HER WHOLE

LIFE.

THERE'S NO CURE FOR THAT,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS IN ATLANTA ONE TIME.

SHE CALLS ME ONE NIGHT,

MISSES ME IN THE HOTEL ROOM,

THEY CATCH ME IN THE LOBBY

AND TELL ME I HAVE AN EMERGENCY

PHONE CALL FROM HOME.

I KNOCKED OVER 10 PEOPLE

IN THE LOBBY OF A VERY NICE

HOTEL THINKIN' MAYBE MY

IN-LAWS--

(LAUGHTER)

I CALL HER, SHE TELLS ME MY DOG,

SLUGGO, JUST TOOK A DUMP

ON THE NEW CARPET.

I'M LIKE, "SHOOT HIM!"

SHE GOES, "THAT'S JUST LIKE YOU,

RON.

I HAVE A GENUINE PROBLEM

AND YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC."

"ALL RIGHT, HONEY, I'M SORRY.

PUT THE DOG ON THE PHONE,

I'LL TALK TO HIM."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I BOUGHT THIS BIG, TWO-STORY,

CUSTOM VAN TO TOUR IN.

AND IT'S KIND OF NEAT.

IT'S GOT THE JAMES BOND COUCH

IN THE BACK WHERE YOU PUSH A

BUTTON AND THE COUCH IN THE BACK

AUTOMATICALLY TURNS INTO A BED.

I'M LIKE, WELL, THAT'S COOL.

I FINALLY GOT SOMETHING OVER

THOSE MERCEDES-BENZ DRIVIN'

IN-LAWS OF MINE, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

WHEN I FIRST BOUGHT THE VAN,

I WAS REAL PROUD OF IT AND

I TOOK IT STRAIGHT OVER TO

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW'S HOUSE

TO SHOW IT OFF 'CAUSE HE'S SUCH

A PRICK.

HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT MY NEW VAN,

HE GOES, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU

DIDN'T BUY A MERCEDES-BENZ."

(LAUGHTER)

WAIT, THEY DON'T MAKE A VAN.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HE GOES, "RON, I DON'T THINK YOU

FULLY UNDERSTAND THE INTRICACIES

OF MERCEDES-BENZ ENGINEERING.

WHY, I GOT THE THREE-INCH

WINDSHIELD WIPER THAT KEEPS

MY HEADLIGHT CLEAN IN A RAIN

STORM."

I GOT A PLACE TO HAVE SEX WITH

YOUR SISTER.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DON'T LIKE

ME.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S A BUNCH OF

CRAP.

I JUST GOT A DIVORCE.

I JUST WANTED TO DO THOSE JOKES

FIRST.

SO, I HAVE BIZARRE FRIENDS.

I STILL HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S

A HOMOPHOBIC.

DIDN'T YOU THINK THEY WERE ALL

DEAD?

DIDN'T YOU THINK THAT WAS

NONEXISTENT ANY MORE?

I STILL HAVE A FRIEND THAT'S

A HOMOPHOBIC.

WHAT A WASTED EMOTION THAT IS,

TO BE A HOMOPHOBIC.

WHY, WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?

HE SAID SOMETHING STUPID

THE OTHER DAY, HE GOES, "MAN,

THIS PLACE'D BE BETTER IF THERE

WASN'T SO MANY QUEERS."

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A THOUGHT

JUST LET IT GO.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'LL BE WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME.

AND LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TELL YOU

THIS, WE'RE ALL GAY.

IT'S JUST TO WHAT EXTENT ARE YOU

GAY."

HE GOES, "THAT'S BULL(BLEEP).

I AIN'T GAY AT ALL."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, YOU ARE

AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU."

HE GOES, "FINE, PROVE IT."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, DO YOU

LIKE PORN?"

HE GOES, "YEAH, I LOVE PORN.

YOU KNOW THAT."

I'M LIKE, "DO YOU ONLY WATCH

SCENES WITH TWO WOMEN TOGETHER?"

HE GOES, "NO, I WATCH A MAN

AND A WOMAN MAKIN' LOVE."

I'M LIKE "DO YOU LIKE THE GUY

TO HAVE A SMALL, HALF-FLACCID

PENIS?"

HE GOES, "NO, I LIKE BIG, HARD,

THROBBIN' (BLEEP)!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I DID NOT KNOW THAT ABOUT

MYSELF!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES))

Ron White: I GOT THROWN OUT OF

A BAR IN NEW YORK CITY.

NOW, WHEN I SAY I GOT "THROWN"

OUT OF A BAR, I DON'T MEAN

SOMEBODY ASKED ME TO LEAVE,

AND WE WALKED TO THE DOOR

TOGETHER.

AND I SAID, "BYE, EVERYBODY,

I GOTTA GO."

SIX BOUNCERS HURLED ME OUT OF A

NIGHTCLUB LIKE I WAS A FRISBEE.

THOSE BIG-OLD HUGE NEW YORK

BOUNCERS, YOU KNOW, THOSE BIG

OLD-BOYS THAT THINK BOUNCING'S

A COOL JOB TO HAVE.

THEY HANG OUT WITH OTHER

BOUNCERS TALKIN' ABOUT BOUNCING.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY GO HOME EVERY NIGHT

AND WATCH ROADHOUSE AND

BEAT OFF, YOU KNOW WHO I'M

TALKIN' ABOUT?

PATRICK SWAYZE'S HITTIIN'

ANOTHER GUY!

(LAUGHTER)

FOR WEARIN' A HAT--

I WALK INTO A BAR WITH A HAT ON,

THIS GUY, REAL PISSY, GOES

"TAKE OFF THE HAT!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S THE DEAL?"

HE GOES, "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT

THE DEAL IS.

(BLEEP) IN THIS AREA WEAR HATS.

WE'RE TRYING TO KEEP 'EM OUT

OF OUR CLUB."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, REALLY,

THE ONLY WAY WE CAN TELL

IN TEXAS IS IF THEY HAVE THEIR

HAIR CUT LIKE-- YOURS."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES)

THEN HE GOT ALL PISSED.

BUT HE WALKED AWAY AND I TOOK

THE HAT OFF.

AND LIKE AN HOUR LATER,

I'D BEEN DRINKIN' AND I FORGOT.

YOU EVER FORGET?

IT HAPPENED TO ME.

I PUT THE HAT BACK ON AND

THE GUY COMES OVER TO ME.

NOW I'M BETWEEN 6'1" AND 6'6"

DEPENDING ON WHICH CONVENIENCE

STORE I'M LEAVIN'.

(LAUGHTER)

I WEIGH 240 POUNDS.

THE GUY COMES OVER TO ME,

POKIN' ME IN THE SHOULDER WITH

TWO FINGERS, SAYS, "YOU'RE OUTTA

HERE!"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T THINK SO,

(BLEEP)!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I WAS WRONG.

THEY HURLED MY ASS.

AND THEN THEY SQUARED OFF

WITH ME IN THE PARKIN' LOT,

AND I BACKED DOWN FROM

THE FIGHT, 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

HOW MANY OF 'EM IT WOULD OF

TAKEN TO WHIP MY ASS.

BUT I KNEW HOW MANY THEY WERE

GONNA USE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A HANDY LITTLE PIECE OF

INFORMATION TO HAVE RIGHT THERE.

IT WAS OVERKILL.

WELL, THEY CALLED THE POLICE

'CAUSE WE BROKE A CHAIR ON THE

WAY OUT THE DOOR, AND I REFUSED

TO PAY FOR IT.

I REFUSED TO PAY FOR IT BECAUSE

WE BROKE IT OVER MY THIGH.

(LAUGHTER)

THE COPS SHOWED UP, AND AT

THAT POINT, I HAD THE RIGHT

TO REMAIN SILENT...

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE ABILITY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE COP SAYS, "MR. WHITE,

YOU ARE BEING CHARGED WITH DRUNK

IN PUBLIC."

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,

HEY, I WAS DRUNK IN A BAR.

THEY "THREW" ME INTO PUBLIC.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T WANT TO BE DRUNK IN

PUBLIC.

I WANT TO BE DRUNK IN A BAR,

WHICH IS PERFECTLY LEGAL.

ARREST THEM."

WELL, HE DIDN'T ARREST THEM.

INSTEAD, HE MADE ME DO A FIELD

SOBRIETY TEST WHERE YOU STAND ON

ONE FOOT, RAISE THE OTHER FOOT

SIX INCHES OFF THE GROUND

AND COUNT TO 30.

I MADE IT TO--

WHOOH!

(LAUGHTER)

IS THAT GONNA BE CLOSE ENOUGH?

WELL, IT WASN'T CLOSE ENOUGH.

SO, THEY CALL IN FOR MY ARREST

RECORD.

THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS.

NOW, I TOLD YOU THAT STORY

TO TELL YOU THIS STORY.

WHEN I WAS 17 YEARS OLD,

I WAS ARRESTED FOR BEING DRUNK

IN PUBLIC.

SEEMS TO BE A PATTERN.

(LAUGHTER)

AND ONE DWI, WHICH WAS A BOGUS

CHARGE BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT,

THEY WERE STOPPIN' EVERY VEHICLE

TRAVELING DOWN THAT PARTICULAR

SIDEWALK AND THAT'S--

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S PROFILIN'.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

AND PROFILIN' IS WRONG!

ON THE DRUNK IN PUBLIC CHARGE,

THE ARRESTING OFFICER IN FRITCH,

TEXAS, WHO I HAD LITERALLY KNOWN

ALL MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THIS GUY LIVED FOUR DOORS

DOWN FROM ME IN A TOWN OF

LESS THAN 400 PEOPLE.

WE'VE MET.

HE TAKES ME TO JAIL AND WHEN

WE GET THERE, HE ASKED ME IF

I HAVE ANY ALIASES.

AND I WAS JUST BEIN' A SMART-ASS

AND SAID, "YEAH, THEY CALL ME

'TATER SALAD'."

(LAUGHTER)

SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER IN

NEW YORK CITY, I'M HANDCUFFED

ON A BENCH WITH BLOOD COMIN' OUT

OF MY NOSE AND THIS COP GOES,

"ARE YOU RON TATER SALAD WHITE?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAUGHT ME.

YOU CAUGHT THE TATER.

YOU CAN TAKE DOWN THOSE

ROADBLOCKS NOW.

I CALL MY SON, TATER TOT.

Ron White: SO, I MENTIONED

SLUGGO EARLIER.

THAT'S WHO?

Audience: THE DOG.

Ron White: GOOD, CLASS.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S A GREAT DOG.

I LOVE MY DOG.

HE'S AN ENGLISH BULLDOG.

"SLUGGO, THAT'S MY NAME.

DON'T (BLEEP) WITH ME."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO HIM WHEN

HE'S ASLEEP?

I LIFT UP THOSE BIG-OLD,

HUGE BULLDOG JOWLS AND I HIDE

M&M'S AND (BLEEP) IN THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

HE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING

WITH (SMACK), "IT'S GONNA BE

A GOOD DAY, TATER."

HE CALLS ME TATER.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S A GREAT DOG.

HE'S SICK RIGHT NOW, WHICH IS

A PAIN IN THE BUTT.

'CAUSE IF HE GETS SICK, YOU

CAN'T JUST FEED HIM MEDICINE,

HE'LL SPIT IT OUT.

YOU GOTTA HIDE IT IN A PIECE

OF CHEESE OR SOMETHING.

AND I STUD HIM OUT LAST YEAR

FOR PICK OF THE LITTER.

AND I PUT HIM WITH A FEMALE DOG

FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS 'CAUSE

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU JUST

FEEL LIKE GETTIN' YOUR DOG LAID,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW HE HADN'T BEEN LAID,

HE'S BEEN IN THE BACKYARD

FOR TWO YEARS SHAKIN'.

"DO YOU KNOW SOMEBODY, TATER,

OR SOMEBODY YOU COULD CALL?

(LAUGHTER)

COULD YOU THROW A POODLE OVER

THE FENCE, BUDDY, I'M TURNING

BLUE BACK HERE."

AND THEN TO MAKE SURE IT TOOK,

I TOOK HIM DOWN TO THE

VETERINARIAN'S OFFICE AND HAD

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION DONE

TWICE.

NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T

KNOW, THAT'S WHERE THEY OBTAIN

THE SEMEN FROM SLUGGO AND PUT IT

IN THE FEMALE DOG.

AND NOW, IT'S PRETTY EASY TO GET

OLD SLUGGO TO GO TO THE VET.

(LAUGHTER)

HE LOVES THE PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU SAY SOMETHIN' AROUND

MY HOUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE

VET SLUGGO'S HUMPIN' AIR.

I WENT DOWN THERE.

THE VETERINARIAN HAD

THE AUDACITY TO SAY TO ME,

"MR. WHITE, IF YOU'LL JUST

COME ON BACK HERE, WE'LL SHOW

YOU HOW TO DO THIS AND

NEXT TIME, YOU DON'T HAVE

TO BRING IN THE DOG, YOU CAN

JUST BRING IN THE SEMEN."

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU GO AHEAD AND JACK OFF

THE DOG.

HE FOLLOWS ME AROUND TOO MUCH

AS IT IS.

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE I'M GONNA SPEND THE REST

OF MY LIFE WITH THIS BULLDOG.

"JACK ME OFF!"

"GET OUT OF HERE, WE GOT

COMPANY."

"YOU DID IT THE OTHER DAY!"

"DO IT YOURSELF!"

"I DON'T HAVE ANY THUMBS!"

(LAUGHTER)

THANKS FOR PLAYIN' ALONG.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT,

GOOD NIGHT.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

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