Tuesday, June 16, 2015

  • 06/16/2015

Paul F. Tompkins, April Richardson and Ron Funches unveil their emoji passwords, mock movie theater marquees and propose new uses for the Stanley Cup.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> EMOJI ARE NO LONGER FOR JUSTPERFECTLY DESCRIBING YOUR

POST-BRUCH-ULATION ON INSTAGRAM.A UK COMPANY CALLED INTELLIGENT

ENVIRONMENTS IS DEVELOPING A WAYTO USE EMOJI TO REPLACE

TRADITIONAL PASSWORDS, SAYING THAT EMOJI ARE MORE

MEMORABLE TO OUR BRAINS WHILEBEING

SIMULTANEOUSLY HARDER FORSOMEONE ELSE TO FIGURE OUT.

SO HERE IS A LITTLE CLIP FROMTHEIR BUSINESS.

>> YOU CAN JUST THINK OF A FUNNYSTORY, NO ONE WILL CRACK THAT.

>> I MIGHT CHOOSE TO REMEMBERBABY WAKES ME UP IN THE MORNING,

CYCLE TO WORK, HAVE AN APPLE AT

LUNCHTIME AND A BEER IN THEEVENING.

>> Chris: AND THEN GET DRUNKENOUGH TO GO HOME TO THE BABY.

THIS SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY LOGICALWAY TO COME UP WITH A PASSWORD

SO COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOU TOREVEAL WHAT YOUR EMOJI PASSWORD

WOULD BE AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOTIT.

LET'S START WITH YOU, PAUL.

>> IF I AM LUCKY, I WILLCELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY AT THE

RENAISSANCE FAIR, BEFORE I AMPUT TO DEATH BY LETHAL INJECTION

FOR BLINDING A MONKEY.

>> Chris: VERY EASY FOR YOU TOREMEMBER.

YES.

POINTS.

>>THAT WAS QUITE A DAY.

THAT WAS QUITE A DAY.

>> Chris: APRIL, WHAT IS YOURPASSWORD?

>> I'VE GOTTA SAY, MINE IS A LOTSIMPLER.

>> MINE IS A LOT SIMPLER. MYPASSWORD CLUE IS JUST TO

REMEMBER WHAT IS THE COOLEST(BLEEP) IN THE WORLD, A HORSE

SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT'S COOL AS HELL.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

POINTS.

POINTS TO APRIL. RON FUNCHES,WHAT'S YOURS?

>> MY MINE WOULD BE MY LIFEMOTTO WHICH IS DON'T LISTEN TO

THE HATERS, YOU ARE THE (BLEEP)AND ALSO WATCH OUT FOR ALIENS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: CAN WE TALK ABOUTWHY (BLEEP) EMOJI IS SMILING?

>> SMILING--IT IS HAPPY.

>> TAKING THE EDGE OFF THE FACTTHAT IT IS A PIECE OF (BLEEP).

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW.

IT IS ACTUALLY--THE ORIGINS AREJAPAN, LIKE THEY WANTED TO --

>> SAY NO MORE.

>> Chris: WELL NOW IT IS TIME

TO START OUR #HASHTAGWARS.

IN HONOR OF DONALD TRUMPLAUNCHING HIS VANITY CAMPAIGN

ON PERISCOPE, TONIGHT'S HASHTAGIS #TRUMPLEBRAGS.

#TRUMPLEBRAGS.

HE ANNOUNCED THIS ON PERISCOPETO 2,500 VIEWERS.

I HAD THE EXACT NUMBER

OF VIEWERS WHEN I WAS STREAMINGTEARS FOR FEARS AT BONNAROO.

>> WHICH WAS AWESOME.

>> Chris: THEY WERE AMAZING.

AND THAT IS FINE.

BUT TEARS FOR FEARS ISN'TRUNNING FOR (BLEEP)ING

PRESIDENT.

BUT THEY SHOULD!

>> THEY SHOULD.

>> Chris: WE ARE LOOKING FORRIDICULOUS BOASTS THAT BEFIT THE

DONALD'S LOADED EGO, SO EXAMPLESMIGHT INCLUDE

MY WIG IS MADE FROM100 PERCENT ALBINO HORSEHAIR OR

I PARLAYED MY INHERITED MILLIONSINTO A SERIES OF FAILED

CASINOS.

I GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> I EAT PENNIES AND I DON'TEVEN CARE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> EVERY DAY I SERVE A LUNCHBUFFET OF ENDANGERED SPECIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> I SLAUGHTERED AND COOKEDSCROOGE MCDUCK FOR CHRISTMAS

DINNER IN 1996.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> I PUT ON MY PANTS TWO LEGS ATA TIME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> I HAD MY BLOOD REPLACED WITHCHAMPAGNE. I WILL BE DEAD IN TEN

MINUTES BUT AT LEAST I WON'T DIEA LOSER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME BUT ISTILL MAKE MONEY. I'M A

HUMAN FUDDRUCKERS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES AGAIN.

>> I OWN SLAVES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THE DEVIL CALLS ME WHEN HE'SNOT FEELING CONFIDENT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY MARQUEE DEFAIL.

MARQUEE DE FAIL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: AS A GREAT MAN ONCE

SAID--ME, JUST NOW--ON THEINTERNET, ANYTHING CAN FAIL.

FROM CATS TO CAKES, EVERY ASPECTOF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE CAN BE

PUT ONLINE AND MOCKEDMERCILESSLY.

AND, YES, ALSO MOVIE MARQUEES.IS NOTHING SACRED?

>> SO WE WILL SHOW YOU A CINEMASIGNAGE FAIL THAT INADVERTENTLY

CREATED A MUCH MORE INTERESTINGNEW MOVIE.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU'RE GONNAGIVE US A TAGLINE FROM THAT

NEW MOVIE.

LINCOLN, BULLET TO THE HEAD.

PAUL.

>> YOU CAN'T REWRITE HISTORY.

>> Chris: YES. POINTS.

APRIL.

>> "A TOUR DE FORCE," SAYS JOHNWILKES BOOTH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> ARE YOU A RACIST WHO JUSTWANTS TO GET TO THE GOOD PART?

>> THE GOOD PART.

THE GOOD PART.

>> Chris: POINTS TO RONFUNCHES.

NEXT ONE.

FOCUS, GET HARD, AMERICANSNIPER.

>> RON.

>> SOLDIER FINDS OUT HIS TRUESTBATTLE IS FIGHTING THE MONOTONY

OF MARRIAGE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> THE STORY OF ONE MAN WHOCOULDN'T YANK HIS DOODLE

DANDY.

>> Chris: VERY WELL DONE.

>> I AM SORRY.

I CAN SEE THAT ON A BILLBOARD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THOR: THE D.

>> MR. FUNCHES.

>> DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WORTHYENOUGH TO HOLD IT?

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> HE IS HAMMERING HIS WAYTHROUGH THE ALPHABET.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THE WRATH OF THE TIT.

>> Chris: PAUL.

>>HERE'S MILK IN YOUR EYE.

>> Chris: RON.

>> FROM THE MAKERS OF THOR: THED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LAST ONE, TRANSFORMERS SEX TAPE.

>> RON FUNCHES.

>> HEY, DO YOU WANT TO SEE(BLEEP)ING ROBOTS (BLEEP)ING

ROBOTS?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WO, WA.

>> Chris: APRIL.

>> LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS...TO THEFACE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MR. TOMPKINS.

>> ROBOTS IN THIS GUY.

>> THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

THE DIGITAL TEAM, CAN YOU GUYSSHOW THEM THAT THING YOU MOCKED

UP? I KNOW IT IS JUST SUPPOSEDTO BE FOR US BUT CAN YOU SHOW

IT?

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS FANTASTIC MEME, CREATED

BY AN ICELANDIC AD AGENCY AFTERONE OF THEIR COPYWRITERS PASSED

OUT ON THE OFFICE COUCH, AND IASKED YOU TO TELL ME HOW THIS

GREAT HUNT WENT DOWN.

>> RON FUNCHES. LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> I PUT OUT A PICNIC BASKET OFBUBBA KUSH AND THE COMPLETE

SEASON OF "ADVENTURE TIME" ANDTHE LITTLE FELLA JUST PLUM

TUCKERED HIMSELF OUT.

>> Chris: PAUL TOMPKINS.

>> WE HAVE BEEN ON MANY HUNTINGEXPEDITIONS AND TRAVELED ALL

OVER THE THE WORLD, LAIN IN WAITIN EXTREME CLIENTS. IF ONLY WE

KNEW ALL WE NEEDED WAS HIS HOMEADDRESS AND

THE LOCATION OF HIS PLASTIC ROCKHIDE-A-KEY.

>> Chris: APRIL.

>> LUCKY SHOT, I GUESS, BUT WEATE LIKE KINGS.

>> Chris: LET'S GO TO OUR NEXTGAME THE ICEMEN CUPPETH.

THE ICEMEN CUPPETH.

BIG NEWS FOR FANS OF THE ICYSLIP-N-SLIDE PUCK SPORTS, THE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS WON THESTANLEY CUP!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: BUT THIS IS BIG

NEWS, GUYS, THEY GET TO KEEPTHAT BIG METAL CUP

TROPHY THING.

NOW, TRADITION HOLDS THATWINNING PLAYERS CAN USE THE CUP

FOR A VARIETY OF UNNECESSARY ANDUNSANITARY PURPOSES, LIKE FOR

DRINKING FILTHY CHAMPAGNE OREATING FILTHY ICE CREAM.

LAST NIGHT THE BLACKHAWKS ADDEDTO THAT TRADITION BY PUTTING

THEIR BABIES IN IT.

HERE IS PLAYER CHRIS VERSTEEGCONFUSING HIS TWO-WEEK OLD SON,

RIGHT THERE.

>> THE LAST TEAM TOOK A (BLEEP)IN THIS, EH?

>> Chris: CLEARLY THIS CUP HASBEEN THROUGH A LOT BUT I AM SURE

FUTURE NHL CHAMPIONS COULD USEMORE INSPIRATION.

COME UP WITH AS MANY NEW USESFOR THE STANLEY CUP AS YOU CAN

IN 60 SECONDS. RON.

>> PUDDING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> MELT IT DOWN AND FORM IT INTOA TROPHY FOR A SPORT THAT PEOPLE

ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> WHAT ELSE? FILL IT WITHWATER AND MAKE IT A BIRDBATH FOR

A BUNCH OF LITTLE BIRDS OR ONEGREAT BIG FAT BIRD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> TINY MOUSE ROLLER DERBY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> TAKE THAT TO LIKE ONE OFTHOSE SELF-SERVE FRO-YO PLACES

AND FILL THAT BITCH UP WITHSALTED CARAMEL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> LEAVE IT BY THE FRONT DOORALL DAY, THEN LOOK OUT, COINSTAR

>> Chris: RON.

>> HAVE THE BEST DEVILEDEGG DISPLAY AT YOUR NEXT CHURCH

POTLUCK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> PROBABLY DO WHAT I DO WITH MYTONY AWARD, MAKE IT INTO A BONG.