Drew Tarver, Kulap Vilaysack and Andy Richter make up taglines for awkward realtors, #AddAWomanImproveAMovie and shed light on cruise ship conspiracy theories.
Ripped from today's internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh!
(cheers and applause)
Here are the most relevant items
from Andrew in Cincinnati'sbrowser history. First up...
Some guy named Andrew is gonnabe like, "What the (bleep)!"
First up-- pornocalypse.Pornocalypse.
Lawmakers in Utah arecoming down hard on (bleep) hard
-by declaring porn...-(laughter)
...a public threat.
Dozens of sworn non-masturbators
in the Utah House of Repspassed a resolution
calling porn a
"public health crisisfacing children and adults."
As well as conventions hallsfull of horny politicians who
have to pretendthey don't filibust-a nut
to the most depraved (bleep)imaginable
-on a 30-times-daily basis.-(applause)
What does he gotagainst convenience?
I mean, good lord,compared to the
steaming wheeze engine of myimagination, porn gets it done.
Do you know how logistically
difficult it isto get a pizza guy
to (bleep) a ladylive in your living room?
So here's my solution.
If porn isa public health crisis,
and people are never goingto stop watching porn,
why don't we make some porns
that encourage peopleto get healthy?
Like, uh, Two Girls, One Cup of Flaxseed Oil,
-or, uh, something like that.-(laughter)
Comedians, I would like you
to give me the name ofa healthy porno. Andy Richter.
-Omega 3 Squirters. -HARDWICK: Points.
that is, uh... that is...
technically fish oil. Uh...
-(applause)-I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
It had to be said.
HARDWICK:Had to be said. Kulap.
Three Dudes Fill My Whole Foods.
-Yes. Points. I'll give youpoints. -(laughter)
-Drew. -Debbie Does Zumba.
-HARDWICK: Yeah. Points. Points.-VILAYSACK (laughing): Drew.
HARDWICK: And she's never feltbetter. She's never felt better.
-No. -No. -Yes.
Next up-- Good Boy.Good Boy.
Dogs aren't man's best friend.
They're our obnoxiousbest friends
who insiston constantly one-upping us.
We get it. You're a good boy!
One particularly gifted dogin Indonesia
has been gettingsome online buzz
for what activity?Beating kids
at Dance Dance Revolution,
or driving his owneraround on a moped?
Uh, driving his owneraround on a moped.
HARDWICK:Let's find out together.
-Yes!-(applause and cheering)
VILAYSACK: Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!
HARDWICK:They... they died shortly after
this video was taken.
-(laughter)-VILAYSACK: Oh, no! No!
The dog took a hard right turn
into those weeds,chasing a squirrel.
Next up, Audio Quiz.
FEMININE COMPUTER VOICE:Audio Quiz.
Sometimes when you see...You guys heard that, too, right?
-TARVER: Yeah, yeah.-All right.
Sometimes when you seesomething impressive,
you can't help but blurt out,"Oh, yeah!"
But what triggered this blurt?Take a listen, take a listen.
-WOMAN: Oh, yeah...-(light rhythmic thumping)
-Oh, yeah.-(loud bang)
All right, what is that?Is that...
Um, well... no.
While I know that's the answerwe all hoped it would be...
...the correct answer is actually A.
-Aw... -Aw... -Take a look.-RICHTER: Who cares?
-WOMAN: Oh, yeah...-(light rhythmic thumping)
-Oh, yeah...-(loud bang)
-(whooping) -RICHTER: Wow.-HARDWICK: I know.
That is, like...
that is the coolest trick ever
being performed on the lamestmode of transportation.
It's like... it's like jumping30 busses with a Smart car.
Like, oh, you made it,but... yeah?
It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.
(cheering, whistling, whooping)
A very big happy birthdayto the Internet's
favorite Supreme Court justiceand all-around badass,
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the only80-something white woman
capable of making people say,"Yas, queen,"
without actually beingthe queen.
-(laughter)-Uh... Justice Ginsburg,
or as she's known on Tumblr,the Notorious RBG,
uh, looking here like she'sabout to judge a rap battle...
is having such a burstof popularity
that they're making a movieabout her life
starring Natalie Portman.
The only way the Internetcould love this any more
is if Katy Perry didthe soundtrack
and Benedict Cumberbatchplayed her gavel.
So in honor of this biopicfor a feminist icon,
tonight's hashtag is#AddAWomanImproveAMovie.
Examples might be: Beyoncé Anything...
and: Sarah Jurassic Parker.
I'm gonna put... 60 secondson the clock, and begin.
-Drew. -The Fem-pire Strikes Back.
Points. Very good.
-Kulap. -Batman v Superman v Leslie Mann.
-Andy Richter.-Uh, The X-Menses.
-Drew. -Fried Green Marisa Tomei-toes.
-Yes. Points. Very good.-(laughter, whooping)
-Kulap. -Girlfriend, Let's Get Drinks by the Dead Pool.
-Andy. -Midnight Cowboy Boots
That You Can Totally Wear with a Skirt.
Yes. Points. Very good.
-Andy Richter. -Lawrence of A-labia.
It's time to play Realty Bites!Realty Bites!
Realty isa very competitive business,
and nothing gives you the edgeas a salesperson
quite like a snazzy headshotwhere you...
you look like you mayor may not be having a stroke.
So, comedians,I'm going to show you
a bad real estate agentheadshot, and for 250 points,
I want you to tell mewhat the slogan would be
on their bus stop bench ad.
First up, this chill bro.
I'll let you put your dickon any furniture you want.
-Kulap. -(Southern accent):Mustache rides,
-whether you want 'em or not.-All right. Points.
HARDWICK (Southern accent):This, uh...
Every... every roomhe shows, like,
"This would be a charming dento have a mustache ride in."
-Well, no? All right.-No? Okay, well, this garage
has plenty of roomfor mustache rides!
Not a pedophile since 1998.
HARDWICK:Aw, that's nice.
Next up, how aboutthe infamous Cummings Team!
-There they are! Here comethe... -(laughter, groans)
What are you upset about?You're upset about something.
What are you so upset about?
Something really upset you guysin that picture.
I think just their image.
(like a little girl):My daddy cuts my hair!
That's right,the Cummings Team--
and it's not funny!
-All right. Points.-(laughter)
Next up, this bewitching lady.
-VILAYSACK: Oh, man.-That is Claudia Dupre,
and you will obey!
(like the Wicked Witch):I'll sell your house,
and your little dog, too!(cackling laughter)
-Points. Points.-(applause, whooping)
So you're gonna... you'regonna sell my dog as well?
(like the Wicked Witch):Yes, uh, if somebody wants him.
-Or I'll take him. I'll eat him.-Okay, okay...
-Kulap. -I'll find you a houseyou can die in.
Look at me.
I sold this house nine timesin the last three months.
I think you may be the daughterthey stole from me.
You've got my eyes.
I have your father's eyesright here.
Next up, here's curious Christi.
Christi's a little curious.
Thank you for noticing.I appreciate that.
-It's a fixer upper.-Yeah.
Um, even if you're onlya tiny bit black
I'll be able to tell.
Also, nice dick.
Before the break I told you
about Gwyneth Paltrow's recipefor a $200 smoothie
and I asked youto give me an excerpt
from her out-of-touch cookingshow for rich white people.
Just to be clear, my motheris a quarter Native American.
True story, true story.
Let's hear what youcame up with. Drew Tarver.
Today we're making braisedpanda. Uh, my daughter Apple--
not the ingredient-- loves it.
Let it cook for 20 minutes,
which is just enough timefor anal bleaching.
First, take a condor eggand crack it
into your 24-karatsolid gold bowl.
Then take a manatee steakand slice it thin
with the Hope Diamond.
Then set it all on fire,because who the (bleep) cares!
You kind of morphed into thatrealtor from the earlier game.
-Yeah, I did.-(cackles)
I'm the real Gwyneth Paltrow!
Uh... Andy Richter.
Now you can make Thai food justlike you'd get at a restaurant.
First step,buy a Thai restaurant.
As we go to our next game,
Conspiracy on the Conspira-Seas.
It's spring break time,
which means thousandsof depraved college students
will be filing onto cruise shipsacross the seven seas.
But this year they may have toshare the decks
with another group of people
who should be separatedfrom society:
Uh, this is absolutely true.
It's a conspiracy-themed cruise.
I would literally rather be ona boat raided by Somali pirates
than floating aroundon this barge
full of gray ponytails.
According to Jezebel,the Conspira-Sea Cruise
took its maiden voyagein January. Or did it?!
I'm kidding. Uh, withthe stated goal of uncovering
the "mind-blowing truth"about Monsanto,
bee colony collapse, autism,and, of course,
why the cruise has a mysterious30:1 male-to-female ratio,
all while drinkingdouble margaritas
during '80s Karaoke Nighton Deck B.
With Isaac. Comedians,
what are some thingsyou might overhear
on a conspiracy theory cruise?In 60 seconds and begin.
-Drew.-Chocolate Tower 7 is down.
-I think it was an inside job.-All right, points.
-Andy.-Me? No, I love vaccines.
In fact, this piña coladais full of them.
All right, points. Andy.
Maybe I did take a (bleep)in the pool.
Or maybe we all took a (bleep)in the pool.
Well, I guess...
I guess that would explainall the (bleep) in the pool.
-Drew. -I wish my tummy wasas flat as the Earth.
I'm beginning to thinkthat all of the bodies of water
-are somehow connected.-All right, points.
-Andy.-I heard that Han Solo
and Indiana Jonesare the same guy.
-Drew. -Uh, meet youat the Grassy Knoll Bar.
-We're taking shots.-All right. Points. -Oh! Drew!