CC Presents: Tom Rhodes

  • 01/11/2009

I THINK ELVIS PRESLEYIS THE PERFECT METAPHOR

FOR THE UNITED STATES,

BECAUSE ELVIS STARTED OUT YOUNGAND SEXY AND INNOVATIVE,

AND THEN HE BECAME ALL FATAND DISGUSTING AND BLOATED.

AND I THINK THAT'S WHERETHE UNITED STATES IS NOW, MAN.

WE'RE IN OUR "FAT, VEGAS,JUMPSUIT ELVIS" PERIOD.

TOO SCREWED UP TO KNOW

THE AUDIENCEISN'T DIGGING US ANYMORE.

"THIS CROWD LOVES ME, MAN.I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

KARATE KICK, BABY."

"DID MY HEROJUST DO A KARATE KICK?

SIGH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERY WAR IS A DEFEATTO THE HUMAN SPIRIT,

AND I'M COMPLETELY AGAINSTWAR OF ANY KIND.

BUT I THINKIF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A WAR,

YOU SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATETHE POWER OF RIDICULE.

WE SHOULD MESS WITH THESE PEOPLEA LITTLE BIT MORE.

MIX IT UP, MAN -- ONE DAY,BOMBS. ANOTHER DAY, CONFETTI.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH. ONE DAY, BOMBS.ANOTHER DAY, RUBBER CHICKENS.

"OH, I HATE RUBBER-CHICKEN DAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IT'S LIKE THEY'RE MAKING FUNOF US OR SOMETHING."

[ SCATTERED LAUGHS ]

I REMEMBER YEARS AGO,I READ A THING THAT SAID THAT

THE MONEY THAT THE UNITED STATESSPENT ON THE VIETNAM WAR,

WE COULD HAVE BUILTEACH VIETNAMESE FAMILY

A $300,000 HOME.

I DON'T KNOW WE DON'T EVERTRY THAT APPROACH.

MAKE THEM LOVE US TO DEATH.

WE SHOULD BUILD WATERSLIDE PARKSALL OVER THE MIDDLE EAST.

HOW MUCH HAPPIER WOULD THEY BE

IF THEY COULD GO DOWNREFRESHING WATERSLIDES?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Middle-Eastern accent ]"BULLY, BULLY, BULLY!"

[ APPLAUSE ]

SEE THOSE DUDESWITH THE REALLY LONG BEARDS

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SLIDE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK THAT ALL RADICAL MUSLIMSSHOULD SKATEBOARD.

BECAUSE AFTER ALL,THEY ARE RADICAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY LITTLE SISTERJUST HAD A BABY.

AREN'T CHILDREN BEAUTIFUL?YES.

IT'S FUNNY,THE NAMES OF DIAPERS.

YOU GOT LUVS AND HUGGIES.

BUT FOR ADULT DIAPERS,THEY'RE CALLED DEPENDS.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE

IF A LITTLE-BITTY BABYPOOPS IN HIS PANTS,

YOU KNOW, YOU STILL WANT TOLOVE HIM AND HUG HIM.

BUT IF AN OLD PERSONPOOPS IN HIS PANTS,

DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM?

DEPENDS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

DEPENDS IF I'M IN THE WILLOR NOT.

IF I'M IN THE WILL,

I'LL WIPE YOUR ASSAND POWDER YOUR BALLS, OLD MAN.

JUST DON'T FORGET LITTLE TOMMY.

[ SCATTERED LAUGHS ]

I KNOW A GIRL NAMED SAHARA.

HER STRIPPER NAME IS JILL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS IN A STRIP CLUB ONE TIME.

I SAW A DANCER THAT WAS SO UGLY,SHE HAD TO WEAR A CHANGE BELT.

[ LAUGHTER, JEERS ]

SHE KNEW NOBODY WAS GONNAGIVE HER A WHOLE DOLLAR.

I CAME AT HERWITH A COUPLE OF SINGLES.

SHE GOT ALL EXCITED.I SAID, "NO, BABY.

I JUST NEED CHANGEFOR THE CIGARETTE MACHINE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I GOT THE WORSTBIRTHDAY PRESENT THIS YEAR.

I GOT A STEPHEN HAWKINGAUDIOBOOK...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...READ BY THE AUTHOR.

SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THE COSMOS,

BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTANDA WORD OF IT.

I LIVE IN A REALLY OLD BUILDING,AND IT'S HAUNTED WITH GHOSTS.

AND I KNOW THAT,

BECAUSE WHENEVER I MASTURBATE,THEY GIGGLE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS MOVIELAST YEAR THAT CAME OUT

CALLED "THE BRIDGE"?

IT WAS ALL ABOUT SUICIDESON GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE.

THEY STUDIED IT.IT WAS FASCINATING.

DO YOU KNOWTHAT 1 OUT OF 20 PEOPLE

THAT JUMP OFF THEGOLDEN GATE BRIDGE SURVIVE?

HOW SCREWY WOULD THAT BE?

YOU TRY AND COMMIT SUICIDE,AND YOU LIVE.

THEN YOU GOT TO FACEYOUR FAMILY.

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

GREETINGS IN THE EVER-LOVINGNAME OF JAH. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, I JUST MOVED BACKTO THE UNITED STATES, EVERYBODY,

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS,

I WAS ACTUALLY LIVINGIN AMSTERDAM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAD TO GET OUT OF AMSTERDAM.

I WAS SMOKINGTOO MUCH MARIJUANA.

AND I WANT TO STOP SMOKINGMARIJUANA.

I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY ONE DAY.

I WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN, MAN.I DREAM OF IT.

YOU CAN'T BE SOMEONE'S FATHER

AND BE ALL SMOKED UP ON THE WEEDALL THE TIME.

"DADDY, THERE'S A GHOSTUNDER MY BED."

"WELL, DON'T BRING HIM IN HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"CLOSE THE DOOR."

AND I'VE BEEN BACK IN THEUNITED STATES FOR A SHORT WHILE,

AND I'M IN CULTURE SHOCK.

THE UNITED STATES IS LIKEA FOREIGN COUNTRY TO ME NOW.

ALL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDSARE HARD-CORE CHRISTIANS,

AND THEY'RE ALL OVERWEIGHT,

AND THEY'RE ALL TRYING TO LOSEWEIGHT ON THESE LOW-CARB DIETS.

THAT'S WEIRD --CHRISTIANS NOT EATING BREAD.

AND JESUS SAID,"TAKE THIS BREAD AND EAT IT.

IT IS MY BODY."

AND THE DISCIPLES SAID, "JESUS,WE'RE ALL ON LOW-CARB DIETS."

"WE APPRECIATEYOU DYING FOR OUR SINS,

"BUT WE'RE ALL TRYING TOSLIM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

WE WANT TO LOOK GOODIN THE PAINTING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

TECHNOLOGY'SSO MUCH MORE AMAZING NOW.

A FRIEND OF MINEHAS A CAMERA PHONE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE THINGS?THEY'RE INCREDIBLE.

AND HE'S SHOWING MEON HIS CAMERA PHONE,

HE'S GOT PICTURESOF HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HE'S GOT CLOSE-UPS OF HER COOKIE

AND PICTURES OF HER DOINGNEFARIOUS ACTIVITIES TO HIM.

AND I'M LOOKING AT THIS,AND I'M THINKING,

"WOW, YOU CAN DOSO MANY THINGS WITH THOSE.

I'VE GOT TO GET A GIRLFRIEND."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT AN ENTERTAINMENT PACKAGETHEY ARE."

HEY, I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS,

BECAUSE THIS JUST HAPPENED TO MEA FEW MONTHS AGO.

I HAD LUNCHWITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

DO NOT STAY FRIENDSWITH YOUR EXES.

[ SCATTERED CHEERS ]

IT'S TOO PAINFUL, MAN.

I HAD LUNCHWITH MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

SHE WAS SEVEN MONTHS' PREGNANTAND MARRIED TO SOME DUDE.

SHE'S LIKE, "I'M HAVING A BABY."

I'M LIKE, "I GOT AN iPod."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"SOMETIMES,I TAKE MY iPod TO THE PARK,

"AND I'LL SWING ITON THE SWINGS.

"I'LL SLIDE IT DOWN THE SLIDE.

HOW MANY SONGSDOES YOUR BABY KNOW?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MY iPod HOLDS 8,000 SONGS.

CAN YOUR BABY SHUFFLE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY.

I'VE HAD BAD LUCKWITH THE GIRLFRIENDS.

MY LAST SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND,

I DATED THIS GIRLBEFORE I LEFT HOLLAND,

AND SHE WAS MOROCCAN.

SHE WAS MUSLIM,AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER, MAN.

AND IT WAS SCREWED UP

BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T TELLHER FAMILY ABOUT ME

BECAUSE I'M A NON-MUSLIM.

AND ON TOP OF THAT,I'M A WHITE AMERICAN,

WHICH IS REALLY UNPOPULAR

WITH EUROPEAN ARABIC PEOPLEFOR SOME REASON.

AND THEN WE HAD TO BREAK UP

BECAUSE I WAS NEVER GONNACONVERT TO ISLAM.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW NOTHINGABOUT MACHINE GUNS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

HOW AM I GONNA BE MUSLIM?SKI MASKS MAKE MY FACE ITCHY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO BOOZE, NO PORK --THAT'S A HARD PROGRAM, MAN.

I COULD GIVE UP BOOZE.

I DON'T THINK I COULD EVERGIVE UP BARBECUED PORK.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I THINK THAT WAS THE PROBLEMBACK IN BIBLICAL TIMES --

THEY JUST DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO DO THE SAUCE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YES.

I LOVE THE PIG!

I AM PORK-DEPENDENT.

I WAS EATING BARBECUED PORK RIBSTHE OTHER DAY,

AND THEY WERE SO GOOD, MAN,AND THE SAUCE WAS ORGASMIC.

AND THE THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME,

"HOW COME NO ONEHAS EVER COME OUT

WITH A BARBECUE-SAUCE-FLAVOREDLUBRICANT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WITH ALL THE FAT PEOPLEIN THIS COUNTRY, MAN,

THAT'D BE A MILLION SELLER.

MMM-MMM! MMM!

I'M LOOKING FOR INVESTORS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS ON A DATE WITH A GIRL.

IT COULD NOTHAVE BEEN GOING BETTER,

AND I THREW OUTTHE WRONG QUESTION.

I WAS LIKE,"HEY, WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU?"

WHOLE MOOD CHANGED. SHE GOES,"I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

I'M AN ATHEIST."

I COULD NEVER MAKE LOVE

TO A GIRLWHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD.

WHO DO THEY YELL OUT FOR?

"OH, DARWIN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

"DARWIN!

"OH, EVOLUTION OF MAN!

"EVOLUTION OF MAN!

"OH, AMOEBA TO MONKEY!

AMOEBA TO MONKEY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS MAKES UP FORA LOT OF BAD GIGS I'VE DONE.

I WAS IN WICHITA, KANSAS.

I AIN'T BRAGGING.[ LAUGHTER ]

CLUB OWNER COMES UP TO MEAFTER THE SHOW,

AND HE GOES,"HEY, DON'T SAY [BLEEP] HERE.

IF BILL COSBY WAS HERE,HE WOULDN'T SAY [BLEEP]"

I SAID, "IF BILL COSBYWAS IN WICHITA, KANSAS,

MAKING THE MONEY I'M MAKING,HE'D SAY [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS IN KANSAS.THEY HAD ALL THESE TORNADOES.

JUST WIPED OUTALL THESE MOBILE-HOME VILLAGES.

WHEN ARE PEOPLE GONNA STOPMAKING MOBILE HOMES?

I MEAN, THE SMARTEST PIGLIVED IN A BRICK HOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S AS SIMPLEAS A CHILDREN'S STORY.

MAN, I'M SADTHE OLYMPICS ARE OVER.

I MISS THEM. I REALLY GOTINTO THE OLYMPICS, MAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY FAVORITE OLYMPIC SPORTIS BOXING.

I ACTUALLY BOXED ONCEWHEN I WAS 13.

I HAD ONE FIGHT.

I CAME IN SECOND.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE BELL RANG,

A DUDE CAME OUTAND PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD.

I THOUGHT, "DAMN,I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A GUITAR."

BUT THE SCREWED-UP THING --

MY DAD VIDEOTAPEDTHE WHOLE THING, MAN.

WHENEVER I GO HOME TO VISIT,

MY DAD STILL PULLS OUTTHIS VIDEOTAPE.

"HEY, MR. LAUGHTER,YOU WANT TO SEE SOME COMEDY?

"COME HERE.SIT YOUR ASS DOWN RIGHT HERE.

"WATCH THIS.I'M GONNA REWIND THIS PART.

"LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT THAT.

"THAT'S YOUR BLOOD GOING FROMTHE FLOOR BACK ONTO YOUR FACE!

WHOO!"[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I WAS ACTUALLY IN BEIJINGA FEW YEARS AGO.

IT'S A MAGNIFICENT CITY.

BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT,I'M AFRAID OF CHINESE PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW

"CROUCHING TIGER,HIDDEN DRAGON"...

OR THE CLOSING CEREMONIESOF THE BEIJING OLYMPICS.

CHINESE PEOPLE CAN FLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IF THERE'S ANYCHINESE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT,

ALL I ASK IS PLEASE...

STAY IN YOUR SEATS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

Loading...