Monday, January 11, 2016

  • 01/11/2016

Jackie Kashian, Pete Holmes and Brett Gelman deliver lines from bad commercials, #InternetABook and come up with weird awards show presenter pairings.

And now let's startthis madness.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh

with a new graphic.

-(applause and cheering)-(whooshing)

Here are some of today'stop trending topics

from around the Worldwide Web.

Uh, we have Peach,R.I.P. David Bowie,

#VikingsHadMelike,Sean and Chapo, BFF,

militia wish list,sWoozZie helps Obama,

and do not click on this.

Let's see how many of these wecan get through in Rapid Refresh

starting with legendary artist,rocker movie star,

pop star, style icon,sex symbol.

David Bowie passed awaylast night at the age of 69.

It's very weird.

You know, there are certainpeople in the world...

Same thing happenedwhen Robin Williams passed away

where you're like, "No, they'reimmortal. They can't."

You know? So it's very sad

to see such a brilliant man whocompletely changed the world.

Social media exploded.

And also, huge condolencesto Duncan Jones, his son, who's

a very sweet man,and to the entire family.

Social media explodedwith Bowie tributes.

Like this GIF, proving thathe's the only man in the world

who can make this look coolas (bleep). Uh...

-KASHIAN: Yeah.-It doesn't...

-(laughter)-I can't. It's impossible.

I'm gonna get hurtif I do it.

-HOLMES: He's challenging youto a dual. -Yeah.

-That's what that is. -HARDWICK:I would lost. I already lost.

Yeah.

Bowie was one of the coolesthumans ever to walk the earth,

but nowhe's in some other place.

So, comedians, as God, pleasewelcome David Bowie to heaven.

-Jackie. -Holy (bleep),it's David Bowie. Holy (bleep),

it's David Bowie. Jesus, take apicture of me with David Bowie.

Take a picture of me with...David...

-(applause and cheering)-Come on, Dad! Dad!

Dad! Shut up, Dad.

Pete.

So, David Bowie, you know,comes up, and here I'm God.

And God says, uh,"Everything up here is (bleep).

-(laughter and groaning)-Nice.

-KASHIAN: Yes!-(applause) -And then...

And then David Bowie says,"I'm David (bleep) Bowie.

"Everything on Earthwas (bleep).

What's the difference?"

-Points.-(applause and cheering)

The Minnesota Vikings saw theirplay-off hopes dashed yesterday

when their kicker misseda field goal

-that even I could have made.-KASHIAN: Yeah.

Uh, naturally, fans freaked outall over the Internet.

Like this sad horn headright here.

Comedians,how does this video end?

Will he do a sweetroundhouse kick to the TV,

or crumple into a pathetic pileon the floor?

Pete Holmes.

He does the roundhouse, misses,

crumples into a pathetic pileon the floor.

HARDWICK:It doesn't really...

You got to pick one.

HOLMES:Uh, Chris, that's my answer.

-Go to hell.-HARDWICK: All right.

Let's find out.

(laughter)

You (bleep) piece of (bleep).

HARDWICK:Aw.

-(audience sighing)-KASHIAN: Aw.

-GELMAN: Love that... I lovethat dog. -KASHIAN: That god.

Now, you think that's sweet.The dog's just going,

"Oh, do I get to eat him now?"

Like the dog's, uh...

-All right, moving on. -KASHIAN:I'm gonna give you this one.

After his final Stateof the Union address tomorrow,

President Obama'sdoing interviews

with three YouTube stars.

They have combined12.1 million followers,

compared to the White House'smeasly 630,000.

Most of those just subscribeto watch Joe Biden's

Hotboxing the Oval Office tutorial video.

So, comedians,what's a viral video

Obama can release to help boosthis YouTube subscribers?

Brett Gelman.

Presidential pizza puppy party

with extra Michelle,hold the Trump.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.Points. -Oh. -(applause)

Up next, up next.

DO NOT CLICK ON THIS.

I probably shouldn'tclick on that, right?

-I wouldn't click on that.-Aw.

(laughter)

Oh, no!

-(loud groaning)-Oh! No!

Oh, wait a minute, though.

See, I see moviesthat I care about

in a respectful amount of time,so, (bleep) you, if you haven't.

-Uh...-(applause and cheering)

I mean... several weeks now.

Several weeks now.

This image from Junkyard Specialwas on Reddit today.

Uh, goddamn righthe has tinted windows.

With (bleep) like thatback there,

clearly, this Nerf herder getsa kick out of being an A-hole.

So what's another bumper stickeryou might find on his car?

-Pete Holmes.-Make America great again.

(laughter, applause)

Points.

Brett Gelman.

Douchebag onboard.

-All right. Points.-(laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's Hashtag Wars.

(cheers and applause)

Happy birthday to Amazon CEO

and Lex Luthor cosplay championJeff Bezos.

-Uh...-(cheers and applause)

Seen here forming a plotto sink California into the sea

so that Nevada will beall beachfront property!

So in honor of the manwho Internetted books,

tonight's hashtagis InternetABook.

Examples might be--Of Myspace and Men,

or Charlotte's Web Site,

or Moby Dick Pic.

Let's put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

Jackie Kashian.

Harry Potterand the University of Phoenix.

-Points.-(laughter, applause, cheering)

That feather is in his wand.

-Brett.-A Streetcar Named Dot Com.

All right, points.

Pete Holmes.

Log Off, Moon.

Points. Nice!

-Peter.-To Kill a Twitter Bird.

Points. Jackie.

50 Hex Codes of Gray.

Yes! Genius!

Uh, Gelman.

Uh, The Top Ten Commandmentsof the Bible.

You Won't Believe Number Four.

(laughter)

(applause)

It's time to playCommercial Failure.

Commercial Failure.

(cheers and applause)

The Internet and commercialshave a symbiotic relationship.

For instance, a commercialinspired one Internet pervert

to draw this sexyCap'n Crunch fan art.

Yeah!

I think that looks morelike Rear Admiral Crunch.

Uh...

It looks like he'sabout to release the Soggies.

(laughter)

I can't believeyou remember the Soggies.

-That makes me so happy.-Comedians, I'm gonna show...

I'm gonna show youa gem we found

on the subredditr/Awful Commercials,

and for 250 points,I want you to tell me

what the next line is.First up--

Crazy Bruce's Liquors!

(to "Beer Barrel Polka"):♪ Crazy Bruce's Liquors

♪ We've gotthe bargains for you ♪

♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo!

♪ Zinfandel and Cabernet

♪ Red Merlot and Chardonnay

♪ Crazy Bruce's Liquor Store

♪ Whoo, whoo!

-Pete Holmes.-Crazy doesn't refer

to his prices, but the factthat he saves all his poop.

-(laughter)-Yeah. Points.

Whoo! Whoo!

I'm making it right now!Whoo-whoo!

Points. Brett Gelman.

Whoo! Whoo!

My name is Crazy Bruce,and I'm an alcoholic.

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

Points.

Next up, this vintage commercialfor Baby Laugh A-Lot.

MAN: She's the funniest dollyou've ever seen!

(man cackling)

Just push the button,and she starts to giggle.

(doll giggling)

(cackling):Baby Laugh A-Lot by Remco!

KASHIAN:Bit freaky.

(Hardwick groans)

That belongs in the Warrens',like, demon closet.

-(laughter)-Pete.

If you hold her hand,she shows you how you die.

-(laughter)-Points.

(applause)

Points. Brett Gelman.

Kill and (bleep) your parentsin the name of the dark lord.

(laughter, applause)

Next one.

This formal wear storefor all your school dance needs.

MAN: ♪ Prom, pr-pr-prompr-pr-pr-prom ♪

WOMAN: Short and sassy!

Long and elegant.

The Bridal Shop II-- your 1996 prom headquarters.

119 Broadway, Downtown Fargo.

HARDWICK: I told younot to bring your mom!

Why'd you haveto bring your mom?!

(laughter)

-No, the mom's... -Jackie.-Yeah, accidentally conceive

your first child in style.

-(laughter, applause)-Points. Points.

KASHIAN:1996 style.

Pete.

Short and sassy,long and elegant,

semen resistant.

(laughter)

(applause)

HARDWICK:Is that what that looks like?

I'm so glad.Thank you for the demonstration.

-That's what it looks like.-Yeah. It bounces off.

-Points. Brett.-Look your best

on the greatest nightof your mediocre life.

-(laughter)-KASHIAN: Oh, my God! -Points.

Somebody didn't go to prom.

I'm really losing.

It's right there in downtownFargo, don't you know.

KASHIAN: Oh, cripes.It's nice up there.

This is the worst thingI've ever seen happen in Fargo.

(laughter)

Including fictional.

It's a liewhen they say it's true.

HARDWICK:Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Next up,this commercial for...

this commercialfor Pure Spring's Ginger Ale.

♪ Clear as crystal,sparkling clean ♪

♪ Just take one sip

♪ You'll see what we mean

♪ Pure Spring's the onewith the ginger snap ♪

♪ Great taste is a snap.

Brett.

One of us is notwho we claim to be.

(laughter, applause)

Points.

Lastly this Bible classic,a local commercial

by which all otherlocal commercials are judged.

Divine Rags!

Do you shop at Divine Rags?

Maybe you, too,might fascinate me.

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(laughter)

I don't knowwhat they're selling.

Jackie.

Visit us at the United Nations(bleep) parlor.

-(laughter)-Points.

KASHIAN:What the hell is that!

HARDWICK:I knew there was one of those.

-Oh. Oh, yeah. -Dresslike the Nigerian princess

you've read aboutin your spam.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

Before the break

we Googled all your names,plus the phla... the phrase

"glamour shots", and we're gonnashow you what-what came up

and you're gonna have to give usthat person's Tinder bio.

First up, Jackie Kashian.

On our date, please bringwhite wine, condoms

and 30 cases of tuna.

All right.

Pussy, pussy, pussy,pussy, pussy.

This cat so does notwant to be there.

This one's very surprisedat something.

What if it... what if it was"30 cases of tuna

and somethingfor the cats to eat"?

Pete Holmes.

-There I am.-Oh,

there you are, Pete.

Yeah. AK-47 plus Colt 45

equals 69 every time.

All right.

And finally...

this is, uh, Brett Gelman.

There it is.

Brett.

Just Hasidic enough.

All right.

As we go to our next game,Chemistry Experiments.

Chemistry Experiments.

You know, one of the...one of the weirdest parts

of any award showsis the bizarre pairings

of the celebrity presenters.For-for example, last night

at the Golden Globes,which somehow was convinced

that The Martian is a comedy.It's not really a comedy,

but (bleep) it, we gotMatt Damon on the show.

Uh, they forced Ricky Gervaisand Mel Gibson

to share the stage, I guess'cause of their mutual interest

in public intoxication.Needless to say, these two

had worse chemistries thana Me-Mexican meth lab, so...

If that wasn't awkward enough,they also had Magic Mike present

with the bearwho raped Leonardo DiCaprio.

So comedians,as an award show announcer,

I would like youto announce weirder couplings

who should give awardsat the next Golden Globes

in 60 seconds, and begin.

Jackie.

Uh, please welcomeSean Penn and El Chapo.

All right, points.

That's real,that really happened!

Pete Holmes.

Please welcome,from Tony! Toni! Toné!,

Tony and Toni.Toné couldn't make it.

Points. Genius.

Thank you for makinga Tony! Toni! Toné! reference.

See, they all spellthe "Tony" differently,

that's how it works.Points. Jackie.

Uh, please welcome Donald Trumpand a copy of the Koran.

Points.

Brett.

Please welcome Bill Cosbyand his wife Camille.

All right, points.

Pete Holmes.

Please welcome Paula Deenand DMX.

Yeah. Points. Pete Holmes.

Please welcome Chris Hardwickand a BB-8 that he's (bleep).

-Yes! So, BB-8.-(buzzer sounds)

I could get that.

I could totally get that.

-Huh. A moment.-♪ I'm waiting -You know,

sometimes you just... you justgot a chemistry with someone.

-You know? I'm... What?-WOMAN: Oh, my God.

Somebody's really getting offon you (bleep) a BB-8 out there.

Oh, sorry,that's also a spoiler.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's, uh...

uh... BB-8 out, uh, by me.

-By me.-Oh, nice.