Nash, Mike B., Pearlman, Szpak

  • 12/24/2000

YEAH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

PLEASE SAY HELLO TO TUULI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SWEET TUULI.

WHAT A TREAT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE LIKE ME

THAT CAN'T AFFORD LASER EYE

SURGERY?

(APPLAUSE)

SO YOU GOT TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT

AND WAIT FOR OLD "STAR TREK"

RERUNS TO COME ON TV.

YOU GOT TO WAIT FOR THAT SCENE

WHERE THE ENTERPRISE STARTS

SHOOTING THE LASER BEAMS AND YOU

GOT TO RUN UP AND PRESS YOUR

EYES AGAINST THE TV.

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE,

MAN.

THAT'S ONE OF THE TOUGH THINGS

ABOUT COMEDY, MAN, DOING

STAND-UP.

YOU ALWAYS GOT TO STAY AHEAD OF

THE CURVE, ALWAYS BE THAT

COMEDIAN OF THE FUTURE.

WELL, TONIGHT I WANT TO DO A

JOKE THAT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR YOU

PEOPLE, BUT FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S

CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.

I WANT TO DO A JOKE SO THAT WHEN

THEY FLICK ON THIS SHOW SOMETIME

IN 2050, THERE'S A LITTLE TREAT

WAITING FOR 'EM.

(LAUGHTER)

(MAKING ALIEN NOISES)

(LAUGHTER)

DUSTIN HOFFMAN...

(NOISES CONTINUES)

YEAST INFECTION...

(LAUGHTER)

(SQUEAKING)

ONION RINGS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

>> DAVID: YEAH!

HELLO!

"AWWW!" IS RIGHT.

I AM-- OKAY.

EASY NOW.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE IN

LOS ANGELES.

THIS IS GREAT.

YEAH.

MY DAD IS VERY NERVOUS ABOUT ME

BEING HERE.

HE'S ONE OF THESE OVERBEARING

DADS.

YOU KNOW?

YOU HAVE THESE?

THEY'RE WELL-INTENTIONED

BUT THEY MISS IT, SORT OF.

GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I'VE BEEN LIVING IN NEW YORK

CITY NOW FOR FOUR YEARS.

TO THIS DAY EVERY TIME A CRIME

IN NEW YORK MAKES NEWS AT HOME,

MY DAD CALLS.

HE CALLED ME LAST WEEK.

"THIS OLD WOMAN WAS BEATEN

AND MUGGED.

ARE YOU OKAY?"

(LAUGHTER)

"NO, DAD.

THEY GOT MY WALKER."

I GOT MARRIED THIS YEAR,

WAS MY BIG NEWS.

AND IT'S AMAZING.

YEAH.

DON'T APPLAUD.

DON'T-- WELL, ALL RIGHT.

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

IF YOU KNEW ME, YOU'D APPLAUD

EVEN LOUDER, 'CAUSE I WAS AN

AWKWARD BACHELOR.

WHENEVER I WAS IN A DATING

SITUATION, I WOULD SAY THE WRONG

THING.

EVEN WHEN I MET MY WIFE.

SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SHE GOES,

"I THINK YOU'RE CUTE.

I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU

MORE."

THIS WAS MY REACTION:

"UH, UM, I LIKE POP TARTS."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE TRIED TO KEEP IT SEXY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF

POP TARTS DO YOU LIKE?"

SO I COULD BE LIKE,

"WHATEVER KIND YOU LIKE."

BUT I WAS LIKE, "BLUEBERRY."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M ALWAYS JEALOUS OF THE SMOOTH

GUYS.

SMOOTH GUYS CAN MAKE ANY LINE

SEXY.

YOU KNOW?

YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT KIND OF

POP TARTS DO YOU LIKE?"

A SMOOTH GUY WOULD BE LIKE,

"WHATEVER KIND FIT YOUR

TOASTER."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW THE SMOOTH GUY; RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THAT GUY.

(APPLAUSE)

I CALL HIM THE "NEXT THING

YOU KNOW" GUY.

MY FRIEND CARL'S THE "NEXT THING

YOU KNOW GUY" 'CAUSE HE'S GOT

THESE AMAZING SEX STORIES.

AND THEY ALWAYS INVOLVE THE

EXPRESSION, "NEXT THING YOU

KNOW."

YOU COULD ASK THE MOST INNOCENT

QUESTION, LIKE "HEY, WHAT

HAPPENED WHEN I WAS OUT OF

TOWN?"

"WENT OVER TO KIMBERLY'S HOUSE.

THEN I WENT OVER TO CATHY'S.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL

NAKED."

"WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NEXT THING YOU

KNOW?"

THERE'S GOT TO BE AN IN-BETWEEN

STEP; RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T JUST GET THERE LIKE,

"HI!"

(LAUGHTER)

I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD HAVE TO

AT LEAST SUGGEST ANOTHER IDEA,

EVEN IF IT'S A THROWAWAY.

YOU GOT TO BE LIKE, "HEY, YOU

WANT TO SEE A MOVIE?

NO?

DO YOU WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I COULD NEVER BE A "NEXT THING

YOU KNOW" GUY.

I'M LIKE A "NEEDLESS TO SAY"

GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

I'D BE LIKE, "MET THIS WOMAN

IN A BAR.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, NOTHING

HAPPENED."

(APPLAUSE)

"I WAS HOME BY 11:00."

I'M AWKWARD.

THEY TOOK ME TO A STRIP CLUB

FOR MY BACHELOR PARTY.

I DID NOT DO WELL IN THE STRIP

CLUB.

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF TALKING

TO THE LADIES.

I WAS LIKE, "IS THIS WHAT YOU

REALLY WANT TO BE DOING?"

(SOUND EFFECT)

I DON'T GET STRIP CLUBS.

I'M NOT GOING EVER AGAIN.

GUYS, YOU CAN GO.

I'M NOT GOING WITH YOU.

I DON'T GET IT.

'CAUSE, GUYS, WE GO TO STRIP

CLUBS WITH OTHER GUYS.

WHAT?

IT'S LIKE, "STEVE, I'M GONNA BE

REALLY AROUSED.

I'D LIKE YOU WITH ME."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO I'M MARRIED NOW.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 MONTHS.

I THOUGHT WHEN I GOT MARRIED,

FINALLY I'D CALL THE SHOTS.

(LAUGHTER)

NEEDLESS TO SAY, NOTHING

HAPPENED.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IF YOU GET MARRIED, IF YOU LIVE

WITH SOMEONE, DON'T BOTH BE ON

THE SAME ANSWERING MACHINE

MESSAGE.

YOU EVER HEAR THOSE COUPLES?

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

"THIS IS BRAD."

"AND THIS IS SARA."

LIKE THEY REHEARSED IT.

"AND WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE

RIGHT NOW!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY.

FORGET I CALLED."

MY WIFE, WHEN WE MOVED IN

TOGETHER, CHANGED OUR MESSAGE

TO BE ONE OF THESE MESSAGES

WHERE YOU'RE PRETENDING TO

ANSWER THE PHONE.

YEAH.

PEOPLE WHO DO THIS THINK YOU'RE

THE FIRST ONE IN THE WORLD TO

EVER THINK OF THIS IDEA.

YOU KNOW THE MESSAGE, LIKE,

"HELLO!

HA-HA-HA.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

CAN YOU SPEAK UP?"

(LAUGHING)

THE ONLY ONE WHO FELL FOR IT WAS

MY DAD.

I CAME HOME.

(BEEP) "I'M TALKING AS LOUD AS

I CAN!"

Y'ALL WERE A LOT OF FUN.

I'M DAVID J. NASH.

♪ (BAND PLAYING)

(C

>> MIKE: HEY, HEY.

I GUESS THAT'S CLOSE TO HIP HOP.

THAT'S AS CLOSE AS I'M GONNA

GET.

Y'ALL LIKE TO DANCE?

YEAH?

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW THE OTHER

DAY THAT WAS GOOD, BUT IT KIND

OF SCARED ME AT THE SAME TIME?

"RIVER DANCE."

YOU EVER SEEN THE "RIVER DANCE"?

YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

THAT'S SCARY.

I SAY, "WHITE PEOPLE, YOU ALMOST

GOT IT.

BOY, YOU ALMOST GOT IT."

TOOK YOU 2000 YEARS TO GET THIS

PART MOVING RIGHT.

HOW Y'ALL MOVE THE BOTTOM

BUT DON'T MOVE THE TOP?

NONE OF THAT.

I LIKE THAT TYPE OF STYLE

'CAUSE I'M SILLY.

YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA GO TO A CLUB AND DO

THAT.

YOU KNOW, CAUSE NO FEMALE--

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE EXPECTING

THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA BE

EXPECTING SOMETHING REGULAR.

BUT I'M NOT A REGULAR TYPE OF

PERSON.

I'M JUST GONNA WALK UP TO YOU

LIKE, "HEY, YOU WANT TO DANCE?

HUH?

YEAH?

(LAUGHTER)

WHERE YOU GOING?

WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING UP

IN HERE.

YEAH.

I WAS WATCHING THE OLYMPICS.

IT WAS BORING.

BUT, YOU KNOW, ONE THING

I NOTICED THAT-- Y'ALL, ITALY

DON'T WIN A LOT OF MEDALS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND, 'CAUSE

ITALIANS ARE VERY, YOU KNOW,

PERSUASIVE PEOPLE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY

DIDN'T WIN MORE MEDALS.

I CAN SEE, LIKE, THE ITALIAN

RUNNER, YOU KNOW, COME UP AND

START INTIMIDATING THE OTHER

RUNNERS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ON THE TRACK

GETTING READY, AND THE ITALIAN

RUNNER JUST COME OVER AND BE

LIKE, "HEY, LISTEN.

MAYBE YOU DON'T RUN SO FAST THIS

TIME, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

HUH?

HEY, MISTAKES HAPPEN, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE INSTEAD OF POW, THE GUN

GOES POW, RIGHT THROUGH YOUR

FRIGGING NECK.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU

SOMETHING TO DO."

ONE THING I DID NOTICE, THOUGH,

I'LL TELL YOU.

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU ARE THE ONLY

PEOPLE THAT EVER SEE ALIENS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M TELLING YOU.

IT'S TRUE.

I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING ABOUT

SIGHTINGS.

YOU NEVER SEE BLACKS AND

HISPANICS ON SIGHTINGS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY YOU DON'T

SEE US ON IT.

'CAUSE WE MIND OUR DAMN

BUSINESS.

THAT'S WHY.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

WE MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.

WHITE PEOPLE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Y'ALL.

Y'ALL INCLUDE YOURSELVES

IN THINGS THAT DON'T GOT NOTHING

TO DO WITH YOU.

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL GET ABDUCTED.

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL GET IN TROUBLE.

YEAH.

RIGHT?

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THE TWO

FAMILIES; ALL RIGHT?

SO I'LL SHOW YOU IT'S NOT

RACISM.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE TWO FAMILIES

SEEING THE UFO.

THIS IS US SEEING A UFO.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT IS IT, BOO?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

YOU SEE ME LOOKING."

"IT'S A BIG-ASS LIGHT COMING

FROM THE SKY.

YO, WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE WHAT IT

IS?"

"WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE WHAT IT

IS?

(BLEEP), I GOT WARRANTS.

THAT MIGHT BE A HELICOPTER OR

SOMETHING FLYING OVER THE HOUSE.

YOU TRYING TO SET ME UP?

YOU GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK.

YOU GO OUTSIDE."

NOT Y'ALL.

Y'ALL THINK EVERYBODY'S

FRIENDLY.

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL GET IN TROUBLE.

THIS IS Y'ALL SEEING THE SAME

UFO WE JUST SAW.

THIS IS Y'ALL.

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS INCREDIBLE!"

"WHAT IS IT, HONEY?"

"COME HERE.

COME HERE.

LOOK.

THERE'S A HUGE LIGHT

ILLUMINATING FROM THE SKY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE WHAT IT

IS?"

"I THINK I WILL.

GIVE ME MY CAMERA.

QUICK."

AS SOON AS YOU GET OUTSIDE,

WHAT HAPPENED?

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE'D BE RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, "THEY JUST TOOK

BOB.

THEY JUST TOOK BOB."

"WHY'D HE GO OUTSIDE FOR?"

ONE THING I NOTICED, THOUGH.

I NOTICED, THOUGH, Y'ALL PUT A

LOT OF STUFF ON MY PEOPLE.

WHY ALL THE DISEASES SEEM

TO COME FROM, LIKE, AFRICA OR

SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT?

YEAH, BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED THAT?

LIKE IN NEW YORK, THE LAST TWO

SUMMERS WE HAD THE WEST NILE

VIRUS.

I WAS LIKE, "NOW, WAIT A

MINUTE."

THESE MOSQUITOES FLEW FROM EGYPT

ALL THE WAY TO CENTRAL PARK IN

NEW YORK?

THAT'S A HELL OF A LONG FLIGHT

FOR SOME MOSQUITOES, Y'ALL.

AND REMEMBER YEARS AGO THEY SAID

AIDS CAME FROM AFRICA?

REMEMBER THAT?

THE AFRICAN GREEN MONKEY?

REMEMBER THAT?

NOW, I WATCH A LOT OF

"WILD DISCOVERY."

AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN A GREEN

MONKEY ON NONE OF THOSE SHOWS.

EVEN THE AFRICAN PEOPLE WAS

LIKE, "WHAT GREEN MONKEY ARE

THEY TALKING ABOUT?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"THERE'S NO GREEN MONKEY AROUND

HERE."

MY NAME IS MIKE B.

I'M GONNA SAY GOOD NIGHT.

♪ (BAND PLAYING)

>> DINA: HOW YOU DOING,

EVERYBODY?

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT

ABOUT MYSELF.

I THINK I HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF MY

APARTMENT BUILDING BECAUSE ONE

OF THE OTHER TENANTS IS REALLY

GETTING ON MY NERVES.

I THINK HE MIGHT BE ISRAELI.

I'M NOT SURE.

HIS NAME IS...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

NOW, UM, YOU KNOW, THE THING

THAT HE DOES THAT'S BEEN DRIVING

ME CRAZY IS EVERY TIME HE SEES

ME LEAVE THE BUILDING OR ENTER

THE BUILDING, HE STANDS THERE,

LEANING AGAINST HIS CAR GOING,

"LOOK WHO IS HERE, HUH?

IT IS DINA, BEAUTIFUL DINA.

AH, YOU WEARING A SKIRT.

I GET TO SEE YOUR LEGS."

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT IS HE

STIMULATING HERE?

I NEVER DATED THIS GUY, BUT I

WAS VERY TEMPTED BECAUSE FOR

MANY YEARS I WAS VERY LONELY,

YOU KNOW.

I DATED A LOT OF VERY

INAPPROPRIATE MEN, MEN WHO WERE

MUCH TOO OLD FOR ME, YOU KNOW,

LIKE CELINE DION'S HUSBAND--

OLD, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

IS IT JUST ME OR DOES HE LOOK

LIKE A SNOWMAN?

(LAUGHTER)

AND, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT

WOULD BE SO EASY TO MEET GUYS

WHEN I GOT OUT OF COLLEGE,

BECAUSE IT WAS VERY EASY TO MEET

GUYS IN COLLEGE.

I MEAN, THIS WAS REALLY ALL YOU

HAD TO DO TO MEET SOME GUY IN

COLLEGE.

"OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

I AM SO WASTED!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT WAS IT.

THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.

BUT, ANYWAY, I'M GONNA GO HOME

AND I'M GONNA PUT ON THE

AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSICS BECAUSE,

UH, I'M FASCINATED WITH THE WAY

PEOPLE SPOKE ON THE 1940s.

VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE WAY WE

SPEAK TODAY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE TODAY YOU'D SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "LET'S GO TO A COMEDY

SHOW."

BUT BACK THEN YOU WOULDN'T DO

THAT.

YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"SAY, KIDS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT FOR A

NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN?"

YOU SEE?

A WHOLE DIFFERENT WAY OF

SPEAKING.

OR, LIKE, IF YOU WERE GONNA

FLIRT WITH A GUY, YOU WOULDN'T

JUST WALK UP TO SOME GUY AND BE

LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?"

I'VE BEEN MARRIED A LONG TIME.

UM, YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"HOW DO YOU DO, BOYS?

MY NAME IS POLLY MALLOY.

WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE A RIDE IN AN AUTOMOBILE

AND A SARSAPARILLA SODA JUST

FINE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND GUYS REALLY DUG THAT,

YOU KNOW?

OR LIKE--

I-- I USED TO MYSELF, LIKE WHEN

I GET ANNOYED WITH MY HUSBAND.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T JUST STAND

THERE, YOU KNOW, "WHY DIDN'T YOU

COME HOME WHEN YOU SAID--"

YOU KNOW, I'LL SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,

MR. MAN-ABOUT-TOWN,

MR. JOHNNY-COME-LATELY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT

IT IS YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE,

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL TELL

YOU THIS, BIG FELLA.

I DON'T LIKE IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'VE BEEN A VERY NICE CROWD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ (BAND PLAYING)

>> ANTHONY: WOW.

UCLA.

UNBELIEVABLE.

AH, YOU GUYS IN A GOOD MOOD

TONIGHT?

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

I'M IN AMAZING MOOD.

I'M IN A GREAT MOOD.

I JUST DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

I ACTUALLY DROPPED OUT OF UCLA.

THIS IS WHERE I DROPPED OUT OF.

NO-- HEY, AMAZING SCHOOL.

I MEAN, JUST BEAUTIFUL CAMPUS

AND EVERYTHING.

THE FIRST TIME I WAS HERE ON

CAMPUS, ALL I WAS THINKING WAS,

"WHOO, WHOO, WHOO.

THAT'S A LOT OF ASIANS."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE EVERYWHERE.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M NOT COMPLAINING, YOU KNOW?

EVERY CLASSROOM I WALKED INTO,

ALL I WAS THINKING, "I CAN CHEAT

OFF EVERYONE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND I GOT THE BIGGEST WIENER

HERE.

SO...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANS)

CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT?

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S COOL TO BE HERE WITH ALL

THE COLLEGE KIDS.

I LOVE THE COLLEGE WOMEN HERE.

IT'S SO GREAT.

YOU GUYS ARE HOT, HOT.

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

I LOVE COLLEGE GIRLS.

THE ONLY GIRLS I DATED IN

COLLEGE, THOUGH, WERE SORORITY

GIRLS.

YEAH.

WHY?

'CAUSE THEY'RE DUMB.

OH-HO!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU CAN JUST TRICK 'EM SO--

YOU CAN TRICK 'EM SO EASY.

YOU KNOW?

"I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND."

"OH, MY GOD!

LET'S HAVE SEX."

(LAUGHTER)

I NEED TO GET LAID.

(LAUGHTER)

SEE, I NEED TO START DATING

YOUNGER GIRLS, LIKE GIRLS

MY AGE, 22, 21.

OH, MY GOD, LADIES, I'M AMAZING

IN BED WITH YOU.

YEAH.

I'M LIKE A GUY IN THE ISLANDS.

YOU KNOW?

JUAN CARLOS, THE PINEAPPLE

PICKER.

ALL I'M SAYING, LADIES,

I'M WITH YA, OKAY?

IF A GUY'S NOT DOING A GOD JOB

IN THE SACK, OOH, IT SUCKS.

YEAH.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

BUT DON'T COMPLAIN.

OKAY?

IT'S NOT GONNA HELP MATTERS.

GIVE A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT

TO YOUR GUY.

YOU KNOW, "KEEP IT UP THERE,

BUDDY."

SOMETHING.

HELP A BROTHER OUT.

NOTHING HARDER FOR A DUDE TO BE

GIVING EVERYTHING HE'S GOT,

LAYING IT ALL OUT TABLE TO HAVE

TO HEAR, "OH, MY GOD.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN

THERE?

FASTER.

SLOWER.

TO THE LEFT.

TO THE RIGHT.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU A VIRGIN?

OH, MY GOD."

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S THE DILDO.

SEE YA IN 20."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST CAN'T COMPETE WITH WHAT

HOLLYWOOD SAYS IS HOT NOW FOR

THE LADIES AND STUFF.

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND WAS TOTALLY

INTO JAMES VANDERBEAK.

WHY?

REMEMBER WHEN HOLLYWOOD-LIKE

HUNKS WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME

KIND OF LOOKS OR SOMETHING?

DID YOU SEE HIM IN "VARSITY

BLUES"?

YEAH.

DAWSON THERE IN "VAR--"

OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE.

"YEAH, MY NAME'S JONATHAN MOXON.

SOME PEOPLE CALL ME THE MOX.

MOST PEOPLE CALL ME BIG HEAD.

'CAUSE I GOT THIS BIG FREAK

WATERMELON SKULL.

PLAYING FOOTBALL FOR WEST CANON

MAY HAVE BEEN THE OPPORTUNITY OF

YOUR LIFETIME.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE.

I WANT A SMALLER HEAD."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I LOVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH

SPORTS.

I CAN'T STOP IT.

I JUST WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW?

AND IT'S FUN TO WATCH SPORTS.

I'M JUST TIRED OF ATHLETES

BRINGING UP GOD AT THE END OF

THE GAME.

YOU KNOW?

IT DOESN'T FIT, DOES IT?

THERE'S NOTHING MORE ANNOYING.

SOME BIG FREAK ON THE SCREEN

AFTER A GAME, "YEAH.

I WANT TO THANK GOD FOR HELPING

ME WIN.

HE ANSWERED ALL MY PRAYERS.

HOOBITY-DOOBITY."

WHAT?

YEAH.

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO PRAY FOR

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE

IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW, LIKE

LITERACY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪ (BAND PLAYING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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