Nash, Mike B., Pearlman, Szpak

  • Season 4, Ep 0406
  • 12/25/2000

David J. Nash describes his paranoid dad, Anthony Szpak questions the appeal of James Van Der Beek, and Mike Britt points out that only a certain group of people spot aliens.

YEAH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

PLEASE SAY HELLO TO TUULI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SWEET TUULI.

WHAT A TREAT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE LIKE ME

THAT CAN'T AFFORD LASER EYE

SURGERY?

(APPLAUSE)

SO YOU GOT TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT

AND WAIT FOR OLD "STAR TREK"

RERUNS TO COME ON TV.

YOU GOT TO WAIT FOR THAT SCENE

WHERE THE ENTERPRISE STARTS

SHOOTING THE LASER BEAMS AND YOU

GOT TO RUN UP AND PRESS YOUR

EYES AGAINST THE TV.

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FUTURE,

MAN.

THAT'S ONE OF THE TOUGH THINGS

ABOUT COMEDY, MAN, DOING

STAND-UP.

YOU ALWAYS GOT TO STAY AHEAD OF

THE CURVE, ALWAYS BE THAT

COMEDIAN OF THE FUTURE.

WELL, TONIGHT I WANT TO DO A

JOKE THAT'S NOT SO MUCH FOR YOU

PEOPLE, BUT FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S

CHILDREN'S CHILDREN.

I WANT TO DO A JOKE SO THAT WHEN

THEY FLICK ON THIS SHOW SOMETIME

IN 2050, THERE'S A LITTLE TREAT

WAITING FOR 'EM.

(LAUGHTER)

(MAKING ALIEN NOISES)

(LAUGHTER)

DUSTIN HOFFMAN...

(NOISES CONTINUES)

YEAST INFECTION...

(LAUGHTER)

(SQUEAKING)

ONION RINGS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

>> MIKE: HEY, HEY.

I GUESS THAT'S CLOSE TO HIP HOP.

THAT'S AS CLOSE AS I'M GONNA

GET.

Y'ALL LIKE TO DANCE?

YEAH?

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW THE OTHER

DAY THAT WAS GOOD, BUT IT KIND

OF SCARED ME AT THE SAME TIME?

"RIVER DANCE."

YOU EVER SEEN THE "RIVER DANCE"?

YOU EVER SEEN THAT?

THAT'S SCARY.

I SAY, "WHITE PEOPLE, YOU ALMOST

GOT IT.

BOY, YOU ALMOST GOT IT."

TOOK YOU 2000 YEARS TO GET THIS

PART MOVING RIGHT.

HOW Y'ALL MOVE THE BOTTOM

BUT DON'T MOVE THE TOP?

NONE OF THAT.

I LIKE THAT TYPE OF STYLE

'CAUSE I'M SILLY.

YOU KNOW?

I'M GONNA GO TO A CLUB AND DO

THAT.

YOU KNOW, CAUSE NO FEMALE--

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE EXPECTING

THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA BE

EXPECTING SOMETHING REGULAR.

BUT I'M NOT A REGULAR TYPE OF

PERSON.

I'M JUST GONNA WALK UP TO YOU

LIKE, "HEY, YOU WANT TO DANCE?

HUH?

YEAH?

(LAUGHTER)

WHERE YOU GOING?

WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING UP

IN HERE.

YEAH.

I WAS WATCHING THE OLYMPICS.

IT WAS BORING.

BUT, YOU KNOW, ONE THING

I NOTICED THAT-- Y'ALL, ITALY

DON'T WIN A LOT OF MEDALS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND, 'CAUSE

ITALIANS ARE VERY, YOU KNOW,

PERSUASIVE PEOPLE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY

DIDN'T WIN MORE MEDALS.

I CAN SEE, LIKE, THE ITALIAN

RUNNER, YOU KNOW, COME UP AND

START INTIMIDATING THE OTHER

RUNNERS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ON THE TRACK

GETTING READY, AND THE ITALIAN

RUNNER JUST COME OVER AND BE

LIKE, "HEY, LISTEN.

MAYBE YOU DON'T RUN SO FAST THIS

TIME, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

HUH?

HEY, MISTAKES HAPPEN, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE INSTEAD OF POW, THE GUN

GOES POW, RIGHT THROUGH YOUR

FRIGGING NECK.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU

SOMETHING TO DO."

ONE THING I DID NOTICE, THOUGH,

I'LL TELL YOU.

WHITE PEOPLE, YOU ARE THE ONLY

PEOPLE THAT EVER SEE ALIENS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M TELLING YOU.

IT'S TRUE.

I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING ABOUT

SIGHTINGS.

YOU NEVER SEE BLACKS AND

HISPANICS ON SIGHTINGS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY YOU DON'T

SEE US ON IT.

'CAUSE WE MIND OUR DAMN

BUSINESS.

THAT'S WHY.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH!

WE MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS.

WHITE PEOPLE, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Y'ALL.

Y'ALL INCLUDE YOURSELVES

IN THINGS THAT DON'T GOT NOTHING

TO DO WITH YOU.

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL GET ABDUCTED.

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL GET IN TROUBLE.

YEAH.

RIGHT?

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THE TWO

FAMILIES; ALL RIGHT?

SO I'LL SHOW YOU IT'S NOT

RACISM.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE TWO FAMILIES

SEEING THE UFO.

THIS IS US SEEING A UFO.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT IS IT, BOO?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

YOU SEE ME LOOKING."

"IT'S A BIG-ASS LIGHT COMING

FROM THE SKY.

YO, WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE WHAT IT

IS?"

"WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE WHAT IT

IS?

(BLEEP), I GOT WARRANTS.

THAT MIGHT BE A HELICOPTER OR

SOMETHING FLYING OVER THE HOUSE.

YOU TRYING TO SET ME UP?

YOU GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK.

YOU GO OUTSIDE."

NOT Y'ALL.

Y'ALL THINK EVERYBODY'S

FRIENDLY.

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL GET IN TROUBLE.

THIS IS Y'ALL SEEING THE SAME

UFO WE JUST SAW.

THIS IS Y'ALL.

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS INCREDIBLE!"

"WHAT IS IT, HONEY?"

"COME HERE.

COME HERE.

LOOK.

THERE'S A HUGE LIGHT

ILLUMINATING FROM THE SKY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE WHAT IT

IS?"

"I THINK I WILL.

GIVE ME MY CAMERA.

QUICK."

AS SOON AS YOU GET OUTSIDE,

WHAT HAPPENED?

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE'D BE RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, "THEY JUST TOOK

BOB.

THEY JUST TOOK BOB."

"WHY'D HE GO OUTSIDE FOR?"

ONE THING I NOTICED, THOUGH.

I NOTICED, THOUGH, Y'ALL PUT A

LOT OF STUFF ON MY PEOPLE.

WHY ALL THE DISEASES SEEM

TO COME FROM, LIKE, AFRICA OR

SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT?

YEAH, BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED THAT?

LIKE IN NEW YORK, THE LAST TWO

SUMMERS WE HAD THE WEST NILE

VIRUS.

I WAS LIKE, "NOW, WAIT A

MINUTE."

THESE MOSQUITOES FLEW FROM EGYPT

ALL THE WAY TO CENTRAL PARK IN

NEW YORK?

THAT'S A HELL OF A LONG FLIGHT

FOR SOME MOSQUITOES, Y'ALL.

AND REMEMBER YEARS AGO THEY SAID

AIDS CAME FROM AFRICA?

REMEMBER THAT?

THE AFRICAN GREEN MONKEY?

REMEMBER THAT?

NOW, I WATCH A LOT OF

"WILD DISCOVERY."

AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN A GREEN

MONKEY ON NONE OF THOSE SHOWS.

EVEN THE AFRICAN PEOPLE WAS

LIKE, "WHAT GREEN MONKEY ARE

THEY TALKING ABOUT?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"THERE'S NO GREEN MONKEY AROUND

HERE."

MY NAME IS MIKE B.

I'M GONNA SAY GOOD NIGHT.

♪ (BAND PLAYING)

>> DINA: HOW YOU DOING,

EVERYBODY?

(AUDIENCE YELLING)

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT

ABOUT MYSELF.

I THINK I HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF MY

APARTMENT BUILDING BECAUSE ONE

OF THE OTHER TENANTS IS REALLY

GETTING ON MY NERVES.

I THINK HE MIGHT BE ISRAELI.

I'M NOT SURE.

HIS NAME IS...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

NOW, UM, YOU KNOW, THE THING

THAT HE DOES THAT'S BEEN DRIVING

ME CRAZY IS EVERY TIME HE SEES

ME LEAVE THE BUILDING OR ENTER

THE BUILDING, HE STANDS THERE,

LEANING AGAINST HIS CAR GOING,

"LOOK WHO IS HERE, HUH?

IT IS DINA, BEAUTIFUL DINA.

AH, YOU WEARING A SKIRT.

I GET TO SEE YOUR LEGS."

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT IS HE

STIMULATING HERE?

I NEVER DATED THIS GUY, BUT I

WAS VERY TEMPTED BECAUSE FOR

MANY YEARS I WAS VERY LONELY,

YOU KNOW.

I DATED A LOT OF VERY

INAPPROPRIATE MEN, MEN WHO WERE

MUCH TOO OLD FOR ME, YOU KNOW,

LIKE CELINE DION'S HUSBAND--

OLD, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

IS IT JUST ME OR DOES HE LOOK

LIKE A SNOWMAN?

(LAUGHTER)

AND, YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT

WOULD BE SO EASY TO MEET GUYS

WHEN I GOT OUT OF COLLEGE,

BECAUSE IT WAS VERY EASY TO MEET

GUYS IN COLLEGE.

I MEAN, THIS WAS REALLY ALL YOU

HAD TO DO TO MEET SOME GUY IN

COLLEGE.

"OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

I AM SO WASTED!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT WAS IT.

THAT WAS ALL IT TOOK.

BUT, ANYWAY, I'M GONNA GO HOME

AND I'M GONNA PUT ON THE

AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSICS BECAUSE,

UH, I'M FASCINATED WITH THE WAY

PEOPLE SPOKE ON THE 1940s.

VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE WAY WE

SPEAK TODAY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE TODAY YOU'D SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "LET'S GO TO A COMEDY

SHOW."

BUT BACK THEN YOU WOULDN'T DO

THAT.

YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"SAY, KIDS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT FOR A

NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN?"

YOU SEE?

A WHOLE DIFFERENT WAY OF

SPEAKING.

OR, LIKE, IF YOU WERE GONNA

FLIRT WITH A GUY, YOU WOULDN'T

JUST WALK UP TO SOME GUY AND BE

LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?"

I'VE BEEN MARRIED A LONG TIME.

UM, YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"HOW DO YOU DO, BOYS?

MY NAME IS POLLY MALLOY.

WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE A RIDE IN AN AUTOMOBILE

AND A SARSAPARILLA SODA JUST

FINE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND GUYS REALLY DUG THAT,

YOU KNOW?

OR LIKE--

I-- I USED TO MYSELF, LIKE WHEN

I GET ANNOYED WITH MY HUSBAND.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T JUST STAND

THERE, YOU KNOW, "WHY DIDN'T YOU

COME HOME WHEN YOU SAID--"

YOU KNOW, I'LL SAY SOMETHING

LIKE, "NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,

MR. MAN-ABOUT-TOWN,

MR. JOHNNY-COME-LATELY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT

IT IS YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE,

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL TELL

YOU THIS, BIG FELLA.

I DON'T LIKE IT."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU'VE BEEN A VERY NICE CROWD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ (BAND PLAYING)