CC Presents: Bob Marley

  • 02/01/2007

[CHUCKLES]

OW!

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE. I'M FROM MAINE ORIGINALLY.

IT'S A GREAT STATE-- YEAH, ARE YOU FROM-- YOU A MAINIAC?

WHOA!

BRING IT HOME HONEY, BRING IT HOME.

I'M MARRIED NOW.BEEN MARRIED 11 YEARS.HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

I THINK I'VE BECOME A LITTLE RETARDED.

IT'S MY WIFE'S FAULT. SHE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWLIKE WHERE MY SOCKS AREUNLESS I ASK MY WIFE.

I'M LIKE, [KID VOICE] "WHERE ARE MY SOCKS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THEY'RE IN THE SOCK DRAWER."

- "OKAY, THANK YOU." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED.""OKAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THAT'S NOT YOUR SIDE." "OKAY."

- "IT'S TIME TO EAT." "OKAY."- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"CAN I HAVE SOME BREAD?" "YOU DON'T LIKE BREAD." "OKAY."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"DIDN'T I USE TO LIKE BREAD?"

"NO, YOU'VE NEVER LIKED BREAD." "OKAY, THANK YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

I TOOK HER TO A NICE RESTAURANT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO.

DID YOU EVER GET THE WAITERTHAT WANTS TO TELL YOU HIS NAME?

I DON'T WANNA KNOW YOUR NAME. I'VE GOT STUFF TO DO.

I MEAN I'M A REALLY NICE GUY BUT I ALREADY HAVE FRIENDS.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO APPLEBEE'S TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE WAIT STAFF,

YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OFOTHER PROBLEMS.

DID YOU EVER MEET THIS WAITER. HOW ARE YOU? MY NAME IS TRAVIS.

I'M YOUR SERVER TONIGHT, TRAVIS, YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL,

YOU JUST ASK FOR TRAVIS. I'M TRAVIS, T-R-A-V-I-S TRAVIS.

MY WIFE LOVES IT. "HI TRAVIS, HI."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S NO RELATIONSHIP HERE, TRAVIS.

I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT.YOU GO GET IT.

I GIVE YOU SOME MONEY THEN YOU GO AWAY LIKE A FOOD HOOKER.

- THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEN HE SAYS "ARE WE READY TO GET STARTED THIS EVENING?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? EVERY GUY IN THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS

ON THE DRIVE TO THE RESTAURANT.

I'M DRIVING. MY WIFE'S TALKING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

SHE'S ALWAYS TALKING. I'D LIKE TO LISTEN TO HER,

BUT I'M RETARDED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

I'M DRIVING, SHE'S LIKE, "MARYANN, YOU KNOW MARYANN?

YOU KNOW MY FRIEND MARYANN? MARYANN JUST BOUGHT SOME

NEW CURTAINS FOR THE YING, YING,YING, YING, YING, YING, YING..."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.I JUST SMILE AT HER.

YAH! YAH!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I THROW IN A

"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. YAH!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S TALKING, ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT IS,

WHAT I'M GONNA EAT AT THE RESTAURANT?

SHE'S LIKE, "YING, YING, YING."

I'M LIKE "I'M GETTING HALIBUT. HALIBUT.

"KEEP ON CHATTING CHATTY CHATERSON,

"BUT I'M GETTING A BIG ASS PIECE OF HALIBUT.

"SO YES, TRAVIS, YOU LITTLE BASTARD, I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

"BUT I CAN'T ORDER FIRST.

"THAT'S NOT HOW THE SYSTEM'S SET UP.

"THAT WOULD MAKE WAY TOO MUCH SENSE

"BECAUSE I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT.

"PLEASE LET MY WIFE GO FIRST

AND TORTURE US ALL"... RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

...WITH WHAT SHE MIGHT WANT."

THIS IS WHAT MY WIFE DOES WITH THE MENU,

"GOSH THERE'S SO MUCH TO PICK FROM, I DON'T EVEN KNOW."

AND I JUST SIT THERE AND LAUGH AT HER LIKE A MORON.

"I KNOW, ISN'T THAT CRAZY?HA, HA, HA, HA!

LOT TO PICK FROM, LOT TO PICK FROM."

BUT IN MY HEAD, I'M THINKING, PICK SOMETHING SEA HAG.

I DIDN'T SAY IT. IT JUST POPPED INTO MY HEAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I MEAN YOU CAN'T BE WITH SOMEBODY FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME

AND NOT THINK EVIL THOUGHTS OF THEM.

DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE HER JUST BECAUSE SEA HAG POPPED INTO MY HEAD.

LIKE LADIES, YOU EVER WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND YOU LOOK OVERAT YOUR HUSBAND SLEEPING

WITH THAT BIG FAT HEAD OF HIS, HIS MOUTH IS OPEN, DROOLING,

HE'S BREATHING SOME KIND OF MEATLOAF ON YOU FROM LIKE FOUR DAYS AGO

AND YOU THINK, "HOW IN THE HELL DID I GET MATCHED UP WITH THIS GUY?"

AND YOU JUST WANNA PUNCH HIM, JUST ONCE, JUST ONCE.

JUST TO SEE HIM GO,"ALL RIGHT-- ALL RIGHT,WHAT WAS THAT?"

"IT'S OKAY, GO BACK TO SLEEP."

- "OKAY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, I THOUGHT SOMEBODY PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD."

"NOBODY PUNCHED YOU IN THE HEAD. YOU'RE OKAY." "OKAY. OKAY.

LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU."

MY WIFE DIDN'T KNOWWHAT SHE WANTED TO ORDER AT THE RESTAURANT.

SHE GOT REALLY NERVOUS, RIGHT?

PEOPLE FREAK OUT WHEN THEY DON'TKNOW WHAT THEY WANT TO ORDER.

GOD THEY'RE GONNA GET TO ME-- I'M NOT GONNA KNOW.

SO YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT? YOU SAY, "HEY TRAVIS,

COME BACK IN A FEW MINUTES." DON'T EVER DO THAT,

THE LITTLE BASTARD WILL NEVER COME BACK.

HE'S ALWAYS OFF CHASING BUTTERFLIES

- AROUND THE PARKING LOT, RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, ISN'T THAT OUR WAITER TRAVIS?

OPTION NUMBER TWO, YOU SET UP A LITTLE VERBAL DEFENSE.

THAT'S WHAT MY WIFE DID.SHE GOES,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. WHY DON'T YOU GO FIRST,

AND THEN YOU KNOW." "NO, I DON'T KNOW.

"I WANT HALIBUT.I KNEW THAT AN HOUR AGO IN THE TRUCK.

"HOW MUCH TIME YOU BUYING YOURSELF WITH THIS MOVE?

"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. IN THE TIME THAT I SAY HALIBUT,

"YOU'RE GONNA FIGURE OUT YOUR WHOLE ORDER?

"HOW LONG IS IT GONNATAKE ME TO SAY HALIBUT?

"DO I HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT THAT I'M NOT AWARE OF?

"YES, TRAVIS I'LL HAVE THE-- [CHEWBACCA NOISES].

[NOISES CONTINUE]

"I'M GONNA SAY, HALIBUT, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SCREWED.

"WATCH THIS, HALIBUT. OKAY, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WHAT DO YOU GOT? YOU GOT NOTHING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHEN DESSERT COMES YOU JUST SHOVE IT IN YOUR PIE HOLE

AND YOU MOVE ON TO THE PROMISE LAND.

YOU JUST LOOK AT EACH OTHER, WE'RE GONNA GET FAT

AND WE'RE STILLGONNA HAVE SEX.

YOU EVER MEET PEOPLE THAT CAN'T MAKE THEIR MIND UP ABOUT DESSERT?

THAT'S ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?THEY'RE VERY WEIRD, AREN'T THEY?

THE WAITER COMES OVER, "WOULD ANYONE LIKE DESSERT?"

"I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

DESSERT? I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IF YOU GUYS DO, MAYBE I WILL. BUT I DON'T KNOW."

"OH YOU KNOW TUBBY, YOU KNOW.YOU JUST ATE HALF A COW

AND A WHOLE FIELD OF POTATOES, YOU KNOW."

I FIGURED OUT WHY PEOPLE ARE STRANGE ABOUT DESSERT.

HERE'S THE DEAL. IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX.

IT'S VERY SEXUAL. IT'S NAUGHTY AND IT'S DIRTY

AND THERE'S A LOT OF SHAME INVOLVED.

EVEN THE WAY THE WAIT STAFF APPROACHES YOU IT'S SEXUAL,

"IS ANYBODY FEELING RISKY THIS EVENING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"DOES ANYBODY FEEL BAD? YOU FEEL BAD?

YOU WANNA BE A LITTLE BIT BAD?

BE A BAD BOY?"

THIS LITTLE BASTARD TRAVIS, WHEN CAME OUT OF NOWHERE,

HAD THAT DESSERT MENU WITH HIS ASS ALL POPPED OUT.

"CAN I TEMPT SOMEONE?" "CAN YOU DO WHAT?"

"CAN I TEMPT SOMEONE?""I DON'T WANNA BANG YOU, TRAVIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I WANT A PIECE OF BLUEBERRY PIE.

NOW TUCK YOUR ASS IN AND GO GET IT, FOOD BOY."

THIS IS WHAT MY WIFE SAID, "THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

"YOU GET THE PIE, I'LL GET THE CAKE

AND THEN WE'LL SWAP." "UM, HOW ABOUT NO?"

"WHAT?" "HOW ABOUT ABIG HELPING OF NO, NO?!"

"WHY NOT?" "BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I DON'T WANT

IS HALF OF YOUR CRAPPY LITTLE PIECE OF CAKE."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SOMETIMES FOOD WILL JUST SHOW UP.

LIKE SOMETIMES I'LL BE WATCHING TV

AND SHE'LL JUST COME WITH FOOD FOR ME.

"HERE YOU GOYOU FAT LITTLE BASTARD.THIS WILL TIE YOU OVER."

I'M LIKE♪ I GOT A SNACKI GOT A SNACK ♪

SHE GAVE ME CHIPS AND DIP, THE OTHER DAY.

YOU EVER EAT CHIPS AND DIP? THAT'S LIKE CRACK, ISN'T IT?

ONE BITE AND YOU'RE TOTALLY HOOKED.

THE MINUTE THEY PUT THE BOWL OF CHIPS AND DIP IN FRONT OF ME,

I HEAR NOTHING ANYBODY ELSE SAYS.

I'M LIKE, "OH REALLY?" [GRUNTING NOISES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY'S VOICE IS JUST LIKE

WHA-WHA-WHA-WHA,OKAY, WHATEVER.

DO YOU EVER PICK UP A LITTLE CHIP THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

IT'S GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THE DIP?

IT'S GOT LIKE ALITTLE FAULT LINE IN IT.

YOU'RE AT A PARTYSOME GUY'S JARRING YOUR EAR OFF,

WHA, WHA, WHA, WHA.

I GOT A SITUATION OVER HERE, BUDDY.

DO YOU EVER STICK IT IN THE DIP ANYWAY

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO CONFIDENT OF CHIP DIPPING SKILLS?

AND YOU HEAR THAT AWFUL NOISE, OH BOY.

I ALWAYS RUN BACK TO THE BAG

AND I GET THE BIG FAT DADDY RESCUE CHIP,

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA I'LL SAVE YOU.

YOU EVER EAT NACHOS? THAT'S COMPETITIVE EATING, ISN'T IT?

THE MINUTE THEY PUT THOSE NACHOS DOWN EVERYBODY BECOMES AN ENEMY, RIGHT?

BECAUSE THERE'S ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF NACHOS.

YOU EVER SEE THOSENAKED ONES AROUND THE PERIMETER.

THEN THERE'S THAT ONE BIG POWER BALL NACHO.

THAT SOMEHOW IS CONNECTED TO ALL THE OTHER NACHOS ON THE PLATE.

IT'S LIKE THE KEVIN BACON OF NACHOS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD, THAT'S PROBABLY MY NACHO.

I'M PROBABLY GONNA GET THAT NACHO. I'M LUCKY LIKE THAT.

YOU EVER SEE LIKE YOUR NANA REACHING FOR THE GOOD NACHO,

WITH HER NANA HAND. THAT'S A NANA HAND.

AND IN YOUR HEAD YOU THINK, YOU SON OF A BITCH. YOU DO.

YOU DON'T THINK, OH GOLLY GOSH NANA, YOU'RE A RASCAL.

NO, YOU THINK NANA IS A SON OF A BITCH.

I MEAN YOU DON'T SAY IT RIGHT OUT.

BUT WHAT IF WE HAD LIKETOURETTE NACHO SYNDROME.

WHERE SHE GRABS ON TO THE NACHO, "REALLY NANA, YOU WHORE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK I JUST CALLED NANA A WHORE.

YOU EVER GET EXCITEDWHEN YOU ORDER A PIZZA?

YOU'RE JUST SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE AND YOU LOOK AT

THE OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THE DEAL.

WE ALL BECOME A LITTLE RETARDEDAT THAT POINT, DON'T WE?

WE'RE GONNA GET A PEETZTHA?

WHAAOO!

I LOVE YOU!

FIRST THING I DO AFTER WE ORDER THE PIZZA,

I TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES.THAT WAY I DON'T

HAVE TO ANSWER THE DOOR WHEN THE PIZZA GUY SHOWS UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN I GO AND I SIT ON THE COUCH AND I WAIT FOR MY PIZZA.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE FROM THE TIME YOU HANG UP THE PHONE

UNTIL THE TIME THE PIZZA GUY SHOWS UP THE ONLY CONVERSATION

YOU HAVE IS WHERE IN THE HELL IS OUR PIZZA?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S PRETTY BAD, ISN'T IT, FATTIES OF AMERICA?

THERE'S PEOPLE STARVING TO DEATH ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

PEOPLE WAITING FOR A BAG OF FLOUR TO FALL OUTOF A HELICOPTER.

I'M SITTING ON THE COUCHSCRATCHING MY NUTS GOING

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.YOU KNOW HOW MANY BEERSI'VE HAD TO DRINK WHILE

I WAIT FOR THIS KID TO SHOW UP?

IT'S GREAT WHEN HE FINALLY SHOWS UP, ISN'T IT? SO EXCITING.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE A DRUG RAID. DING-DONG, HE'S HERE!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET THE MONEY! GET THE MONEY!

HIDE THE DOG! HIDE THE DOG!

WHO IS IT? THE PIZZA GUY! FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, I LOVE--OH DON'T YOU LOVE BEER?

OH MY GOD, YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GREW UP IN MAINE AND THAT'S ALL WE DID IS DRINK.

YOU EVER GET CAUGHT DRINKING BY YOUR PARENTS?

FIRST TIME I GOT CAUGHTI WAS LIKE 15.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOZE,

SO I WENT TO THE MOBIL GAS STATION,

AND I STOLE THREE BOTTLES OF AN ALL TIME CLASSIC,

BOOMS FARM TICKLE PINK, ANYBODY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

QUALITY BEVERAGE, SOLD IT DOWN NEXT TO THE 10W30,

$1.42 A GALLON, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM.

SO I GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND I DRANK IT AS FAST AS I COULD.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

THEN I WENT TOMCDONALDS AND I ORDEREDTHREE CHEESEBURGERS

AND A FILET OF FISH. NOW, LOOKING BACK

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THAT FILET OF FISH THAT LATER ON

- DERAILED ME A BIT.- [LAUGHTER]

SO WHEN I GOT HOME I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET CAUGHT.

BUT MY PARENTS HAD FALLEN ASLEEP WATCHING HEE-HAW ON THE COUCH.

SO I WAS DANCING AROUND IN THE LIVING ROOM

TAUNTING THEM IN THEIR SLEEP, "I GOT AWAY WITH IT.

I GOT AWAY WITH IT. WHOO!" THEN I WALKED UP THE STAIRS

AND I REMEMBER THINKING, I AM THE MAN! I'M A DRINKER!

AND I WALKED BY THE BATHROOMAT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS

AND THE TOILET LOOKED AT ME. AND I LOOKED AT THE TOILET

AND I SAID, "I GOT AWAY WITH IT." AND THE TOILET SAID,

"NO YOU DIDN'T, GET OVER HEREAND PRAY TO ME, BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT THE WIFE. I'VE GOT THE KIDS.

I'VE GOT THE DOG. I'M SO RETARDED.

I LIKE-- I'M SO RETARDED AT THIS POINT

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHEN WE'RE GOING PLACES.

LIKE WE WERE GOING ON VACATION,

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WERE GOING ON VACATION.

THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUT,MY WIFE CAME HOME

WITH SOME BATHING SUITS FOR ME TO TRY ON SHE GOES,

"TRY THESE BATHING SUITS ON." I'M LIKE, "OKAY, THANK YOU."

SO I GOT IN THE ROOM,I COULD BARELY GET THEM PASS MY KNEECAPS.

SHE'S OUT THERE YELLING AT ME, "COME OUT AND LET ME SEE THEM.

THEY DON'T FIT.""HOW DO YOU KNOWTHEY DON'T FIT?"

"BECAUSE MY TESTICLES ARE HANGING OVER THE TOP."

"JUST COME OUT AND LET ME SEE, I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT."

"THERE'S NOTHING TO JUDGE, CRAZY LADY.

"IF YOUR NUTS ARE ONTHE OUTSIDE OF THE SUIT,IT'S A BAD FIT."

"JUST COME OUT AND LET ME SEE 'EM!"

SO I FINALLY WRANGLE DAD AND THE TWO BOYS INTO THE FABRIC

AND I SUCK IN MY GUT AND I FLEX AS BEST I CAN.

AND YOU KNOW I COME OUT AROUND THE CORNER,

I WANNA LOOK GOOD FOR HER, RIGHT?

SHE PICKED ME. WE'RE MARRIED. WE SLEEP TOGETHER.

I COME OUT AROUND THE CORNERWITH THE BATHING SUIT ON,

SHE LOOKS AT ME, THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES,

- READY, "OH." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?WHAT THE HELL IS, "OH"?

GUYS, YOU THINK YOU'D GET AWAY WITH DOING THAT TO THE WIFE?

IMAGINE SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM TRYING ON A BATHING SUIT.

SHE COMES SKIPPING OUT YOU'RE LIKE, WHOA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW'D YOU SQUEEZE YOUR BUCKET INTO THAT PIECE OF NYLON?

YOUR STUFF WOULD BEPACKED IN THE TRUCK READY TO GO.

YOU'D BE CHILLING AT THE HOLIDAY INN.

SHE LOOKS AT ME SHE GOES "YOU HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT."

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, THANK YOU."

"I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON A DIET. I'M GONNA PUT YOU

"ON A LOW CARBOHYDRATE DIET. IT'S CALLED THE ATKINS DIET.

AND ALL YOU'RE GONNA EAT IS JUST MEAT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, GOOD, YOU GO GIRL."

I THOUGHT I'D LIKE THIS THING 'CAUSE I LIKE MEAT.

SO FOR THREE DAYS INTO IT I'D EATEN SO MUCH MEAT

I WAS PERUSING THE NEIGHBORHOOD AT 4:00AM LOOKING FOR CATS AND STUFF.

MY HEART WAS BEATING A MILLION MILES A MINUTE.

I'VE GOT BACON FAT DRIPPING OFF MY EYELASHES.

PEOPLE LIKE, "HEY, YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD. DID YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT?"

GET OVER HERE, I'LL EAT YOUR FACE RIGHT OFF YOUR HEAD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I ONLY MADE IT 11 DAYS.I HAD TO QUIT.

I WAS BACKED UP LIKE THE MALL PARKING LOT AT CHRISTMASTIME.

I TOLD MY WIFE, I SAID,"I THINK I'M GONNA DIE."

"OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE."

"WELL, I GOTTA HAVE A PIECE OF FRUIT OR SOMETHING."

"WELL, FRUIT IS NOT ON THE DIET."

"WELL, GUESS WHAT, IT'S ON MY LIFE PLAN, NAZI.

"I'M GONNA EAT THIS APPLE RIGHT HERE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,

"BUT TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU SOMETHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.

NOW YOU GET THE KIDS, LOAD THEM IN THE TRUCK AND GET OUT OF TOWN."

SURE ENOUGH, THREE BITES INTO MY MACINTOSH,

MY STOMACH WAS LIKE, [GROWLING NOISES].

THEN I FELT THAT SHARP PAIN. YOU EVER FEEL THAT ONE?

- I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I BARELY MADE IT IN THERE. I GOT IN THERE

I WAS MAKING NOISES THAT SHOULD NOT COME OUT OF A HUMAN BEING.

IT STARTED OFF PEACEFUL, BUT IT GOT UGLY REAL QUICK.

[FARTING NOISES]

HALFWAY THROUGH IT, THIS IS WHAT I HEARD, QUACK!

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A DAMN DUCKCRAWLING OUT OF MY ASS.

QUACK! QUACK! OH MY GOD.

QUACK! QUACK! IT'S LIKE ASSFLACK. QUACK!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ASSFLACK, QUACK-- ASSFLACK.

I OPEN UP THE DOOR,MY FIVE YEAR'S OLD LIKE,

"DADDY, CAN I SEE THE DUCKS?" "NO, CHUCKIE."

HEY GOD BLESS, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT. THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

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