Maronzio Vance faces off with a mall kiosk employee, fantasizes about a store that would make dating easier and reveals a compliment he gave that went horribly awry.
I live in Los Angeles, which isthe capital of Mexico.
I, um, I'm pretty surewhat that is right now.
I had to fly here.
I don't like flying.
I really, reallydon't like flying.
I don't... I can't reallyexplain it.
I just don't like it.
Um, I don't like playing the"did your luggage make it" game.
Um, that's where you stand
in front of a vending machinecarousel-type contraption,
and you wait for your luggageto come out.
Now, here's the problemthat I have with that.
Uh, I don't know whatmy luggage looks like
when it's not with me.
when it's with me, blue bag,
when it's not with me,it could be anything.
I really don't remember.And, um...
Part of the problem I havewith waiting on my luggage
to come out is, uh,I stand in front
of the little vending machine.
And I, uh, I find myselfdeveloping symptoms of diseases
that I know I don't have.
Because I'll see a bag,I'm not sure if it's my bag.
I don't want to touch it.
Because I don't want peopleto think
I'm stealing 'cause I'm black.And...
I just don't need thatunnecessary pressure.
And, uh, I'll see a bag,I'm not sure if it's mine.
I want to grab it,but I just look at it
and I try to indentify it,but I find myself
developing symptoms ofParkinson's 'cause I'll be like,
"Is this my..."
"That's not my bag."
And then I find my bagand Parkinson's is cured.
Now, that's not...that's the easy way out.
Now, this next thing I'm aboutto say, it may sound offensive,
but I thought about thislong and hard.
I've always wantedto own a midget.
Now... listen, there'snothing... there's no laws
that say you can't own one.
I've looked it up.And, um...
I would like to have a midget,
not to do anything cruel,unusual to it.
I would liketo have the midget
to put inside my luggage.And...
when my bag comes outand I can't identify it,
I'll just yell out,"Hey, bag buddy!"
And some feet will come outof the bottom of the suitcase,
and he will walk over to meand I'd be like,
"Thank you.Let's get out of here."
Now, a lot of y'all like,"Aw, that's mean and cruel."
But I thought about thislong and hard.
I will poke holes into the bag
and give it, uh,Goldfish and Capri Sun.
Those are little people treats.
I should have been more,I guess...
in, like, studying my set
or just go over some jokesor whatever, but I didn't.
I sat in my hotel room
and I watched, uh,reality shows,
which I don't likebut I watch them
to make sure thatI still don't like them. Um...
And I got caught up watching Extreme Home Makeover.
Now, I must say,I love the show.
And if you don't cryby the end of it,
you're not a human being
because these people getstuff... I'd be like,
"Oh, my God."Well, I get excited.
And by the end, I'm hating'cause I'm like,
"How does this childhave a tree house
inside their house?"
Like that doesn'teven make sense, so...
And I'm watching Extreme Home Makeover...
Some of the cities,I don't agree with that they do.
Like, they did Detroit one time.
And I was like,"Come on, really, Detroit?"
Like, if I lived in Detroitand they came to my house,
and they were like, "Hey, wewant to give you a new house."
I'd be like, "Look, can I speakto y'all for a second?"
Can you just move us?"
"I-I'm just saying, like,if that's an option, please.
"Like, if you're not going to dothe whole city,
there's no point, like..."
If you haveever been to Detroit,
you would understandwhy I made that joke.
Uh... let me tell youhow bad Detroit looks.
If I was running the country
and we were under alien attack,
I would automatically say,"Let's dub Detroit, Earth."
That way when aliens land here,
they will go to Detroitand be like,
"Oh, they alreadytook this place over.
"Let's get out of here.
"I'll leave 'em some moneyor something.
Now, I'm on a budget.
So that means, I got to shopwithin my reasons.
And I go into a shoe storea couple of days ago
to buy some sneakers,and I go inside,
and this kid is very aggressive.
Like, he really wantsto make this sale
but he don't realizethat I don't have the money
to help him reach the goalsthat he's trying to achieve.
And he comes up to me.
He's like, "How can I help you?"
I said, "Look, man,I think I want
those sneakers right there."
And he criticized my choice.He was like,
"Why do you wantthose old-ass sneakers?"
I was like, "Because those old-ass sneakers are in my budget.
Now, go get those shoes."
And he went to go get the shoes.He brought them back out to me
and, um, he said,"Would you like to try them on?"
I'm like, "Look, man,I'm 30-something years old.
"If I don't knowwhat size shoe I wear now,
I shouldn't be shoppingfor shoes." Like...
What are you going to do,put the shoe on my foot
and tap the tip of my toe,
like, "Yeah, man."
(chuckles)"You still gotsome growing room in there."
I can see how that's goingto work out for you."
But I'm like, "Just bagthe shoes up. Let's go."
And that should have beenthe end of the transaction.
But he kept going on,
and, uh, he, he says to me,
"Um, can I ask you a question?"I said, "Sure, what's going on?"
He said, "What do you, what doyou clean your shoes with?"
I was like, "Nothing. That's whyI'm in here buying new shoes."
He said, "Well, can I interestyou in this cleaning solution?"
I said, "No, I'm alreadynot interested in it."
I'm not gonna...I'm not gonna use it.
He's like,"It'll just take two seconds."
I said, "No,I don't have two seconds."
"It'll take one second.""Fine, you got a second."
He goes, he get's this cleaningsolution from the back.
He comes out. He takes a bucket.He pours this cleaning solution
and some water.And he asked me for my shoe.
And I give him my shoeand he cleaned the shoe
like his life depended on it.And he handed me the shoe back.
And he was like,"What do you think?"
I was like, "You know what?
That's not bad... at all."
"Um, do the other one."
And he cleaned the other shoelike his life depended on it.
And he hand me the shoe back andI was like, "You know what, man?
I don't think I'm gonnabuy those shoes now."
He was like, "Why not?"I said, "Because those shoes
look like these.There's no need to waste money."
"Thank you for your time."And, uh...
I tried to walk, I triedto walk out of the store
and he yelled out,
"Well, aren't youat least going to buy
the cleaning solution?"I was like,
"No, I'll just waittill they get dirty again.
"I'll come back in hereon your day off.
Now I left outthe shoe store.
And I was in a happy moodbecause I had saved some money.
And I walking throughthe mall or whatever,
and you always try to bein a happy place.
Like, you ever tell yourself,I'm going to be happy,
like no matter what happens,I'm going to be in a good place.
No one's going to steal my joy.I tried that.
And, um, I was walkingthrough the mall
in happy mode, speaking topeople I don't even know,
"Hey, how you doing?What's going on?"
"All right, nice shirt. Wellbehaved kids. Nice hairstyle."
Like... I'm happy.
I'm in a good placeand I see this young lady
working at a kiosk.And, you know,
the kiosk arethose little stores
in the middle of the mall.
Now, I see the young ladyworking at the kiosk,
and I wave over to her,
"Hey, how you doing?"
And she (blows raspberry) me.
Now, you know (blows raspberry)is universal
for "Get the hell onabout your business."
But I wasn't even in her face,
like, I was across the mallin happy mode.
And she dissed me.
And I tried to ignore it, like,
"Well, maybe she having a badday. I'll keep it moving."
But something inside mesaid you need to go back
to find out what's wrong withher or what did you do to her.
And I went back overto the young lady
and I said to the girl, I said,
"Excuse me, but did youjust, like (blows raspberry) me?
And with an attitude, she says,"Yes, I did, and?"
"Yes, I did, and...?"
"I was tryingto be your friend.
"I was tryingto acknowledge the fact
"that this isn't even a store.
"You work at a kiosk."
"First of all,"kiosk" ain't even a real word.
"They made that upto decorate 'cart'.
"You sell cell phone coversfor a living
"and you thinkyou're better than me?
"Are you (bleep)?
"This ain't even a real store.
"You know howyou close this bitch?
You throw a blanket over it..."
"Like it's a canary cageor some (bleep).
"What, you think you're goingto move up in this position?
"You think your supervisoris going
"to come tap youon your shoulder
"and say,'Hey, we need you to go
"'to this cell phone coverconference in Cincinnati
"'to find outthe latest technology
"in cell phone covers.'
"No, bitch, this is it for you."
"And as soon as they finda vending machine
to sell this stuff,you out of a job."
"Now, you havea nice day, okay?"
I got mad when I votedfor Obama
'cause all these people were,like, my white friends,
"Oh, you're voting for Obama'cause he's black."
I was, like, "No, it hasnothing to do with color.
"I'm not voting for himbecause he's black.
"I'm voting for him'cause he's not white.
There is a difference."
Not even about race.
Like, I thought when Obamabecame president, you know,
it'd bring race relationstogether.
Like, I thought peoplewould get along better.
It didn't help that much.
We was coolfor, like, two weeks,
and then it went back to normal.
Um, it did.'Cause I'm from the South.
Like, I went hometo North Carolina.
I have a 13-year-old daughter.
And we went home,I went home for Christmas
to take her Christmas shopping.
And we in the mallshopping, right?
In the food court eating,trying to enjoy ourselves.
And Obama's on his teleprompter.He's talking or whatever.
And these two white guysare standing in front
of the TV screen.
And out of nowherethey just yell out,
"That (bleep) ain'tmy president."
And, like, walked off.
And then my daughter turnedto me, and she asked me,
"Daddy, why do white peoplehate black people so much?"
And it caught me off guard
because I wasn't readyfor a racism question.
Like, I had a sex answer ready.
But she asked me about race,
and I really don't know howto explain race to my daughter.
Like, she's 13 years old.Like, do I tell her the truth?
That's a lot to digest.
Like, do I tell her,"Look, sweetheart,
"we was in Africa one day, um,playing volleyball,
"and, um, a boat pulled up,and was, like,
"'Hey, what are you guys doingtoday?'
"And we was, like,'Nothing. Why?'
"And they was, like, 'Uh,y'all want to go on a trip?'
"We was, like, 'Whoa.How much is it?'
"And y'all was, like,'It's free.'
"We was, like, 'What the hell?We ain't got to work tomorrow.'
"And then we got on the boatand we came to America.
"And then when we got offthe boat,
"they was, like,'Build us a country.'
"We was, like,'Whoa, you ain't say nothing
about building a country.'
"And then they hit uswith a whip.
"We were, like, 'All right,this one time
we'll build this country, andthen we getting out of here.'
"And then we workedand built the country.
"And they was, like, 'All right,y'all get the hell out of here.
We don't need y'allanymore.'
"And we was, like,'Whoa, hold up.
'Um, we didn't really save upany money or anything
''cause we been workingfor free so long.
'Like, at least let us dropsome applications in,
'and save up to buy a boatand a GPS system
'cause we don't know howwe got here.'
And we been here ever since."
Now that's a lot to explainto a 13-year-old.
But as a parent, if your childasks you something,
even if you don't know theanswer, you just say something
and pray to Godthey don't go Google it
and come back later and be,like, "You a liar.
You don't know either.So what's the answer?"
why do white people hate
black people so much?"
I just say the first thingI could think of.
I was, like, "Sweetheart,uh, white people hate
black people so much becausewhite is harder to keep clean."
That's all I had.
She was, like,"Like your sneakers?"
I was, like, "Yes, exactly.Like, once a week."
I do all that slavery stuff.
I'm not a racist guy, I'm not.I'm not. I date everybody.
I date all women: white, black,
Like, I wish they hada grocery store
for men to go grocery shoppingfor a woman.
'Cause I don't like dating.I wish I could just go
in a grocery storeand grab a woman off a shelf,
add some water to itand be, like, boom,
instant whatever it isthat I just bought.
I would. If men could gogrocery shopping,
for a woman, so many thingswould change.
Like, for one, men would startgrocery shopping more often.
And two, we would startreading the back of a box
to find out what's in it.
I would love to see menin a grocery store
just walking around.
"What's going on, man?How you doing?"
You was here yesterday.That's crazy."
What's this right here?
"Black woman, attitude.
Think she knowevery goddamn thing."
I don't need that.
Oh, "ass included" now.
"Will believe anythingI tell her."
Let me get two of those.
I might mess that first one up.
Oh, "Baby stroller and babyalready included."
I don't want no accessorieswith my stuff.
thing I've done of recent,
I went on a date with,went on a date
with a Middle Eastern girl.
Yeah, just to give everybodya fair shake.
Um, went on a datewith this Middle-Eastern girl.
Very attractive young lady.
Beautiful. She wore, like,this black dress.
Beautiful black dressshe had on.
And she had these heels,these little six-inch heels
that made her calves, you know,protrude out or whatever.
And she had a little dressthat came off her shoulders
a little bit,
and she had her hair upin a little bun.
She had this shimmerglitter stuff on
to make her look like she hadbeen in arts and crafts all day.
And we were walkingthrough the restaurant,
and as we were walkingthrough the restaurant,
I see all these guysare staring at her.
I'm, like, "Oh, my God,let me, you know,
"give her a complimentso she'll know
that I'm paying attention."
And I go over to her,and I just say the first thing
that comes to mind.
I say, "Damn girl, you gotthe threat level
of orange in here."
But that's not whatI should have said.
Uh, we continue to walkinto the restaurant.
And we sit down to eat,and the waiter comes over to us
and says, "Hey, how you doing?How can I help you?"
And she turns to me immediatelyand says, "You can help me
by taking me home."I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "You insulted me."
I said, "No, I didn't."
She said, "Yes, you did.
You said the threat levelis on orange in here."
I said, "Oh, I didn't mean itlike America mean it.
I mean it as a compliment."
She was, like, "I don't givea damn how you meant it.
I want you to take me homeand take me home now."
I'm, like, "No, I'm not.We just got here.
We gonna have a great time."
She said, "No, we're not.Take me home."
I said, "No, I'm hungry.I want to eat.
I'm staying here."
She says,"Fine, then I'm leaving."
She gets up, she throwsa napkin down
and tries to make a sceneand leave.
And I panic, and I just saythe first thing
that I can think of.
I was, like, "If you try toleave me in here by myself,
I may yell out, 'Pleasedon't blow up that building.'"
And she turned aroundand looked at me, like,
"You wouldn't dare."
I was, like, "Yes, I would."
She said, "Well, I'll justyell out 'Rape.'"
I was, like, "Ain't nobodygonna believe
I'm gonna rape a terrorist."
And if they do,I'll just tell 'em
I'm doing it for my country,so..."