Tuesday, November 17, 2015

  • 11/17/2015

Noel Wells, Derek Waters and Heather Anne Campbell put together Spider-Woman's baby registry, list #HungryGames and make 911 calls as unruly Florida residents.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

WHILE YOU SIT I'DLY IN FRONT OFYOUR COMPUTER MACHINE.

EVERYDAY, FACEBOOK'S CREEPINGTENDRILS SLITHER EVER FURTHER UP

OUR PRIVACY HOLES.

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'LL LOGON FOR A SIMPLE AFTERNOON OF

STALKING EX-GIRLFRIENDS ANDFACEBOOK WILL AUTOMATICALLY POST

YOUR PORN SEARCH HISTORY.

TO BE FAIR, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN-- NEVER MADE A SECRET OF MY

LOVE FOR REPTILE MILF.

REAL REPTILES HAVE SCALES.

WELL, NOW, THA' BOOK IS TRYINGTO USE ITS ALL-SEEING EYE TO

PROTECT US FROM OURSELVES.

A NEW FEATURE WILL SCAN YOURCAMERA ROLL AND SEND USERS A

WARNING BEFORE THEY UPLOADPHOTOS THAT MIGHT BE

QUESTIONABLE.

THIS IS A GREAT IDEA AND NOTHINGCOULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S AN EXAMPLE OFA POTENTIAL PHOTO-BASED WARNING

YOU MIGHT GET FROM FACEBOOK?

HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> WARNING YOU LOOK LIKE [BEEP]Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

DEREK WATERS.

>> ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO POSTTHIS PICTURE OF YOURSELF AT THE

SMASHMOUTH REUNION TOUR INREDONE DOUGH BEACH.

IF YOU DO, PEOPLE WILL KNOW YOUWENT TO THE SMASHMOUTH REUNION

TOUR -->> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: SPIDER-WOMAN, A.K.A.

JESSICA DREW, IS NOW PREGNANTAFTER BEING BITTEN BY A

RADIOACTIVE PENIS.

I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.

THE LONG-TIME AVENGER IS TAKINGSOME TIME OFF FOR MATERNITY

LEAVE, LETTING OTHER PEOPLE KICKASS WHILE SHE GOES TO LAMAZE

CLASSES WITH SUPERMAN:I KNOW, I KNOW.

I KNOW MARVEL/D.C. MARRIAGES ARECONTROVERSIAL, BUT THE SUPREME

JUSTICE LEAGUE RULED IN FAVOR OFMIXED-UNIVERSE UNIONS, SO LOVE

WINS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I JUST MADE ALL OF

THAT UP.

OFTEN PREGNANT WOMEN HAVE BACKPROBLEMS, BUT LUCKILY DREW HAS

PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE HAVING HERBODY PAINFULLY CONTORTED.

AS WE SEE IN THIS -- REAL LIFEPICTURE HERE.

[LAUGHING]>> SHE'S USING THE LITTER BOX

WRONG.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SAD SPIDER KITTY.

A HUNDRED POINTS TO DEREK WATERSFOR THAT. SO BEFORE

SHE GIVES BIRTH TO 800 LITTLESPIDER-BABIES WHO WILL

IMMEDIATELY DEVOUR HER, SO,COMEDIANS, WHAT IS SOMETHING ON

SPIDER-WOMAN'S BABY REGISTRY?

>> A BILLION I DON'T KNOW TINYBABY SOCKS.

>> Chris: DEREK WATERS.

>> WEB, BATH AND BEYOND.

KILL ME FOR SAYING THAT.

>> Chris: IF THERE IS ONE THINGTHAT'S CERTAIN IN THIS LIFE,

IT'S THAT TIME CHANGES US ALL.

LIKE, WHO KNEW THIS ADORABLELITTLE LAD WOULD TURN INTO THE

COMEDY GIANT AND SEX SYMBOL WHOSTANDS BEFORE YOU TODAY.

[ APPLAUSE ][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> A TOOTH MISSING --Chris: SHUT UP, YES!

I WAS A GROWING BOY.

OH, MAN IF I COULD GO BACK ANDTELL THAT GUY, DON'T WORRY SOME

DAY SOMEBODY WILL TOUCH YOURPENIS.

IT WON'T BE FOR A WHILE.

AND WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTEDTHAT THE BIGGEST BULLY OF '80s

CINEMA WOULD COME OUT AGAINSTBULLYING?

BILLY ZABKA, A.K.A. JOHNNYLAWRENCE, THE HEADBANDED TEENAGE

BAD GUY WHO TORMENTED RALPHMACCHIO IN "THE KARATE KID,"

WHICH TOTALLY HOLDS UP BY THEWAY, WATCH IT AGAIN.

DELIVERED AN ANTI-BULLYINGMESSAGE TO PROSPECTIVE KARATE

KIDS.

HE HAS A POINT THE NUMBER ONECAUSE OF INJURY AMONG BULLY IS

THE CRANE KICK TO THE FACE.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO.

A GUY CAN DO KARATE HIS WHOLELIFE.

IF YOU TRAIN IN YOUR BUILDING WITH AN ASIAN GUY FOR TWO

MONTHS YOU CAN BEAT THE [BLEEP]OUT OF EVERYONE.

NOW THAT BULLYING IS IN A BODYBAG HOW WILL OTHER VILLIANS

DO A COMPLETE 180°.

>> THE ALIEN WILL CREATE A SAFESPACE IN YOUR CHEST.

>> Chris: YES, NOEL.

>> THE JOKER IS NOW WRITING FORJEZABEL.COM.

>> Chris: POINTS TO YOU FORTHAT.

TIME FOR TONIGHT'S "HASHTAGWARS."

THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF "THEHUNGER GAMES" SAGA HITS THEATERS

THIS FRIDAY, AND ALREADY I DON'TKNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

NOW WHERE WILL I SEE TEENSBRUTALLY ASSAULT EACH OTHER?

OH, RIGHT.

THANKS, WORLD STAR!

IN ANY CASE, WE'RE GOING TOREMEDY THE LACK OF FOOD-THEMED

COMPETITION IN THE WORLD WITHTONIGHT'S HASHTAG, #HUNGRYGAMES.

THESE ARE FOOD-THEMED GAMES--EXAMPLES: KINGDOM ARTICHOKE

HEARTS, GUACANOPOLY ANDMINEKRAFT SINGLES.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THCLOCK BEGIN.

DEREK WATERS.

>> GUITAR HERO.

Chris: POINTS.

HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> SONIC THE DRIVE-THRU HEDGEHOG.

>> Chris: KNOW HE WILL.

>> NBA JAM WITH THE SIDE OFTOAST.

>> Chris: KNOW HE WILL.

>> MORTAL KOMBUCHA.

>> PIZZERIA UNO.

UNO.

>> "@MIDNIGHT" SNACK.

Chris: AHHH.

YOU ADORABLE SON OF A BITCH.

POINTS.

KNOW HE WILL.

>> SUPER MARIO BATLI BROTHERS.

>> SETTLERS OF CROUTON.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY CHILL DOG ORKILL DOG.

DOGS ARE SUPPOSEDLY MAN'S BESTFRIEND, BUT IF REDDIT HAS TAUGHT

ME ANYTHING, IT'S THAT THE MANIS LYING TO US, MAN.

SURE, SOME PUPS HAVE YOUR BACKWHEN YOU NEED IT, BUT OTHERS

WILL TURN ON YOU FASTER THAN YOUCAN SAY "ATTACK PUG."

REMEMBER THIS CLASSIC VINE?

( PAPER RUSTLING )( DOG BARKS )

>> Chris: YOU ALRIGHT.

>> I'M OKAY.

THANK YOU.

>> Chris: IT WAS JUST A VIDEO.

>> OKAY.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: JUST A VIDEO.

NOT REAL.

SO CUTE, SO SCARY, AND SUCHGREAT COMEDIC TIMING FOR AN

ANIMAL THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTANDWHY HIS BALLS HAVE BEEN TAKEN

AWAY.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A PICTURE OF A POOCH, AND,

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME IF IT'S A CHILL DOG OR A

KILL DOG.

FIRST ONE, A RADIANT GOLDENRETRIEVER-- IS HE A CHILL DOG OR

KILL DOG?

HEATHER AN CAMPBELL.

>> I WILL SAY A KILL DOG.

Chris: I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> LOOK AT HIM, KILL DOG.

[LAUGHING]>> KILLED IT.

>> KILL DOG.

Chris: SUPER CHILL IN THEEND.

IT WAS ALMOST LIKE, I CAN'T HELPIT I'M SORRY.

REALLY SORRY.

NEXT UP THIS LOYAL LAB, CHILLDOG OR KILL DOG.

LEATHER AN CAMPBELL.

>> CHILL DOG?

hris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IS IT THE SAME DOG?

>> AHHHH.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: I SWEAR TO DOG --

[LAUGHING]>> IT'S GOD BACKWARDS.

Chris: THIS DOG IS MY SPIRITANIMAL FOR HOW I INTERACT WITH

THE INTERNET.

COME ON GUYS STOP [BEEP] ON ME.

NOW THESE UNLIKELY BEST FRIENDS.

>> YOU ARE A CHILL DOG.

Chris: CHILL DOG OR KILL DOG.

KNOW HE WILL?

>> DEFINITELY A KILL DOG.

Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> DON'T BE SO SHORT.

[LAUGHING]>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

Chris: THAT'S -->> THAT'S BOTH.

Chris: IT'S NOT VERY CHILL TOTEA BAG A CAT.

THAT IS A KILL DOG.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> HE'S TRYING TO WARM -->> YES.

Chris: I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'SWHAT HE'S TRYING TO DO.

>> THE CAT LOOKS LIKE A RUG.

Chris: YA.

>> HOW WAS HE SUPPOSE TO KNOW.

KREUFPL I DON'T KNOW.

>> CHILL.

hris: I'M INTERESTED TO SEEHOW YOU CHILL IN YOUR LIFE.

>> Chris: WHY ARE YOU PUTTINGYOUR BUTT ON MY FACE.

>> YO, I'M CHILL.

Chris: MOVING ON.

THIS BEAUTIFUL BEAR DOG.

DOES HE CHILL OR KILL?

YES, DEREK.

>> THIS DOG IS CHILL.

Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> AHHH.

Chris: YES.

BECAUSE -- GOD FORBID THE[BEEP] FILMING THAT COULDN'T

STOP TO HELP THE CAT.

MAKE THE DOG DO IT.

FINALLY WE HAVE A PAIR OF PUPS.

A CHILL DOG OR A KILL DOG.

DEREK WATERS.

>> I HATE TO SAY IT THERE ISGOING TO BE A KILL DOG.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS

BOTH.

YOU GET POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT HOW KENDRICK LAMAR WAS

BOOTED FROM A COLUMBUS, OHIO,WEDDING AFTER CRASHING THE DANCE

FLOOR, AND I ASKED YOU TO ACTLIKE AN OUT-OF-TOUCH UNCLE AND

KICK A WORLD FAMOUS MUSICIAN YOUDON'T KNOW OUT OF YOUR NIECE'S

WEDDING.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

KNOW HE WILL.

>> TAYLOR SWIFT, YOU AND YOUR19 MODEL FRIENDS LOOK NICE,

YOU'RE NOT EATING THE FOOD BUTIT'S STEFANIE'S DAY.

WAIT ARE YOU WRITING A SONGABOUT MY HUSBAND.

>> Chris: DEREK.

>> LISTEN, MR. COOL J., I DON'TCARE IF YOU'RE GOING TO KNOCK ME

OUT OR GO BACK TO CALI.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO WAIT, AREYOU THE GUY FROM LIP-SINC

BATTLE?

IT'S THE GUY FROM LIP-SINCBATTLE.

>> Chris: PERFECT.

>> MY FAVORITE SHOW.

Chris: HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> I LOVE YOUR HAT MR.ER IF HEWILL.

I'M SURE YOU'RE A NICE BOY BUTWE'RE RACIST HERE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SO -- I MEAN ...

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR "A WINGAND A PRAYER AND A PACK OF

MENTHOLS."

A FLORIDA WOMAN WAS JUSTARRESTED AFTER SHE CALLED 911 TO

SEE IF THEY WOULD BE WILLING TOSWING ON BY AND BRING HER

CIGARETTES AND CHICKEN WINGS.

LIANN WATSON WAS THEN BROUGHTDOWN TO THE LAKE COUNTY

SHERIFF'S OFFICE WHERE THEYSNAPPED THIS MUGSHOT OF THE

GEICO LIZARD WITHOUT HIS MAKEUP.

THIS WAS A BLATANT MISUSE OF 911RESOURCES!

CENTRAL FLORIDA RESPONDERSPROBABLY HAD A LOT OF OTHER

EMERGENCIES TO DEAL WITH THATWHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK CAME IN

FOR A CALL.

>> HELP I'M IN FLORIDA.

>> HELP I LOCKED MY BABY ANDKEYS IN THE TRUCK.

I NEED A RIDE TO WORK.

>> MY BABY ATE MY METH AND NOW I GOT NO METH

Chris: POINTS. HEATHER ANCAMPBELL.

>> IT'S ME GEORGE ZIMMERMAN.

IS JEFF IN.

>> Chris: HEATHER ANNE CALCAMPBELL.

>> I'M HERE TO REPORT A GANGRAPE.

I MEAN SPRING BREAK.

>> MY CONFEDERATE FLAG CAUGHTFIRE AT A CROSS BURNING AND I

DON'T HAVE THE RECEIPT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DEREK WATERS.

>> HELP, HELP, MY BROTHEROVERDOSED AND PISSED HIMSELF.

I NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE APICTURE.

>> Chris: HEATHER ANNE CAMPBELL.

>> THERE IS A JEB BUSH IN MYGARBAGE CAN.

>> Chris: I THINK HE'S -- I'MNOT SURE I THINK HE'S [BEEP] ALL

THE RACCOONS.

>> HE LOOKS REAL DESPERATE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: CAN I FEED HIM OR NOT?