Hannibal Goes to a PETA Protest

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 07/22/2015

Hannibal tempts vegans at a PETA protest, interviews the shark that ruined a surfing competition and enjoys a musical performance from Thundercat and Open Mike Eagle.

Object to all of the animals in captivity.

Hi, how are you?

Good. How are you?

We're protesting the useof animals in circuses here.

So, I hope you guys don't planon going to any animal circuses.

No, I don't like the circus.It stinks.

Would youconsider yourself

the Black Panthersof animal protesting?

You know what I'm saying?

I would say it's the civil-rights movement for animals.

The civil-rights movementfor animals?

Yes, I think Martin Luther Kingwas an inspiration,

and if we could be theMartin Luther King for animals,

why not, you know?

What?!

If you could be reincarnatedas any animal,

what would you be?

I'd probably choosethe wolf.

Well, if you were a wolf,you would be eating sheep.

No, I'd probably make friendswith the baby lambs.

So, you're saying you would be,like, a vegan wolf?

I'd probably bea vegan wolf, yeah.

All right.

You ought to trythat good vegan diet.

You'll noticea difference.Yeah?

Yeah, the ladieswill notice a difference

without you pointing it out.I swear to you.

My performanceis top-notch.

Oh, yeah? Well, imagine takingit to even the next level.

There's not many womenthat can handle that.

I eat absolutelyno animal products.

Animals thinkother animals are delicious,

so why shouldn't I thinkthat they're delicious?

You know, pigs aresmarter than dogs.

That's why they taste great --'cause they got a better diet.

They taste so good.

Is a palatemore important

than the lifeof a sentient being that's born?

Yes. Yes.

Well, then,you're not someone

I would ever ask to haveas a friend.

And I probably wouldn't want tospend time with you, either,

'cause you'd be like,"Why are you eating that?"

You'd keep sayingstuff like --

No, I live with two meat-eatersmy entire last four years,

and you can callany one of them.

I never questionedwhat they did.

I have respectfor people.

Wait.You have roommates?

So, you don't thinkthere's a couple elephants that,

despite the abuse, they getout there, they see the people,

like,"It's my time to shine"?

Absolutely not.

VoilĂ ! You know what?

[ Laughter ]

If you could come backas an animal, what would you be?

I used to want to be a dolphin,but you know,

I don't know if you're awareof the Taiji Cove.

No.

You guys need to seethe documentary "The Cove."

I haven't even watched"Game of Thrones" yet.

I can't get intodolphin documentaries.

Dolphins rape sometimes.Have you googled that?

Yeah, I have, actually.

You're trying to protectthe dolphins?

Trying to protectthe dolphins, yeah.

Yeah, you got to getyour morals together, man.

Why? Why?

You single now?

I am not single.

I actually datethe elephant here.

You date the elephant?Yeah.

Do you all ever do furry stuffwith that costume,

or would that bedisrespectful?

[ Laughs ]That's a little weird.

Elephants are cool,but not in the bedroom.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you want an elephantin the streets,

and a coyotein the sheets.

Would you eat a plate of baconfor $10 million?

No.

What?!

Somebody offered you$10 million, would you eat eggs?

No, I wouldn't eat eggsfor $10 million.

You wouldn't eat eggsfor $10 million?

I wouldn't eat eggsfor $10 million, no.

I don't believe you.

A McNugget on a private jetfor $25 million?

No, no.

$12 million -- one pieceof Whole Foods Chilean sea bass.

No.

Would you eat a piece of chickenfor $50 million?

I think I would have to be presented with the money

and know that that was real.

[ Bell dings ]

HANNIBAL:Yeah, so, it was a good day.

I learned a lot about the abuseof animals in the circus.

I learned a lotabout vegan culture.

Very informative day.

[ Laughter,cheers and applause ]

I don't know if you saw this,but on Sunday,

there was a surfing eventin South Africa

called the J-Bay Open.

During the competition, a sharkattacked surfer Mick Fanning.

ANNOUNCER #1:Last season -- as you look atFanning in the rankings --

[ Announcer #2 gasps ]You can seea little splash.

Oh!

Holy [bleep]Excuse me.

That was crazy.

And after the attack,they canceled the competition.

Why'd they cancel itwhen the real competition

was just getting startedright there?

I wanted to see that.

Surfing without sharks is likethe NBA without dunking.

It's the same game,but it's not nearly as exciting.

You needs them.

Well, I'm happy to tell you guys

that I was able to pulla few strings, call in a favor,

and I scoredan exclusive interview

with that shark.

Please welcome to the showthat shark, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay.

All right, man, what's up?What's up, man?

So, what happened out there?Tell me about it.

Looks like you gotyour ass kicked, man.

See, here we go again.

Everybody's sayingI got my ass kicked.

For the last time,I didn't get my ass kicked.

I was chilling with my girl,eating a little sea bass,

and she says, "You hear that?"I said, "Hear what?"

She says, "That."I say, "What?"

So, I go check it out.

I see the dude, so, you know,I just tug his leg a little bit

to make it look like I'm doingsomething to make my girl happy,

and he punches me in the backa few times as I'm leaving.

No big deal.

So, he punches youin the face and --

No, he punched mein the back.Okay.

Punched me in the backas I was leaving.

Don't make the story worse, man.What you doing?

He punched me in the backlike a sucker.

But you still let himget away with it.

He whupped your asson international television.

Come on, man.

First of all,I don't even have an ass.

I don't -- Can you pleasestop saying he whipped my ass?

Respect the physical makeupof my species, playboy.

And second of all,those punches didn't hurt.

It felt likea massage, baby.

There's a sectionof the shark community

that is speculatingthat you may be vegan,

and that's whyyou didn't eat that dude.

What do you got to sayabout that?

I'm not vegan.

Listen, I didn't eat himbecause it's too easy.

He's just sitting here.I don't eat surfers.

I prefer a challenge.

Now, a water skier or aparasailer, I'd get in that ass.

It's way more fulfilling.

All right, interesting,interesting.

And one more thing, man.

I don't wantto bring race into this,

but I don't like the tasteof Australian white men.

That's racist, dude.What do you eat?

I like Polynesian women.That's my thing right now.

So succulent.

So succulent. Mmm.

You know, Shark,this event has inspired me.

I'm thinking abouttaking up surfing

so I can run into youand whup your ass one day.

Yeah, whatever, man.

I'm getting real mad at youright now, Hannibal.

I thought you wasa respectable journalist.

You're just a hack, man.

Do yourself a favor, man.

Don't even come around me

'cause I'll make sure youand your entire family

are never able to step footon the beach again!

I'm tired of this bull[bleep]I'm out of here, man.

Take yourwaterproof microphone.

Peace.