Monday, February 9, 2015

  • 02/09/2015

Emo Philips, Greg Proops and Mary Lynn Rajskub learn about Toronto's phallic transit map, list #SexierMagazines and write porn scenes for the elderly.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)

PERFECT. ALL RIGHT.

THERE IS A PHOTO OF A NEWTRANSPORTATION AUTHORITY MAP

THAT PEOPLE ON THE INTERNETFIND FUNNY FOR SOME REASON.

I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIGDEAL IS, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP

ME OUT AND SEE WHAT IS GOINGON.

JACK, CAN YOU PUT THAT UP ONTHE SCREEN?

I DON'T KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, I GET IT.

I GET IT.

THIS FONT IS WAY TOO SMALL TOSEE FROM A DISTANCE.

WHAT WAS THE TRANSITY AUTHORITYEVEN THINKING IN TORONTO?

I MEAN COPPER PLATE GOTHIC?HILARIOUS.

WAIT. OH, JACK IS TELLING MEIT ALSO LOOKS LIKE A GIANT

DICK.

OKAY, I GUESS I KIND OF SEETHAT.

THEN I WOULD HAVE THAT LOOKED ATFOR SURE.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOME OFTHE STOPS ON THIS BUS LINE,

EMO.

>> YOUNG AND FIRST.

>> CHRIS: THOSE ARE STREETS INTORONTO.

THAT'S A BRILLIANT JOKE,POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)

(GREG PROOPS SNORTS)

>> CHRIS: YOU SNORTED.

MARY LYNN.

>> CHRIS THIS BUS ACTUALLYSTARTED AT PIPER PARK AND GOES

ALL THE WAY UP AND DOWN SHAFTAVENUE ALL DAY.

REALLY UNTIL THE DRIVER GETSTIRED.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, ALL RIGHT,POINTS.

BUT, JUST -- HE'LL STOP FORSEVEN MINUTES AND THEN DRIVE

AGAIN.

>> IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE ME FROMTHE REAR.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: YEAH. I CAN CONFIRMTHIS.

IT REALLY DOES.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TODAY "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED"RELEASED ITS ANNUAL SWIMSUIT

EDITION WHICH IS--

SHUT UP.

WHICH IS NO NOTEWORTHY FORFEATURING ITS PLUS SIZE

MODEL, ROBYN LAWLEY, THAT'SAWESOME.

THAT IS CONSIDERED PLUSSIZED?

>> REALLY?

THAT'S JUST THE RIGHT SIZE.

>> OH, YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

THE ANNUAL SWIMSUIT ISSUE OF THEMAGAZINE'S BIGGEST OF THE

YEAR, BRINGING IT 10 TO 15 TIMESMORE THAN NORMAL.

IT SEEMS THAT THE STRATEGY TOHELP A STRUGGLING MAGAZINE

TO SELL MORE COPIES. PEOPLELIKE BOOB'S MORE THAN THEY

LIKE SPORTS, APPARENTLY.

SO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SexierMagazines.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BENAKED PEOPLE.

OR FORBESSKIN.

OR TIME TO [BLEEP].

I'M GONNA PUT -- NO, I'M TOTHE-- THAT'S JUST A MAGAZINE.

WE'RE TO THE GOING TO[BLEEP] RIGHT NOW.

YOU WERE GENUINELY BUMMED.

I'M REALL -- I APPRECIATE THAT.

I'LL [BLEEP] YOU GUYS LATER.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND BEGIN.

MARY LYNN.

>> GISMOPOLITAN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMO.

>> SATURDAY DAY EVENINGPOST-COITAL.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> THE NEW PORKER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

GREG.

>> HORSE AND PUSSY HOUND.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> NATIONAL PORNOGRAPHIC.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

EMO.

>> GUNS AND AMMO AND DUCTTAPE AND LUBRICANT.

>> CHRISL POINTS.

GREG.

>> BONE APETITE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MARRY LYNN.

>> IN TOUCH INAPPROPRIATELY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAYAUDIO QUIZ.

AUDIO QUIZ.

I WANT YOU GUYS JUST TO HEAR OURPHOEBE FROM OUR LEGAL

DEPARTMENT.

PLAY THE AUDIO QUIZ SOUND DROP.

>> AUDIO QUIZ.

>> CHRIS: SO GOOD.

SO GOOD.

SCIENTISTS AND DOCTORS ANDOTHER BRAINY TYPES SAY STARING

AT A COMPUTER SCREEN ALL DAY CANDAMAGE YOUR EYES, SO WE DECIDED

TO GIVE YOUR EYES A REST ANDDAMAGE YOUR EARS.

I'M GONNA PLAY YOU A SHORT CLIPOF SOMETHING WE FOUND ON THE

INTERNET, AND FOR 250 POINTS, IWANT YOU TO BUZZ IN AND TELL ME

WHAT YOU THINK WE'RE LISTENINGTO.

FIRST UP, THIS UNEARTHLYSQUEAK.

>> CHRIS: YES, GREG.

>> AN EWOK AUTO EROTICALLYASPHYXIATING ITSELF.

>> CHRIS: OH. YUB NUB.

MARY LYNN.

>> NEIL YOUNG'S NEW ALBUM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THE ANSWER IS--

(AUDIENCE AWs)

>> OH MY GOD.

>> IT IS FEEL YOUNG'S NEWALBUM.

>> CHRIS: UP NEXT, THIS EARCANDY.

>> I CAN'T KILL IT RIGHTNOW.

I'M ON TELEVISION.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: OH ARE YOU HEARING --THAT'S NOT, UM --

I'LL JUST GO AHEAD AND GIVEYOU POINTS.

LET'S GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

IT'S FINE, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.

NO, IT'S FINE.

WE'RE GOOD. WE'RE GOOD.

MARY LYNN.

>> DOLPHINS HAVING'S RAPBATTLE.

>> THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

>> THEY'RE VERY SMART,THEY'RE REALLY SMART.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

THE ACTUAL ANSWER IS--

THAT'S A SILENT HILL AUDIOGLITCH, BUT THIS WAS THE THING

TALKING TO EMO, SO I THINKWE'RE --

NEXT ONE, THIS GRAMMY WINNER.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT WHAT IS IT?

GREG.

>> A SQUEAKY TOY BEINGEUTHANIZED.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. MARY LYNN.

>> A PLUNGER IN AN ARBY'SBATHROOM.

>> CHRIS: WAIT, THEY DON'T SIGNFOR THE SHOW, RIGHT.

>> PLUNGERS.

>> CHRIS: OH, THEY I DO A LITTLEBIT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST MAKINGROOM FOR MORE DELICIOUS ARBY'S

IN THE BATHROOM.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS --

>> OH.

>> CHRIS: THAT WAS SHOENICE22EATING 10 FRIED EGGS.

LAST ONE, HOW ABOUT THISWIND INSTRUMENT.

>> CHRIS: MARY LYNN.

>> PAULA DEEN GETTING AMPED TOTWICE BAKE A DEEP FRIED PIG.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

EMO.

>> IT'S FROM THE DUTCH GAMESHOW SMOTHERING FOR DOLLARS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I HAVE TO SAY THE ACTUALSOUND WAS EMO PHILIPS FIRST

TAPED PERFORMANCE IN 1983.

>> I SAID, FILL HER UP!

THE GUY SAID REGULAR?

I SAID, NO LIKE THIS: URRGGHHH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THAT WAS GOING TO BEMY SECOND-GUESS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU A INDIVIDUAL YOF ELDERLY

CITIZENS WATCHING VIRTUALREALITY PORN AND ASKED YOU

TO COME UP WITH A THEME FORAN ADULT MOVIE DESIGNED

SPECIFICALLY FOR THEM.

LET'S SEE YOU WHAT WROTE.

GREGORY PROOPS.

>> WINSTON CHURCHILL WADDLESOUTSIDE AND BEATS IT ON THE

BEACHES AND LANDING GROUNDS.

HE BEATS IT IN THE FIELDS ANDIN THE STREETS AND IN THE HILLS.

TIL IT FLLS INTO THE GRIP OF THEGESTAPO.

>> CHRIS: WELL, I MEAN, IT WASSEXY AND HISTORICAL.

(APPLAUSE)

EMO.

>> AM IMPOTENT, OR DID WE JUSTDO IT?

>> CHRIS: PERFECT.

MARY LYNN.

>> PUT DOWN THOSE PECANSANDIES.

I'M YOUR COOKIEST AND I'MGOING TO [BLEEP] YOUR

HEARING AID SO HARD YOURPENIS WILL BE JEALOUS.

>> CHRIS: NICE.

AS WEJUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME,

ROBOTATOULLIE, ROBOTATOULLIE.

THEY WERE RIGHT, ROBOTSARE HERE TO TAKE OUR JOBS.

MAD SCIENTISTS AT THE UNIVERSITYMARYLAND TEACHING ROBOTS TO

PREPARE MEALS BY SHOWING THEMYOUTUBE COOKING VIDEOS.

>> THIS IS ONE OF THEPROJECTS THAT WE WORK ON.

ROBOTS ARE OBSERVING HUMANSPERFORMING TASKS.

>> CHRIS: I HOPE THE ROBOT CANUNDERSTAND WHAT THE [BLEEP]

THAT GUY JUST SAID.

EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE MADE OUTOF ROBOT, THEY'RE STILL

PRETTY DUMB.

SO UNTIL SINGULARITY ARRIVESTHEY HAVE TO DO WHAT WE TELL

THEM.

SUCK IT, ROBOT.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO --

>> YEAH.

I WANT TO YOU COME UP WITHPOTENTIAL NAMES FOR A

RESTAURANT RUN BY A ROBOTCHEF.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MARY LYNN.

>> BASKIN ROBOTS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

GREG.

>> DOMO ORIGATO MR. SABARO.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

EMO.

>> CRACKER BARREL USED AS A TORSO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> KFC3PO.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS. SO GOOD.

EMO.

>> I-HUNGRY.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

GREG.

>> TIN HORTONS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

MARY LYNN.

>> DINKIN DOUNUTS ANDBOLTS.

>> CHRIS: YES, ALL RIGHT, I WILLGIVE THAT TO YOU.