Fat Cuz

  • Season 3, Ep 3
  • 06/12/2012

The guys enlist Adam's obese cousin to get a handicapped parking pass.

- SHE'S BEEN DEADMAYBE TEN MINUTES.

- LIKE HEAD CHOPPED OFF.

- NO, SHE DIED OF, LIKE,NATURAL CAUSES.

- I'D DO IT, MAN.

SHE WAS CUTE AS HELLIN COMMANDO.

I'D SHOW HER WHO'S THE BOSS.POISON HER IVY.

- WHOA. SOMETHING'S UP.

- GUYS, WE'VE BEEN BOILER ROOMED.

TELAMERICORP WAS JUST A SHELLOF A COMPANY.

ALICE PROBABLY FELTSOME HEAT FROM THE FEDS, RIGHT?

SO SHE PACKED UPIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

THAT MAKES ME VIN DIESEL.

- OOH, I'M GIOVANNI RIBISI.

- OH, I'M LIKE A SCOTT CANN-JAMIE KENNEDY COMBO DOGGIE THEN.

- JAMIE KENNEDY, MAYBE.I FEEL THAT EXPERIENCE.

[cell phone rings]

- HELLO?

[whispers]IT'S ALICE.

OKAY, LET'S TALK.

WHAT'S THE VIGTO GET IN ON YOUR GAME?

- WHY AREN'T YOU HERE YET?[snaps fingers]

- WHY AREN'T WE WHERE YET?

- OH, CHRIST, YOU'RE ATTHE OLD OFFICES, AREN'T YOU?

WE MOVED OFFICESOVER THE WEEKEND.

IT'S ALL I'VE TALKED ABOUTFOR WEEKS.

- GUYS, WE MOVED OFFICES.

- OH, YEAH, I TOTALLY FORGOT.- YEAH, UM, ALICE...

- OH, WAIT, WAIT, LET ME--

HEY, ALICE, SO WE'RE DONEWITH THE OLD OFFICE, RIGHT?

WE'RE NEVER GOING BACK?

- YEAH, NEVER.NOW, GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE

AND GET TO WORK, PLEASE.

- OKAY, THANKS, ALICE.

YOU SOUND LIKEYOU'RE LOOKING GOOD TODAY.

[pounding rock music]

OH, YEAH!

[all shouting]

- ♪ DESTROY

♪ DESTROY

- I FEEL LIKEI'M AT A GARTH BROOKS SHOW.

- KICK IT.HE'S TALENTED.

[all shouting]

[laughter]

[cell phone rings]

- HELLO?OH, HEY, ALICE.

HOW ARE YOU?WHAT'S UP?

- HEY, IF YOU'RE STILLAT THE OFFICE,

CAN YOU LET THE INSPECTOR IN?HE'S LOCKED OUT.

I DON'T WANT TOPISS HIM OFF

AND NOT GET THE $8,000SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK.

- UM, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU MUST HAVEMISUNDERSTOOD US.

WE ARE NOT AT THE OLD OFFICE.

WE ARE WATCHINGTHE OLD OFFICE, THE TV SHOW,

ON AN iPAD IN THE CARON THE WAY TO THE NEW OFFICE.

- WHAT? HELLO?

DO WE HAVE IN THIS OFFICE?- THAT A TRICK QUESTION?

- [silly voice]WE HAVE BUT ONE.

- OOH, I'M GONNA TALKLIKE THAT TOO.

ALAS, THERE ARE BUT TWOHANDICAP PARKING SPOTS,

WHICH IS ARITHMETIC,MILADY.

- YEAH, YOU DO THE MATH.HMM?

- ALICE, WHAT THEY'RE TRYINGTO SAY IS THAT

THERE'S NO SPOTS OUT THERE

FOR NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE US,ALL RIGHT?

SO I'M OUT THERE,PARKED ON THE STREET,

AND WHAT, I'M SUPPOSED TO,WHAT,

MOVE MY CAR EVERY TWO HOURS?

- THAT'S STUPID.- GET REAL.

- ACT REAL, ALICE,'CAUSE GUESS WHAT.

WE'RE HERE EVERY DAY AT 10:00.OKAY, MAYBE 10:02.

BUT WHEN WE GET HERE, THEPARKING LOT'S ALL PACKED OUT,

AND WE'RE S.O.O.L.

- SO WHY DON'T YOU JUSTSCRATCH OUR BUTTS A LITTLE BIT

AND GIVE US THE BONUSHANDICAP PARKING SPOT, OKAY?

- FIRST OF ALL,WORK STARTS AT 9:00.

YEAH. AND SEE THIS?

THIS IS ME MAKING A NOTE

OF GIVING YOU THAT SPOT.

"GIVE PARKING SPOT TO IDIOTS.CHANGE TAMPON...KILL SELF."

- UHH, CHANGE TAMPON--GRODY.

- THAT'S NOT FUNNY.DON'T KILL YOURSELF.

- HEY, ANDERS...- WHAT? HANG ON.

- IF YOU'RE PARKEDON THE STREET,

THERE'S A GUY OUT THEREWRITING TICKETS.

- MOVE IT! MOVE IT!- SEE?

- [whispers indistinctly]

- WHAT? MY YOGURT?

IN THE BREAK ROOM?OH, MY GO--

I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK.ABOUT TO CATCH ME A CASE.

YO, LET'S GO!

YOU DON'T EAT A MAN'S YOGURT.THAT'S ALL I CAN EAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?I'M ON A DIET.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

SOMEONE EATIN' MY YOGURT.- FIGHT?

- I WILL KILL A MANRIGHT NOW.

- WHO'S FIGHTING?IS SOMEONE FIGHTING?

FIGHT! FIGHT!FIGHT! FIGHT!

- YOU CAN'T BE SNACKIN'ON MY SNACKS LIKE THAT!

- GIMME THE NEWS, NOTTHE DICK BREATH, YA BUTT SLUG!

I'LL EAT WHAT I WANT!- YOU GOT NO RESPECT

FOR ANOTHER MAN'S LIVE CULTURES.

WE ABOUT TO GET IT ON!

- OKAY, LET'S GO!

[all shouting at once]

- GET OFF MY COUSIN!

- GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!- WATCH IT, DUDE.

- OKAY, WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON IN HERE?

- LISTEN, LADY,WHY DON'T YOU JUST--

[charming Muzak plays]

WHY DON'T I APOLOGIZETO EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM

FOR WHAT I JUST DID--TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR.

I'M SORRY, EVERYONE.

- SURE. GREAT.WHAT ARE YOU?

- HE'S MY COUSIN![laughter]

- OF COURSE HE IS.

- AND SINCE WE'RE HIRING,I FIGURED HE'D BE

A GREAT MEMBEROF THE SALES TEAM, RIGHT?

PLUS, HE'S A LOCAL HERO.- YEAH. HE SURE IS.

JUMPED IN FRONT OF A FIRE TRUCK,SAVED A LITTLE GIRL'S LIFE.

- MISS, I PROMISE YOUI WILL GIVE YOU MY BEST,

AND I WILL DELIVER.

- ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER,BUT YOU THREE

ARE RESPONSIBLEFOR TRAINING HIM.

AND IF HE DOESN'T DELIVER,IT'S ON YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?COME ON, LET'S GO!

- HE ATE MY YOGURT.- TEAM DEMAMP!

YES. AW, DUDE, WE JUSTGOT YOU A JOB. TEAM DEMAMP.

I JUST WANT A FAIR SHAKE!

CAN I JUST GET A--YOU!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT.I'M GONNA RIP YOUR TITS OFF

AND USE 'EM AS CEREAL BOWLS!YOU GET ME?

- [audio slowed]THE CLEANERS!

- HOLY [bleep]!

ARE YOU OKAY? THAT WAS INSANE!- THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.

- THAT WAS INSANE!- OH, WE THOUGHT WE LOST YOU.

- I DON'T THINKTHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN, BUDDY.

- OH, MY GOD![guys gasp]

- WHO NEEDS A LEGWHEN ALL YOU WANNA DO IS

EAT DORITOSAND WATCH BRAZZERS ALL DAY?

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