Eminem & Jeff Goldblum

  • Season 2, Ep 28
  • 03/16/2004

Eminem wants a tattoo for his 10-year-old daughter, and Jeff plans a surprise birthday party.

( phone ringing )

>> Dos Amigos and Cantina.

>> ¿Como esta? ¡El yay!

Me llamo Eduardo Especial.

>> Well, you got, you got me.

>> Hablo Inglés, por favor.

>> I don't understand Spanish.

>> Uno.

>> Who?

>> Uno.

>> Uno. One.

>> Dos.

>> That's two.

>> Tres.

>> That's three.

>> Cuatro.

>> I know the numbers.

>> ¡Cuatro!

>> That's four.

>> ¡El yay!

Cinco.

¡Cinco!

>> Five.

>> ¡El yay!

Uh, seis.

>> Who is this?

>> Elduardro Especial.

Uno.

>> One.

>> ¡El yay!

Dos.

¡Dos!

>> Dos Amigos.

>> ¡El yay!

Tres.

Señorita, you go.

¿Tres?

>> Well, señorita, she's not

here.

>> ¡El yay!

Señorita, you go.

Uno, dos, tres.

Go!

>> Okay.

>> Go!

>> Now, uh, I don't need to do

this.

>> Go!

Goooooooal!

( phone disconnects )

¡El yay!

( thud )

( growling )

( gunshot )

( sobbing )

Ca

( phone ringing )

>> This is Jeff.

>> Hi.

Uh, this is Jeff Green talking.

Um, you're the mobile DJ people,

right?

>> That's right.

>> Oh, I'm so excited.

Listen, um, my son is having,

uh, his 15th birthday.

>> Yes, sir.

>> I'll tell you, first of all,

the most important thing about

this is that you keep it under

your hat.

It's, uh, because I'm telling

you, this kid of mine, Isaac, he

finds out everything.

>> Hold on one second.

Jackie's the one that takes care

of the scheduling and I don't

want to tell...

>> Please, don't even tell

Jackie, you know, about this

thing.

Now that we've talked, I mean, I

think the more people we tell...

'Cause I'm telling you, this kid

is a... is a spy and he'll find

out about it somehow.

>> Tell me your address, if you

don't mind.

>> Yeah, I'm going to have my

wife call and get all that

stuff.

I'm just, I-I'm, like, I'm

running around here so I just

wanted to make sure that

you're... you're the guys

because I hear you're just so

great.

>> That's right.

>> Thanks, man.

>> Thanks.

Bye-bye.

>> Don't tell a soul.

>> No problem.

( phone disconnects )

( phone ringing )

>> Hi, this is Jeff.

>> Jeff?

>> Yeah.

>> Uh, hi, this is Jeff Green.

>> Hey, I just talked to you

earlier.

( laughing )

>> I know, I know.

You're a talkative guy.

>> Tell me what's happening.

>> Well, you tell me what's

happening.

Do you remember the main point

that I asked for the party?

>> Yes, I remember.

>> What was it?

>> Is to keep it a surprise.

>> Yes!

What happened?

>> What do you mean, "What

happened?"

>> ( sighs ): For God's sake.

Isaac, uh, found out.

>> Not from us.

>> There was a leak somewhere

and this is the only place I

told.

>> As I said before, nothing

happened here.

>> Did you tell Jackie?

>> I didn't tell Jackie.

I gave her the sheet of paper

and I said, "This person calls

back, I need to talk to them."

>> With "surprise party" written

on it possibly?

>> Possibly.

>> But you didn't specify, you

didn't specify.

>> I did.

It's on the sheet of paper.

>> Oh, she opened her mouth and

now he's crying a river of

tears, sir.

That's what's happening.

Oh, for God's sake.

>> Can I help you with this?

>> Help me?

Yes, erase his memory.

>> Sir...

>> Okay, here's the deal.

Uh, I want you to play the party

for free, that's first of all.

>> No.

>> What?!

Listen... my family is in

shambles.

My wife is probably going to

leave me over this.

She gave me one task.

She said, "You put on the

birthday party and for God's

sakes, make sure it's a

surprise..."

( door opens, closes )

Did you hear that door slam?

That was my wife leaving.

I think she left me.

This is turning out to be quite

the day.

By the way, do you do bar

mitzvahs?

>> Oh, sure.

>> Oh, you do?

I... ( clears throat )... have

enjoyed working with you in the

past and I'd like to use you

again.

It's a surprise bar mitzvah and,

uh, I think it could be fun.

I don't need to say don't tell

anybody about the bar mitzvah

party, okay?

>> Yes, sir.

Can you tell me your address?

>> And then I'm planning a

surprise party for myself, but

you'll, under no conditions be

able to tell me, is that

possible?

Could you do that?

( phone disconnects )

( dial tone )

( hangs up phone )

( boy crying )

( crying continues )

( phone ringing )

>> Hello?

>> Hi, my name is Cammie.

>> Hi.

>> And I am calling...

Do you have a moment so I can

ask you a quick question?

>> Sure.

>> Okay.

This is totally random.

I just picked your name out of

the phone book.

I just started dating a Jewish

man and I don't know any Jewish

people and I'm calling you to

just ask you a few questions

because I'm meeting his parents

tonight and I have no idea how

to act.

>> Oh, okay.

Are his parents, like, ultra

religious or are they...?

>> They're... they're pretty

religious, yeah.

>> So, they may not even wear,

like, hats or little hats and

things.

Are you going to, like, a Friday

service at their house?

>> It's not a service, I guess.

It's some kind of a dinner or

something.

>> So, this is just going to be

a regular meal, like a family

meal.

>> Okay, let me just write this

down: "no funny hats."

>> No, I mean... I mean, they

don't wear hats.

>> Oh!

>> So, if the men don't wear

hats, then they're not very

orthodox.

>> Then they're not that Jewy.

Now, I think I've heard them

speak in tongues and I don't

know, is that something that

they're going to make me do?

>> Jews don't speak in tongues.

That's the Pentecostal.

They may speak in Hebrew.

>> Oh, Hebrew.

>> They may pray in... say a

prayer in a different language.

>> Okay, I heard a lot of ...

( guttural hacking )

>> Yeah, that's Hebrew.

>> Okay.

I've heard, like, people refer

to Jewish noses are schnozes.

Is that complimentary?

>> You wouldn't use it.

It's like an in-group joke among

themselves, you know?

>> Okay.

>> You wouldn't.

>> Okay, so, it's, like, okay,

so they can say it, but I can't.

>> Pretty much.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Especially first meeting.

>> Okay.

What's a putz?

>> I don't know.

>> Okay.

Have you ever...

I haven't-- this is really

personal-- but we haven't, like,

been really physical yet and I

heard that they get...

"circumvised," or something.

>> Yes.

Jewish men get circumcised, but

most men do.

>> Really?

>> In the hospital, if you were

to have a boy baby, the

pediatrician does it.

>> Okay, so, it's not like he's

missing half his penis?

>> No, no, no.

>> Okay.

And do they have horns?

Because I haven't found any on

my boyfriend.

>> Now, what do you think?

This is ridiculous.

How old are you?

>> I'm 24.

>> Well, come on.

( laughs )

>> I've never met a Jew in my

life.

I know it sound ridiculous.

I literally...

>> Yes, you have, you just

didn't know that.

>> Huh.

So, like, they're just living

around us? Just...?

>> All around you.

>> I swear to God, 'cause I see

so few people with big noses and

beady eyes that I just never

would've known.

>> Not all Jews have large

noses.

>> He does-- he has a honker.

But I like it.

I think it's sexy.

>> Mmm.

>> I know he doesn't mix meat

and dairy-- is it wrong to put

whipped cream on his penis?

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