Comedy Central Presents
Season 4

CC Presents: Greg Behrendt

  • Season 4, Ep 7
  • 01/14/2001

YEAH.

B-E-H-R...

(LAUGHTER)

E-N-D-T.

YEAH.

GREG BEHRENDT.

AND IT'S AN AWESOME LAST NAME.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE I ALWAYS KNOW WHEN

PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SOLICIT ME

OVER THE PHONE.

YEAH.

I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO

SELL ME STUFF UP OVER THE PHONE

BECAUSE THEY SCREW IT UP.

"HI, MR. BEHENDAHURT."

"OH, NO."

CLICK.

"HI, MR. BERNNAUGHT."

"BERNNAUGHT?

OH, NO."

CLICK.

ONE TIME SOMEBODY SAID,

"HEY, MR. MENDERMINT."

MENDERMINT?

THOSE AREN'T EVEN MY LETTERS.

AND DO YOU SPEAK CLICK?

NOW, LOOK, FOLKS.

I KNOW THAT IF YOU'RE IN PHONE

SALES, YOUR LIFE DIDN'T PAN OUT

THE WAY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD.

(LAUGHTER)

I KNOW THAT IF YOU SELL THINGS

OVER THE PHONE, THE DREAM WENT

AWRY SOMEWHERE.

AND YOU'RE WORKING IN A SWEATBOX

TRYING TO MAKE QUOTA SO YOU CAN

BUY SOME SPEED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HONOR YOUR PROCESS.

I DO.

BUT IF YOU CAN'T SAY THE NAME,

SKIP IT.

JUST SKIP IT.

DON'T SAY IT.

MR. BAHEND-- DON'T TRY WITH

MR. BAHENDERHURT.

FORGET IT.

HE WILL NOT BUY FROM YOU.

YOU HAVE HURT HIS FEELINGS...

TODAY.

THAT'S WHY I WAS VERY SURPRISED

WHEN I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM

THE L.A. TIMES.

I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD.

'CAUSE THE PHONE RINGS.

AND I PICK IT UP, AND I GO,

"HELLO."

AND THIS GUY'S VOICE COMES ON

THE LINE, AND HE GOES, "GREG?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SAY, "YES," FOR THAT IS

INDEED WHAT I AM ALSO CALLED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEN HE DOES THIS WEIRD

THING.

HE GOES, "HEY, MAN.

IT'S EDDIE."

(LAUGHTER)

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW AN EDDIE.

YOU KNOW?

BUT HE SAID IT IN THAT WAY THAT

MAKES YOU GO, "OH, HEY.

HI-- HI, EDDIE.

HEY, IT'S EDDIE."

(LAUGHTER)

SO THEN HE GOES, L.A. TIMES.

NOW, HERE'S WHAT A LOSER I AM.

I THINK "HE MUST BE CALLING TO

INTERVIEW ME."

(LAUGHTER)

SO THEN HE SAYS, "DO YOU HAVE A

SUBSCRIPTION?"

OH, MAN.

BUT I DID, SO I SAID, "YES,

EDDIE.

I HAVE A SUBSCRIPTION."

AND THEN HE GOES, "SUNDAYS?"

AND I SAID, "YEAH, SUNDAYS,

TOO."

AND THEN HE GOES, "(BLEEP)."

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY

(BLEEP).

THEY READ FROM A SHEET.

IT TELLS THEM WHAT TO SAY!

SO I WAS SO SURPRISED THAT HE

DID THAT, THAT I REPEATED IT

BACK.

I GO, "(BLEEP)?"

AND HE GOES, "YEAH, DUDE.

I CAN'T SELL (BLEEP)."

(LAUGHTER)

SO NOW I GET TWO COPIES OF

THE L.A. TIMES.

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE ANYBODY THAT'S A BAD ASS

OR A BAD BOY.

I ALWAYS APPRECIATE THOSE

PEOPLE.

I HATE FAKE BAD BOYS, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I HATE PEOPLE THAT PRETEND TO BE

BAD ASSES AND WHATNOT.

YOU KNOW HOW WE HAVE ALL THOSE

BOY BANDS; RIGHT?

LIKE 'N SYNC AND BACKSTREET

AND L.F.O., 98 DEGREES.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT IN EACH

ONE OF THOSE BANDS THERE'S,

LIKE, A DESIGNATED BAD ASS?

(LAUGHTER)

THIS GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO

DONNY WALLBERG AND THE NEW KIDS,

YOU KNOW?

YEAH.

RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

HE'S LIKE THE BAD ASS OF THE

GROUP.

HE'S LIKE THE ONE THAT GONNA--

LIKE IF THEY GET INTO SOME KIND

OF SCOOBY-DO SCRAPE, HE'S THE

ONE THAT'S GONNA GET 'EM OUT.

YOU KNOW?

HE'S THEIR TOUGH GUY.

AND THEY ALL KIND OF LOOK THE

SAME.

THEY HAVE THE FACIAL HAIR AND

THE EARRINGS AND THE TATTOOS.

YOU KNOW?

THEY GOT THE HAT ON BACKWARDS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT

URBAN, TOO.

THEY'RE ALWAYS THE ONES GOING,

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BOY.

YEAH.

WE'RE BRINGING IT.

BACKSTREET'S IN THE HOUSE."

"OH, LOOK OUT.

BACKSTREET'S IN THE HOUSE.

LOOK OUT.

HOW SCARY."

"YEAH, BOY.

YEAH.

YEAH, BOY.

YEAH."

(APPLAUSE)

"YEAH.

BRING IT HERE."

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

WHAT IS THAT "YEAH?"

WHAT IS THAT?

WHEN DO YOU DO THAT IN LIFE?

"YEAH, BOY, YEAH."

STOP IT.

"YEAH.

I'M BRINGING IT."

YEAH."

"STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU, A CRAB?"

"YEAH.

I'M A CRAB.

YEAH.

YEAH."

"STOP DOING THAT."

"YEAH."

I SAID "STOP."

"YEAH."

STOP.

HERE'S MY POINT.

I DON'T CARE, UM, LIKE HOW MANY

EARRINGS YOU HAVE OR TATTOOS OR

HOW BIG YOUR MUSCLES ARE OR YOUR

GOATEE OR YOUR HAT ON BACKWARDS,

YOUR BAGGY PANTS, YOUR ATTITUDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AT THE END OF THE DAY IF YOU

STILL HAVE TO GO...

"OH, YEAH."

YOU'RE NOT A BAD BOY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GOT TO ADMIT THAT.

I'M NOT A TOUGH-- I'M NOT A BAD

ASS AT ALL.

I'M BARELY A GUY.

I SWEAR.

I'M LIKE A GUY FOR TWO REASONS:

I'M KIND OF BIG AND I LOVE

WOMEN.

AND THEN AFTER THAT, FORGET IT.

I AM NOT CAPABLE.

I AM NOT THRIFTY.

I CAN'T FIX IT.

I CANNOT FIX IT.

"OH, GREG WILL FIX IT."

"NAH.

THE HELL HE WILL.

HE CAN'T."

I DON'T HAVE THAT GUY GENE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND TOOLS.

I CAN'T FIX IT.

FOR AS MUCH AS I KNOW ABOUT

BEING A GUY, I MIGHT AS WELL GO

TO A TOOL STORE, A HARDWARE

STORE WEARING A TIARA.

YOU KNOW?

"HI.

DO YOU HAVE A BANG-BANG-BANG

TO PUT THAT POINTY THING IN FOR

THE-- I NEED A GRAB-HOLD AND A

TWISTY BECAUSE I'M PUTTING UP

SOME-- HELP-- CURTAINS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO--"

I'M NOT GOOD AT BEING A GUY.

I'M NOT A CAR GUY.

I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT CARS.

I MEAN, I LIKE 'EM.

I'LL GO TO A CAR SHOW WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL GO LOOK AT CARS,

BECAUSE I THINK THEY'RE

BEAUTIFUL TO LOOK AT.

AND I LIKE LOOKING AT THE

INTERIOR AND ALL THAT STUFF.

BUT YOU OPEN THE HOOD AND START

TALKING ABOUT "THAT'S GOT A

DUAL-HEAD CAMMY..."

YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY, "BANANA,

BANANA, BANANA."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE (BLEEP)

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)

I NEED TO LAY DOWN UNTIL YOU SAY

SOMETHING ABOUT A KENNETH COLE

SHOE SALE.

THAT'S GOT MY ATTENTION.

YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT DADDY LIKES.

YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)

BUT I AM A GUY IN THE-- IN THE

WAY THAT I WON'T ASK FOR HELP.

I WON'T ASK FOR HELP.

YOU KNOW HOW I GET STUFF DONE?

BY DOING IT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

THAT'S HOW I GET STUFF DONE.

I'M WORKING--

I'M LIKE...

UNTIL A FRIEND JUST GOES,

"DUDE, STOP.

KNOCK IT OFF.

STOP.

JUST STOP.

STOP.

SERIOUSLY.

GO GET US SOME SANDWICHES.

KNOCK IT OFF.

THAT'S-- JESUS, GREG.

THERE'S BLOOD ON YOUR STEREO.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

THEY'RE JUST SPEAKERS."

YOU SHOULD ASK FOR HELP.

I FINALLY HAD TO ASK FOR HELP

WHEN I GOT A COMPUTER, BECAUSE

NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO HELP YOU

WITH YOUR COMPUTER.

YOUR FRIENDS CAN'T HELP YOU WITH

YOUR COMPUTER.

YOU GOT TO CALL SOMEBODY.

AND I WAS ALWAYS-- I WAS NEVER

LIKE A COMPUTER GUY.

I WAS ALWAYS LIKE, "YEAH, I'M

NOT THAT INTO COMPUTERS.

I'M NOT A 'COMPUTER GUY'."

AND AT THIS POINT IN TIME,

THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "YEAH, I'M

NOT THAT INTO THE PHONE.

NO.

NO, I'M NOT.

I'M NOT A PHONE GUY.

NO, NO, NO."

NO.

WHEN I WANT AIRLINE TICKETS,

I WRITE.

MM-HMM.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I WAS VERY SURPRISED WHEN I

FINALLY DID CALL FOR HELP THAT I

ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT.

THE PERSON THAT HELPED ME OUT

WAS GREAT.

I CALLED.

I HAVE AN APPLE, AN I-MAC,

WHICH IS VERY COMPUTER-LIKE.

AND, UM-- NO.

IT'S GOOD.

IT'S GOOD...

WHEN IT WANTS TO BE.

SO I CALLED UP THE APPLE HELP

LINE.

AND THE PEOPLE THERE WERE

UNBELIEVABLE-- LIKE SUPER.

LIKE I WAS ALWAYS EMBARRASSED,

YOU KNOW?

I HAD TO ADMIT THAT I DON'T KNOW

HOW TO DO SOMETHING.

I NEVER HAVE, BUT WHY SHOULD I

HAVE TO ADMIT IT?

SO I CALL UP AND SAID, "I'D LIKE

SOME HELP."

AND THE GUY WAS SO NICE,

YOU KNOW?

HE SAID, "HI, GREG.

HOW'S IT GOING TODAY?

SUPER GOOD.

SUPER GOOD.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE HAVING SOME

TROUBLE WITH YOUR COMPUTER.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE REAL GOOD.

IT'S GONNA BE SUPER GOOD.

GREG, I NEED TO YOU TAKE A LOOK

AT YOUR SCREEN.

THAT'S THAT BIG GLASS THING

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YA."

(LAUGHING)

"OH, GREG, THAT IS A JOKE WE

TELL.

IT SAYS HERE YOU LIVE IN

CALIFORNIA.

THAT'S GOT TO BE NICE.

OKAY.

I'M GONNA HAVE YOU GO OVER TO

YOUR CONTROL PANEL.

THE CONTROL PANEL, YEAH.

I'M GONNA HAVE YOU OPEN UP YOUR

MODEM.

CAN YOU SAY 'MODEM'?

SAY 'MODEM'."

(LAUGHTER)

"MODEM?"

"OH, ISN'T THAT NEAT?

WHAT A NEAT WORD: MODEM.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU OUT."

OH, MY GOD, THE GUY WAS SO

GREAT!

WHAT A GREAT GUY.

WHAT AN AWESOME GUY.

I WISH I HAD THAT GUY'S VOICE IN

MY HEAD ALL THE TIME.

WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME,

JUST FOR LITTLE STUFF.

JUST FOR SIMPLE-- YOU KNOW,

"ALL RIGHT, GREG.

WE'RE GONNA PUT OUR SHOES ON

NOW."

OKAY.

OKAY.

SLOW DOWN.

SLOW DOWN, GREG.

AND GO TO SOCKS, FIRST.

WE'LL PUT OUR SOCKS ON FIRST.

THEN WE'RE GOING TO PUT ON OUR

SHOES.

SUPER GOOD."

I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS.

I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.

I WISH I WAS SKINNIER, THOUGH.

GOD, I WISH I WAS THIN.

RIPPED.

I WISH I WAS THIN AND RIPPED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT MY GOAL IS?

170.

THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO BE.

170.

THAT'S MY GOAL WEIGHT.

RIGHT NOW I WEIGH AROUND--

ABOUT 183, 185-- LIKE 190.

I'M LIKE 190.

OKAY?

WHATEVER.

THAT'S COOL.

IT'S GOOD; IT'S GOOD.

I'M WORKING OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

GOD, I'D LIKE TO GET TO 170,

JUST RIPPED, JUST SIX-PACK,

JUST COOKING, JUST RIPPED.

RIPPED.

RIPPED.

OH, MAN.

RIPPED.

RIPPED LIKE JESUS.

YEAH.

YES.

YES.

JESUS WAS RIPPED.

AM I WRONG?

NO.

YOU'VE SEEN THE PICTURES.

RIPPED!

SIX-PACK, RIPPED.

WHY WOULDN'T HE BE?

HE'S THE SON OF GOD.

HE'S NOT GONNA BE WALKING AROUND

GOING, "OH, I'VE GOT BACK FAT

TODAY.

I'M SO PUFFY.

OH.

OH, I HATE BEING JESUS.

YOU THINK I COULD LOSE SOME

WEIGHT.

I'M THE SON OF GOD.

I'VE BEEN KEEPING IT

HIGH-PROTEIN.

ALL I EAT IS FISH.

COME ON!"

RIPPED LIKE JESUS.

JUST RIPPED LIKE IN THAT KIND

OF, YOU KNOW, BRAD PITT "FIGHT

CLUB" ABERCROMBIE & FITCH

CATALOG, RIPPED; YOU KNOW?

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE GUYS?

THEY'RE SO RIPPED THAT THEY HAVE

THAT KNOBBY THING HERE, THAT

POPS OUT.

OH, I WANT THAT.

I DON'T HAVE-- THIS IS NOT IT?

THAT'S NOT IT?

NO.

NO, THAT'S ALL GENES.

I DON'T HAVE THAT THING THAT

POPS IN AND THE ASS THAT POPS

OUT LIKE A MELON.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NEVER GONNA GET THERE,

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I LOVE (BLEEP) FOOD.

OH, GOD, I LOVE IT.

I MEAN THE (BLEEP) THE BETTER.

"CAN YOU DEEP FRY THE BACON?

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU DEEP FRY IT?

(APPLAUSE)

CAN YOU?

I'D LOVE IT IF YOU WOULD.

DEEP FRY THE--"

I WILL EAT ANYTHING THAT IS DEEP

FRIED.

YOU DEEP FRY THIS CHAIR,

I'LL TAKE A WHACK AT IT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU PUT MAYONNAISE AND BACON ON

MY FIST, I'LL TAKE A BITE.

OH, GOD!

BUT WORSE, WORSE THAN GREASY

FOOD, I LOVE SWEETS.

OH, GOD, SWEETS.

CAKE, CAKE, CAKE, CAKE, CAKE.

HAVE YOU EVER JUST THOUGHT--

JUST THINK ABOUT CAKE FOR A

MINUTE.

OH, IT'S A MIRACLE.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO GOOD.

I WILL GO ANYWHERE IF YOU SAY

THE PHRASE "THERE MIGHT BE

CAKE."

"MIGHT."

NOT EVEN DEFINITELY.

THERE "MIGHT" BE CAKE.

I'LL GO TO THE D.M.V.

I'LL REGISTER YOUR CAR IN

SPANISH.

LET'S GO!

THERE MIGHT BE CAKE!

OH, THAT CAKE IS MUY BUENO.

OH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

HERE'S MY FAVORITE, THOUGH.

READY?

THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING OF

ALL.

READY?

THE CADBURY EGG.

OH.

OH!

THE CADBURY EGG.

GEEZ.

A CHOCOLATE, CREAM-FILLED EGG

WHEREIN THE CREAM IS MADE TO

LOOK LIKE THE INSIDE OF AN

ACTUAL EGG.

IT'S LIKE A TOY.

IT'S LIKE A FOOD AND A TOY!

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S SO GOOD.

AND THE PEOPLE AT CADBURY

DECIDED TO GO AHEAD AND MAKE TWO

DIFFERENT, OTHER FLAVORS:

CHOCOLATE AND CARAMEL.

OH, GEEZ.

AND BECAUSE THEY ONLY COME ONCE

A YEAR, AT EASTER-- RIPPED LIKE

JESUS AT EASTER.

AT EASTER.

AT EASTER.

THAT'S WHEN THEY COME.

THAT'S WHEN THE CADBURY EGG

COMES.

SO I AM TALKING TO SOME

FRIENDS-- OR SOME SO-CALLED

FRIENDS-- AND I SAY, "OH,

MY GOD.

IT'S ALMOST EASTER.

YOU KNOW THE CADBURY EGG IS

COMING."

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY FRIEND-- OR SO-CALLED

FRIEND-- SAYS, "YEAH.

HMM, I DON'T REALLY-- I DON'T

REALLY LIKE THE CADBURY EGG."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT?"

"YEAH. I DON'T CARE FOR IT TOO

MUCH.

IT'S KIND OF, UM-- THEY'RE

HEAVY, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE TOO BIG.

I WISH THEY MADE THEM SMALLER.

THEY'RE TOO BIG."

"TOO BIG?

TOO BIG?

MY FRIEND, I WISH THEY WERE

SO BIG THAT YOU HAD TO PUNCH

THROUGH THE CHOCOLATE SHELL

TO GET THE CARAMEL OUT.

I WISH THEY WERE SO BIG YOU HAD

TO OPEN THEM LIKE THE HATCHBACK

OF A CAR AND FLIP THEM OPEN SO

THEY MAKE TWO GIANT,

BATHTUB-SIZED CARAMEL BATHTUBS

THAT YOU GOT IN AND ATE THE

CARAMEL OUT.

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU

(BLEEP).

GET OUT!"

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

OH, I HAVE LESS FRIENDS,

BUT I HAVE MORE CADBURY EGGS.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GETTING MARRIED IN TWO

WEEKS.

(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

(SIGHING)

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

CAKE!

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

WHAT DO THEY HAVE THERE AT THE

END?

A GIANT CAKE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST

5 MINUTES?

CAKE!

GOD, IT'S SO SIMPLE.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

A HUMAN-SIZED CAKE AT THE END.

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I LOVE YOU, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

WHOOSH!"

(APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD SOME

AWFUL RELATIONSHIPS.

AWFUL.

WELL, WHO HASN'T?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHO HASN'T HAD SOME BAD ONES?

BUT HERE'S A COUPLE THAT I LIKE

TO TELL ABOUT.

YOU EVER GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY

AND THEN YOU BREAK UP WITH THEM,

AND THEN AFTER YOU BREAK UP WITH

THEM YOU REALIZE THAT YOU SHOULD

HAVE BROKEN UP WITH THEM

WAY EARLIER?

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS THE STORY OF THE VERY

FIRST SIGN THAT I SHOULD HAVE

GOTTEN OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

THAT I STAYED IN FOR TOO LONG.

I MET THIS GIRL.

WE FELL IN LOVE.

AFTER A BRIEF COURTING PERIOD,

WE MOVE IN TOGETHER.

AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR A

COUPLE OF DAYS SHE SAYS--

ALL RIGHT, A COUPLE OF WEEKS--

A COUPLE OF DAYS, A COUPLE OF

WEEKS.

WHO KNOWS?

IT WAS ALL CRAZY AND IN A BLUR.

AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR A

COUPLE OF WEEKS, SHE SAYS--

AND I AGREE-- "LET'S GET

GOLDFISH.

THAT'LL BE KIND OF FUN."

I GO, "OKAY.

WE'LL GET SOME GOLDFISH."

HOW BAD COULD THAT BE?

(LAUGHTER)

SO WE GET THESE GOLDFISH,

AND WE GET THEM HOME.

AND WE GIVE 'EM CUTE LITTLE

NAMES.

SHE NAMES HERS SCOUT.

I NAME MINE PAPERCUT.

THEY'RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FISH.

MINE'S FAT, SITS AT THE BOTTOM

OF THE BOWL AND JUST STARES.

JUST...

(LAUGHTER)

BUT HER FISH IS KIND OF CUTE.

IF YOU GET NEAR THE BOWL,

IT SWIMS TO THE SURFACE OF

THE WATER AND GOES...

(MAKING FISH NOISES)

LIKE IT CAN SEE YOU, LIKE IT

KNOWS YOU'RE THERE.

YOU KNOW?

THEN MY FISH KILLS HER FISH.

IT TURNS OUT HER FISH IS

ACTUALLY SWIMMING TO THE TOP OF

THE WATER GOING, "HEY!

THIS OTHER FISH IS TRYING TO

KILL ME.

PLEASE COME HELP!

OH, I'M A FISH.

I COULD USE SOME HELP."

BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY DON'T HAVE

VOICES, SO I JUST KEPT FEEDING

IT.

"WHAT?

I DON'T-- WHAT?"

MY GIRLFRIEND COMES HOME AND SHE

IS UPSET, LIVID, PISSED.

NOT AT ME.

AT MY FISH, AT MY FISH FOR

KILLING HER FISH.

AND SHE STARTS SCREAMING AT MY

FISH GOING, "YOU WILL RUE THE

DAY!"

FISH DON'T KNOW WHAT "RUE"

MEANS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

SO SHE SAYS TO ME-- AND I SWEAR

TO YOU THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE--

SHE GOES, "I'M GONNA PUNISH YOUR

FISH."

(LAUGHTER)

"PRAY TELL HOW, MY SWEET?"

SO THIS IS WHAT SHE DID.

SHE TOOK THE GOLDFISH IN THE

BOWL, PUT IT IN THE CLOSET,

LOCKED THE DOOR.

LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN, 'CAUSE

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT TAKING

THE JOURNEY WITH ME.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE JOURNEY.

SHE TOOK THE GOLDFISH IN THE

BOWL.

SHE PUT IT IN THE CLOSET.

THEN SHE LOCKED THE DOOR.

LOCKED THE DOOR.

SHE LOCKED THE DOOR.

LOCKED IT.

LOCKED THE DOOR.

YES.

YES.

LOCKED IT.

IT'S A GOLDFISH IN THERE,

NOT A COUGAR.

GOLDFISH.

LOCKED THE DOOR.

OOH.

I STAYED WITH HER FOR 6 YEARS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHY?

RIPPED.

ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, THOUGH,

I USED TO IDOLIZE ROCK STARS.

I USED TO IDOLIZE THEM.

AND I THINK THAT'S A MISTAKE.

DON'T IDOLIZE ANYONE, IF YOU

CAN.

YOU KNOW, BE INSPIRED BY PEOPLE,

CERTAINLY, BUT DON'T IDOLIZE

PEOPLE, BECAUSE THEY'LL LET YOU

DOWN.

THIS IS MY STORY.

I USED TO IDOLIZE STEVEN TYLER

OF AEROSMITH.

YEAH.

RIPPED.

AND, YET, NOT THAT MUCH, LIKE

JESUS.

REALLY.

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

STEVEN TYLER, A LITTLE BIT

CRAZY.

BUT SOMETIMES THEY'LL LET YOU

DOWN.

I'M READING AN ARTICLE WITH

STEVEN TYLER IN DETAILS

MAGAZINE A LITTLE WHILE BACK AND

IN IT HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW FOR ME,

IT'S STILL ABOUT THE 3 M's.

MONEY, MUSIC, AND MMM-(BLEEP)."

(LAUGHTER)

COME ON, MAN.

REALLY?

FOLKS, DON'T GOT ME WRONG.

I THINK MMM-(BLEEP).

SURE I DO.

I THINK IT ALL THE TIME.

I HOPE I THINK IT TILL THE DAY I

DIE.

I REALLY DO.

I HOPE I THINK IT UNTIL THEY

COME TO UNPLUG ME.

IN FACT, I HOPE THE NURSE THAT

COMES TO UNPLUG ME IS HOT AND MY

VERY LAST THOUGHT IS,

"MMM-(BLEEP)."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT I STOPPED SAYING IT OUT LOUD

AT AROUND 20.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT JUST MAKES ME LOOK LIKE THE

SWEATY DATE RAPE GUY BY THE KEG.

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S AN UNSAVORY FELLOW TO BE.

BUT, DARN IT, STEVEN TYLER

SAID IT YESTERDAY, FOR ALL

INTENTS AND PURPOSES; RIGHT?

I MEAN, HE SAID A LITTLE WHILE

AGO.

I MEAN, HOW OLD IS STEVEN TYLER?

55?

60?

70?

HE'S AN OLDER GENTLEMAN, ISN'T

HE?

HE'S AN OLDER GUY.

HE SHOULDN'T BE SAYING THAT.

GEEZ.

HE'S AT LEAST AS OLD AS MY

FATHER.

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

FOLKS.

IF MY FATHER IS WALKING AROUND

GOING MMM-(BLEEP), HE'S THINKING

ABOUT EATING THE CAT.

THANK YOU.

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