Bern, Comin, Rogell

  • Season 2, Ep 0206
  • 05/17/1993

At first, I-- At first, Iwasn't going to host the show.

You know, when theyasked me to do the show,

I said, you know, forget it.

It sounds like one of thosebrick wall meat grinder comedy

shows, where they geta bunch of comics.

Those shows cheapen theartist, and, you know,

it crushes individuality,and exploit his creativity,

and rob him of hisdignity, you know.

And-- and then the ComedyCentral people told me,

well, you know, we're notgoing to use a brick wall.

We're going to havea fancy backdrop.

And so that made mefeel pretty good.

And then theysaid, oh, well, you

know, this showwill be different,

because you'll be the host.

And that'll give it a eh,eh-- you know how they--

And I like to have my buttkissed as good as the next guy.

But I said, you know, I-- I--I don't-- I don't think so.

Those shows take a bunchof brave, young comics

and turn them intoa parade of losers.

And, well, and then--and then, finally,

they explained one thingthat they didn't think that I

probably understood-- and itturns out I didn't-- that if I

was the host, the host paycheckswould all be made out to me.

I could spend themoney however I wanted.

And then I began to see howthis show could be different

and, you know, better.

Vive la difference!

I said to myself.

I-- I-- screamed it in myroom, and I signed the papers.

And that's what brings us here.

And I was able to get some ofmy friends to come on the show,

because I have, like, theseterrible memories of coming

home from highschool and college.

Remember those summer jobsyou had to get every year.

Yeah, one year I come home.

I'm a little late.

All I can get is a jobworking behind a deli

in a grocery store.

Every day, the most of obnoxioussuburban housewives with voices

very similar to my own--yeah, that's very funny.

Um-- they come-- you know,they come in the deli,

and they would scream at me,(NEW YORK ACCENT) Sweetheart,

I want two poppy, two sesame,and a cinnamon raisin.

And is that cottage cheese?

I said, no, it's just areflection of your thighs,

you fat dinosaur.

Now leave me alone.

I grew up withtwo older sisters.

I was always competing with mymiddle sister, who's, like, one

of these extremely smart people.

You know what I mean?

Like-- like, a complete flake.

Great with the books.

Put her out in thestreet, she's helpless.

Do you know what I mean?

For example, she's readingAbraham Lincoln's biography,

and I wanted to talk to herabout it, so I said to her,

well, did you get to the partwhere he gets assassinated?

And she goes, oh, great.

Thanks a lot.

I put her to sleep.

You know, hey.


But I-- you know, I moved out.

I came to New York City.

I love being a New Yorker.

How many New Yorkers do wehave here by clapping hands?

How many New Yorkers?


Thank you for your enthusiasm.


No, I love being a NewYorker until I travel,

and I tell peoplewhere I'm from.

OK, this is a true story.

I was in Cleveland, and Itold this woman, you know,

I said to her, wherecan I go after the show

to have a good time?

She goes, um, well,don't go downtown.

It's very dangerous,very desolate.

There's a lot of drugs.

Then she goes, oh,you're from New York,

so it probably reallywouldn't bother you.

Like we walk in our offices,going sorry I'm late.

Raped and beaten again.

Boss is like, really?

Sally here, she wasshot this morning.

She managed to get here on time.

but I'm also a Jew, sothere's like a chance

in hell I'll ever be happy.

I'm not very religious.

Jews have, like, a bunch oftraditions I don't follow,

like they're kosher.

Between you and me,quite frankly, I'd

like to walk intoa rabbinical school

and pull, like, theFolgers commercial.

We've replaced theveal chops with pork.

Let's see if they notice.

I, uh-- I, um-- I'm actually--Actually, I just got engaged.

I'm about to marry a Gentile.

And that makes my parents dead.

Yes, thank you very much.


Double Jeopardy coming up next.


No, I mean, I love him to death.

It has never botheredme that my fiance

is not Jewish until a week ago.

We were home.

We're doing thecrossword together.

The clue is a Hebrew month.

Four letters.

He writes July.

Now we're, like, alreadyarguing over the wedding.

We're already arguing,you know, over the music.

Now, let me ask you.

When you have aparty-- I don't care,

any party-- what kindof music do you have?

Dance music, right?

Music you dance to, right?

Dance, right?

Guess what kindof band he wants.

He wants a blues band.

What am I supposed toserve at the wedding?

Wienies and antidepressants,is that it, huh?

Wienie, Prozac?

Prozac, wienie, wienie, Prozac?


I don't even know howwe're-- I don't know

how we're going to get married.We have no money.

We've no money.I'll be honest with you guys.

I'm really going toput myself out here.

Last month, I had toborrow $500 from a very

good friend of mine.

And which it's really weird,because she lends me the money.

Three days later, she calls meup freaking out about her job,

and at one point,threatens to kill herself.

And all I can think of is,why are you telling me?

I owe you $500.

I mean, what am Isupposed to say?

Don't do it?

Thank you very much.

It's very depressing.

I, uh-- I feel likeI'm falling apart here.

Just, uh, fallingapart to pieces.

You guys look so sophisti--I-- I'm just a mess.

Can you guys see this up here?

Head, folks.

Used to be hair.

Over here, same deal.

This was all hair.

This was hair here.

This was all hair here.

This whole delta regionhere-- my whole forehead

was just covered withfurry, lush growth.

The whole thing.

These aren't even eyebrows.

This is the high tidemark of my hairline.

You guys are nice.

This could be atough job sometimes,

because all the stories youtell have to be good stories.

You know?

You ever been telling a storyin front of a group of people,

and you realize rightat the end of the story

that's it's areally sucky story.

So to make it better, youlie at the end, you know?

Spice it up a little bit.

Yeah, so we're waiting there,and Alex shows up 45 minutes

late, and he doesn'thave the keys.

And his head blew up.

It was, uh-- It was cool.

the week that the second RodneyKing trial verdict was due.

And it was just tension.

You'd actuallywould-be shoplifters--

would-be looters--window shopping.

You know?

Yeah, this is a great VCR here.

Now, on this VCR,where would you

keep the remote, say,if you were closed?

I could come back,you know, depending.

Coming back.

Actually we have aproblem right now

with skinheads in this country.

And I was talking aboutthis with my brother,

and he's neverheard of a skinhead.

I was trying to explainto him a skinhead

is someone who's veryracist, bitter, and bald.

He was like, ah-- like Dad?


I give my dad a lot of grief.

He's actually a great guy.

While we were growing up,he drove a street cleaner

for many years, whichis a pretty cool job.

The only trouble is that'sthe only car we had.

I used to borrow thecar for dates and stuff.


All right!


[makes buzzing sound]I could only go out

on Tuesdays andThursdays, you know.

So, uh, my dad's mad atme now because I missed

the big Easterdinner at the house.

You know, he has thewhole family over.

And every year, he hasthis huge dinner party,

and he has this giganticpainting of the Last Supper.

And he puts it up rightin the dining room.

And it's really huge,and it's really tacky.

It has like that fake 3Dcoating on it, you know.

It's like, every timeyou move your head,

Jesus is like, ah-- ah.

Thanks, Bob.

I shouldn't be sacrilegious.

I went to Catholicschool for eight years.

Anybody else?

A lot of you guys.


Did you have mean nuns?

They're mean nuns, aren't they?

Yeah, I got hit with a rulerfirst day of kindergarten.

For smoking pot.

Uh-- because if youbring it, you know,

you gotta bringenough for everybody,

because-- But they're very mean.

Isn't that-- isn't thata dumb thing to hit a kid

with a ruler who'sentering your religion?

You know, it's like,hello, little boy.

Welcome to our religion.

Your Lord is very lovingand very forgiving.

Eyes on your own paper!

It's like if you're toobitchy to be a meter maid,

you get to be a nun.

Actually, the worstpart is how they

try to sneak the religiousstudy into your curriculum.

The hokiest was mathand the word problems.

OK, class, now, now-- if oneapostle is heading north at 64

miles an hour, OK, and sayJudas is heading south at 83

miles an hour,who's your savior?

Oh, Christ.

Thanks a lot, you guys.

I was visiting my family.

And I was going through aphoto album that my mom had.


-Uh, you should dosomething about that.

That's-- that's very bad.

And I was goingthrough a photo album.

I found a letter thatI wrote to Santa Claus

when I was a littlekid that my mom saved.

Did you ever writea letter to Santa

Claus when you were a kid?So it was kinda cute.

So it was kinda cute.I brought it with me.

I'll read it to you.

Dear Santa, I'm not writing thisletter to ask you for any toys.

I know you won't give meany because I'm a Jew.

Your apparent lack of compassiontowards the Jewish community

is only a reflectionof a racist policy

of nonrecognition towardsthe state of Israel.

Eh, I was a kid.

I didn't know any better.

I hope you getclipped by a DC-10,

and you crash inthe Andes Mountains,

and you have to eat yourown reindeer to survive,

you fat Nazi bastard.

Eh, the hell with Santa Claus.

If he's such a big shot, howcome he has to work at Macy's?

I got a new tie.

You like this?


Oh, thank you.

I got it through the mail.

I had to send in aproof of purchase

from Kellogg's Fruit and Fiber,so I sent them a stool sample.

I live here in New York.

I live in a littlestudio apartment

on the Upper East Side.

I was thinking of gettinga dog to keep me company,

but I didn't think it would befair for the dog to be cooped

up in a tiny apartment inthe middle of a crowded city.

It'd be kinda cruel, you know?

Then I started thinking, whatthe hell am I doing here?

I'm living in a place Iwon't let a dog live in.

Tried jogging for the firsttime a couple of days ago.

And a lot of joggerstell you they

get a runner'shigh when they jog.

I'm not sure exactlywhat they mean by that,

but if they mean puking allover myself and collapsing,

that's easy.

Do you watch the NewYork City Marathon on TV?

I don't know whythey show that on TV.

It's so boring, you know?

They can really liven it upa bit to boost the ratings.

Change it into the NewYork City Triathlon.

Have it start in the SouthBronx around midnight.

You have to run for yourlife to the Hudson River.

Swim across toJersey, steal a car.

And then, for theendurance part of the race,

drive the car backto Manhattan, and get

it registered at theDepartment of Motor Vehicles.



I only get four minutes.

I love this city.

I was Greenwich Villagea couple of days ago.

I was visiting a friend of mine.

He kinda takes me on a littletour of the neighborhood.

We get to this certain street.

He goes to me, Gregg, anytime you see two guys walking

together around here,chances are, they're gay.

We're walking together.

Friend's an idiot.

He smokes three packsof cigarettes a day.

Won't quit, either.

His big excuse is, whyshould I quit smoking?

Anything can kill me.

I could be walking acrossthe street one day,

get hit by a bus.

I'm like, yeah, butmaybe if he quit smoking,

he'd be able to get across thestreet a hell of a lot faster.

I know a lot of idiots.

I know a guy-- drank half abottle of antifreeze once.

He died.

His last words were,is it warm in here?

So what else could Itell you about myself?

I'm a hypochondriac.

Well, at least that's what mygynecologist keeps telling me.


You ever say something, thenwish you could take it back?

Something like, yeah, I'm a Jew.

What are you skinheadsgoing to do about it?