Bern, Comin, Rogell
At first, I-- At first, Iwasn't going to host the show.
You know, when theyasked me to do the show,
I said, you know, forget it.
It sounds like one of thosebrick wall meat grinder comedy
shows, where they geta bunch of comics.
Those shows cheapen theartist, and, you know,
it crushes individuality,and exploit his creativity,
and rob him of hisdignity, you know.
And-- and then the ComedyCentral people told me,
well, you know, we're notgoing to use a brick wall.
We're going to havea fancy backdrop.
And so that made mefeel pretty good.
And then theysaid, oh, well, you
know, this showwill be different,
because you'll be the host.
And that'll give it a eh,eh-- you know how they--
And I like to have my buttkissed as good as the next guy.
But I said, you know, I-- I--I don't-- I don't think so.
Those shows take a bunchof brave, young comics
and turn them intoa parade of losers.
And, well, and then--and then, finally,
they explained one thingthat they didn't think that I
probably understood-- and itturns out I didn't-- that if I
was the host, the host paycheckswould all be made out to me.
I could spend themoney however I wanted.
And then I began to see howthis show could be different
and, you know, better.
Vive la difference!
I said to myself.
I-- I-- screamed it in myroom, and I signed the papers.
And that's what brings us here.
And I was able to get some ofmy friends to come on the show,
I was visiting my family.
And I was going through aphoto album that my mom had.
-Uh, you should dosomething about that.
That's-- that's very bad.
And I was goingthrough a photo album.
I found a letter thatI wrote to Santa Claus
when I was a littlekid that my mom saved.
Did you ever writea letter to Santa
Claus when you were a kid?So it was kinda cute.
So it was kinda cute.I brought it with me.
I'll read it to you.
Dear Santa, I'm not writing thisletter to ask you for any toys.
I know you won't give meany because I'm a Jew.
Your apparent lack of compassiontowards the Jewish community
is only a reflectionof a racist policy
of nonrecognition towardsthe state of Israel.
Eh, I was a kid.
I didn't know any better.
I hope you getclipped by a DC-10,
and you crash inthe Andes Mountains,
and you have to eat yourown reindeer to survive,
you fat Nazi bastard.
Eh, the hell with Santa Claus.
If he's such a big shot, howcome he has to work at Macy's?
I got a new tie.
You like this?
Oh, thank you.
I got it through the mail.
I had to send in aproof of purchase
from Kellogg's Fruit and Fiber,so I sent them a stool sample.
I live here in New York.
I live in a littlestudio apartment
on the Upper East Side.
I was thinking of gettinga dog to keep me company,
but I didn't think it would befair for the dog to be cooped
up in a tiny apartment inthe middle of a crowded city.
It'd be kinda cruel, you know?
Then I started thinking, whatthe hell am I doing here?
I'm living in a place Iwon't let a dog live in.
Tried jogging for the firsttime a couple of days ago.
And a lot of joggerstell you they
get a runner'shigh when they jog.
I'm not sure exactlywhat they mean by that,
but if they mean puking allover myself and collapsing,
Do you watch the NewYork City Marathon on TV?
I don't know whythey show that on TV.
It's so boring, you know?
They can really liven it upa bit to boost the ratings.
Change it into the NewYork City Triathlon.
Have it start in the SouthBronx around midnight.
You have to run for yourlife to the Hudson River.
Swim across toJersey, steal a car.
And then, for theendurance part of the race,
drive the car backto Manhattan, and get
it registered at theDepartment of Motor Vehicles.
I only get four minutes.
I love this city.
I was Greenwich Villagea couple of days ago.
I was visiting a friend of mine.
He kinda takes me on a littletour of the neighborhood.
We get to this certain street.
He goes to me, Gregg, anytime you see two guys walking
together around here,chances are, they're gay.
We're walking together.
Friend's an idiot.
He smokes three packsof cigarettes a day.
Won't quit, either.
His big excuse is, whyshould I quit smoking?
Anything can kill me.
I could be walking acrossthe street one day,
get hit by a bus.
I'm like, yeah, butmaybe if he quit smoking,
he'd be able to get across thestreet a hell of a lot faster.
I know a lot of idiots.
I know a guy-- drank half abottle of antifreeze once.
His last words were,is it warm in here?
So what else could Itell you about myself?
I'm a hypochondriac.
Well, at least that's what mygynecologist keeps telling me.
You ever say something, thenwish you could take it back?
Something like, yeah, I'm a Jew.
What are you skinheadsgoing to do about it?