Cotter, Royce, Ridley

  • Season 2, Ep 0216
  • 05/23/1993

to another edition ofthe "Two Drink Minimum."

I say hello again andanother edition as

though you've seen the showbefore and you know who I am.

If you're at home, you'reprobably flipping channels.

And for all you know,this is some infomercial

for some sort of butt lotion.

Or something.

I love-- I lovethose infomercials.

I want to be one of those guys.

You know, now much would youpay for all this butt lotion?

But wait, it also comes with itsown spring-loaded applicator!

Come to think of it,a lot-- a lot of you

are probably disappointedthat that's not what this is.

But don't-- I'vemade up that thing

about the spring-loadedapplicator.

Don't go changingchannels looking for that.

Anyway, this is not aninfomercial, which you should

know by the fact that I'mnot wearing a weird sweater.

And also, you'rewatching Comedy Central.

And well, if you don't know thatyou're watching Comedy Central,

then you don't know whatnumbers are what on your TV.

You might as wellchange to some channel

that you can understandlike that close ups

of custom jewelry channel.

Oh, look how shiny.

Anyway, if you haveseen the show before

and you do know whoI am, well, I'm sorry

and I hope you get yourlife straightened out.

Anyway, this is"Two Drink Minimum,"

I was on Oprah Winfrey once, butthe cops pulled me off of her.

And now she's pressing charges.

Kind of a faux pasis what that was.

This is my night job.

Everybody tells meto keep my day job.

I hate my day job.

I'm a bouncer at McDonald's.

Hey, hey, hey, McButthead.

They're too oldfor a happy meal.

Let's see some ID, fella.

Tell the grimace we'vegot trouble out front.

People are putting meback in a good mood.

I just had to have myChia pet put to sleep.

That kind of bummedme out a little bit.

I just spent all that moneyhaving him neutered too,

you know.

So uh, well, I caught himhumping my Wandering Jew.

And I couldn't have that.

So.

I'm going bald now.

This is no joy in my life.

I've actually become oneof these losers that combs

the hair from theback of my skull

up over the front of my head.

Yeah, that'll fool someone, Tom.

10 years from now, I'llbe combing my butt hair up

over my back and around my head.

Gee, Tom, is that dandruff.

No, it's white cloud.

Go to hell.

OK.

I'm a butthead.

Folks, you'reclapping at butt hair.

You need counseling.

OK?

Man.

My uncle's a cop.

He just died the line of duty.

He gagged on a doughnut.

That bummed me out.

And, uh-- You know whatwe have in New York?

This freaks me out.

You have cops on horseback.

This-- this kills me.

It's the '90s.

Your average drugdealer is driving

a Porsche 911 Turbo Carrera.

Mr. Ed is not aneffective crime deterrent.

(ACCENT) Pull over.

It's me, Dudley Do-Right.

Apparently you all got aproblem with Amish street gangs

here in the Big Apple.

All those drive-bypitch forkings

we've read so much about.

Last weekend I went to go seemy little niece's tap dance

recital.

I got thrown out.

All right, so maybe Ishouldn't have stuffed

those dollar billsin her leotard.

But she was good!

Very talented, my niece.

I'm not proud of that.

I got him stoned.

Did you ever getyour dog stoned?

Couple people needcounseling, good.

What I did is Icalled him over to me,

and I blew pot smokeright in his face.

He flipped up.

He went bolting out of the room.

He comes back into the room.

Five minutes later,he goes, Tom.

I heard a noise.

It's the dog catcher.

Where's my collar?

What about my rabies vaccine?

Dammit, I'm going to the pound.

I've gotta pee!

I've gotta pee!

[whimpers] I'mgoing to get humped

by a big Germanshepherd named Bubba.

He flips out.

He bolts out of the room.

He comes back into theroom 10 seconds later.

He's a completely different dog.

he just saunters upto me, goes, Tom.

Dude.

Could I have a Scooby snack?

I-- I always wantedLassie when I was a kid.

That was my dog.

That's the dog-- thatwas my dream dog.

When you're a kid, Lassie's god.

But then you get older,and you can't buy it.

You can't believe it.

Because Lassie neveracted like a real dog.

I saw a thousandepisodes of this program,

never once did I see Lassietake a dump on the lawn.

Come on!

Lassie, you're dog!

Lick yourself, will ya?

Sniff Timmy's crotch, once.

Do that walk and dragyour buttocks thing.

Come on, girl.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for beinghere in New York

City, one of thetoughest cities.

The most dangerous cityin the entire world,

don't you think so.

[booing]

-[laughs] It's true.

Well, the thing is,that's the thing.

Wherever I go,people try to claim

that their city islike more dangerous.

Like, that's some kind of agood thing all of a sudden.

Like I was inRochester, New York.

Exactly.

This guy comes out,he goes, hey man.

Let me tell you somethingabout Rochester.

Rochester has more crime percapita than New York City.

What are you supposed to say?

Hey, keep up thegood work, buddy?

All right.

You know.

I went to Boston.

This guy tried totell me Boston is

more dangerous than NewYork, which is wrong.

Um.

You go to Boston, theyactually have cash machines

that are inside oftheir subway stops.

Yeah.

Go down to the subway,use the cash machine.

Oh sure.

You know that's not exactlya tradition here in New York.

You know, I guess whenyou think about it,

we have cash machinesin our subway too,

you know, they'rejust called tourists.

That's all.That's all.

It's just different.

That's-- that's what ATM standsfor, ask tourist for money.

That's why it's like that.

It's a simple-- boy,you gotta be tough.

Got to lift weights,that's what I do.

Excuse me, I'll tell youwhen I get to the funny part.

No, I'm not like a weightlifter, like, technically.

You know, I do-- I'm kind ofmore of a weight-- weight-er.

I'm a waiter, really.

I come-- If I couldjust catch your order.

Thank you.

I-- you know, I workout for one reason,

because when I workout in the gym,

it makes the people aroundme feel so much better

about themselves,you know what I mean?

It's a service.

Think about it.

You're next to me, doing curls.

You look over at me.

Oh my god, I'm doingnew pretty good.

Look at that guy over there.

Holy cow.

People are walkingout of the gym.

See that guy inthe rowing machine.

He fell off and drowned.

What the hell's wrong with him?

He is not doing it right.

I can't do anything.

I tried the life cycle.

You ever do the life cycle?

You know, you'reon there for hours.

It's a stationary bicycle.

You pedal.

You go nowhere, for hours.

They should call thisthe get a life cycle.

It's for people who havenothing-- and it's so hard.

They put this video screen upthat's supposed to like take

your mind off what you're doing.

You're supposedto be cruising up

in the mountains or something.

I'm just sittingthere like [gasps].

I guess I got stuck in the snow.

I really know whathappened to me, everybody.

But they had to towme out of the gym.

I think that's a bad sign.

And they play theworst music too

when you're doing-- youknow, you're working out.

They play the mix stations.

I hate mix stations.

They only try to play too manysongs like don't fit together.

They trying to slam all thesedifferent kinds of music

together. "That was Anne Murray.

And now Anthrax."

Oh, well that should be good.

You go-- you go from like"Wayne's World" the Wayne

Newton's world in liketwo seconds, you know.

I like heavy metal.

Heavy metal, yeah?

You like it?

[cheers]

I like heavy metalbecause it's like always

nine songs on one album.

And they're alllike [beat sounds].

You know, but there'salways that one ballad,

where they get really sensitive.

So if you justlike that one song,

you have to buy some kindof single that's like "Girl

of my Dreams," then youflip it over-- "Nightmare

Bitch" Hey, what happened?

I guess (SINGING)I changed my mind.

It doesn't matter whatkind of music you like.

Everybody has thatone like album

or whatever in their collectionwhere you're just going

through it, and yougo, what the hell was I

thinking when I boughtthat one exactly?

How-- because your friendsalways get you on it.

Hey, what's this PartridgeFamily thing, man?

What is that?

Huh?

Box set?

I don't think so.

You know.

I like going to concerts too,but I can never get tickets,

you know.I call Ticketmaster.

You never get through,because there's

one guy who answers the phone.

That's all they have, you know.

I know this becauseI called him one time

and he picked up the phone.

He goes, hello, Iam the Ticketmaster.

Sorry you were onhold for so long.

I was out finding myarch enemy, Scalper Man,

which at least finallyan explanation.

That's all I hadto say about that.

We're trying to pickmusic out for my wedding,

because I'm gettingmarried in August actually.

Thank you very, very much.

You're-- believe me, theinvitations are on the way.

They are coming for everybody.

Oh, don't worry.

The worst thing about gettingmarried is a lot of my friends

just got married too.

And they're these young marriedguys who still have something

to prove, you know, like,married guys always brag

about all thewomen they could be

getting if they weren't married.

You know, we go into a bar.

Any woman walks by.

My friends are like,oh, man, check her out.

Let me tell you something, man.

Hey, if I wasn't married.

You're like, yeah, and shewasn't kissing that other girl.

All right?

Why don't you calm down.

Anyway, my name is Mike Royce.

City, a very, very fine city.

I like it here.

Although one thing has alwaysbothered me about New York.

It's probably the squeegeemen on every single street

corner in the city.

I mean, you drive inNew York in your car,

just minding your own business.

The second you stopat a stop light,

you're surrounded by these braindead zombies with Windex, who

want to wipe downyour windshield

whether you want them to or not.No choice in the matter.

That just-- I hate that.

Now sometimes when theseguys wipe down my windshield,

I get so pissed, I justwant to jump out of my car

and start likecombing their hair.

You know, just a little--Tit for tat kind of thing,

you know what I mean.

Sometimes they piss me off.

I'll mess up their hair.

I won't put and mousse in it.

That's what I'll do, becauseI'm that kind of a guy.

One of the greatthings about New York,

there are always so manywonderful restaurants to eat.

I went out with somefriends of mine last night.

I went to an Indianrestaurant for dinner.

That was kind of nice.

I've never been to anIndian restaurant before.

To tell you the truth,I never even thought

about going to an Indianrestaurant for dinner.

Because as far as I know,there is no food India.

So why bother, really?

What the-- What are they goingto do, bring your meal to you

in a little box marked UNICEF?

Is that how that--

AUDIENCE: Awww.

-Maybe air lift your mealin from another restaurant.

I don't quite know theprocedure with that.

I've got one more.

They--

[laughter]

They probably don'thave a kitchen

in an Indian restaurant.

They probably have like SallyStruthers in back making phone

calls, trying to getyour meal together.

No need to fight, man, I knowwhat's best for you people.

Thank you very much.

I had a nice time.It was a nice restaurant.

The only thing, there wasa guy sitting next to me

smoking all theway through dinner,

which to me is very annoying.

And I know some you ofyou might be smokers.

That's fine.

I can understand smoking.I don't like it.

I understand it.

But smoking while you're eating.

What is that?

You know the kind ofpeople I'm talking about,

take a bite of food,a drag on a cigarette?

What the hell is that for?

What is that, to giveyour food a nice hickory

smoked flavor whileit's going down?

[applause]

I think maybe it's forpeople who are just

too busy tobarbecue, that's all.

(GRUFF VOICE) Ah, justgive me some raw meat

and a pack of Camels.

I gotta go.

Come on.

My husband's waiting.

I gotta.

Come on.

I gotta go.

If you want to smoke,that's your thing.

But I'm a big non-smoker.

I really am.

I don't like being aroundsmokers when they're smoking.

Thank you.

[cheers]

I'm very adamant about it.

I really am.

I won't even kissa woman who smokes.

I refuse.

I-- well, I say that,but let's face it.

I am a man, and think we allknow as far as most men are

concerned, as long as there'sthat possibility of sex,

we'd pretty much kiss a girl whowas hunched over in the corner

shooting up battery acidwith a dirty needle.

But-- hey, don't get me wrong.

I'd use protection.

I'm not crazy.

You know.

Elbow pads, motorcyclehelmet, I don't care.

Sex is sex, butobey the helmet law.

That's my philosophy.

No, I don't smoke.I don't drink.

I don't do drugs.

And I like to stay clean.

I get into anargument all the time

with a friend ofmine about drugs.

Because nobody knows whatto do about drugs anymore.

My friend always says, youknow, if you legalize drugs,

people won't takethem anymore, which

I think is kind of astupid argument myself.

I think the only way peoplewould ever stop taking drugs is

if you make themlegal but to get them

you had to pick them up at theDepartment of Motor Vehicles.

[laughter]

[applause]

What do you mean gosit in the crack line?

I've been on thisline for two hours.

[laughter]

This sucks.

I'm going straight.

Forget about it.

So gays are upset,because they're

being banned from the military.

Maybe they're all upset aboutthat I don't quite understand

why they're bannedfrom the military,

they don't have to go to wars.

Isn't that a good thing?

I know if they still hadthat ban on black people

in the military, you wouldn'thear me complaining at all.

Quite frankly, I think thereshould be a ban on the military

on blacks, ongays, and on women.

Only whiteheterosexual men should

have to go to foreigncountries to get shot out.

What's the bad part?

[applause]

I'll take it a step further.

Only white heterosexualmen whose parents make over

$200,000 a year shouldbe allowed to-- That's

been a lot of fun.

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