Lounge Lizards: Nick Dipaolo

  • Season 1, Ep 0104
  • 05/09/2002

>> All right.

Nice to be here at Liberace's

yard sale.

This is beautiful.

So nice to be here, folks.

Vegas makes me want to sing.

I'm not going to.

That's where all the money is,

though, you know?

I don't know if you guys read in

the paper, the Gillette company

offered ZZ Top the rock group

six million bucks to shave their

beards on a national TV

commercial, and they turned it

down.

Hey, folks, for six million

bucks I'd let some guy with a

nervous condition shave my ass

with a bolo knife.

( laughter )

Yeah, give Katherine Hepburn

three cups of black coffee and

let her chase me with a weed

whacker for a half hour.

Are you kidding?

( imitating weed whacker )

And their quote in the paper

was, "Money isn't important.

It's our health that counts."

Anybody believe your health is

more important than money?

Not in this county.

No, no, ladies.

I don't see too many beautiful

women going, "Gee, should I

sleep with Bill in the Porsche

or Dave with low cholesterol?

( laughter )

Vegas.

Great, isn't it, huh?

They give you free booze while

you gamble.

You know why?

Because it messes up your

judgment while you're gambling.

You know that.

You're playing blackjack and

you've got eight rum and cokes

in you, you will hit a 19.

( laughter )

Last night I was so ( bleep )

faced I pumped $300 worth of

quarters into a Coke machine.

( laughter )

"Look, three sevens!"

"No, that's 7-Up, idiot.

Get back in your room."

( laughter )

The only people winning are,

like, ladies in their late

hundreds, you know?

I saw one lady pull the thing on

the slot, her arm broke off at

the elbow.

There's, like, a bloody stump

stuck in the slot machine.

( laughter )

Girls get all excited.

"Wow, you won two bucks worth of

laundry money.

Relax."

( laughter )

I like to smoke in the gym.

That pisses people off.

( laughter )

There's always some bodybuilder,

"Hey, you need a spot?"

"No, I've got two in my lungs,

thanks."

( laughter )

Go home and have a rice cake.

I'm living in LA now.

People are trying to make me

eat rice cakes.

Those are delicious.

Eat, like, six of those, next

day you pass a Styrofoam beer

cooler in the toilet, you know?

( laughter )

"Honey, get the Budweisers, will

you?

Want to package that stereo

What's happening to this

country, folks, huh?

Jesus.

Crime is out of control.

Quick impression-- me renting a

car in Miami.

"Hey, what a beautiful..."

( laughter )

You know, Florida, the murder

capital of the world, they have

the balls to call it the

Sunshine State.

The only sunshine you see is

coming through the bullet hole

in your husband's forehead.

( laughter )

I actually heard an ad on the

radio the other day, a travel

agency giving away a trip to

Miami with a rental car thrown

in for nothing.

Hey, why don't you just give me

Dr. Kevorkian's home phone

number?

And they said there's no drop-

off charge for the car.

No ( bleep ).

It's not coming back.

( laughter )

Miami's an interesting city,

isn't it?

You got old Jewish people and

dead German tourists.

Think there's a connection?

( laughter )

Somebody's holding a grudge.

"He fell down, he banged his

head.

The schwartz got him.

We found him like that."

( laughter )

We have our priorities mixed up

as far as laws go in this

country.

We're trying to ban smoking in

public places, but we're doing

nothing about drive-by

shootings.

And half the people that die in

drive-by shootings die why?

Because they stepped outside for

a cigarette.

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

"Hey, Billy, you got a light?"

( imitating gunfire )

"Hey, grab his Marlboros.

He don't need those no more."

( laughter )

We're Americans, folks.

We're two things-- we're lazy

and we're violent.

We can't even get out of the car

to shoot somebody.

We have to drive by the house

and pick them off the porch.

( laughter )

People are surprised we have a

gun problem.

How do you think we got the

country in the first place, in a

slap fight?

Come on.

What did we do, noogie the

Indians for the land?

"Come on, Sitting Bull, give it

up.

50 bucks for Rhode Island.

Come on, give it up, or I'll

burn a hole in your pigtails."

I'm living in LA now.

People are so paranoid about

crime in LA.

I couldn't get into my building

last week.

I've got two handfuls of

groceries, the guy won't let me

in the front door.

He goes, "How do I know you're

not a killer?"

"Well, the box of pudding pops

might be a hint, you know?

I've got milk and eggs.

I'm here to rape your wife and

make you an omelet."

( laughter )

Women.

Women are so paranoid in Los

Angeles.

I can't blame them, but they are

out of their minds about crime.

We're becoming so desensitized

to violence we're actually

blaming the victims now.

I'm watching the news the other

night, some guy got killed by a

stray bullet while he's pumping

gas at a gas station.

And they interview an

eyewitness, and the eyewitness

goes, "He was in the wrong place

at the wrong time."

Where the hell do you go when

your tank is on "E," Chuck-E-

Cheese?

I mean...

( laughter )

Wrong place at the wrong time?

How about the guy that shot him,

the guy with the uzi and the

fatigues?

What's he, Johnny-

I was just working in New York

last week.

Jesus, the city that never

sleeps.

How come I see people passed out

all over the place?

( laughter )

The city's exhausted as far as

I'm concerned.

Homeless people are taking over.

Half of them dress better than I

am, you know?

They sleep anywhere.

How do they do it, folks?

I've got a $2,000 waterbed at

home.

I toss and turn all night, you

know?

These people are like, "What's

that, a broken Heineken bottle?"

( snoring )

"Yeah, could you put a brick on

my head, keep the sun out of my

eyes?"

( laughter )

I give them money, but they're

nasty.

This guy comes up to me last

week, "Hey, can you help me out?

I'm starving, man.

I'm starving."

I'm like, "Hey, do you see a

chef's hat on my head?"

( laughter )

"What am I supposed to do, whip

you up a reuben on the sidewalk,

for Christ's sake?

There's a pigeon a foot away

with a loaf of bread.

Go bust his balls, you know?"

( laughter )

"He's a bird, he's doing better

than you are, you know?"

See the guy the next day...

( laughter )

>> Mental illness is running

rampant in every city.

This lady comes up to my

apartment in LA, right in front

of my apartment, she's got more

facial hair than I do, she's got

one tooth.

She's like, "Why did he leave

me?"

( laughter )

"Why did my husband leave me?"

"Oh, I don't know, smiley.

You were hogging the dental

floss?

I don't know."

( laughter )

"I'm guessing your husband

needed some time to himself, you

know?

I've known you for two seconds,

I could use a vacation."

( laughter )

God, I have no more compassion

for these people.

Guy comes up to me today, "Hey,

can you help a hungry man out?"

I said, "Yeah, I'm getting a

slice of pizza.

Don't follow me."

( laughter )

"I can't get a job."

"Put on a shirt.

There's a tip."

I need a vacation.

I just took one.

I went to Cancun.

Who's been to Cancun, anyone?

You have fun?

I made a big mistake while I was

down there.

I loaded up on jalapeno dip and

chili.

Washed it down with a gallon of

Mexican water.

Yeah, before I went parasailing.

( laughter )

Oh, umbrella rentals were up at

the beach that day.

"Hey, honey, what kind of birds

are these?"

( laughter )

"They didn't tell us about this

in the brochure.

What is that, a SCUD missile?"

( laughter )

Nobody told me Cancun was

located a quarter mile from the

sun.

( laughter )

First day on the beach,

"I don't need that sunblock.

I'm no baby.

Give me the butter."

Two minutes later my friend's

like, "You smell pork burning?"

( laughter )

I knew I'd bought the wrong

sunblock when the bottle had a

picture of a black guy putting

two white guys out with a fire

extinguisher.

( laughter )

They needed dental charts to

find my shorts, you know?

( laughter )

I was hanging out at the pool at

the hotel in Cancun.

There was a group of girls there

from Europe.

I could tell they were from

Europe because, like, none of

them had their bikini line

shaved.

It's not a pretty look, is it?

( laughter )

This one lady looked like she

had Buckwheat in a scissors

lock.

You know, it was amazing.

( laughter )

I'm like, "Try some Weed Eater,

will you, sis?

You've got a tarantula in your

shorts here."

( laughter )

She put on a pair of nylons, she

looked like Fidel Castro robbing

a bank.

( laughter )

There's actually some people

taking the jokes literally--

"Oh, that's mean.

Ooh, ah, ooh."

These are the people who sit at

home, watch The Wizard of

Oz, and go, "That's bull

( bleep ).

Monkey's don't fly."

It's just a joke.

Try to pretend, folks.

hanging out at the pool at

Cancun.

So like a hero I went out and

ran and did, like, a one-and-a-

half into six inches of water.

Drove my skull into my neck.

I looked like Ed Sullivan

getting out of the low end.

"Now that we have my spine fused

we have a great show for you."

( laughter )

I stayed at a nice hotel in

Cancun.

It was actually too fancy.

You ever stay in a hotel that's

too fancy, they actually leave

chocolate on your pillow before

you go to bed?

Who started this?

Yeah, I think four out of five

dentists recommend a Zagnut bar

before you hit the sack.

I sleep very well with five

pounds of sugar running through

my bloodstream.

Why don't you just leave me a

vial of crack and a pot of black

coffee on the pillow?

( laughter )

It's four in the morning, I'm so

wound up I'm doing grout work in

the bathroom, you know?

( laughter )

If you want to make my stay more

pleasant at a hotel, why don't

you start by removing that jet

engine from the air conditioner?

( laughter )

You try to sleep in a hotel with

the air conditioner on high,

it's like ( imitating air

conditioner ).

Wake up the next morning, it's

two degrees in your room.

You've got Walt Disney laying

next to you.

( laughter )

Who's going to have sex tonight,

anybody?

Yeah, one guy in the back by

himself, yeah.

( laughter )

With a bad cowboy hat.

Sex in the '90s.

You know what the problem is?

It's contraceptives.

Who's doing the research and

development contraceptives?

Is the condom the best thing

they can do for a guy today?

Guys, can you feel anything with

a condom on?

You could slam the tip of my

( bleep ) in a car door...

( laughter )

...I wouldn't even blink if I

had a condom on.

( laughter )

It's the same material they make

bulletproof vests out of.

( laughter )

John F. Kennedy had a rubber on

his head in Dallas, he'd still

be alive today.

( laughter )

See him in the limousine with a

reservoir tip blowing in the

wind.

( laughter )

( imitating JFK ) "I'm the

finest piece of ass in these

United States.

I have a rubber on my head.

I have a French tickler."

The diaphragm.

There's a real spontaneous

device.

You're about to have sex, she

has to get up, get, like, 12

tubes of epoxy, 400 popsicle

sticks.

Comes out of the bathroom four

hours later, she's made a ship

in a bottle.

>> I'm Catholic.

According to my religion,

masturbation is as serious a sin

as murdering somebody.

Hey, if that's true, say hello

to the new Hitler.

( laughter )

Took him five years to commit

that many sins.

Took me two episodes

of Baywatch.

( laughter )

That's a good show.

That doesn't exploit women.

I watch it for the plot, don't

you guys?

It's, like, a five minute

cleanup after the show.

"Honey, get the Windex.

The news is coming on.

Quick."

( imitating sound of Windex on

glass )

Yeah, I'm the only one that

masturbates.

I know, folks.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

I got one woman to admit she

masturbated, this older woman.

I asked he what she used.

She told me she used a Crest

toothpaste tube.

See what us guys are competing

against?

( laughter )

Not only do we have to make you

( bleep ), we have to fight

plaque as well.

I mean, Jesus.

It's getting pretty difficult.

( cheers and applause )

Guys are jealous of women

sexually, I think.

Women have that superior

endurance in bed.

What's the biggest difference

sexually?

It's the energy levels after

sex.

Girls get all energetic.

My girlfriend wants to cook

stuff.

She's got a cake in the oven.

She's raking leaves.

She's putting gutters on the

house.

Meanwhile I'm at the hospital.

My blood pressure is three over

one.

( laughter )

I'm on life support systems.

The doctor's like, "Three times?

That means irreversible brain

damage for the poor bastard."

( laughter )

Guys have no energy after sex,

do they?

After I have sex my legs are

like a newborn calf, you know?

I'm in the kitchen in my

underwear, trying to make a

sandwich.

I look out the window, she's

putting in a built-in pool.

( laughter )

"Honey, what did I shoot into

you, crack?

Sit down, for Christ's sake.

We'll have sex tomorrow night,

you can clean the garage."

( laughter )

After I get laid I need a

walker.

( laughter )

( cheers and applause )

You go in to work on Monday

morning, everybody knows how

your weekend went.

"Hey, look-- Nick got lucky."

( laughter )

"No, I didn't.

I had a stroke.

Same thing."

( laughter )

"Where's the wife?"

"She's doing an ice sculpture.

>> Everybody's a victim.

You know my favorite victim?

This is what's wrong with this

county in a nutshell today.

You hear about this lady suing

the movie theater?

She's five foot four, 380

pounds, and she's suing a movie

theater because the seats are

too small.

I don't think that's the

problem.

( laughter )

The problem is your ass is a

fire hazard.

( laughter )

Imagine you couldn't get out of

a burning theater because the

ushers couldn't free Willie from

the emergency exit.

( laughter )

You're trying to get out, and

she's like, ( imitating an

elephant )

Yeah, there's peanuts in the

lobby.

Hurry it up!

( laughter )

Not to pick on heavy people, but

nine out of ten asses fit in the

seats at the movies, so don't

change the law for one donut

monster.

It's a democracy, remember?

( laughter )

She wants to bring her own chair

to the movie theater.

That's what the lawsuit's about.

Let her bring a couch, a bed,

who gives a crap?

It's not bad enough I can't see

the screen because some guy's

wearing a hat in front of me.

Now I can't see it because Mama

Cass' Craftmatic is stuck in the

upright position.

( laughter )

It's a little irritating.

Go home, buy a NordicTrack and

rent a movie.

Kill two birds with one stone.

And she's going to win the

lawsuit because she's covered

under something called the

Disability Act.

Only in this country are obese

people considered disabled,

which is a crock of crap.

If you're missing an arm or a

leg, you're disabled.

If you're missing a cheesecake,

you're full.

( laughter )

You don't get special parking at

the mall because you had too

much pizza.

Sorry.

"Where should we park, Betty?"

"Right by the food court."

( imitating pig )

It's one thing to lose a leg

diving on a live hand grenade in

Vietnam.

It's another thing to lose a leg

diving on a live lobster at a

clambake.

See the differen

I went in to get a sandwich

today at this coffee shop.

How long should that take, five

minutes?

How come you always get that

trainee who comes out from the

back room with a plunger in his

hand?

( laughter )

"Yeah, the toilets are done.

What next, boss?"

The manager goes, "Make that guy

a sandwich."

( laughter )

The kid looks at me, "Can I help

you?"

I said, "Yeah, you can start by

boiling your hands."

( laughter )

I really don't care for the

rhino virus in my tuna.

I'm kind of a fussy guy.

This kid goes to me, "What do

you want?"

I said, "I'll have a tuna fish

sandwich."

This is he asks me.

He goes, "Would you like

mayonnaise mixed in with that

tuna?"

"No, that would make the

sandwich much too moist and

delicious."

( laughter )

"Don't you have any road salt or

broken glass you could throw in

there?"

( laughter )

Then the kid says to me, "Is

this for here or to go?"

I look around, there's no tables

and chairs in the place.

"I'll just lay on the floor and

eat it, Sparky, thanks."

( laughter )

There's a kid in there next to

me playing rap music, you know,

blasting it.

I was listening to some this

afternoon.

Not that I had a choice-- it was

coming out of a jeep four miles

away.

( laughter )

"Yeah, could you turn that crap

up?

I still have one eye socket

left."

( laughter )

I like rap.

I don't care for that scratching

rap.

You know that scratching they do

with the turntable?

It sounds like a fat woman

walking in corduroys.

( imitates scratching )

"Please welcome MC Chafe."

( laughter )

They call that an art form,

scratching.

Remember the old days, you were

at a party, you bumped into the

turntable, you're a ( bleep )?

Now you're a music

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