Thursday, February 20, 2014

  • 02/20/2014

Jen Kirkman, Jimmy Pardo and James Davis come up with animal-themed TV shows, caption Russian wedding photos and learn about the sexual fantasies of a "Game of Thrones" fan.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)THE INTERNET IS CREAMING ITS

INTERNET JEANS OVER THE NEWGUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

TRAILER WHICH I HAVE ALSOTHERE IS SOME OF THAT.

I AM SO-- I LOVE HIM SOMUCH.

IT STARS CHRIS BRAT BUT HEIS THE MOST EXCITED ABOUT

BEING IN THE MOVIE WITHBAUTISTA.

HE TREATED IF YOU TOLD ME IWOULD BE IN WITH DAVE

BATTESTA, I WOULD HAVE SHOWNYOU THIS.

WHAT PICTURE ACCOMPANIED THETWEET.

WAS IT A A TEENAGE PRATTDRESSED AT BATISTA FOR

HALLOWEEN.

B A SHIRTLESS SELFIE OFPRATT RUBBING BABY OIL ON

HIS CHEST.

OR WAS IT C, PRATT FLAUNTINGA TOWEL FEATURING A BUFF

SHIRTLESS BATISTA.

>> I THINK IS A A TEENAGEPRATT.

>> LET'S FIND OUT THECORRECT ANSWER.

>> THERE IT IS.

FLAUTING A TOWEL, THAT'S IT.

SO JUST REMEMBER WHEN YOUDRY YOUR NUTS OFF YOU'RE

PUTTING-- EVERY TIME YOU GETOUT OF THE SHOWER YOU HAVE

TO GO HERE WE GO AGAIN,BATISTA, AND THEN OH,

DADDY'S DIRTY.

THAT'S IT NICE AND DRY.

NICE AN DRY.

WHY DOES THAT TOWEL LOOKLIKE THE MOVIE POSTER FOR

MAGIC MIKE.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR MAGICMIKE COMET-- COMMEMORATIVE

TOWEL.

>> THEY SOL OUT.

>> HOW ELSE DO YOU DRY YOURTATUMS?

(APPLAUSE)>> NO POINTS, HARDWICK.

PATRICK STEWART TOOK TIMEFROM BATHING OUTDOORS IN

SEPARATE TUBS WHILE HOLDINGHANDS WITH-- TO RESPOND TO

THE FOLLOWING NEWCORRECTION.

>> GUARDIAN SAID THAT THEYREPORTED THAT PATRICK

STEWART WAS GAY.

SO THEN THIS WAS THEIRCORRECTION.

SIR PAT STEW IS NOT GAY.

FOLLOWING WITH STEWART'SREAL RESPONSE.

>> POINT THE GUARDIAN, IHAVE LIKE FIVE OR SEVEN-- EVEN

SEVEN HEADERO FRIENDS AND WETOTALLY DRINK BEER AND EAT

LOTS OF CHICKEN WINGS.

B, NEXT TIME DOW REPORTINGYOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST

ENGAUGE IN SOME RESEARCH.

AND NOT AN IMPRESSIONIST, BYTHE WAY.

C.

>> I BEG TO DIFFER.

>> WHILE IT IS TRUE I'M GAYIT IS ALSO TRUE I ONLY

SUBSCRIBE TO THE PRE1927DEFINITE FLITION SO YOUR

CORRECTION IS MEANINGLESS ASI AM STILL JOYFUL AND

CARE-FREE.

>> YES, JAMES.

>> CHRIS, YOU KNOW I MARRIEDYOU TO THE STAR TREK FAMILY

SO I KNOW THIS.

>> YES, JIMMY'S WIFE ISDAUGHTER OF WALTER KOENIG,

VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN HIMSELF.

>> PIE WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL,HER FATHER PLAYED CHECKOFF.

WE TALK ABOUT THIS AT FAMILYMEALS.

I'M GOING TO GO OBVIOUSLY B,HE, B, ENGAGE.

>> ALL RIGHT WILL, THECORRECT ANSWER IS, IN FACT,

A.

#STARTREK FAIL.

IT'S TIMEFOR TONIGHT'S #WARS.

LET'S BE RESPECTFUL BECAUSETODAY WAS ONE OF OUR

NATION'S MOST IMPORTANT HOLDDAX I'M REFERRING, OF COURSE,

TO LOVE YOUR PET DAY W THATIN MIND TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

ANIMAL TV SHOWS, ANIMAL TVSHOWS, EXAM PELLINGS WOULD

BE FLEE'S COMPANY ORCATMIDNIGHT.

OR THE BIG BARK THEORY.

SO I'M GOING TO PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK

STARTING NOW.

JAMES.

>> ROSE ANT.

>> YES.

>> WELCOME BACK OTTER.

>> POINTS.

>> GILMORE SQUIRRELS.

>> THE MOTHER SQUIRREL AGOSLIKE A SISTER SQUIRREL.

>> THE LOVE GOATS.

>> THE LOVE GOATS FANTASTIC.

>> -- LATELY.

>> PRAWN STARS.

>> YES.

>> JEN.

>> "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"STOCK.

>> YES.

>> DIFFERENT STORKS.

>> JIMMY.

>> CBS'S 60 MINNOWS.

I WOULD ACTUALLY WATCH THE[BLEEP] OUT OF THAT.

>> KEEP GOING AROUND ANDAROUND.

>> JEN KIRKMAN

>> TWO AND A HALF MANATEES.

>> YES, TWO AND A HALFMANATEES.

>> PONY LOVES CHACHIE.

RUSSIAN TO THE ALTAR.

THE SOCHI OLYMPICS ON OUR MINDWE FELL INTO A WEIRD RUSSIAN

INTERNET WORM HOLE, WE FOUNDBIZARRE AND OFTEN PHOTO

SHOPPED WEDDING PHOTOS.

THESE ARE REAL, SO FOR 250POINTS I WANT TO YOU COME UP

WITH A FUNNY CAPTION FOREACH PHOTO.

LET US BEGIN, THIS SHOT OFSCENIC ROMANCE.

(LAUGHTER)>> OKAY.

>> I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVEAN EYE THERE, YES.

>> FROM THE PEOPLE THATBROUGHT YOU CHUCKY AND

FATHER OF THE BRIDE.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

>> I THINK THIS IS CALLEDZACK GALAFANIKIAS LIVE FROM

MOSKOW.

THIS NEXT ONE THIS ROMANTICBEACH VACATION.

(LAUGHTER)>> THIS IS NOT ANATOMICALLY

ACCURATE.

>> YES, JAMES.

TROJAN CONDOMS WHERE SEX ON THEFIRST NIGHT CAN LEAD TO THIS.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THAT.

>> CEN-TAUR? I DON'T EVEN KNOWHER.

YES.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THAT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> DO YOU HAVE ONE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M HEADINGWITH THOSE TWO.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT POOR WOMAN.

THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE RUSSIA'SMR. BEAN.

>> YES.

>> DOESN'T IT LOOK LIKEMR. BEAN WITH THE SPIRIT OF

CAT WILLIAMS.

>> A LITTLE BIT, YES.

>> THIS BETTER NOT GET OUTOF POCKET.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK ONBEHALF OF THE WOMAN.

>> YES.

THANK YOU FOR SHAVING YOURKNUCKLE HAIR FOR OUR BIG DAY

WORLD STAR HIP HUH?

>> IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW,HIP-HOP HOSTS SOME THE MOST

PROFOUNDLY WEIRD VIDEOSON THE INTERNET SO, COMEDIANS

I WILL GIVE YOU TWO REALTITLES OF VIDEOS FROM THE

SITE.

YOU GUESS THE TITLE BASED ONTHE THUMBNAIL AND IF YOU ARE

RIGHT YOU GET POINTSSO HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.

BRAT THUGGING ON A CAT OR CATVERSUS PUG, WITH CHOKE HOLD.

>> THAT IS A LOT OF [BLEEP]GOING ON IN THERE.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH THEFIRST OPTION.

>> WITH RAT SUCKING ON ACAT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH.

(APPLAUSE)YOU COME INTO MY MOTHER

[BLEEP] NEIGHBORHOOD AND TRYTO TAKE MY [BLEEP] CHEESE?

>> THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

>> I STILL DON'T KNOW WHICHONE WAS THE CAT.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE ONE THAT WAS ACTING

LIKE A PUSSY.

>> WELL DONE.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FORTHAT.

OH MY.

>> NEXT ONE, LITTLE GIRLDANCING WITH HER BROTHER

GETS ROCKED INTO THE WALL ORMOTHER'S MAKE SURE THIS

LITTLE BOY STAYS AWAY FROMYOUR DAUGHTER.

>> YES, JIMMY.

>> I'M A FATHER.

>> WELL.

>> SO I'M WITH B.

>> MOTHERS MAKE SURE-- LET'SFIND OUT.

>> OH.

TO BE FAIR, IT COULD BE BOTH.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, TO BE FAIR T COULDBE.

YOU KNOW IF I GIVE HIMPOINTS WILL PULL AHEAD OF

YOU.

DO YOU WANT THAT?

>> NOPE.

>> JAMES, DO YOU WANT TOCOMMENT ON THAT VIDEO.

>> I JUST LOVE HOW SHE GOTREAL AND SHE WAS LIKE OH

[BLEEP].

>> YOU DO THAT THING WHENARE YOU A KID AND YOU FALL

YOU JUST START RUNNING.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'REGOING, YOU JUST-- YOU RUN.

>> SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLERIGHT NOW.

SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHATHAPPENED, SOMEONE'S IN

TROUBLE.

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

SOMEONE'S GOING DIE IT'SNOT GOING TO BE ME.

>> ACTUALLY, PEOPLE DON'TGROW OUT OF THAT.

IT IS TIME FOR EMBARRASSINGGOOGLE SEARCHES.

EMBARRASSING GOOGLE SEARCHES.

THIS IS REALLY SIMPLE.

YOU GUYS HAVE 60 SECONDS TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY

EMBARRASSING GOOGLE SEARCHESAS POSSIBLE.

I WILL PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> DOES JAMES FRANCO LIKE 39AND A HALF-YEAR-OLD WOMEN.

>> PATRICK SWAYZE'S BROTHER.

>> POINTS.

>> JESUS-- PICK.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

>> HOW OLD IS DAKOTA FANNING,FOLLOWUP QUESTION S SHE

SINGLE.

>> WAIT FOR THE ANSWER.

>> IS CRYING IN PUBLIC COOL?

>> IT IS COOL, POINTS.

>> SO I'VE BEEN ERECT FOR MORETHAN FOUR HOURS.

>> THAT'S CALLEDAPRIAPISM, POINTS.

>> WELL DONE.

I'VE HEARD IT'S CALLEDAPRIAPISM.

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