Thursday, February 20, 2014

  • 02/20/2014

Jen Kirkman, Jimmy Pardo and James Davis come up with animal-themed TV shows, caption Russian wedding photos and learn about the sexual fantasies of a "Game of Thrones" fan.

TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S

RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE INTERNET IS CREAMING ITS

INTERNET JEANS OVER THE NEW

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

TRAILER, WHICH I HAVE ALSO...

THERE IS SOME OF THAT.

I AM SO... I LOVE JAMES GUNN SO

MUCH.

THIS MOVIE'S GOING TO BE

AMAZING.

IT STARS CHRIS PRATT.

BUT HE IS THE MOST EXCITED ABOUT

BEING IN A MOVIE WITH WRESTLER

BATISTA.

SO PRATT TWEETED, "IF YOU HAD

TOLD ME LAST YEAR I WAS GOING TO

BE IN GOTG WITH DAVE BATISTA,

I'D HAVE SHOWN YOU THIS."

WHAT PICTURE ACCOMPANIED THE

TWEET?

WAS IT:

YES, JEN KIRKMAN?

>> I THINK IT'S A, A TEENAGE

PRATT DRESSED AS BATISTA FOR

HALLOWEEN.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT THE

CORRECT ANSWER.

>> THERE IT IS.

PRATT FLAUNTING A TOWEL.

RIGHT THERE, THAT'S IT.

SO JUST REMEMBER, WHEN YOU DRY

YOUR NUTS OFF, YOU'RE PUTTING...

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY TIME YOU GET OUT OF THE

SHOWER, YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE,

"HERE WE GO AGAIN, BATISTA."

AND THEN...

>> "OH, DADDY'S DIRTY."

(LAUGHTER)

"THAT'S IT, NICE AND DRY.

NICE AND DRY."

>> WHY DOES THAT TOWEL LOOK LIKE

THE MOVIE POSTER FOR MAGIC MIKE?

>> Chris: YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR

MAGIC MIKE COMMEMORATIVE TOWEL?

>> I MISSED OUT.

THEY SOLD OUT.

>> Chris: HOW ELSE DO YOU DRY

YOUR TATUMS?

NO POINTS.

NO POINTS, HARDWICK.

NO POINTS, HARDWICK.

SO PATRICK STEWART TOOK TIME

FROM PROBABLY BATHING OUTDOORS

IN SEPARATE TUBS WHILE HOLDING

HANDS WITH SIR IAN MCKELLAN TO

RESPOND TO THE FOLLOWING NEWS

CORRECTION.

THE GUARDIAN SAID... THEY

REPORTED THAT PATRICK STEWART

WAS GAY.

SO THEN THIS WAS THEIR

CORRECTION:

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS

STEWART'S REAL RESPONSE?

I'M NOT AN IMPRESSIONIST, BY THE

WAY.

>> I BEG TO DIFFER.

>> YES, JAMES PARDO?

>> CHRIS, YOU KNOW I MARRIED

INTO THE STAR TREK FAMILY, SO I

KNOW THIS.

>> Chris: YES, JIMMY'S WIFE IS

DAUGHTER OF WALTER KOENIG, AND A

VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN HERSELF,

DANIELLE KOENIG.

>> MY WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, HER

FATHER PLAYED CHEKOV, SO I KNOW

THIS.

WE TALK ABOUT THIS AT FAMILY

MEALS.

I'M GOING TO GO... IT'S

OBVIOUSLY B, ENGAGE.

B, ENGAGE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS, IN FACT, A.

#STARTREKFAIL.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S ALL BE RESPECTFUL, BECAUSE

TODAY WAS ONE OF OUR NATION'S

MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAYS.

I'M REFERRING, OF COURSE, TO

LOVE YOUR PET DAY.

WITH THAT IN MIND, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #ANIMALTVSHOWS,

#ANIMALTVSHOWS.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE FLEE'S COMPANY

OR CAT MIDNIGHT.

OR THE BIG BARK THEORY.

SO I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK STARTING NOW.

JAMES.

>> ROSE ANT.

>> Chris: YES, WELL DONE.

YOU CAN HAVE AN ANT FARM.

POINTS.

JEN?

>> WELCOME BACK OTTER.

>> Chris: POINTS!

OH, SO GOOD.

JAMES?

>> GILMORE SQUIRRELS.

>> Chris: GILMORE SQUIRRELS!

THE MOTHER SQUIRREL ACTS LIKE A

SISTER SQUIRREL.

THEY HAVE AN ADORABLE

RELATIONSHIP.

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> THE LOVE GOAT.

>> Chris: YES, THE LOVE GOAT,

FANTASTIC.

JAMES?

>> SNAILSEA LATELY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

PARDO?

>> PRAWN STARS.

>> Chris: YES, PRAWN STARS!

>> JEN KIRKMAN?

>> SATURDAY NIGHT LIVESTOCK.

>> Chris: YES, SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVESTOCK!

WELL DONE, POINTS.

JEN AGAIN?

>> DIFFERENT STORKS.

>> Chris: DIFFERENT STORKS!

OF COURSE.

JIMMY PARDO?

>> CBS'S 60 MINNOWS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I WOULD ACTUALLY WATCH

THE (BLEEP) OUT OF THAT.

THEY JUST KEEP GOING AROUND AND

AROUND.

JEN KIRKMAN?

>> TWO AND A HALF MANATEES.

>> Chris: YES, TWO AND A HALF

MANATEES.

PARDO?

>> PONY LOVES CHACHI.

(LAUGHTER)

ALTAR!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WITH THE SOCHI OLYMPICS ON OUR

MINDS, WE FELL INTO A WEIRD

RUSSIAN INTERNET WORMHOLE.

AND THANKS TO IMAGER, WE

DISCOVERED THE MAGIC OF BIZARRE

AND OFTEN PHOTOSHOPPED RUSSIAN

WEDDING PHOTOS.

SO FOR TWO... AND THESE ARE

REAL.

SO FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT TO YOU

COME UP WITH A FUNNY CAPTION FOR

EACH PHOTO.

LET US BEGIN.

THIS SHOT OF SCENIC ROMANCE

RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, OKAY.

I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T HAVE AN EYE.

I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T HAVE AN EYE

THERE.

YES, JAMES DAVIS?

>> FROM THE PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT

YOU CHUCKY AND FATHER OF THE

BRIDE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

I THINK THIS IS CALLED ZACK

GALAFINAKAS LIVE FROM MOSCOW.

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT ONE, THIS

ROMANTIC BEACH VACATION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THIS IS NOT

ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE.

>> YES, JAMES?

>> TROJAN CONDOMS-- WHERE SEX ON

FIRST LIGHT CAN LEAD TO THIS.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

YES, JEN.

>> CENTAUR?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

>> Chris: OH, YES!

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT,

JEN KIRKMAN.

JIMMY PARDO, DID YOU HAVE ONE?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M HAPPY WITH THOSE TWO, CHRIS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S A TINY YOUNG

BRIDE!

THAT POOR WOMAN.

THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE RUSSIA'S MR.

BEAN.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, JAMES DAVIS?

>> HEY, CHRIS, DOESN'T IT LOOK

LIKE MR. BEAN WITH THE SPIRIT OF

KAT WILLIAMS?

>> Chris: A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

>> "THIS BITCH BETTER NOT GET

OUT OF POCKET."

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I'D LIKE TO SPEAK ON BEHALF

OF THE WOMAN.

>> Chris: YES?

>> THANK YOU FOR SHAVING YOUR

KNUCKLE HAIR FOR OUR BIG DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS TO JEN.

STAR HIP HUH?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> SO WE'VE HIGHLIGHTED THOSE

GUYS IN THE SHOW A LOT.

IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW,

WORLDSTAR HIP-HOP HOSTS SOME OF

THE MOST PROFOUNDLY WEIRD VIDEOS

ON THE INTERNET, RANGING FROM

DINER FIGHTS TO DANCE TRENDS.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO GIVE

YOU TWO VERY REAL TITLES OF

VIDEOS FROM THE SITE.

YOU GUESS THE TITLE BASED ON THE

THUMBNAIL, AND IF YOU'RE RIGHT,

YOU GET POINTS.

SO HERE'S THE FIRST ONE:

JAMES?

>> OH, THAT'S A LOT OF THUG

(BLEEP) GOING ON IN THERE.

YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO WITH THE

FIRST OPTION ON THAT ONE, CHRIS.

>> Chris: YOU'RE GOING TO GO

WITH RAT THUGGING ON A CAT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

OH, DAMN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU COME INTO MY MOTHER (BLEEP)

NEIGHBORHOOD AND TRY TO TAKE MY

MOTHER (BLEEP) CHEESE?

(BLEEP) YOU, BITCH!

>> Chris: THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

>> I STILL DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE

WAS THE CAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THE ONE THAT WAS ACTING LIKE

A PUSSY.

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

>> I LITERALLY BECAME AN OLD

LADY WHEN THAT HAPPENED.

"OH!"

"OH, MY!"

>> Chris: NEXT ONE:

>> YES, JIMMY PARDO?

>> I'M A FATHER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL?

>> SO I'M GOING WITH B.

>> Chris: YOU'RE GOING TO GO

WITH B, MOTHERS MAKE SURE...

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH!

>> TO BE FAIR, IT COULD BE BOTH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, POINTS!

>> Chris: YOU KNOW, TO BE FAIR,

IT COULD BE.

NOW, IF I GIVE HIM POINTS,

THOUGH, HE'S GOING TO PULL AHEAD

OF YOU.

DO YOU WANT THAT?

>> NOPE.

>> Chris: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

JAMES, DO YOU WANT TO COMMENT ON

THAT VIDEO?

>> I JUST LOVE HOW (BLEEP) GOT

REAL AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH,

(BLEEP)"

>> Chris: WELL, YOU DO THAT

THING WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND YOU

FALL.

IT'S JUST... YOU JUST START

RUNNING.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE

GOING.

YOUR BRAIN JUST GOES, "(BLEEP)

RUN!"

LIKE, YOU JUST...

>> "SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE RIGHT

NOW.

SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE."

>> Chris: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT

HAPPENED, SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLE.

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

"SOMEONE'S GOING TO DIE.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ME."

>> ACTUALLY, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T

GROW OUT OF THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

GOOGLE SEARCHES.

EMBARRASSING GOOGLE SEARCHES.

THIS ONE'S REALLY SIMPLE.

YOU GUYS HAVE 60 SECONDS TO COME

UP WITH AS MANY EMBARRASSING

GOOGLE SEARCHES AS POSSIBLE, ALL

RIGHT?

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO!

JEN?

>> DOES JAMES FRANCO LIKE 39 AND

A HALF-YEAR-OLD WOMEN?

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS.

JIMMY?

>> PATRICK SWAYZE'S BROTHER.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

JEN?

>> JESUS DICK PICK.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JAMES?

>> HOW OLD IS DAKOTA FANNING?

FOLLOW UP QUESTION, IS SHE

SINGLE?

>> Chris: NOT EVEN WAITING FOR

THE ANSWER.

POINTS.

JEN?

>> IS CRYING IN PUBLIC COOL?

>> Chris: IT IS COOL, POINTS.

JAMES?

>> SO I'VE BEEN ERECT FOR MORE

THAN FOUR HOURS.

>> Chris: THAT'S CALLED A

PRIAPISM.

POINTS.

WELL DONE.

I'VE HEARD IT'S CALLED A

PRIAPISM.

(LAUGHTER)

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