Ders Comes in Handy

  • 07/24/2012

When Montez suspects his wife is cheating on him, the guys help him find the culprit.

- I'M GONNA CLEAR IT.

- GET 'EM.- NOPE.

THAT DIDN'T--THAT DIDN'T WORK AT ALL.

OW. OW.- A LITTLE BIT.

HEY, IF YOU GUYS SEE ANYTHINGNINJA-RELATED, TELL ME,

'CAUSE I AM BACK ON MYNINJA KICK.

- OKAY.- I'M GONNA GET A SHOWER RADIO,

SO I CAN LITERALLYROG OUT WITH MY COG OUT.

- OR WE COULD JUST STICKTO THE CAMPING LIST,

GET THE SUPPLIES WE NEED,RIGHT?

- DEFINITELY,BUT FIRST, I WANT TO GET

THE STUFF THAT I WANTTO GET FIRST.

- YEAH.- KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

- I'M GONNA DO THAT TOO.- ALL RIGHT, JUST--

YOU KNOW, TRAVEL SHAMPOOS.LOOK FOR 'EM.

COME ON, 35 BUCKS?FOR WHAT?

OH, PLUGS INTO THE CAR.THAT'S COOL.

- GOING CAMPING THERE,PAUL BUNYAN?

- UH, NO,ME AND MY BUDDIES ARE

GONNA FOLLOWA CONCERT TOUR,

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA,LIKE, BE CAMPING OUT.

- THAT SOUNDS FUN.- YEAH, IT SHOULD BE.

I'M NOT REALLYA GREAT OUTDOORS GUY, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, UNLESS THERE'SA BALD-HEADED BEAR.

- YEAH.- FROM THE MOVIE, UM--

- WHAT MOVIE'S THAT?

- IT'S THE GREAT OUTDOORS.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SHH.- I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD--

ARE YOU PREGNANT?- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO KNOW

WHAT'S INSIDE THIS BELLY.- YOU'RE SQUEEZING SO HARD.

- YOU LIKE THAT?- I LIKE IT.

- OH, LOOK AT THAT.SOMEONE'S UP.

- OH, YEAH.- SOMEONE'S UP.

- I'M UP.

- MORNING.- I'M UP AND AT 'EM.

- DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR FACE.DON'T DO THAT.

I DON'T LIKE THAT.THAT'S BETTER.

- OH, GOD, ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- [squeals]- [groaning]

[camera shutter clicks]- AHA.

- WAIT, DID YOU JUST TAKEA PICTURE OF ME?

- [laughs] THANK YOU.- WHO ARE YOU?

DON'T--- YOU NEED SOME HELP THERE,

MY FRIEND?- WHAT?

UH, UM, NO.NO.

I'M, UH--I'M ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST GETTING SOME PANTS.

- HOW ABOUT A LARGER SIZE?- NO, I-I THINK THEY'RE GOOD.

[clears throat] SO.

WEAR 'EM OUT.

[laughs quietly]

GOOD DAY.

- HO HO HO.- WHOO!

- OH, MY GOSH.- HO.

- WE'RE DOING IT, GUYS.

WE'RE OFFICIALLYDOING ROAD RULES, MAN.

- MM-HMM. YEAH.- [laughs] THIS IS GREAT.

- DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHATTHIS THING DOES TO PANTIES?

SOPS THEM, THEN DROPS THEM.- YES, IT DOES.

- YEAH, CHICKS LOVE DUDESWITH RVs.

MY UNCLE DRIVES ONE.

GETS LAID ALL THE TIME.- YEAH?

- HE'S A COKE DEALER ALSO,SO THAT MIGHT

HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

- IT'S PROBABLY WHAT HE DIDTO BUY THE RV, YOU KNOW?

- AND I WANT THE BEST BED'CAUSE I'M PROBABLY

GONNA BE DOING SOME "FUGZIN'."

- WELL, WE ALL WANT THAT.- YOU BETTER BE.

- YEAH. BUT WHOEVER TOUCHESTHE RV FIRST GETS IT.

- WAIT--NO. WHAT?

- [laughs] OH! YOU SUCKERS.- DAMN IT, ADAM.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE US A LITTLE BITOF ADVANCE NOTICE.

WHOEVER TOUCHES THE OTHER SIDE,GETS TO CONTROL THE RADIO.

READY, SET, GO.- WAIT, NO--

- I SAID READY, SET, GO.[laughing]

YEAH.

[water running]UH, HEY, MONTEZ.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE A TOUROF THE RV IF THAT'S COOL.

- YOU WANT ME TO TAKEYOUR GARBA--OKAY.

YOU HAVE A BAG FULLOF DOUBLE-ENDED DILDOS?

- THAT'S USED.THAT'S WAS USED PROBABLY.

- STRAP-ONS--IS THIS EVAN STONE?

- WHAT'S HE'S DOING BACK THERE?

- IS THAT EVAN STONE?HE'S MY FAVORITE.

- MAN, THAT'S $1,200 WORTHOF PREMIUM SEX TOYS.

GOT THEM FOR COLLEENFOR OUR TEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

MADE HER A MUSIC VIDEO,BUT IT'S ALL OVER, MAN!

IT'S OVER!- WHY IS THAT?

- 'CAUSE SHE CHEATING ON ME,MAN!

- WHOA.- WAIT.

- DID SHE--SHE--DID SHE TELL YOU THAT?

UM, BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHINGABOUT, LIKE, WHO IT MIGHT BE

OR, LIKE, WHAT THE PERSONLOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?

- MAN, I HEARD HER ON THE PHONETALKING ABOUT

SHE WORRIED ABOUT GETTIN' A STD.

LIKE SHE GOT SOME KIND OF THINGCALLED COOCHIE MOLD.

- WHAT?- AWESOME, DUDE.

I ACTUALLY JUST WON A FOOT RACE,SO I'M ENTITLED TO THE BEST BED.

SO IS THAT IN THE FRONT?

- HEY, YOU CAN'T USE THISANYMORE, DUMMY.

I'M LIVING IN THERE.- OKAY, FOR SURE.

- LIKE, WHAT THE [bleep]HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?

I HAD IT ALL.

TELL YOU WHAT, MAN,IF I CATCH THIS DUDE,

I'M GONNA CUT HIS DICK OFF.

I'M JUST GONNA TAKE ITAND JUST RIP IT.

I'LL PUT IT IN A MICROWAVE

AND COOK IT.- OH, RIGHT.

YEAH, 'CAUSE, LIKE, CHEATERS.

WE HATE 'EM.THEY MAKE ME SICK.

BUT YOU KNOW,MAYBE YOU SHOULD TREAT 'EM NICE.

I'M GONNA GO, UH, THROW UP'CAUSE I'M SO SICK

OF HEARING ABOUTYOUR HORRIBLE SITUATION, MAN.

HAVE TO GET PRETTY PHYSICALRIGHT NOW.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCEI'VE GOTTEN PHYSICAL.

- DUDE, DON'T EVEN WORRYABOUT IT, I BROUGHT WEAPONS.

I BROUGHT WEAPONS.- REALLY? OKAY.

- LOOK, CHECK IT OUT.I GOT A SLINGSHOT.

- COOL, I'LL TAKE THAT.I'LL TAKE THAT,

UNLESS YOU HAVEA GRENADE LAUNCHER.

- WELL--WELL,I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER.

I HAVE THE TETANUS BALL.

IT'S A TENNIS BALLWITH RUSTY NAILS IN IT.

- OKAY, I'M GONNA WANTTHE SLINGSHOT

'CAUSE THIS LOOKSPRETTY [bleep] STUPID.

WHAT ARE YOU--YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THROW--

HOW ARE YOU GONNA PICKTHAT BACK UP, MAN?

YOU'RE GONNA--YOU'RE GONNATETANUS-IZE YOURSELF.

- NO, NO, SEE, THAT'S WHATYOU'RE NOT TAKING INTO ACCOUNT.

I HAVE A PROTECTOR GLOVETHAT YOU WEAR,

SO MAYBE--MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINKTHAT OVER BEFORE YOU CALL--

- VERY, VERY SMART MOVE.- THANK YOU.

- BUT ALSO,I WILL TAKE THE SLINGSHOOT.

- WELL, NO,I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD

BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWHOW TO SLING-SHOOT.

- WELL,DID YOU SEE MY PRACTICE RUNS?

- WELL, I DID,AND IT DIDN'T LOOK RIGHT.

- NO, IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.

- OKAY. YOU HAVE NO AMMO,SO YOU CAN'T--

- GIVE ME! GIVE ME!- NO, FINE.

- AAH!- ADAM?

ADAM?OH, OH, MY, OH, MY--

- HELP ME!- ADAM! OH, MY GOD!

- HELP! HELP ME!

- UH, YEAH,JUST GIVE ME THE SLINGSHOT.

AND HOLD THE BACK.- NICE TRY! CUT ME DOWN!

[screaming]

- ALL RIGHT, JUST--WELL, DON'T BREAK YOUR NECK!

HELP!MY FRIEND IS CHOKING!

DERS?

- BLAKE?WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT? YOU'RE THE CHEATER?- YEAH, I'M THE CHEATER, OKAY?

AT THE STORE THE OTHER DAY,

SHE GAVE MEA OVER-THE-PANTS H.J.

AND, DUDE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEENWHAT I DID IN MY PANTS.

- REALLY?- UNREAL.

I JUST, LIKE,BARFED OUT OF MY THING.

- NO WAY.HOW MANY OUNCES ARE WE TALKING?

LIKE A, LIKE A GUSHER'S WORTH?OR LIKE A CAPRI SUN?

- LIKE FIVE BUSTSOF I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH.

- OH, THAT'S WHY YOU WEREWEARING SKI PANTS.

YOU WERE DEALINGWITH THE STAIN PROBABLY.

DUDE, NOW I GET IT.

OH!ADAM, ADAM!

ADAM'S CHOKING, HE'S DYING, MAN.WE GOT TO CUT HIM DOWN.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING--- COME ON, COME ON!

- WHAT?- GO, GO, GO!

GET SOMETHING SHARP,SOMETHING SHARP.

- HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE,HERE, HERE.

- OH, COME ON.HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

COME ON, COME ON!HE'S RIGHT THROUGH HERE!

- WAIT, MAN, YOU'RE NOTSUPPOSED TO RUN WITH THESE.

- I KNOW! NO!- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

- JUST DROP THE STUPID THING!- OH, MY GOD.

- OH, CUT HIM DOWN!- I GOT HIM.

- CUT HIM DOWN! COME ON!- ADAM!

- USE SOME STRENGTH,YOU PUSSY!

- THEY'RE NOT CUTTING!I'LL BE BACK.

- NO, NO, NO!MY LITTLE BABY!

MY LITTLE BABY! MY LITTLE ANGEL![crying]

- OH, MY GOD. I GOT A BIG KNIFE!- DERS, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

- I GOT A BIG KNIFE! BACK UP!- CUT HIM DOWN!

- [screaming]- OH!

[Blake and Adam wailing]

- YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I THOUGHT WE LOST YA.- [crying] OH, GOD!

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.- OH, MY GOD! I ALMOST DIED!

- I KNOW.- I ALMOST DIED!

THAT WAS SO SCARY!

THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME!- IT'S OKAY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.- I HAD A REALIZATION.

I'VE BEEN ALIVE FOR 24 YEARS,

AND I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHINGWITH MY LIFE.

- DON'T SAY THAT. COME ON.- YOU HAVE TOO.

- I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!- COME ON.

- I'VE NEVER EVEN JET SKIEDOFF A WATERFALL.

- HEY, NO ONE'S DONE THAT.- YEAH, NOT MANY DO.

- I'VE NEVER EVEN HOT-AIRBALLOONED AROUND THE WORLD.

- IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE.- YES.

- [crying]I'VE NEVER...

EVEN SEEN THE EXPENDABLES.

- WE DID, THOUGH.ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

- WHATEVER THE POINT IS,I NEED TO DO MORE BADASS STUFF!

AND WATCH MORE CLASSIC MOVIES.

I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

IN, LIKE, SEVEN YEARS,AND THAT WAS MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

- OKAY.- AND I'M BLOWING IT!

- HEY, SO WHAT'S NEW, GUYS?

WELCOME TO MY NEW LIFE HEREIN THE RAP MASSAGE VAN,

WHERE I GIVE HOMELESS PEOPLEFREE BUM RUBS.

- GOD, IT SMELLS LIKE, UH--- IT'S LIKE--

- LIKE--- UM--

- WELL, IT SMELLS LIKE YOU'REMASSAGING HOMELESS PEOPLE.

- YEAH, THAT'S--- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SMELL--

THAT'S A GOOD WAYTO DESCRIBE IT.

- ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOKIT, MAN,WE GOT SOUP KITCHENS,

PLACES FOR HOMELESS PEOPLETO EAT.

BUT WE DON'T HAVEMASSAGE KITCHENS,

PLACES FOR MASSAGESTO GO DOWN ON HOMELESS PEOPLE.

- HEY, KARL,I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT,

BUT WE HAVE AN OPPORTUNITYFOR YOU AND IT'S PRESSING.

- SHH!- I'M SORRY.

KARL, WE'D LIKE TO YOU JOIN USAT THE XZIBIT CONCERT.

INTERESTED?

- I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOTABOUT WHAT YOU GUYS SAID,

AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,YOU KNOW.

TRYING TO FIND MY INNER PEACE.

AND RIGHT NOW,I'VE KIND OF FOUND IT

IN THIS DUDE'S GIANT BACK.

I'M LOVIN' IT,I'M LOVIN' IT.

SO, UH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAYNA-NAY-NO, MY BROTHERS.

- NO, KARL.COME ON, DUDE.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PRETENDLIKE YOU WERE HAVING SEX

WITH OUR CO-WORKER'S WIFE,

AND THEN HE'S PROBABLYGONNA BEAT YOU UP,

JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.

- CAN MIKE COME?

- ♪ GET DOWN, TURN AROUNDSHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT ♪

♪ YOU A POW POW JUGGERNAUTTAKE IT UP A NOTCH ♪

♪ ALL MY GUYS,WOW, TAKE HIM OUT ♪

♪ LET ME TAKE A SHOT

- THERE'S YOUR BOY.

[rap music blaringfrom headphones]

- I WANT YOU TO COME HEREAND SEE THIS.

- WHO ARE YOU CALLING?- IS THIS THE DUDE?

- AM I THE DUDE?YEAH, I'M THE DUDE, MAN.

I'M THE DUDE, HOMEY.

I'M THE ONEWHO'S BEEN GIVING YOUR WIFE

THE STINKY [bleep], MAN.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?JUST PUNCH ME RIGHT HERE, MAN.

I WANNA BE YOUR BITCH.- HIT HIM.

- YUP, MAKE HIM BLEED.- WHOO!

- I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHATWAS SHE SAYING ABOUT ME?

- HOLD ON, WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU SAY?

- I SAID,WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT ME?

- WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT YOU?UH...

OH, DUDE, SHE WAS SAYING THATYOU HAVE A TINY LITTLE DICK.

ALL RIGHT,LIKE A TOOTSIE ROLL, MAN.

WHILE I HAVETHE CHARLESTON CHEW,

THE KING-SIZED VERSION,

AND YOU KNOW YOUR BITCHHAS A SWEET TOOTH.

all: OH!- HE'S GOT HIM!

- YEAH! WHAT'S UP, NOW?HIT ME. HIT ME, MAN.

- I'M MORE REFERRINGTO HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS.

- EMO--NO, THERE'S NOTHINGEMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, MAN.

YOU DON'T GET IT.YOU CAN'T "F" RIGHT,

AND I GAVE HERTHE DUNKING DONUT,

AND THEN IHAD THAT BITCH DOING

CIRQUE DU SOLEIL [bleep]ALL OVER THE ROOM.

MAN, SHE CREAMED HER PANTIESFOR ME.

- OH!- GOD DAMN IT!

- AND GUESS WHATSHE CALLED ME, MAN.

SHE CALLED ME THE KING.

I'M KING KARL.SAY IT, MIKE.

- HE THE KING.- I'M--SAY IT, MIKE.

- HE'S THE KING!

- ONE MORE TIME, MIKE.- HE THE KING!

- I'M THE KING, MAN.AND GUESS WHAT.

YOU JUST THE PRINCE, MAN.

YOU PRINCE "MONTED.""MONTED," YOU A BITCH.

OKAY? AND THAT BABYIN YOUR WIFE'S STOMACH?

GUESS WHAT, MAN.- TOO FAR.

- THAT'S MINE, DUDE.SORRY, BUT YOU'RE NOT A DADDY.

YOU'RE NOT A DADDY.NOW HIT ME, MAN.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?I'M GLAD YOU HERE,

'CAUSE I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS.

- COME ON, MAN. YOU GET FIRST.YOU GET NUMBER ONE.

COME ON, TED.

- UGH!- OH!

- HELL, YEAH, BITCH.

- OKAY.- YUP, YOU GOT HIM. THAT'S IT.

- GOOD TO GO.- OH! YEAH.

- LOOK WHAT YOU GOT ME DOING,WOMAN!

LOOK WHAT YOU GOT ME DOING.- [laughing]

- OH, THAT'S GONNA BRUISE.- TEZ, STOP IT! STOP IT!

- [laughing]- I WISH I WAS DEAD!

GIVE THAT--OH! OH!- KARL, YOU KNOW--

- KARL! WAIT!TEZ, I'M THE CHEATER.

- WHAT?[groans]

- OH, OKAY.- [laughs]

OH, JESUS.THIS IS A DILDO.

THAT'S A DILDO, GUYS.OH, GROSS, MAN.

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