Monday, January 4, 2016

  • 01/04/2016

Doug Benson, Jonah Ray and Michaela Watkins guess what's stalling the latest "Game of Thrones" book, jam out to #DemocratSongs and look for love on a racist dating site.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID

REFRESH."

>> ECCENTRIC STEAM BOAT CAPTAINGEORGE RR MARTIN CONFESSED ON

HIS LIVE JOURNAL THIS WEEKENDTHAT HE WOULDN'T FINISH

"THE WINDS OF WINTER" BEFORESEASON 6 OF GAME OF THRONES

AIRS.

HIS USUALLY DEMANDING FANS HAVEBEEN SURPRISING COOL WITH THE

AUTHOR'S MISSED DEADLINE,POSTING SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS.

VERY UNCHARACTERISTIC OF THEINTERNET. THINGS LIKE:

"DON'T SWEAT IT, GEORGE."

"TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED TOO,SIR."

"PLEASE DON'T GET STRESSEDOUT AND HAVE A HEART ATTACK,

THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT."

>> Chris: WHAT IS AN EXCUSEGEORGE RRR MARTIN, FROM NOW ON

THAT'S HOW HE MUST BE REFERREDTO. HE'S THE SWEETEST GUY IN

THE WORLD.

BUT STILL, IT'S GEORGE RRRMARTIN.

WHAT IS AN EXCUSE THAT GEORGERRR MARTIN MAY USE FOR MISSING A

DEADLINE.

DOUG.

>> HE'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOWTO GIVE JARVIS A VAGINA.

>> Chris: HE'S NOT, BUTI'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

>> TOO MUCH PUSSY.

Chris: SO MUCH.

>> ALL OF IT.

ALL OF IT.

>> ALL THE PUSSY.

>> ALL THE PUSSY>> Chris: THIS PAST WEEKEND, A

COVINA, CALIFORNIA MAN WASSTABBED BY HIS PIZZA DELIVERY

GUY.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.

NO, NO, THE GUY IS FINE.

OKAY, BUT STILL, IT'D TAKE A LOTOF COMEDIC SKILL TO FIND THE

HUMOR IN SOMEONE GETTING KNIFED.

THANKFULLY, K.T.L.A. REPORTERSTEVE KUZ IS HERE TO TACKLE

THIS SENSITIVE STORY IN THE MOSTAPPROPRIATE WAY...WITH PIZZA

PUNS!

>> THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

WELL, WHEN ONE CUSTOMER STARTEDARGUING WITH THE DOMINO'S

DELIVERY MAN, THE DELIVERY MANGOT ANGRY AND DECIDED TO TAKE A

SLICE OUT OF THE CUSTOMER.

>> OH!

Chris: WHO KNEW.

I THINK IN HIS HEAD HE SAID THATAND IT WAS LIKE, SWISH.

I'M DOING IT.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHEREXTRA-CHEESY PIZZA JOKES THE

KUZ CAN USE?

>> IF THE GUY GOT STABBED MORETHAN 30 TIMES THE PIZZA IS FREE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> THE PIZZA PLACE WAS BURNEDDOWN AND THE VICTIM WAS OVER

DONE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S"#HASHTAGWARS."

OUR FIRST OFFICIAL HASHTAGWARSOF 2016.

THE INTERNET WENT WILD LAST WEEKWITH THE REVELATION THAT

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE AND LIVINGNAP, BERNIE SANDERS, RECORDED AN

ALBUM OF HOT N' NASTY FOLK ROCKBACK IN '87. 1887.

HERE'S A TASTE OF THE HIT SINGLE"WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS

GONE" WITH SOME SWEET FOOTAGE OFBERNIE DROPPING IT LIKE IT'S HOT

ON "ELLEN".

>> WHERE HAVE ALL THE SOLDIERSGONE?

GONE TO GRAVEYARDS EVERY ONE.

>> ON KEY AND UPLIFTING.

>> Chris: I KNOW THAT SOUNDEDLIKE AN OLD MAN MUTTERING AT A

BUS STATION, BUT EVERYWOLF-SHIRT-WEARING AUNT WITH A

GREY PONYTAIL DOWN TO HER WAISTJUST GOT SUPES HORNY.

COMEDIANS, THIS IS THE CLOSESTTHING THE DEMOCRATS HAVE TO AN

OFFICIAL THEME SONG AND SO WE'REGOING TO HELP THEM OUT A LITTLE

BIT WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAGDEMOCRAT SONGS.

EXAMPLES: "HIT ME BERNIE ONEMORE TIME" AND "DUDE LOOKS LIKE

A LADY AND WE'RE TOTALLY COOLWITH THAT".

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK BEGIN.

>> SMELLS LIKE WEED SPIRIT.

Chris: POINTS.

>> JAMIE HAS TO GET ON A LISTAND WAIT A FEW WEEKS TO ACQUIRE

A GUN.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

YOU.

>> ALL MY EXs LIVE WITHREASONABLE SPOUSAL SUPPORT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAELA.

BECAUSE YOUR KISS, YOUR KISS ISSOCIALIST.

Chris: POINTS.

>> BABY GOT TAX.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD THAT NEEDS FIXING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHAELA.

>> IT'S MY PLAN B, I WILL BUY ITIF I WANT TO.

YOU WOULD BUY IT TOO IF YOU[BEEP] A DJAY TOO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "SO LOWSHOWS."

[ APPLAUSE ]FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN,

ONE-MAN SHOWS FALL SOMEWHERE ONTHE THEATRICAL SPECTRUM BETWEEN

IMPROV TROUPE AND DONKEY SHOW.

BUT INEVITABLY ALL OF US WILLSOMEDAY GET TRICKED BY A FRIEND

INTO SPENDING TWO HOURSIN A STANKY BASEMENT WATCHING

THIS KIND OF STUFF.

>> I'M THINKING TO MYSELF WOOOO>> Chris: WACKY CHARACTERS?

AWKWARD STAGING?

MEDIOCRE TALENT?

IT'S NOT GOT IT ALL!

SO IN HONOR OF THESEWANNA-BE-BARDS, COMEDIANS, I'M

GOING TO SHOW YOU A POSTER FROMA ONE-MAN PLAY AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL MESOMETHING ABOUT EACH ONE.

FIRST UP LET'S GET SERIOUS WITH "CRY OF THE MOUNTAIN."

GIVE ME A LINE FROM "CRY OF THEMOUNTAIN."

>> HEY, MOUNTAIN, I KNOW YOU'RESAD AND ALL.

[LAUGHING]>> BUT SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO

SLEEP.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> COME ON, WHAT'S THE MATTERHORN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> WORST MOUNTAIN PUN EVEREST.

Chris: WHAT ABOUT THIS KOOKIN "NOW WHOSE CRAZY NOW"?

[LAUGHING]WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS

DURING THE INTERMISSION OF THESHOW, DOUG.

>> EVERYONE LEAVES.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> SHE CONTEMPLATES ALLOF HER LIFE CHOICES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NO POINTS.

>> YOU SAID POINTS.

>> I STARTED TOO.

>> DON'T BE A SLAVE TO THEM,CHRIS.

BE YOUR OWN MAN, IT'S 2016.

>> Chris: THEY DIDN'T WANT TOGIVE THEM TO YOU.

>> AFTERWARDS.

Chris: THIS AUDIENCE DIDN'TWANT TO GIVE THEM TO YOU.

>> CHRIS.

Chris: YOU TALK TO THEM AFTERTHE SHOW.

YOU CAN ASK THEM DIRECTLY WHYYOU LET THEM DOWN.

ALRIGHT.

>> YOU CAN DO A SHOW "NOW WHOSESAD NOW."

>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS FORMICHAELA FOR.

THAT.

>> JUST LIKE THE MOUNTAIN.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MICHAELA.

>> I THINK AT THE INTERMISSIONSHE MAILED A DEAD CAT TO HER

EX-HUSBAND AND --[LAUGHING]

>> -- AND HIS [BEEP] PAMELA.

Chris: POINTS TO MICHAELA.

NEXT ONE "BIRTHING THE CRONE."

>> WHAT IS WRITTEN ON THEPROGRAM OF THIS PLAY?

JONAH.

>> A SUICIDE NOTE.

Chris: ALRIGHT.

POINTS.

MICHAELA WATKINS.

>> LIKE WHAT YOU SAW TONIGHT?

VISIT YOUR THERAPIST AND FINDOUT WHY.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

DOUG BENSON.

>> THE MANAGEMENT APOLOGIZESBECAUSE IN THIS EVENING'S

PERFORMANCE THE ROLL OF LISAWILSON WILL BE PLAYED BY LISA

WILSON.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT THE PALEST PLACE ON

CYBERSPACE SINCEMAYONAISELOVERS.

WAYTOOMANYSCARVES, AND ASKED YOUTO MESSAGE SOMEONE ON

"WHERE WHITE PEOPLE MEET".

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

MICHAELA WATKINS, LETS STARTWITH YOU.

>> I'M LOOKING FOR A MAN TO SETMY HEART ON FIRE LIKE A CROSS ON

SOMEONE'S YARD.

>> Chris: YES.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: JONAH.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PASSAGEFROM MEIN KAMPF.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> HEY, WHITES UP!

"RISK

TSK."

"TIME" MAGAZINE IS IN THE NEWS,WHICH IS RARE FOR A MAGAZINE

THESE DAYS.

THEY RAN A LIST OF THE TOP TEN RISKS AND THREATS FACING

THE WORLD IN 2016.

FOR INSTANCE, WATCH OUT FORISIS!

IN 2016.

GOOD REPORTING "TIME" MAGAZINE.

YOU'VE GOT MORE SCOOPS THANBASKIN-ROBBINS!

GOTTA SAY, OVERALL, THOSE ARESOME PRETTY BORING RISKS.

RISKS SHOULD BE RISKY, LIKEGETTING YOUR BALLS WAXED AT

FANTASTIC SAM'S.

"GOTTA BE THE HAIR".

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEAS MANY ACTUAL RISKS TO THE

WORLD IN 2016 AS YOU CAN.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK. BEGIN.

>> COURTNEY LOVE IS ELIGIBLEFOR THE ROCK-N-ROLL HALL OF

FAME.

>> OH, POINTS.

Chris: MICHAELA.

>> I MIGHT NEVER BE A MEMBER OFTAYLOR SWIFT'S SQUAD.

>> Chris: JONAH.

>> TRUE DETECTIVE 3.

>> AMANDA BYNES RE-APPEARS ANDSEES HER SHADOW, SIX MORE WEEKS

OF WINTER.

>> Chris: JONAH.

>> I'M AT RISK OF TELLING PEOPLETHAT [BEEP] DIES IN THE NEW STAR

WARS.

I DID IT.

>> Chris: OH!

>> HEY, YOU HAVE HAVEN'T SEEN ITYET [BEEP] YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT -- THE MOVIE HASBEEN OUT FOR WEEKS.

IT'S MADE ALMOST A BILLIONDOLLARS.

CATCH UP OR SHUT UP!