CC Presents: Todd Barry (2006)

  • Season 10, Ep 12
  • 03/30/2006

Fresh from oral sex camp in Tahiti, Todd Barry shares celeb date stories and new apartment news.

THAT'S VERY NICE.

BUT LET'S TRY TO SIMULATE NORMAL SITUATIONS, SHALL WE?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. "TODD, THIS IS YOUR SECOND

"COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS..."

BUT YOU'RE WEARINGTHE SAME WATCH YOU WOREON THE FIRST ONE."

YOU ARE CORRECT, PEOPLE.

THE WATCH IS OLD. BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S BRAND-NEW.

FOUR OF THE 30 MINUTES I'M ABOUT TO DO FOR YOU GUYS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I RAN INTO A FRIEND OF MINE I HADN'T SEEN IN A WHILE.

HE'S A PASTRY CHEF. I SAID, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

HE'S LIKE, "OH, GOTTA GO TO FRANCE TO GO TO CHOCOLATE SCHOOL."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO, 'NOT MUCH, HOW ABOUT YOU?'

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU'RE NOT ONLYGOING TO FRANCE,

"YOU'RE GOING THERE TO STUDY CHOCOLATE.

"NORMALLY I WOULD'VE BEEN JEALOUS. BUT LUCKILY,

"I HAPPENED TO BEON MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT

"WHERE I WAS GOING TO TAHITI TO GO TO CUNNILINGUS CAMP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE SCHOOL IN FRANCE.

"CUNNILINGUS CAMP IN TAHITI.

"THE DAY STARTS AT 6AM, DOESN'T END 'TIL 6PM.

"ONLY TWO BREAKS.ONE FOR LUNCH,

THE OTHER OF COURSE FOR ARTS AND CRAFTS."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAW A WOMAN ON THE STREET WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAID,

"NURSES KICK BUTT."

I DON'T WANT A NURSE WHO KICKS BUTT.

I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA

OF PUMPED-UP HEALTH CARE WORKERS.

I DON'T WANNA BE LYING IN THE OPERATING ROOM THE DOOR GETS KICKED OPEN.

THERE'S A GUY STANDING THERE IN SCRUBS.

"HI, I'M STANLEY FEINBERG. I'M YOUR NEUROLOGIST.

"AND TONIGHT, I AM GONNA TEAR THIS PLAYHOUSE DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- "SCALPEL, BITCH. - [LAUGHTER]

"BITCH, WHERE'S THAT SCALPEL? BITCH, COME ON.

"BITCH, SERIOUSLY, WHERE'S THAT SCALPEL?

I'M BEING REALLY NICE.I'M CALLING YOU BITCH."

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I MAKE AN ASTONISHINGAMOUNT OF MONEY.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GO THROUGH WALLETS LIKE CRAZY.

I WENT IN THERE, SAID, "DO YOU SELL WALLETS?"

GUY GOES,"I DON'T KNOW IF WE DO.

BUT IF WE DID, THEY'D BE ON THE 2nd FLOOR, 3rd TABLE IN FROM THE LEFT."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWIF YOU SELL THEM?

"BUT WITH PINPOINT ACCURACY,

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND THEM."

I GO TO THE 2nd FLOOR.I DON'T SEE ANY WALLETS.

I FIND ANOTHER SALESMAN. I GO, "DO YOU SELL WALLETS?"

GUY LOOKS AT ME, GOES, "NO WALLETS, NO TIES."

AS IF I'VE HEARD THE WALLET QUESTION,

WE ALL KNOW WHAT'S COMING UP AROUND THE BEND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I COULD UNDERSTANDNO WALLETS AT OLD NAVY, BUT NO TIES?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR WITH MY MOCK-RIB TURTLENECK?

AND PURPLE CAMOUFLAGE CARGO PANTS? I GOT A FUNERAL TO GO TO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, NOW I GET EMAILS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

AND PEOPLE HAVE UNBELIEVABLE QUESTIONS. THEY BE LIKE, "DEAR TODD.

"I'M GOING TO SEE YOUR SHOW IN COLUMBUS, OHIO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET INTO THAT CLUB?"

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU WANNA MAYBE CALL THE CLUB WITH THAT ONE,

INSTEAD OF GOINGDIRECTLY TO THE ARTIST?"

YOU THINK MICK JAGGER GETS EMAILS LIKE THAT?

"DEAR MICK. I'M GOING TO SEE YOU

"AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT WEEK.

"I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE STRAIGHT FROM WORK.

"NOT GONNA HAVE TIMETO GET ANYTHING TO EAT.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE FOR A HOT DOG?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I ALSO HAVEN'T BEEN THERE AWHILE.

"CAN YOU MAPQUEST ME DIRECTIONS?

CHECK OUT MY AMAZON WISH LIST WHILE YOU'RE AT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I DID A SHOW IN PITTSBURGH. WOMAN RUNS UP TO ME

AFTER MY SHOW ALL SMILING. SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

YOU ARE SO MUCH FUNNIER LIVETHAN YOU ARE ON COMEDY CENTRAL."

AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I BET YOUR COMMENTS ARE BETTER TELEVISED.

"MAYBE YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN SHOW

ON THE NEW BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT NETWORK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO COLLEGE, UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA, YEAH.

- [APPLAUSE]- OH, THANK YOU.

I SAID THAT ONCE AND A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE GOES, "BOO."

I'M LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU BOOING, SIR?"

HE'S LIKE, "FLORIDA STATE, MAN."

"OH, YOU WENT TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL. MYSTERY SOLVED."

I LOVE THAT MENTALITY.

"BOO. YOU WENT TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL THAN I DID.

"I WANT EVERYONE GOING TO THE SAME SCHOOL, ONE SCHOOL.

"140 MILLION STUDENTS OR I GO, 'BOO.'

"I AM THE LEAST TOLERANT HUMAN BEING ON EARTH.

"WHAT'D YOU HAVE FOR DINNER, CHINESE FOOD?

- "I HAD JAPANESE. 'BOO.' - [LAUGHTER]

"YOU LIKE TRISCUITS, I LIKE WHEAT THINS, 'BOO.'

"YOU LIKE REGULAR STARBURST FRUIT CHEWS.

- "I LIKE THE TROPICAL. 'BOO.'" - [LAUGHTER]

SOME WORDS FREAK ME OUTFOR NO REASON.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY "FRIDGE" INSTEAD OF "REFRIGERATOR,"

I WANNA CLIMB UPON TOP OF A WATER TOWER

AND PICK PEOPLE OFF WITH A SHOTGUN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.I WAS OUT ON A DATE WITH JULIA ROBERTS.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE BACK AT HER APARTMENT. SHE'S LIKE, "TODD, I'M JUST

"GONNA GO IN THE NEXT ROOM AND PUT SOME PERFUME ON MY BELLY.

WHY DON'T YOU GRABA BEER FROM THE FRIDGE?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE,"WHAT WAS THAT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "I'M GONNA PUT SOME PERFUME--"

"NO, I LIKE PERFUME. WHAT WAS THE OTHER PART?"

"WHY DON'T YOU GO GRABA BEER FROM THE FRIDGE?"

I WAS LIKE, "HOW CAN I DO THAT WHEN I'M [BLEEP] OUTTA HERE?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I STORMED OUTTAJULIA ROBERTS' APARTMENT,

PASSED HER DOORMAN ON THE WAY OUT.

IT'S LIKE,"TODD, WHAT'S WRONG MAN,

YOU COULDA HAD SOME OF THAT."

AND I SAID, "SIR, YOU ARE A VERY UNPROFESSIONAL DOORMAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'I COULDA HAD SOME OF THAT'?

YOU DISGUSTING?" I GOT SELF-RIGHTEOUS ON HIM.

I JUST GOT A NEWAPARTMENT PEOPLE, YEAH.

YOU GUYS CAN ALLCOME STAY AT THE HOUSE.

WOW. IT'S BEAUTIFUL, MAN,

23-BEDROOM APARTMENT, SERIOUSLY.

EVERY BEDROOM HAS ABABY GRAND PIANO IN IT.

SITTING NEXT TO THE BABY GRAND PIANO, I SWEAR TO GOD,

A REGULAR SIZED GRAND PIANO.

ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST DID A STORY ABOUT THE PLACE.

THEY CALLED IT THE"PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE BAG PALACE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH TOO MANY COUPLES,

HANGING OUT WITH THE"WE AGREE ON EVERYTHING" COUPLE.

THEY PRETEND TO SHARE THE MOST OBSCURE OPINIONS IN THE WORLD.

YOU'LL ASK 'EM ABOUT A MOVIE THEY SAW.

"HEY, DID YOU SEE THATNEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE?"

"YES, WE SAW IT." "DID YOU LIKE IT?"

"WE THOUGHT THE SCRIPT WAS GOOD.

"BUT WE THOUGHT THEY SHOULD'VE USED

DIFFERENT LIGHTINGIN THE EXTERIOR SHOTS."

"WOW. YOU BOTH WALKED OUTTA THE THEATER THINKING THAT?

"THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE. I THINK EVEN A MARRIED COUPLE OF LIGHTING DIRECTORS

"WOULD NOT HAVE AN OCCURRENCE THAT WEIRD.

"WHAT I'M THINKING HAPPENED IS ONE OF YOU SAID THAT.

"THE OTHER BEING WEAK AND PATHETIC...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"PRETENDED TO AGREE. AND NOW WE'RE

SUPPOSED TO THINK YOURTWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE,

'CAUSE GOD FORBID YOU DISAGREED ON A MOVIE."

I WAS DATING A WOMAN AND BEFORE WE HAD

OUR FIRST LITTLE SEX TALK, SHE ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO ME.

SHE GOES, "TODD, I'VE HAD ANAL SEX BEFORE.

BUT DON'T ASK ME WHO IT WAS WITH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK IF I MADE A LIST OF EVERY QUESTION I'D ASK BEFORE THAT ONE,

IT WOULD BE A LIST OFEVERY QUESTION INCLUDING

WHO SHOT JR, WHERE'S THE BEEF,

AND WHY WOULD YOU THINKI'D WANNA KNOW THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, MAYBE NOT WHERE'S THE BEEF

'CAUSE SHE MIGHTANSWER THAT ONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE GONNASPEND THE NIGHT,

THEY ASK YOU IF YOU'LL SET AN ALARM?

"HEY, CAN YOU SET AN ALARM? I GOTTA WAKE UP FOR WORK."

"I COULD. BUT THAT ALARM'S GONNA WAKE ME UP, ALSO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THEY DON'T SELL AN ALARM THAT'LL ONLY WAKE YOU UP.

"WELL, NOT EVEN AT THAT PLACE BROOKSTONE.

"CAN YOU JUST CALL IN SICK?

I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON A NICE, AWKWARD BREAKFAST."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKE TATTOOED WOMEN.ANY TATTOOED WOMEN HERE TONIGHT?

SOMETIMES I'LL MAKE FUN OF A WOMAN 'CAUSE I THINK

SHE HAS A BAD TATTOO.THEN IT BACKFIRES ON ME

WHEN SHE TELLS ME THE STORY BEHIND THE TATTOO.

I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, THAT'S A GREAT SMILEY-FACE TATTOO.

THAT'S REALLY ORIGINAL.""IT'S NOT A SMILEY-FACE.

IT'S A POLICE SKETCH OF THE MAN WHO STOLE MY BABY."

- [LAUGHTER] - "OH. WHOOPS.

"WELL, I WILL BEON THE LOOKOUT

"FOR A GENTLEMAN WITH A PERFECTLY ROUND HEAD

AND AMAZING BRIGHT YELLOW SKIN."

WITH HIS LITTLE THREE YEAR-OLD BOY.

THE BOY WAS WEARINGA DEAD KENNEDYS T-SHIRT.

I WANTED TO WALK UP TO THE FATHER AND GO,

"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR KID AIN'T THAT COOL."

I COULD JUST SEE THE FATHER DRESSING THE KID WITH THE MOTHER SAYING,

"HONEY, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT LITTLE BLUE SWEATER ON HIM?

IF HE WEARS THAT,HOW IS ANYONE GONNA KNOW

HOW GREAT MY CD COLLECTION IS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"CAN'T YOU FIND HIM ANICE-SIZED NEGATIVE-FIVEDEAD KENNEDYS SHIRT?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN SAN FRANCISCO.

I WALKED BY A SHORT MEN'S CLOTHING SHOP.

I'D NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE.I SAID, "HEY, I'M KINDA SHORT."

I WENT IN THERE, LOOKED AT SOME OF THE SIZES.

GUESS WHAT PEOPLE, TODD BARRY, TOO DAMN TALL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TOO TALL FOR THE LITTLE GUY SHOP.

I WALKED IN THERE. THE SALESMAN'S FREAKING OUT.

HE'S LIKE, "HOW'D YOUEVEN GET IN HERE, MAN?"

HELP POLICE, THERE'S A GIANT." AND THEN THE COPS SHOWED UP

AND PULLED ME OUTTA THERE WITH A CRANE.

[LAUGHTER]

PUT ME IN A SPECIAL JAIL CELL WITH EXTRA-HIGH CEILINGS.

THE CONTAINER STORE JUST OPENED UP IN NEW YORK. THAT PLACE IS AMAZING,

AT THESE COMEDY CLUBS, DO YOU HIT ON THE WAITRESSES?"

PEOPLE, I'M A PROFESSIONAL. AND I HAVE A POLICY.

I WILL NOT HIT ON THE WAIT STAFF

UNTIL EVERY OPPORTUNITY IN THE AUDIENCE HAS BEEN EXHAUSTED.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S CALLED PROFESSIONALISM.

I DID A COMEDY FESTIVAL IN AUSTRALIA AND I GOT REVIEWED.

AND I'M GONNA READ YOU A COUPLA THE REVIEWS, I GUESS.

THIS WON'T TAKE LONG. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I GOT GOOD REVIEWS, BASICALLY.

BUT THEY WROTE 'EM IN A WAY THAT I STILL FELT AWFUL.

I'LL READ THIS ONE.THIS IS IN PRESS FROM MELBOURNE.

"IN A FESTIVAL WHERE SLICK MULTIMEDIA PRESENTATIONS

"ARE THE NORM, THE SIMPLICITY OF THIS SHOW IS THE INTELLECTUAL HUMOR

EQUIVALENT OF TAKING A YOGA CLASS."

OH. WELL,SLAP THAT ON MY POSTER.

"HONEY, WE SHOULD GO SEE THIS SHOW.

IT'S LIKE TAKING A HOT, SWEATY, AWFUL YOGA CLASS."

"YOU MEAN IT'S NOT FUN?" "EXACTLY."

THIS ONE'S FROMTHE CHASER IN MELBOURNE.

"IN THE SHOW WE SAW, BARRY HAD A TENDENCY TO GET DOWN ON HIMSELF

"FOR NOT WHIPPING THE AUDIENCE INTO A FRENZY.

"BUT WHEN YOUR DELIVERY LEVEL IS ONE NOTCH ABOVE HYPNOSIS...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT IS HARDLY SURPRISING."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BAD REVIEW, RIGHT?

BUT THE GUY GOES ON. "WHAT ISN'T SURPRISING HOWEVER,

"IS THAT HE'S AVERY SKILLED PERFORMER.

"AS FOR HIS PLACID STYLE, THE AUDIENCE WEREN'T READY TO RIOT IN THE STREETS.

BUT THEY WERE HAPPY.AND ISN'T THAT KINDA THE POINT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK IT'S MORE THAN KINDA THE POINT.IT IS THE POINT.

SO, WHY'D YOU WRITE THAT OTHER CRAP?

AND WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHOW YOU LOVED SO MUCH

- YOU RIOTED IN THE STREETS? - [LAUGHTER]

"HONEY, THAT WAS A GOOD CHAMBER ORCHESTRA WE JUST SAW.

WANNA GO GET A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY?"

"NO. WHY DON'T WE SET A DUMPSTER ON FIRE?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

A WOMAN COMES UP TO ME AFTER ONE OF MY SHOWS AND SHE GOES,

"TODD, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT?" SHE GOES, "TODD, ARE YOU GAY?"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT WAS THAT?" SHE GOES, "ARE YOU GAY?"

"OH, AM I GAY? NO, I'M NOT. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"I WAS WATCHING YOU ON STAGE.

I'M THINKING AH,THIS GUY'S GAY."

I SAID, "WHAT ABOUT MY ACT MADE YOU THINK I WAS GAY?"

SHE LOOKS AT ME, SHE GOES, "HMM, YOUR TIMING."

MY TIMING, I HAVE GAY TIMING?

WHAT A BIZARRE COMMENT ABOUT A COMEDY ACT.

BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT MY TIMING. AND I DO SPEAK SLOWLY.

AND I GUESS IN THE SPACE BETWEENMY JOKES I COULD MEET A MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FALL BEAUTIFULLY IN LOVE,TAKE THE TRAIN TO MASSACHUSETTS,

HAVE A LOVELY WEDDING, TAKE ANOTHER PAUSE,

AND THEN DIVE RIGHT BACK INTO MY ACT.

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