Wednesday, October 21, 2015

  • 10/21/2015

Michelle Wolf, Nikki Limo and Grace Helbig plan Barack Obama and Joe Biden's post-presidency road trip, sing #CerealSongs and watch retro sex ed videos.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: SINCE JOHN BOEHNER

SLID DOWN AS SPEAKER OF THEHOUSE,

REPUBLICANS HAVE BEENDESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND

SOMEONE TO FILL THAT HOLE.

IT'S APPARENTLY THE LEASTDESIRABLE JOB OPENING SINCE THE

BATHROOM ATTENDANT AT THEGATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS.

WISCONSIN REPRESENTATIVE ANDPILATES INSTRUCTOR WHO'S

SECRETLY [BLEEP]ING YOUR MOMPAUL RYAN SEEMS TO WANT THE JOB.

HE WAS MITT ROMNEY'S RUNNINGMATE IN 2012, WHO WAS PRONE TO

TAKING HUNKTASTICPHOTOS LIKE THIS ONE

FROM A TIME MAGAZINE SPREADWHERE HE WAS DEMONSTRATING HIS

WORKOUT TECHNIQUE.

HE GIVING A LOOK THAT SEEMS TOSAY, "HEY GIRL, YOU LIKE

DEVASTATING BUDGET CUTS? CHECKOUT WHAT ELSE IS CUT. BAM!"

THIS TAUT, SHAVED, NO-DRAMAREPUBLICAN [BLEEP]BOY IS

INTERESTED IN THE JOB BUTONLY IF HIS SPECIFIC

REQUIREMENTS ARE MET.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME OF THISDREAMY PUBLIC SERVANT'S DEMANDS?

>> HE GETS ONE HOUR EVERYAFTERNOON TO WATCH ENRIQUE

IGLESIAS MUSIC VIDEOS ALONE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT'S HOW HE WORKS THE OTHERARM.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NIKKI.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY HE DEMANDS ATWINKLE BE PHOTOSHOPPED INTO HIS

EYE BEFORE EVERY PICTURE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THANK YOU.

Chris: ALRIGHT.

LOOKS LIKE THE INTERNET HAS COMEDOWN WITH A SEVERE CASE OF DANCE

FEVER. LAST WEEK, CURLY-SPINEDFATHER TIME BERNIE SANDERS

VISITED THE SET OF "ELLEN" TO DOWHAT TECHNICALLY QUALIFIES

AS BUSTING A MOVE I THINK.

♪♪

>> Chris: I COULD WATCH THIS FORA [BLEEP]IN' HOUR.

I REALLY COULD.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> THERE'S SOMETHING ODDLY

CALMING ABOUT IT.

>> IT'S THE PLANTS.

Chris: IT IS.

>> IT'S LIKE HE'S IN THEWILDERNESS.

Chris: "I LIKE WATCHING OLDMAN QUIVER CUT A RUG ON THE

'ELLEN' PROGRAM."

ALTHOUGH I THINK HE'S GONNA FEELTHAT IN THE MORNING.

THEN YESTERDAY, SOCIAL MEDIAWENT NUTS WHEN

SENSITIVE SWEATER GANGSTA DRAKEDROPPED HIS VIDEO FOR "HOTLINE

BLING" FROM INSIDE THE SET OF"HOLLYWOOD SQUARES,"

I THINK.

♪ CALL ME ON MY CELLPHONE♪ LATE NIGHT WHEN YOU NEED MY

LOVE.

>> Chris: RIGHT.

NOW WE HAVE THESE TWO GUYSTOGETHER, I THINK ALL WE NEED TO

DO IS GET DRAKE TO LIFT BERNIESANDERS OVER HIS HEAD LIKE THAT.

NOBODY PUTS BERNIE IN ACORNER.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TOPITCH ME THE MOVIE WHERE

BERNIE SANDERS AND DRAKE FORM ABOND OVER THEIR SHARED LOVE OF

DANCE. MICHELLE.

>> "SELMA: THE MUSICAL."

Chris: ALRIGHT.POINTS.

GRACE.

>> OKAY HEAR ME OUT.

IN THE FUTURE WHEN DANCE BECOMESTHE PRIMARY FORM OF BATTLE

BERNIE SANDERS HAS TO DEFENDCANADA WITH ITS GREATEST DANCE

ASSET IN "WEAPON OF MASSDRAKE-STRUCTION."

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

POINTS.

EXCELLENT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I LIKE HOW IT ROLLS OFF THE

TONGUE.

>> Chris: YES. THAT WAS A LOT OFDANCEFLOOR TO LAY BUT IN THE END

YOU PULLED OFF THE PERFECTPIROUETTE.

>> YA, BASED ON A BOOK.

[LAUGHING][ APPLAUSE ]

LET'S DO THE "#HASHTAGWARS" NOW[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: HEY STONED PEOPLE,WAKE UP FOR THIS PART.

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, KYLE.

LUCKY CHARMS HAS PLANTED TENSPECIAL BOXES OUT THERE

THAT CONTAIN 100% MARSHMALLOWS,AND IF YOU FIND ONE OF THEM,

YOU WIN--TYPE-2 DIABETES.

LET BIZ MARKIE EXPLAIN.

♪ YOU WANT MARSHMALLOW ONLY BUTYOU SEE THERE'S ONLY TEN, FOR

THE #LUCKY10. ♪

>> WOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: IN HONOR OF THIS

SWEET, SWEET SWEEPSTAKES,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#CEREALSONGS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: "LET'S TALKABOUT CHEX"

OR "I CAN'T FEEL MY FLAKES."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

GRACE.

>> ♪ IT'S RAISIN BRAN.

>> Chris: GRACE, IT WASRIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

HOW DID WE MISS THAT? POINTS.MICHELLE.

>> WHEATIES DIDN'T START THEFIRE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GODDAMN IT.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> ♪ LOSE YOURSELF IN THEMUSLIX, THE MOMENT, YOU OWN IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> TWO SCOOPS I DID IT AGAIN.

Chris: MICHELLE.

>> MO' FIBER, MO' PROBLEMS.

Chris: YEAH POINTS.

>> APPLE JACK AND DIANE.

>> I DID IT ALL FOR COOKIECRISP.

>> ♪ HONEY BUNCHES OF OH OH OATSIT'S MAGIC.

>> Chris: WE ALSO WOULD HAVEACCEPTED ♪ "OH OH OH OATS."

MICHELLE.

>> FRUIT, FRUIT DE LOOP, FRUITDE LOOP.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "VITALPEEN-FORMATION."

"VITAL PEEN-FORMATION."

THERE'S A LOT OF BAD INFORMATIONON THE INTERNET WHEN IT COMES TO

SEX.

YOUNG KIDS PROBABLY THINK THEYHAVE TO SNAPCHAT DICK PICS FOR

BITCOIN, OR GO TO SCHOOL ON THEBANG BUS, OR THAT IT'S

ACCEPTABLE TO DRAW EROTICPICTURES OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

IT IS.

>> OH, NO.

>> THIS SONIC SPENDS ALL HISTIME COLLECTING [BLEEP] RINGS.

COMEDIANS, IN ORDER TO GIVE OURIMPRESSIONABLE VIEWERS SOME

USEFUL INFORMATION, I'M GOING TOSHOW YOU A CLASSIC SEX ED VIDEO,

AND, FOR 250 POINTS, YOU'REGOING TO GIVE ME THE NEXT LINE.

FIRST UP, THIS QUESTION ABOUTPREMARITAL RELATIONS.

>> WHAT IF I WANT TO HAVE SEXBEFORE I GET MARRIED?

>> WELL, I GUESS YOU JUST HAVETO BE PREPARED TO DIE.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

WHAT'S THE NEXT LINE, GRACE?

>> THAT'S HOW MY HUSBAND DIED,AND I DON'T MISS HIM AT ALL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: "BECAUSE I WASCHEATING

ON HIM WITH JESUS."

[LAUGHING]>> "WHO IS MY NEIGHBOR."

Chris: NEXT ONE.

THIS CLIP FROM "WHO AM I NOW."

>> YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING, GOAHEAD.

>> IT'S EMBARRASSING, BUT WHATABOUT, YOU KNOW, GETTING AN

ERECTION AT THE WRONG TIME?

>> I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL.

Chris: NIKKI.

>> THERE IS NO WRONG TIME.

[LAUGHING][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Chris: GRACE HELBIG.

>> AND LIKE YOUR TINY BONER IVANISH INTO THIN AIR.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: WAIT, WHAT, WAIT A

MINUTE.

I'M SORRY, GRACE. DO YOU THINKBONERS JUST DISAPPEAR?

>> LIKE THAT.

>> Chris: NO THEY DON'T.

>> IT'S MAGIC.

Chris: THEY JUST HIBERNATE,THEY DON'T EXPLODE.

>> THEY EXPLODE.

>> THEY EXPLODE.

Chris: YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> WE WOULD KNOW.

>> WE'RE GIRLS.

Chris: YOU'RE RIGHT.

SORRY.

NEXT ONE, THISANTI-MASTURBATION VLOGGER.

>> WHEN YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PORNSTAR AND YOU THINK OF HER IN

YOUR HEAD, THERE'S A DEMON INTHE SPIRIT REALM ASSIGNED, A

PRINCIPALITY OR RULER ASSIGNEDTO THAT ACTRESS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MICHELLE.

>> AND I SAY -- THESE DEMONS ARETHE ONLY FATHER FIGURES THESE

ACTRESSES EVER HAD.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: NEXT UP THESE DIVORCED

ART TEACHER TYPES TEACHING GIRLSABOUT THEIR VAGINAS.

>> TODAY WE'RE GOING TO TALKABOUT --

>> TODAY WE'RE GOING TO TALKABOUT --

>> OH!

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NIKKI.

>> WELCOME TO DAY CARE ATBURNING MAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

GRACE.

>> KIDZ BOP GOT DIFFERENT.

Chris: POINTS.

>> IT TOTALLY MIGHT LOOK LIKETHAT, BUT WE CAN'T SEE.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE A MIRROR TOSEE DOWN THERE. I DON'T HAVE ANY

IDEA.

>> I'M A HUNDRED PERCENT, MINELOOKS LIKE THAT.

>> YA.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YA.

NEXT ONE.

THIS BOLLYWOOD-INSPIRED GUIDE TOCONDOMS!

THIS BOLLYWOOD-INSPIRED GUIDE TOCONDOMS!

>> Chris: MICHELLE.

>> WE'RE THE INDAN TELETUBBIESAND YOU CAN PUT US ON YOUR

TINKIE-WINKIE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL DONE.

NEXT UP.

THIS PUBLIC PARK TROUBADOUR.

>> OUR ANUS IS A USEFUL THING,INDEED.

THE ANUS GIVES RELIEF IN TIMEOF NEED.

WE ALL HAVE AN ANUS, NO MATTERWHAT YOU'VE HEARD.

REMEMBER THAT ANUS IS THE PROPERWORD.

>> Chris: GRACE.

>> WHAT RESTRAINING ORDER? AM IRIGHT?

>> Chris: POINTS.

THEN THE REVERSE SHOT OF THEHORRIFIED CHILDREN ON THE

PLAYGROUND AND THEIR ANGRYPARENTS.

LAST ONE.

LAST ONE.

THIS LOCKER ROOMHEART-TO-HEART.

>> BEFORE WE MOVED HERE, I USEDTO GO TO A SCHOOL WHERE WE HAD

TO GO SWIMMING IN THE BARE.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED ABOUT THESIZE OF MY PENIS THAT WE USED TO

DREAD THE DAYS WE HAD TO GOSWIMMING.

>> Chris: NIKKI.

Audience: CHOO CHOOChris: WELL PLAYED.

BEFORE THE SHOW I ASKED THEAUDIENCE TO MAKE A TRAIN NOISE

WHEN THEY FELT LIKE IT DURINGTHE SHOW.

YOU PICKED A PERFECT TIME.AUDIENCE POINTS TO YOU, MY

FRIEND.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: NIKKI.

>> AND THAT'S WHEN I KNEW I HADTO GET REALLY REALLY GOOD AT

EATING [BEEP][LAUGHING]

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> JESUS, DAVE, I JUST ASKED IFWE HAD A QUIZ TOMORROW.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, WE SHOWED YOUA MARATHONER WHOSE FEET ARE SORE

FROM RUNNING THROUGH YOURDREAMS, AND WE ASKED YOU TO

CATCALL HIM WITH YOUR BESTPICKUP LINE.

ALRIGHT, COMEDIANS. NIKKI, GOFIRST.

>> I'M MORE OF A 5K GIRL BUTI'M INTO MIXED RACE

RELATIONSHIPS.

>> Chris: WELL DONE, VERY WELLDONE.

MICHELLE.

>> HEY SEXY I'D TOTALLY SWALLOWYOUR CARBO LOAD.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: GRACE HELBIG.

>> ONCE YOUR NIPPLE STOPSBLEEDING AND YOUR BUTTHOLE

STOPS UNCONTROLLABLYDIARRHEA-ING,

WANNA NETFLIX ANDCHILL?

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME "FRIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!"

THIS TIME LAST YEAR, WE FEATURED

AN AWESOME GALLERY OF PHOTOSTAKEN AT THE NIGHTMARES FEAR

FACTORY IN NIAGARA FALLS OFTERRIFIED VISITORS CAPTURED

MID-PANTSLOAD, AND THIS YEAR'SGALLERY IS EVEN BETTER.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PICTUREFROM NIGHTMARESFEARFACTORY.COM,

AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHATYOU THINK THEY'RE SO AFRAID OF.

I'M STARTING THE CLOCK NOW.HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

>> THEY'VE REALIZED THEY STEPPEDOUT OF NEW JERSEY FOR THE FIRST

TIME.

>> Chris: WHAT'S HE AFRAID OF?

>> PROGRESS.

Chris: POINTS.

WHAT ABOUT THEM, MICHELLE?

>> GETTING ANOTHER SISTER WIFE.

Chris: POINTS.

YES, NEXT ONE.

THIS LITTLE RED MURDER VICTIM.

>> TALBOTS IS CLOSED.

Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP, THESE FREAKED OUTBROS. NIKKI.

>> DEREK JETER DYING.

Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP, THIS LONER.

GRACE.

>> HIS WIFE FOUND HISMASTURBATION DIARY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

THESE JUMPERS IN JUMPERS.

>> THE PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE NEVERCOMING BACK.

>> Chris: LASTLY THESE TWISTEDSHOUTERS. GRACE.

>> MAROON 5 IS BREAKING UP.

>> OH, NO.