The One with the Horror Stories

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 09/18/2014

Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani discuss their favorite horror movies and feature stand-up by Tom Lennon, Adam Cayton-Holland, Tom Wilson and Kyle Kinane.

I've been doing stand-upcomedy for a long time

but tonight was the first nightever I said, "You know what?

"I'm not going to drink,at all, before I go on stage."

And what happened was...

♪ It didn't work outIt didn't work out ♪

♪ It didn't work outIt didn't work out ♪

♪ It didn't work out

♪ It didn't work out

I have a series-- I'm gonna dosome jokes in a second.

But Kumail and, uh,the white guy...

asked me to make a quickannouncement before morejokes happen.

Right after the Meltdown show,is the official Meltdown...

suck and fuck in my Prius.

My Prius is parked directlybehind the building.

It has two bumperstickers on it.

The first one says, "Don't blameme, I voted for Hillary."

and the other one says, "Myother car is a Quidditch broom."

You might have a couplequestions...

about the after-showsuck and fuck.

The first one,"Is it mandatory?"

Not at all, no.

Number two, the golden ruleat the suck and fuck...

treat everybody the way youwould treat Dame Judi Dench.

This used to be,"treat everybody...

the way you wantedto be treated".

But I feel like people havesuper, low self-esteemthese days.

Hey, Todd,we told you you're...

not here until next week.Oh, I know, I'm sorry.

You're not here until nextweek. Get out of here!No, no, no, no.

I just-- I got--I thought--

D-Don't even film,he's not here until next week.

You're making me feel horrible.

"Don't even film"...that's very unprofessional.

I swear to god,I'm being serious.


Don't adjust the radio.

You should have thoughtabout how much you likeAni DiFranco...

before you came to a suckand fuck in a Prius.

Rule #6, and this is a giant--this is a huge umbrella rule.

No grinches.

You're probably wondering,you're saying...

"Hey, Tom, why do I haveto pay $15 to go...

to the after-Meltdown suckand fuck... in your Prius?

And the answer is, because it'sa benefit for music education.

Nobody knows what to dowith the distributionof hair around the head.

So I always wound up gettingthese hatchet jobs thatI have right now.

I feel like I look likea soldier who is just startingto question the war.

So what were we doing overthere in the first place?


You're being a real asshole.

This is what happenswhen you do a pun with that.


My father and I,back when I was in college...

we engaged a really misguidedattempt at father-son bonding.

We decided, hey, were botha couple of cool cats...

we should smoke someweed together.

So we went on a camping tripand went off for a hike.

We came back and made a campfire and we smoked some weed.

And true story,we got so paranoid...

we'd left the campsiteand stayed in a hotel.

Came back the next morningvery silently...

shamefully put everything away.

The year after that,though, we came back...

and we camped with confidence,because we were on cocaineby then.

I was like speed-organizingfirewood.

My dad skipped a stone 13 timesin a row, I was like...

Do it again! Do it again!

I love camping,we should always be camping.

How come we're alwaysnot camping?

The year after that, we didn'teven make plans to go camping...

we just ran into eachother in the woods.

Stuff will mess upyour life, guys.

When I was a little kid,I'd always be like,"Hey, Dad, I'm bored."

And he'd go, "You're boring."

Shut me right up,every single time.

If anybody in this roomis a parent, take thatlittle gem...

use it with your kid.

Next time they say they'rebored, tell them they're boring.

Cue their firstexistential crisis.

"I am boring.

"How come I'm so boring?

"I should start a fire.

"Nobody will think I'm boringif I start a fire."

In my first five minutes, I haveto say, "Yeah, I know, I'm thatguy from Back to the Future...


♪ Hey what's happening peopleI just got on the stage ♪

♪ I'm a major showbiz figure

♪ And I got an open end songHooray hey ♪

♪ Hello folks here we go

♪ Howdy hey hi thereStartin' the show ♪

♪ I've been in moviesBeen on TV ♪

♪ And that makes meA celebrity ♪

♪ Tom Wilson startin' the showHe is very important kapow ♪

♪ Excitement poppingIn the air ♪

♪ Lose your worriesForget your cares ♪

♪ You people in backShould have sat up here ♪

♪ Because sometimesI spit when I sing ♪

♪ You can sell itOn the internet uh uh ♪

♪ The spotlight is my loverI know just what to do ♪

♪ I'm a guy you've seen on TVAnd face it ♪

♪ People on TVAre better than you ♪

♪ People on TVAre just better than you ♪

♪ Kumail NanjianiJonah Ray ♪

♪ Anderson Cooper and me

♪ I've survived in show bizI paid my dues ♪

♪ You gotta give me creditYou can't refuse ♪

♪ Hey I know a guy who knowsA guy who knows Tom Cruise ♪

♪ Yes I'm that connected

♪ Back to the FutureFreaks and Geeks ♪

♪ I was in that movieCalled The Heat ♪

♪ My resume is longerThan 50 feet ♪

Longer than anybody elseon this show.

♪ You might thinkI'm self-centered ♪

♪ You think it's an ego trip

♪ Well I don't careBecause I'm famous hey ♪

♪ And that's more importantThan relationships ♪

♪ Fame is more importantThan relationships ♪

♪ Tom WilsonHe's sort of famous ♪

♪ He has lost all of his friendsBig whoop ♪

♪ Tonight is goingTo be the best ♪

♪ A show biz partyA big success ♪

♪ Just lower your standardsStart expecting less ♪

♪ Let those lowered expectationsStart with me ♪

♪ Me eeh eeh

♪ I have asthma yeah

I recently gotWarren Buffett drunk.

Which is where you get drunkenough that you actually becomefiscally responsible.

Where you're just nudein a hotel room...

just screaming out at yourreflection in a sailboatpainting.

Don't even fuck aroundwith those chicken soft tacos...

when you got your big money tiedup in a Crunchwrap Supreme.

I'm in a very strange place,like I just got my rapgame together.

Um, only rap from whenI was younger.

So, like, not new rap,but just like Cypress Hill.

I'll just be in the parking lotof the mall, like...

They played the bong sounds,'cause it's Hits from the Bong.

And there's a bong sound in it,and it's funny.

But then, I'm also old enoughwhere I'll just scratch my earswith my car keys.

Be like,"Oh, this is better than sex."

So, I either look likesomebody's awful dork dad...

Or like a weird assassin.

Just like listen to rap that'sjust-- I'll be like a pelicancase coming out like...

Have you heard NWA? Neverlistened to it. That stuffis crazy!

That stuff is nuts, man.I know.

Oh, that's him? Okay, screw,screw, screw, poof.

God, nobody will remember me.

I look like skate dad.I'm fine, put that backtogether.