Wednesday, January 20, 2016

  • 01/20/2016

James Davis, Flula Borg and Jen Kirkman name a newly discovered planet, come up with #FishHipHop terms and assign meanings to strangers' bizarre tattoos.

Ripped from today's

Internet headlines,it is Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)

There it is.

And now for the list

of the most trendingest topicson the Web today.

Our first topic-- Planet Nine.Planet Nine.

Today scientists found evidenceof a ninth planet

in our solar system.

So Pluto is sobbing and eatinga pint of Rocky Asteroid Road.

It's all your fault,Neil deGrasse Tyson!

You did this to Pluto!

Uh, now, astronomersare calling it "Planet Nine"

'cause they're good at math,not creativity.

Now, the planet has ten timesthe mass of earth,

it's extremely far away.

It's, like,so dark and mysterious.

Like, you totally have a crushon the new planet!

It's so dark!

Oh, my God! Oh, it's likethe Adam Driver of planets.

I can change him!I can change him!

So, comedians, what shouldwe name this new planet?

James Davis.

Because it's so far out there,

what about "Planet Stacey Dash?"

HARDWICK:All right, perfect. Yeah.

-(applause)-Points. Yeah.

I don't want to be

controversial,but they did name it.

You just didn't hear about it.

It's called "Planet Parenthood."

-(laughter, applause & cheering)-Points. Points.

Flula Borg.

They should name it "Rachel."

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.

Points. Very fair name.Very fair name.

-(laughter)-"Oh, my God,

"Rachel, it takes you,like, 15,000 years

to go around the sun. God!"

BORG:No! Stop wearing

those thingson your shoulder pads

from the '80s,right, Rachel? Stop it!

-(laughter) -It's Friends, so that was the '90s.

-Friends was in the '90s.-Oh. -Oh.

HARDWICK:All right, now onto...

(laughter)

-Then I change it to "Raquel."-HARDWICK: All right, perfect.

-It works. It totally works.-(laughter, applause)

All right, on to our next topic:"Rapper's Delight."

Indiana hip-hop sensationFreddie Gibbs--

Midwestside!--

released a videoon his Snapchat

that's been trending today.

What happens in it?

He stuffs his mouth fullof marshmallows,

or he talks about breakfastwith his baby?

James Davis.

He talks about breakfastwith his baby,

'cause rappers is alwayshaving babies.

HARDWICK:They are always...

(laughter and groaning)

(applause and cheering)

Uh, yes. Flula.

He talks about breakfastwith his baby,

because rappers are alwayshaving breakfast.

-HARDWICK: Uh...-(laughter)

They love it.Yeah, they love it.

They're always having breakfast.

Like, every morning.

You know?

HARDWICK: I have to give 100points to Flula for that assist.

Jen, do you wantto throw one in?

He named his baby "Marshmallow"

'cause rappers are always namingtheir kids dumb things.

HARDWICK:Oh, (bleep).

(laughter, applause & cheering)

A hundred points to Jen Kirkman.

-Did Davis...-HARDWICK: Now let's find out

if James is gonna getthe original points for that.

...this thing.Where the breakfast at, boo?

-(baby burps)-KIRKMAN: Oh.

(audience groans)

I did not deserve this.

-It's perfect.-(applause)

-Yeah. -Everythingabout it was perfect.

Puke--it's what's for breakfast.

-DAVIS: Mm-hmm.-KIRKMAN: Oh.

Uh, onto our next topic--The Division.

Gamers are upsetthat the upcoming...

Gamers are upset? No!Gamers are upset

that the upcoming shooter, The Division,

an open-world game setin an ultra-realistic version

of New York City, will notinclude a Brooklyn level.

Which makes no sense, becausevideo games have a rich history

of featuring guysin stupid outfits

with ridiculous facial hair,see?

(laughter)

(like Mario): "Hey, we're notplumber's anymore.

We're DJs with a microbrewery!"

So, comedians,what's a mission you'd find

in the Brooklyn levelof a video game?

James Davis.

Find Jay Z's old neighborhoodand gentrify it immediately!

HARDWICK:All right, points.

-(applause)-Yup. Flula.

Nod vigorously while listening

to people tell youabout their podcasts.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Points.

-Jen Kirkman.-KIRKMAN: Try to find

a 20-something dudewho doesn't look Amish.

HARDWICK:Yeah, all right, points.

-Yeah, good luck.-Good luck.

-HARDWICK: Very good luck.-Do that.

Now it's time for tonight'sHashtag Wars.

(cheers and applause)

After a customerat a London branch

of Pret A Manger tookto Twitter to complain

about his crayfish wrap,

the restaurant's social mediateam replied

by getting into an epicrap battle over DM.

You can see here.

"Thanks.That's a great service."

"You're very welcome.

Please let us knowif we can be of further help."

"That fish cray."

-(laughter)-That fish cray.

"I got 99 problems,but the fish ain't one."

"Now watch me fishand watch me craycray,

Fish fish, then I craycray."

"I can't feel my placewhen I with you."

"Prawn to be wild."

Oh.

So... it's a verywonderful exchange.

So we thought,"How hard can that be?"

That's why tonight's#HashtagWar is #FishHipHop.

#FishHipHop, all right?

Now, you guysare probably familiar

with The Notorious B.I.G.Well, in this case

he'd be Notorious C.O.D.

There's a picture of that.This is what this looks like.

BORG:Oh. I like it. Yeah.

Uh...

Yeah.

Other examplesmight include Trout Queen

and Goldfish Digger.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-James Davis.-Tunapac.

Points.Flula Borg.

-Mackerelmore.-Yes, points.

James.

-Eel Eel Cool J.-Points.

-Jen Kirkman.-gill.i.am.

Yes, points.Flula Borg.

Old school--MC Hammerhead.

Yes, points.

Jen.

-Ghostface Flippah.-Points.

James Davis.

♪ I like halibutand I cannot lie. ♪

Yes, points.Flula.

Straight Out of Pond-ton.

Yeah.

-'Cause of Compton-- there'sa pond... -Yeah, no, no,

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, yeah,totally, we got it. James.

-More guppies, more problems.-Yes, points.

Flula.

-Kurtis Blowhole.-Yes, points.

Good Kurtis Blow reference.Jen Kirkman.

-Puffer Fish Daddy.-Yeah, all right, points.

Points. Flula.

S-Snoop Clammy Clam.

Y... Yes.

Uh, yes, I will give you pointsfor Snoop Clammy Clam.

(bell dings)

James.

-Cod and Play. -All right,points, very good. -Oh! -Oh!

-KIRKMAN: That's good.-All righty.

-(exclaiming)HARDWICK: Yeah.

And now it's time to playTattoos of the Heart.

Tattoos of the Heart.

There are two kindsof tattoos people get--

the ones wherea drunk person thinks,

"Hey, my navelwill make a great cat anus!"

and just in case you thoughtwe made that up, here.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And the ones that havepersonal meaning behind them.

Like, you hada really important relationship

with your cat's anus.Uh...

Just that special weekendwhen you were snowed in.

And Mittens just kind of lookedat you from behind, like...

-(meows)-No, Mittens, no.

(meows)

Meow, Flula, meow.

BORG:No.

Stop it, Mittens.Go back to your podium, Mittens.

Oh, fine, Mittens, fine.

-(hisses)-Oh!

So comedians, I'm gonna show youa picture of a tattoo

and for 250 points you have totell me the meaning behind it.

First up, thiscurious sea creature.

This curious sea creature.

Huh?Hungry for toffee, he's a shark.

What could...What is that, Flula?

I think it's to promoteawareness

for shark type 2 diabetes.

Points.

It's a real problem.

Next, a childhood friend.

Huh?

It's a little Gumbywith a... eye infection? Uh...

James.

The story behind thisis that the guy

clearly gotcatfished by Gumby.

Yeah.

-Points.-You got to...

Flula.

It was, uh, supposed to be,uh, Gumby fisting,

uh, but the artistdidn't hear it right.

Points.

Fi... Aw, come on.

Jen.

It's a guywho's commemorating that

there's plenty of fishin the sea except for him.

He's a weirdo, lonely loser.

Yeah, okay, points.Points, points.

Next one, thisvery painful receipt.

Right here.

(bell dings)

Uh, Flula.

This is sohe will always remember

where he conceivedhis third child.

KIRKMAN:Got a lot of stuff.

Points.

James.

This guy hates his dad.His dad works at Wendy's.

-(bleep) you, Dad.-Yeah, points. Mm-hmm.

Uh, next one, what aboutthis tasteful wrench?

This very tasteful wrenchright there. Jen.

That is someone whoneeds to remind themselves

that they are a tool.

At all times.Mm-hmm.

(whooping)

-Thank you, thank you,thank you. -Good one.

Do you know this person?It says #Berlin.

We have met once.

Yeah. Yeah.

Chill D Tattoois very friendly.

Before the break,

I asked you to celebrateNational Disc Jockey Day

by doing your own drive-timemorning zoo announcement.

Let's hearwhat you came up with.

-Flula, let's start with you.-Okay.

Coming up, a traffic updatefrom Big Tits Wanda!

-(horn blows) -But first,our intern Tommy Schlongface

throws bricks from carson the overpass!

Aim for the hybrids, Tommy!

-FEMALE VOICE: Oh, no.-HARDWICK: Perfect.

Jen Kirkman.

Coming up next on Lowest CommonDenominator and the Hot Girl,

I'll be talking overan entire song.

Then we've got a half hourof commercials nonstop,

while off-air I call my femaleproducer a castrating bitch.

MALE VOICE:Oh, yeah.

HARDWICK:Nice.

James Davis.

You're listening to Gumbo Garyand the Short Bus Crew.

-(horn honks)-And all morning

we've been encouraging listenersto play, Will You Punch a Cop?

-(siren wails) -First callerto live and tell about it

gets two tickets to DJ JazzyJeff's child support hearing.

-Yeah!-(mimics air horn)

As we jump

to our next game,Hickock Sucker.

Hickock Sucker.

I need you to understandhow excited I am

for this next news story.

This is somethingI have been wanting for years.

I don't knowif you're as excited as I am.

Uh, Deadwood, the amazingHBO series Deadwood,

which was canceledafter only three seasons

and ends very abruptly,is getting a movie!

The show never ended,and now it's getting a movie!

-I'm happy about that.-I am so...

I will totally host Talking Deadwood.

-If someone wants it,I would do that. -Oh, yeah!

I would totally do that.Yes, the show set in Deadwood,

South Dakota, in 1876 famouslyhad the saltiest dialogue on TV

and leaves us to wonder howthey ever got the railroad built

with all that (bleep)-suckingthat was goin' on.

Here's a sample.

-(bleep)-sucker.-(bleep)-suckers.

-(bleep)-suckers.-(bleep)-sucker.

-(bleep)-sucker!-(bleep)-sucker.

-(bleep)-sucker!-(bleep)-suckers.

-(bleep)-suckers.-And (bleep) us all anyway

for the limber-dicked(bleep)-suckers we are.

I mean...

Oh, man.

Okay, you mud-fistedgristle-haired,

goddamn piss-wheezing, heathen,(bleep)-sucking dick-fisters!

I think I was just doingSarah Palin again. Uh...

Anyway, in honorof Deadwood's second life,

I would like you to come upwith as many terms as you can

that sound like they could bedirty words from the Old West

in 60 seconds. And begin.Jen Kirkman.

Proud-clingin' proud clingers.

-Yes, points.-(whoops)

James Davis.

You good-for-nothin',unairable Kardashian!

Points. Flula.

Mr. Pibb!

Points. Uh, James.

You Carrot Top-lovin'open-mic'er.

Points. Flula.

Hufflepuff.

Oh! Oh, such a brutal insult.Points. Jen.

You Trump-stumpin' uncle.

Points. James Davis.

You no-good, cashless ATMin a strip club!

All right, points. Flula.

You My Little Pony 'n Friends cupcake safe-bake oven.

Points.

So specific.

I mean...

-It was very common in theOld West -Dab, dab, dab, dab.

to call someonea cupcake self-bake oven.