Phil Hanley

  • Season 4, Ep 12
  • 11/14/2015

PhPhil Hanley talks about everything from living with his parents as an adult to moving to New York City from Canada to the difficulties of dating.

I didn't get to go to school.

I'm extremely, uh, dyslexic.

And just so you guys knowwhat that entails,

when I was a kid,I couldn't read, right?

I was terrible at sports,which is such a waste

of an athletic frame.

Yet I was bizarrely confident.

I used to call my first gradeteacher "sweetheart."

He hated it. He didn't...

My friends,they, like, downplay dyslexia.

They're always like, "Well,you just have trouble reading

and writing." I'm like, "Yeah,

"just kind ofthe two major things that

separate usfrom the other creatures."

My mom used to always tryto make me feel better.

She would tell me, "Well, yeah,but you're good with people."

And that meant so much to me,till at one point

I heard someone say thatabout a Labradoodle.

(chuckles) The only waythat I'd finish school...

the only way that I'd finishschool was, my mom,

she would, like, help mewith my homework, right?

She'd basically kind of, like,just do my homework.

And if your mom doesyour homework,

parent-teacher conferencesare so different.

Because the teacherwould be like,

"Well, Phil needsto put in more effort."

And my mom would say,"How dare you?

He's working full-timeand raising three kids."

I am from Canada. I just got mygreencard.

(cheering)Thank you.

It was, uh... it was $15,000,

which is,'s not a lot of money for me.

When I paid my lawyer 15 grand,

the first thing he said to mewas, "It's really hard

to get a green cardbecause of September 11."

And I said, "Oh, could you tell'em that I didn't do that?"

When I was applying,people would-would say to me,

they'd be like, "Well, youshould just marry an American."

But marry for immigration--I'm, like, a romantic, right?

I always dreamt about marryingfor money.

Have you ever been to Canada,sir?No.

Oh. You look a little Canadian.

That's a bigcompliment.

It's similar. Canada'svery similar to the States.

Uh, we have Fox News in Canada.

It's not a television network--it's a hunting magazine.

But we have Fox News.