Das Negros

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 02/14/2012

Jordan and Keegan are masters of disguise in Nazi Germany, and two slaves are accused of bigotry.

- WHERE YOU AT, THOUGH?- LOOK AT THIS.

34, 24, SHA-BLOIMPS.- BLIP.

- BLIP, BLIP.

OH, MAN, CHECK THIS OUT, DOG.- WHERE, WHERE?

- LOOK AT THIS FINEPIECE OF ASS

ALL THE WAYDOWN THE STREET HERE, DOG.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT,THOUGH, HEY, GIRL!

- DAMN. OOH!

- YEAH, WALK THIS WAYWITH THAT FINE ASS.

- [moans]- BLIP!

- YEAH, GIRL,WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN HERE

AND PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH,'CAUSE DADDY WANT A SNACK!

- BLIP, BLAP, TAKIN' A BAP!- WHY YOU HURTIN' ME, GIRL?

- BRISKET. BRISKETY!- YOU'RE HURTIN' ME!

- [groans]

THAT'S DELICIOUSNESS, YEAH!YEAH!

YEAH, KEEP IT COMING!YE--

AND--AND THAT IS A PROFESSIONALBASKETBALL MASCOT.

- THAT IS A MAN IN ANORANGE RHINOCEROS COSTUME.

- HELL, I'D [bleep]THAT RHINO.

- ALL RIGHT,Y'ALL GATHER ROUND.

GATHER ROUND.WELCOME, GENTLEMEN.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED DAYFOR AN AUCTION.

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,GET ON UP THERE.

- PUT THAT WHIP DOWNAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH.

- STRAIGHT UP.

I DON'T CARE WHAT PLANTATIONI END UP ON.

I'M STRAIGHT STAGING A REVOLTIN THIS MOTHER[bleep].

- HELLS YEAH.

- WE HAVE LOT A,LOT B, AND LOT C.

- UH, $3 ON LOT A.- $4.

- 5!

- $5 GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD.

LOT A GOES TO THE MANIN THE BLACK HAT.

- I MEAN, GOOD.- YEAH.

- [chuckles] I'M GLADI DIDN'T GET SOLD,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE OWNEDBY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

- WHOEVER BUYS ME, THEY BETTERKILL ME THE FIRST DAY,

OR I'MA GO BUCK-WILDON THE WHOLE OPERATION.

- OKAAY?

- NEXT ONE,GET UP ON UP THERE, NOW.

- OH, THIS--OKAY.

both: [inhale]

- $6 ON LOT A.

- $7!- EIGHT.

- 9!

- $9 GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD!

both: [exhale]

- OKAY, WELL,YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT DUDE.

- IT'S A NO-BRAINER.- I MEAN, THAT GUY'S HUGE.

- A MASSIVE INDIVIDUAL.

- THAT'S TWO OF ME.- ANYBODY WOULD BUY HIM.

- I'D BUY THAT DUDE.

- MY QUESTION ISHOW'D THEY CATCH HIM?

- NEXT!

- OKAY. OH, YEAH.- YEAH.

- $2 ON LOT A.

- $2 GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD.

- SEE, NOW,THAT SURPRISES ME.

- THAT IS INTERESTING,TO SAY THE LEAST.

- I MEAN, WELL, IT JUST SEEMSLIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT,

IT'S LIKE, DO THEY EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR?

- IT'S LIKETHE WHOLE CRITERIA

SEEMS JUST A LITTLEINCONSISTENT.

- I MEAN, AT SOME POINT,I WANT TO BE ON LOT A.

- YEAH, WHICH--CAN A BROTHA GET ON LOT A?

- NEXT.

- OH, HERE WE GO.- HERE WE GO.

- BEEN A PLEASURE.- GIVE 'EM HELL.

- ALL RIGHT.- OKAY.

- $8 ON LOT A.

- GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD!

- HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?- NOPE, NOT TRUE.

- HOW DOES IT HAPPEN?

- WHAT YOU JUST SAID--THAT'S GOBBLEDYGOOK.

OKAY? THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.'CAUSE WHAT CAN THIS DUDE DO?

LOOK AT HIM.WHAT COULD HE PICK?

A COTTON PLANTIS, LIKE, THIS TALL.

- YES.- I'M SAY--

NO OFFENSE, BROTHA,I'M JUST SAYING.

- OFFENSE TAKEN.- WHA--[gasps]

AM I WRONG? IS HE NOT SHORT?HE'S SHORT.

BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SHORTIN REAL LIFE, IN THE WORLD.

- YOU'RE GOOD, MAN.- ENOUGH.

I WILL NOT HAVEMY REPUTATION TAINTED,

SELLIN' SUPERFICIAL,BIGOTED SLAVES.

- SUPERFICIAL? DID THAT REALLYJUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

- THAT'S IT!THIS AUCTION'S OVER!

- AUCTION'S OVER?- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

NO, IT'S--IT AIN'T OVER.IT'S NOT OVER!

I'M STRONG, Y'ALL!

I'M VERY STR--I CAN SLEEP IN A BUCKET.

- I'M FAST, I GOT STAMINA,AND I KNOW MAGIC.

- MY WORST QUALITYIS THAT I'M A PERFECTIONIST.

- LET ME MEN--HAVE I MENTIONED THIS? DOCILE.

I AM AGREEABLETO A FAULT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DUDEWHO ASKED ME TO GET ON THE BOAT

WHEN WE CAME OVER HERE.

- NOT A VIOLENT BONEIN MY BODY.

- I JUST WALKED RIGHT ON,NO BIG DEAL.

NEVER SEEN A BOATIN MY LIFE.

- 'SCUSE ME.I THINK WE'RE READY TO ORDER.

- WELL, UM, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORKIN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

SOMEONE WILL COME TO YOU.

- YES, WE'RE SORRY.NO--NO PROBLEM.

- WHAT WAS THAT?- WHAT?

- WELL, WHERE WASBLACK JEFF?

- "BLACK JEFF"?

- YEAH, BLACK JEFF.

I READ SOMEWHERE THATWHEN YOU DATE A BIRACIAL GUY,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GETTHE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS,

SO THERE AREWHITE-JEFF SITUATIONS,

AND THERE AREBLACK-JEFF SITUATIONS,

AND THAT WAS DEFINITELYA BLACK-JEFF SITUATION.

- OH. OKAY.

- HI, FOLKS,I'M SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT.

CAN I GET YOU BOTTLEDOR TAP WATER FOR THIS EVENING?

- HOW 'BOUTI BOTTLE YOUR ASS

AND KICK ITDOWN THE STAIRS, MAN?

WE'VE BEENWAITIN' HALF AN HOUR

FOR ONE O' YOUMOTHER [bleep]ERS TO SHOW UP!

- GOD, I'M SO--I'M SO SORRY.

I'LL GET YOU A BOTTLE

OF OUR FINEST, PREMIUM WATER,ON THE HOUSE.

- THAT'S WHAT I SAID, BITCH!- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- BLACK JEFF.THAT WAS BLACK JEFF.

- BUT HE WASJUST TRYING TO HELP US.

- OH, SO, WHITE JEFF?

- YES.

- GOOD EVENING.I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU TWO.

I AM THE MAITRE D'HERE AT CHEZ HENRI.

- OH, YES, UH,WHAT IS IT?

- I AM SO SORRYTO DISTURB YOU BOTH,

BUT OUR ESTABLISHMENTHAS A CERTAIN DRESS CODE,

AND MADAME'S, UM, DECOLLETAGE IS INAPPROPRIATE.

- OH, MY GOD.WE'RE--WE'RE VERY SORRY.

WE DIDN'T KNOWTHERE WAS A DRESS CODE.

WE'LL CERTAINLY REMEMBERFOR THE NEXT TIME.

BUT THERE AIN'T GONNA BENO NEXT TIME FOR YOU!

LOOKIN' AT MY WOMAN,AND HER--HER CH--

DECO--CHOCKA--"CHOCKALAGE,"OR WHATEVER YOU SAID, MAN!

- IS THEREA PROBLEM HERE?

- OKAY, SEE, IT WAS REALLYA SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

IT ALL STARTED

WITH THAT MOTHER[bleep]RIGHT THERE,

WHO WAS DISRESPECTIN'MYSELF AND MY GIRL,

BUT WE REALLYLOVE THIS GUY,

AND HE GAVE USEXCEPTIONAL SERVICE.

- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TOASK YOU TO LEAVE.

- YOU HAVE TOASK ME TO LEAVE?

OH, YOU GONNA HAVE TO ASKTHE BLACK MAN TO LEAVE? HUH?

ACTUALLY, YOU DON'THAVE TO ASK US TO LEAVE.

'CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO SEEOURSELVES OUT.

AND WE AIN'T NEVERCOMIN' BACK AGAIN!

THOUGH WE REALLYAPPRECIATE YOUR HELP.

[crashes]

OH, LO SIENTO MUCHO. WATCH YO ASS, MAN!

LET US REIMBURSE YOUFOR THAT BREAKAGE, OKAY?

RIGHT AFTER I BURNTHIS WHOLE PLACE

TO THE MOTHER[bleep] GROUNDWITH EVERYBODY INSIDE OF IT!

BY WHICH I MEANYOU'RE GOING TO GET

A VERY NEGATIVE REVIEWON YELP.

[doorbell rings]

- [German accent] HEIL HITLER.

MY NAME IS COLONELHANS MULLER OF THE S.S.

AS YOU KNOW, WE WERECOMBING THE AREA FOR JEWS.

BUT IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTIONTHAT TWO NEGROES HAVE ESCAPED,

AND ARE HIDING OUTIN THIS AREA AS WELL.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THIS,NOW, WOULD YOU?

- UH, NO.NO NEGROES HERE. MM-MM.

- UH, NEGROES? EW.[chuckles]

HELL NO.

- AND, UM,WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

- LEROY...

HEIMER.

LEROYHEIMERIS MY LAST NAME,

AND MY FIRST NAMEIS VERY GERMAN,

AND THAT IS BECAUSEIT IS HEINRICH.

SO, MY NAMEIS HEINRICH LEROYHEIMER.

- AND I AM BARON HELMUT...

SCHNITZELNAZI.

- WELL.

ARE YOU GOING TOINVITE ME IN?

- OF COURSE!- YEAH, COME ON IN!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,ABSOLUTELY.

- PLEASE, GENTLEMEN,SIT DOWN.

NOW...

AS YOU KNOW, THE NEGRO,NOT UNLIKE THE JEW,

CAN BE A VERYTRICKY CREATURE.

OH, THAT'S FUN.

WE HAVE DEVELOPEDMANY TESTS TO DETERMINE

IF AN INDIVIDUALIS, IN FACT,

AN ACTUAL NEGRO.

IT'S VERY SCIENTIFIC.

LIKE WHEN WE THROW THE BEANSUP AGAINST THE HOMOSEXUALS

TO SEE IFTHE BEANS EXPLODE.

- YEAH, UH...

WHAT KIND OF TESTS?

- IT'S INTERESTINGTHAT YOU WOULD ASK ME THAT.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I...

REMOVED YOUR HAT?

SO THAT I CANMEASURE YOUR HEAD.

THE NEGRO HEAD,INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,

ONLY COMESIN THE HALF SIZES.

IT'S ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTINGTHINGS ABOUT THE NEGRO HEAD.

HMM.

EVERYTHINGSEEMS IN ORDER.

both: [exhale]

- WELL,NO NEGRO HEADS HERE.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,THOUGH.

IF A NEGRO HEADCAME IN HERE,

IT WOULD FIND ITSELFDETACHED FROM ITS NEGRO BODY.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT,RIGHT HERE.

[chuckles]AM I RIGHT?

- THIS IS VERY,VERY GOOD.

BUT THERE ARE SO MANYEXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE,

WHICH IS WHYIT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT WE HAVE A TESTWHICH IS FOOL-PROOF.

- UH, M-M-M-MORE TESTS?

- YOU KNOW,HUNTING THE NEGROES ALL DAY,

YOU REALLY BUILD UP AN APPETITE,DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

CAN I INTEREST YOU TWO

IN SOME DELICIOUS BEETS?

INTERESTING.

THE NEGROCANNOT RESIST THE BEET.

IT IS DRAWN TO ITLIKE FLIES TO SCHEISSE.

WELL, GENTLEMEN.

IT APPEARS I HAVEWASTED YOUR TIME.

I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

- [exhales]

- JUST ONE MORE THING.

I'M CURIOUS AS TOHOW YOU FEEL ABOUT...

THIS CAT TOY!

JIGGLEDY, JIGGLEDY!

NOTHING?

WELL, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

I'M SORRYFOR BOTHERING YOU.

YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLYNOT NEGROES.

both: [laugh]

- OF COURSEWE'RE NOT NEGROES.

- THIS IS A NO-NEGRO ZONE.

- THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

- AIN'T NO THANG.

- HERR LEROYHEIMER.

OH, THAT'S NEW.

BARON SCHNITZELNAZI.

- WHAT'S GOIN' ON?OH, HEIL HITLER.

- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU HERE.THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.

BY THE WAY...[clears throat]

ARE YOU, BY CHANCE,

RELATED TO THE DUSSELDORFSCHNITZELNAZIS?

- YES, I AM.

- HOW'S YOUR AUNT FRIDA?

- AUNT FRIDA? SHE...

IS STILL...

FAT?

- I DON'T RECALLHER BEING FAT.

BUT WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY DIDIN COLLEGE ANYWAY, AM I RIGHT?

- NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME.- NOT THIS ONE, EITHER.

- 'CAUSE I WAS A--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

- WELL, GUTEN TAG. - [laughs] ALL RIGHT.

- OH, GUTENBERG!

[engine starts]

[car drives away]

- WHEW.MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE.

WHOO. WE GOTTAGET OUTTA HERE, MAN.

WE--

- HE LEFT THE CAT TOY, MAN!- UH-UH.

- HE LEFT IT!- UH-UH.

- [laughs] OH!

OH! [giggles]

- THAT'S TRUE.

[onscreen voices]

- [slurps]

MM-MM. MM-MM.

COME ON, MAN,WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN?

THAT'S STUPID.

THAT'S STUPID, MAN,DON'T DO THAT, MAN. COME ON.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DO NOT GO INTOA CRANE SHOT RIGHT NOW!

YOU KIDDING ME?

- YEAH, MAN, I HEAR Y'ALL.

THIS MOVIE'S GOTA INCONSISTENT VISUAL LANGUAGE!

- HALF THE TIME, THIS [bleep]JUST SHOOTIN' ALL HAND-HELD

LIKE HEA DOGMA FILMMAKER!

THAT'S FUNNY,

SINCE DOGMACLEARLY FORBIDS

TEMPORAL AND GEOGRAPHICALALIENATION!

[sudden music strike]

- OH, I LOVED THAT SHOTTHE FIRST TIME.

WHEN IT WAS IN NOSFERATU!

- [laughs]THAT'S RIGHT.

- I MEAN, THIS [bleep]TRYIN' TO DO SOME HOMAGE

TO THE GERMAN EXPRESSIONISTSOR SOME [bleep].

- IT'S A VISUALMEDIUM, MAN!

ENOUGH WITH THIS MY DINNER WITH ANDRE BULL[bleep]!

- I MEAN, HAS THIS DUDEEVEN HEARD OF MISE-EN-SCENE?

PUT SOME INFORMATIONUP IN THE FRAME, BITCH!

- OH, I GET IT. YEAH.I'MA OVEREXPOSE THE FILM.

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.- GET AN ETHEREAL LOOK.

MAN, [bleep] THIS [bleep]!

- CAN WE JUST GO?

- HOLD ON, HONEY, THEY'REACTUALLY MAKING GOOD POINTS.

[onscreen voices]

HEY, HAS THIS GUY WATCHED TOOMUCH QUENTIN TARANTINO OR WHAT?

- SIR, WE'RE GONNA NEED YOUTO LOWER YOUR VOICE.

TOO MUCH TALKING, OKAY?THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.

[hip-hop music]

[music stops]

- YOU READY, HOMIE?- HELLS YEAH.

- LET'S TAKETHESE [bleep]ERS OUT.

- HOLD UP.

NAH...

- WHAT?

- WE GOTTAGO BACK HOME, MAN.

- WHY?

- I POOPED MY PANTS.

- WHAT?- JUST NOW.

I JUST POOPED MY PANTS.

- YOU--YOU GOT DIARRHEA?

- HELL NO, MAN,I AIN'T GAY.

WE GOTTA GO HOME RIGHT NOW,MAN, LET ME CHANGE MY DRAWERS.

- MAN, THE DUDES WE TRYINGTO SMOKE IS RIGHT THERE.

- MAN, HOW YOU WANT METO SMOKE SOMEBODY

WHEN I GOT POOPIN MY PANTS?

- ARE YOU SUREYOU POOPED 'EM?

- AM I SURE? [bleep], AM I SURE?- YEAH.

- YES.

THAT IS POOP IN MY PANTS.

- THAT'S NASTY, MAN.- IT'S NATURAL, MAN.

- FOR A THREE YEAR OLD.NOT FOR A HARDCORE GANGSTA.

- SEE, IF YOU WEREMY REAL FRIEND, THOUGH,

YOU WOULDN'T MAKESUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

- WOULDN'T MAKESUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT?

[bleep], YOU A GROWN-ASS MANWHO JUST [bleep] IN HIS DRAWERS.

- OH, SNAP.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.

[bleep], YOU JUST [bleep]YOUR PANTS AGAIN.

- DON'T JUDGE.

- YOU NEED TO GET OUTTA MY CARAND GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

- OKAY, I SEE HOW IT IS.

SEE, I WOULDN'T DO THATTO YOU, THOUGH.

- [bleep], YOU NEVER WOULDHAVE TO DO THAT TO ME,

BECAUSE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCESWOULD I EVER [bleep] MY PANTS.

[cocks gun]

UH--[gasps]

I'M SORRY I JUDGED YOU.

- APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

- All right, man, all right,it's Vandaveon again.

My boy Mike over here.

Man, y'all did a great job, man.

We all fired upfor the show, man.

- That shit was funny,but that was stupid, though.

- I mean, I'ma tell youright now,

y'all should still hire us,though,

'cause I think we got, like,similar, like, you know,

sense of humorand all that, man.

And we can enhance your shit,you know, man?

Like, there wasa scene last night

that we have to talk to y'allabout right now,

'cause, you know what I mean,sometimes, like--

Okay, you know what it is,like, slavery...

- That shit isfucked up, though.

- Is not funny.

Like, it's not funny,you know what I mean?

But if you can make it funny,

like, you got to make itreal funny.

'Cause, like, when y'all wasthe slaves and everything, man,

the slaves kept on getting mad

'cause they wasn'tgetting bought, you know?

- That was messed up, man.- And all the other slaves

would come out and get bought,

and then they'd be like, "Man,why ain't they buying my ass?"

- That shit's stupid.- And that ain't funny, man.

- Stupid.- That ain't funny at all.

I mean, why in the worldwould you want to get bought?

- Stupid.- I don't even understand that,

man.It don't make any sense, man.

The whole thingthat would be funny

is, like, why?

Like, why is it funny?

Like, why are theynot getting bought?

I'll tell you why theyain't getting bought.

Tell 'em.- Nah, man.

- 'Cause they got little dicks!- Got little dicks.

- They ain't get bought 'causethey got little dicks, man.

All the other slavesgot big-ass dicks.

And what you have is,all the women,

like, the dudesthat are buying the slaves

have their wives with them,

and the wives be like,"I want that one."

- What?- 'Cause they got bigger dicks.

- Yeah, 'Cause they gotbigger dicks, man.

And they be like,"I want that one right there.

He got a big dick."

- [laughs]- Aah!

You know what I'm talking about?

"Give me some bigger dicks."

- Oh, then make ita gay dude, gay dude.

- No, I'm doing a woman, dawg.

- Yeah, but thenmake it a gay dude.

- Oh, yeah, then they shouldhave a gay dude up in there,

like, a gay dudefrom the medieval times.

And he be up in theretalking about,

"I want to buythose two slaves."

- [laughs]

- "Give me thosebig-dicked slaves."

Are you kidding me?- This nigga's stupid.

- Nigga, that's my shit!- Nigga, that would be stupid.

- And two dudesthat you all is playing,

they just be stuffing shit,

like, just be like, "I'm gonnaput some stuff in my pants,

make my dick look bigger."

Like, grabbing melons and shit,and cucumbers.

Like, there be a cucumber farmover in the side,

and niggas like,dooba-dooba-dooba,

and they run off, and they goin the cucumber farm

and grab a cucumber,

and he put the cucumberdown his pants like this, right?

And then he try to pretendlike his dick is big--what?

- The rabbit,the rabbit.

- Oh, tell 'em, man,tell 'em the rabbit idea.

- No, you do it.

- No, go on, nigga,tell 'em.

- You do it, man.- Tell 'em the rabbit thing.

- You do it.- All right, man.

So, the rabbit, man,

like, this rabbit gonna comeup on the stage, right?

And the rabbit's like,"Oh, hop-hop, hop-hop."

And then it gonna be like,"Nm-nm-nm-nm-nm-nm."

And the nigga's like--he's standing like this.

"Get off my cucumber dick.

"Get off my cucumber dick.

"Y'all got to get offmy cucumber dick.

Y'all got to getoff my cucumber."

And the lady gonna be like,"What's wrong with that slave?"

[laughter]

"Ooh, I love his cucumber dick."

- You being stupidright now.

Oh, the midget,

and the midgetgot the big dick.

Midget got the big dick.

- Oh, and the little manhave a big dick.