Das Negros

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 02/14/2012

Jordan and Keegan are masters of disguise in Nazi Germany, and two slaves are accused of bigotry.

- ALL RIGHT,Y'ALL GATHER ROUND.

GATHER ROUND.WELCOME, GENTLEMEN.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED DAYFOR AN AUCTION.

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL,GET ON UP THERE.

- PUT THAT WHIP DOWNAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH.

- STRAIGHT UP.

I DON'T CARE WHAT PLANTATIONI END UP ON.

I'M STRAIGHT STAGING A REVOLTIN THIS MOTHER[bleep].

- HELLS YEAH.

- WE HAVE LOT A,LOT B, AND LOT C.

- UH, $3 ON LOT A.- $4.

- 5!

- $5 GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD.

LOT A GOES TO THE MANIN THE BLACK HAT.

- I MEAN, GOOD.- YEAH.

- [chuckles] I'M GLADI DIDN'T GET SOLD,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE OWNEDBY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

- WHOEVER BUYS ME, THEY BETTERKILL ME THE FIRST DAY,

OR I'MA GO BUCK-WILDON THE WHOLE OPERATION.

- OKAAY?

- NEXT ONE,GET UP ON UP THERE, NOW.

- OH, THIS--OKAY.

both: [inhale]

- $6 ON LOT A.

- $7!- EIGHT.

- 9!

- $9 GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD!

both: [exhale]

- OKAY, WELL,YOU HAVE TO BUY THAT DUDE.

- IT'S A NO-BRAINER.- I MEAN, THAT GUY'S HUGE.

- A MASSIVE INDIVIDUAL.

- THAT'S TWO OF ME.- ANYBODY WOULD BUY HIM.

- I'D BUY THAT DUDE.

- MY QUESTION ISHOW'D THEY CATCH HIM?

- NEXT!

- OKAY. OH, YEAH.- YEAH.

- $2 ON LOT A.

- $2 GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD.

- SEE, NOW,THAT SURPRISES ME.

- THAT IS INTERESTING,TO SAY THE LEAST.

- I MEAN, WELL, IT JUST SEEMSLIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT,

IT'S LIKE, DO THEY EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR?

- IT'S LIKETHE WHOLE CRITERIA

SEEMS JUST A LITTLEINCONSISTENT.

- I MEAN, AT SOME POINT,I WANT TO BE ON LOT A.

- YEAH, WHICH--CAN A BROTHA GET ON LOT A?

- NEXT.

- OH, HERE WE GO.- HERE WE GO.

- BEEN A PLEASURE.- GIVE 'EM HELL.

- ALL RIGHT.- OKAY.

- $8 ON LOT A.

- GOING ONCE, TWICE,THREE TIMES, SOLD!

- HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?- NOPE, NOT TRUE.

- HOW DOES IT HAPPEN?

- WHAT YOU JUST SAID--THAT'S GOBBLEDYGOOK.

OKAY? THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.'CAUSE WHAT CAN THIS DUDE DO?

LOOK AT HIM.WHAT COULD HE PICK?

A COTTON PLANTIS, LIKE, THIS TALL.

- YES.- I'M SAY--

NO OFFENSE, BROTHA,I'M JUST SAYING.

- OFFENSE TAKEN.- WHA--[gasps]

AM I WRONG? IS HE NOT SHORT?HE'S SHORT.

BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY SHORTIN REAL LIFE, IN THE WORLD.

- YOU'RE GOOD, MAN.- ENOUGH.

I WILL NOT HAVEMY REPUTATION TAINTED,

SELLIN' SUPERFICIAL,BIGOTED SLAVES.

- SUPERFICIAL? DID THAT REALLYJUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

- THAT'S IT!THIS AUCTION'S OVER!

- AUCTION'S OVER?- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

NO, IT'S--IT AIN'T OVER.IT'S NOT OVER!

I'M STRONG, Y'ALL!

I'M VERY STR--I CAN SLEEP IN A BUCKET.

- I'M FAST, I GOT STAMINA,AND I KNOW MAGIC.

- MY WORST QUALITYIS THAT I'M A PERFECTIONIST.

- LET ME MEN--HAVE I MENTIONED THIS? DOCILE.

I AM AGREEABLETO A FAULT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DUDEWHO ASKED ME TO GET ON THE BOAT

WHEN WE CAME OVER HERE.

- NOT A VIOLENT BONEIN MY BODY.

- I JUST WALKED RIGHT ON,NO BIG DEAL.

NEVER SEEN A BOATIN MY LIFE.

[doorbell rings]

- [German accent] HEIL HITLER.

MY NAME IS COLONELHANS MULLER OF THE S.S.

AS YOU KNOW, WE WERECOMBING THE AREA FOR JEWS.

BUT IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTIONTHAT TWO NEGROES HAVE ESCAPED,

AND ARE HIDING OUTIN THIS AREA AS WELL.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THIS,NOW, WOULD YOU?

- UH, NO.NO NEGROES HERE. MM-MM.

- UH, NEGROES? EW.[chuckles]

HELL NO.

- AND, UM,WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

- LEROY...

HEIMER.

LEROYHEIMERIS MY LAST NAME,

AND MY FIRST NAMEIS VERY GERMAN,

AND THAT IS BECAUSEIT IS HEINRICH.

SO, MY NAMEIS HEINRICH LEROYHEIMER.

- AND I AM BARON HELMUT...

SCHNITZELNAZI.

- WELL.

ARE YOU GOING TOINVITE ME IN?

- OF COURSE!- YEAH, COME ON IN!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,ABSOLUTELY.

- PLEASE, GENTLEMEN,SIT DOWN.

NOW...

AS YOU KNOW, THE NEGRO,NOT UNLIKE THE JEW,

CAN BE A VERYTRICKY CREATURE.

OH, THAT'S FUN.

WE HAVE DEVELOPEDMANY TESTS TO DETERMINE

IF AN INDIVIDUALIS, IN FACT,

AN ACTUAL NEGRO.

IT'S VERY SCIENTIFIC.

LIKE WHEN WE THROW THE BEANSUP AGAINST THE HOMOSEXUALS

TO SEE IFTHE BEANS EXPLODE.

- YEAH, UH...

WHAT KIND OF TESTS?

- IT'S INTERESTINGTHAT YOU WOULD ASK ME THAT.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I...

REMOVED YOUR HAT?

SO THAT I CANMEASURE YOUR HEAD.

THE NEGRO HEAD,INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,

ONLY COMESIN THE HALF SIZES.

IT'S ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTINGTHINGS ABOUT THE NEGRO HEAD.

HMM.

EVERYTHINGSEEMS IN ORDER.

both: [exhale]

- WELL,NO NEGRO HEADS HERE.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,THOUGH.

IF A NEGRO HEADCAME IN HERE,

IT WOULD FIND ITSELFDETACHED FROM ITS NEGRO BODY.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT,RIGHT HERE.

[chuckles]AM I RIGHT?

- THIS IS VERY,VERY GOOD.

BUT THERE ARE SO MANYEXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE,

WHICH IS WHYIT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT WE HAVE A TESTWHICH IS FOOL-PROOF.

- UH, M-M-M-MORE TESTS?

- YOU KNOW,HUNTING THE NEGROES ALL DAY,

YOU REALLY BUILD UP AN APPETITE,DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

CAN I INTEREST YOU TWO

IN SOME DELICIOUS BEETS?

INTERESTING.

THE NEGROCANNOT RESIST THE BEET.

IT IS DRAWN TO ITLIKE FLIES TO SCHEISSE.

WELL, GENTLEMEN.

IT APPEARS I HAVEWASTED YOUR TIME.

I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

- [exhales]

- JUST ONE MORE THING.

I'M CURIOUS AS TOHOW YOU FEEL ABOUT...

THIS CAT TOY!

JIGGLEDY, JIGGLEDY!

NOTHING?

WELL, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

I'M SORRYFOR BOTHERING YOU.

YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLYNOT NEGROES.

both: [laugh]

- OF COURSEWE'RE NOT NEGROES.

- THIS IS A NO-NEGRO ZONE.

- THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

- AIN'T NO THANG.

- HERR LEROYHEIMER.

OH, THAT'S NEW.

BARON SCHNITZELNAZI.

- WHAT'S GOIN' ON?OH, HEIL HITLER.

- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU HERE.THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.

BY THE WAY...[clears throat]

ARE YOU, BY CHANCE,

RELATED TO THE DUSSELDORFSCHNITZELNAZIS?

- YES, I AM.

- HOW'S YOUR AUNT FRIDA?

- AUNT FRIDA? SHE...

IS STILL...

FAT?

- I DON'T RECALLHER BEING FAT.

BUT WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY DIDIN COLLEGE ANYWAY, AM I RIGHT?

- NOT ME. NOT ME. NOT ME.- NOT THIS ONE, EITHER.

- 'CAUSE I WAS A--YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

- WELL, GUTEN TAG.- [laughs] ALL RIGHT.

- OH, GUTENBERG!

[engine starts]

[car drives away]

- WHEW.MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE.

WHOO. WE GOTTAGET OUTTA HERE, MAN.

WE--

- HE LEFT THE CAT TOY, MAN!- UH-UH.

- HE LEFT IT!- UH-UH.

- [laughs] OH!

OH! [giggles]

[onscreen voices]

- [slurps]

MM-MM. MM-MM.

COME ON, MAN,WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN?

THAT'S STUPID.

THAT'S STUPID, MAN,DON'T DO THAT, MAN. COME ON.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DO NOT GO INTOA CRANE SHOT RIGHT NOW!

YOU KIDDING ME?

- YEAH, MAN, I HEAR Y'ALL.

THIS MOVIE'S GOTA INCONSISTENT VISUAL LANGUAGE!

- HALF THE TIME, THIS [bleep]JUST SHOOTIN' ALL HAND-HELD

LIKE HEA DOGMA FILMMAKER!

THAT'S FUNNY,

SINCE DOGMACLEARLY FORBIDS

TEMPORAL AND GEOGRAPHICALALIENATION!

[sudden music strike]

- OH, I LOVED THAT SHOTTHE FIRST TIME.

WHEN IT WAS IN NOSFERATU!

- [laughs]THAT'S RIGHT.

- I MEAN, THIS [bleep]TRYIN' TO DO SOME HOMAGE

TO THE GERMAN EXPRESSIONISTSOR SOME [bleep].

- IT'S A VISUALMEDIUM, MAN!

ENOUGH WITH THIS MY DINNER WITH ANDRE BULL[bleep]!

- I MEAN, HAS THIS DUDEEVEN HEARD OF MISE-EN-SCENE?

PUT SOME INFORMATIONUP IN THE FRAME, BITCH!

- OH, I GET IT. YEAH.I'MA OVEREXPOSE THE FILM.

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.- GET AN ETHEREAL LOOK.

MAN, [bleep] THIS [bleep]!

- CAN WE JUST GO?

- HOLD ON, HONEY, THEY'REACTUALLY MAKING GOOD POINTS.

[onscreen voices]

HEY, HAS THIS GUY WATCHED TOOMUCH QUENTIN TARANTINO OR WHAT?

- SIR, WE'RE GONNA NEED YOUTO LOWER YOUR VOICE.

TOO MUCH TALKING, OKAY?THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU.

I'M AGAINST VIOLENCE.

- WELL, EXCEPT--WITHTHE EXCEPTION OF VIDEO GAMES.

- YES, WITH THE EXCEPTIONOF VIDEO GAMES.

- AND MMA.- OH, YEAH.

- AND, UH, GAME OF THRONES.- OH, YEAH.

- AND THE WIRE.- OH, YEAH!

- AND SLASHER MOVIES.- UH-HUH.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME REPHRASE IT.LEMMA REPHRASE IT.

I AM AGAINST VIOLENCEINVOLVING ME.

- THAT'S--THAT'S CLEAR.- NO, ON--

YEAH, ON TV AND MOVIES,

THAT'S WHEREIT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

WHERE NO ACTUAL PERSONGETS HURT.

- I AGREE WITH THAT.I AGREE WITH THAT.

- WHICH IS WHY I WILL NOTSLAP YOU HIGH FIVE ANYMORE.

- WHY--WHY?- BECAUSE.

THERE'S THAT ONE TIME.

HE SLAPPED MY HANDSO HARD,

MY [bleep] JUST TURNEDINTO A PINK MIST.

[imitates burst]

WHAT THE [bleep]?

- WE HAD--

WE HAD DONESOMETHING COMEDICALLY

THAT WORKED REALLY WELL,AND I GOT EXCITED.

I CAME--I HAD TOGET IN THERE!

- NO, YOU CAME AT--- I HAD TO GET IN THERE.

- SHOW--JUST SHOW--SHOW ME HOW YOU SLAP HIGH FIVE.

- OKAY, I'LL DO ITIN SLOW MOTION.

WHAT HAPPENEDWAS I CAME UP IN HERE--

I GOT MY PLANT FOOT DOWN.

- SEE, DON'T--NO PLANT FOOT.NO PLANT FOOT.

- JUST GOTMY PLANT FOOT DOWN,

AND THEN I GOTSOME TORQUE IN MY HIPS.

- SEE, WHAT'S THE--WHY ARE YOU TURNING BACK HERE?

- 'CAUSE I HAD TOGET THAT [bleep]!

- NO, MAN.- I HAD--

I GOT SOME TORQUE,LIKE, IN MY HIPS...

- NO, THIS IS--NONE OF THIS.

- WENT STRAIGHTTIGER WOODS ON IT.

- NO, DUDE.- GOT THE HIPS AROUND.

- WHY YOU GOTTA BE--- I GOT THE HIPS AROUND.

AND THEN I JUST LET--

THIS [bleep] WAS A WHIP.JUST A STRAIGHT WHIP.

AND THEN...- AAH!

- AND GOT IN THERE.

I GOT IN THERE,AND THEN I--

I KNOW YOU NEED TO RUN,BUT COME HERE.

AND THEN I GOT HIM HERE,

AND I HAD, LIKE,A FOLLOW-THROUGH LIKE THAT.

[hip-hop music]

[music stops]

- YOU READY, HOMIE?- HELLS YEAH.

- LET'S TAKETHESE [bleep]ERS OUT.

- HOLD UP.

NAH...

- WHAT?

- WE GOTTAGO BACK HOME, MAN.

- WHY?

- I POOPED MY PANTS.

- WHAT?- JUST NOW.

I JUST POOPED MY PANTS.

- YOU--YOU GOT DIARRHEA?

- HELL NO, MAN,I AIN'T GAY.

WE GOTTA GO HOME RIGHT NOW,MAN, LET ME CHANGE MY DRAWERS.

- MAN, THE DUDES WE TRYINGTO SMOKE IS RIGHT THERE.

- MAN, HOW YOU WANT METO SMOKE SOMEBODY

WHEN I GOT POOPIN MY PANTS?

- ARE YOU SUREYOU POOPED 'EM?

- AM I SURE? [bleep], AM I SURE?- YEAH.

- YES.

THAT IS POOP IN MY PANTS.

- THAT'S NASTY, MAN.- IT'S NATURAL, MAN.

- FOR A THREE YEAR OLD.NOT FOR A HARDCORE GANGSTA.

- SEE, IF YOU WEREMY REAL FRIEND, THOUGH,

YOU WOULDN'T MAKESUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

- WOULDN'T MAKESUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT?

[bleep], YOU A GROWN-ASS MANWHO JUST [bleep] IN HIS DRAWERS.

- OH, SNAP.

- NO, YOU DIDN'T.

[bleep], YOU JUST [bleep]YOUR PANTS AGAIN.

- DON'T JUDGE.

- YOU NEED TO GET OUTTA MY CARAND GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

- OKAY, I SEE HOW IT IS.

SEE, I WOULDN'T DO THATTO YOU, THOUGH.

- [bleep], YOU NEVER WOULDHAVE TO DO THAT TO ME,

BECAUSE UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCESWOULD I EVER [bleep] MY PANTS.

[cocks gun]

UH--[gasps]

I'M SORRY I JUDGED YOU.

- APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

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