Wednesday, January 13, 2016

  • 01/13/2016

Chelsea Davison, Adam Newman and Sean Donnelly try out "Harry Potter"-inspired pickup lines, #RuinALoveSong and explain the plots of Oscar-winning films in five words.

HARDWICK:Ripped from today's

internet headlines,this is Rapid Refresh!

-New graphics!-(whooshing)

(applause and cheering)

And these are some of your toptopics trending online.

Let's see how manywe can blast through here.

Let's start with our firsttopic-- El Niño! El Niño!

Last week, El Niño madeSouthern California super wet,

-'cause we know how to ram it.-(laughter)

CBS... Thanks. CBS 8's Gene Kangsacrificed his Dockers

to get the reaction of a driver

in the floodedMacy's parking lot.

Comedians, does the driver playit cool

or lose his cool? Which one?Adam?

Uh, he's definitelygonna lose his cool.

HARDWICK:Let's find out together.

We got gut reactionfrom one driver

who had his car stuck in this.

We really feel for himthis morning.

(Bleep)! (Bleep)! (Bleep)!(Bleep)!

(laughter)

-He looks... Mm. It's...-(applause)

Oh.

I see the storm is not popularwith cartoon Unabombers

-being shot from afar.-DAVISON: Well, Chris...

"I was just gonna get thoseheads out of the trunk!

Now they're all bad!"

DAVISON:In fairness, that was, uh...

that was filmed at theTourette's driving school.

-That's true. -So, you know,what can you do?

All right. I'll give you 100points for that. I'll give you

-100 points for that.-DAVISON: Thank you. thank you.

HARDWICK: All right, our nexttopic-- Harry Potter date.

Harry... I like the way thatsounds. "Harry Potter date."

If you're a nerd lookingfor the perfect place to snog

on Valentine's Day,good news, everyone,

because now Warner BrothersStudios in London

is hosting a Harry Potterdinner! Oh, my God.

-For $700-ish...-NEWMAN: That's all?

That is a bargainat twice the price, my friends.

You and a date can sharea romantic bite

in the Hogwarts Great Hall,drink a tankard of butter beer,

and if all goes well,maybe get your wand wet. Um...

DAVISON:Hey, only if it's consensual.

HARDWICK: Only if it'sconsensual.

-That's right, Chelsea. Yeah.-Yeah, you don't want to get...

-No one wants date Snape.-No one wants date Snape.

-Yeah, no one wants...-Hey, he's the potions master.

HARDWICK:He is the potions master.

Oh (bleep).

-(laughter)-And since this is

the perfect wayto impress a Potter head,

give me your best Harry Potterpick-up line. Sean.

Are you a Hufflepuff? BecauseI want to huff your muff.

HARDWICK:Yeah, all right.

-Points.-(applause and cheering)

-Chelsea.-Ooh.

I'll let you put it in myorifice that must not be named.

-HARDWICK: Yes, points.-(applause and laughter)

-Adam.-NEWMAN: All right.

Hey, girl, I might havea big beater's bat,

but I'm pretty sure I can still

slither into your chamberof secrets.

HARDWICK:Yes. Well done.

-(applause and cheering)-Well done.

Uh, but the important questionis do you speak parseltongue?

All right. Uh... points.

On to our next topic--militia care packages!

Militia care packages!

The group of armed bumpkinswho are camped out

in an Oregon birdhousehave been getting care packages

from around the country, andthe one guy who swore an oath

posted a Facebookthat he swore...

He swore to his kids

Daddy was just protectingthe Constitution,

and that's why he's not gonna bearound so much for a while.

So instead of taking careof his kids,

he's sifting through garbagethat people have been

sending himand their weird camping trip.

What is an itemthe American people sent

these indignant boogers?

A: A subscription to Cat Fancy,

B: A bag of dicks,

C: A music box filledwith bird (bleep)? Adam.

It's dicks. I know it's dicks.

All right. Dicks, dicks, dicks!

NEWMAN: And I was gonnacall the album...

Dicks, dicks,dicks, dicks, dicks.

ALL (chanting): Dicks! Dicks!Dicks! Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!

HARDWICK: Dicks.The correct answer-- B:

bag of dicks! Well done.

This one was really funny--a bag of dicks.

HARDWICK:Yeah!

(applause and cheering)

Well, honestly, the last thingthese guys need

is more tiny soft dicks. Whoa!

DONNELLY:When you are

a bag of dicks,you get a bag of dicks.

-That's... -HARDWICK: You are...Yeah. I don't think

these guys are gonna likethese dicks.

They're all colored. Uh...

(laughter and groaning)

(applause and cheering)

"Where's the white ones?"

Listen, the important thing isis that guy had a huge

sense of humorand didn't flip out

like an irrational militant man.

(grunts)

No!

Not the dicks!

Oh, by the way, hello guns.

He didn't want a bag of dicks.

He wanted a tastefulbasket of snatch.

An edible arrangement is what...

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

When... when brilliant artist

and all-around amazing humanbeing David Bowie passed away

on Sunday, the Internetwas flooded with so many

moving and amazing tributesfrom around the world.

Also, Smash Mouth did a thing.

Uh, they covered"Under Pressure",

which some have callednightmarish.

Let's judge for ourselves.

♪ Why can't we give lovethat one more chance ♪

♪ Why can't we give love,give love, give love ♪

♪ Give love...

Nope.

You should not be allowedto sing that song in Oakleys.

I'm just saying now.

So it's almost likeSmash Mouth is going,

"Yeah, 'Under Pressure'is a great song,

but what if we took outthe amazing harmonies

of Freddie Mercury and theincredible vocals of David Bowie

and then justall put it all together

in one incomprehensibleball of crap?

This is a great reminder of howeasy it is to ruin the things

we love, which is why tonight'shashtag is #RuinALoveSong.

Examples might be, uh,

"I Think I Love YouBut I Could Be Having A Stroke"

and "You Fleshlight Up My Life".

Uh, in 60 seconds, and begin.Chelsea Davison.

-When Chris Brown Loves A Woman.-Oh, no.

-Whoa!-Oh, no.

That may... That might havewon the whole thing.

-Hey, yup. End of the...-I'm-I'm... I'm going.

-See you. Thank you.-Later, guys. See you, guys.

That's the best, yeah.Uh, Adam Newman.

Let's Get It On...Video.

All right, points.Chelsea Davison.

It Had To Be You,Because I'm 39 and Childless.

All right, points.

Sean.

Jack and DianeAre Probably Divorced By Now.

They are, yes! Points.A couple times, I would imagine.

Uh, Adam.

Uh, Sexual... Oh, No,It's Not Healing.

All right, points. Yeah.

(bell dings)

Sean.

Uh, Baby In Red.

-All right, poin...-(audience groans)

That ruins the song.It really ruins the song.

And now it's time to playTalk Birdy To Me.

Talk Birdy To Me.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,meow, meow, meow, meow.

Talking to animals isn't justfor your jade-wearing aunt

who has a pet psychic businesson the side.

I think anyone can do it.So comedians, I'm gonna show you

a video of a chatty animal andfor 250 points, please tell me

what they are saying.First up, this howling husky.

(howling)

(bell dings)

Chelsea.

Where are my balls?!

That... Absolutely.

Sean.

Why do seals keep tryingto (bleep) me?

Points.

Next up, this pissed-off puss.

(moaning)

(bell dings)

Oh, my God, I should watch these

before we do the show--they're (bleep) terrifying.

What in the holy living (bleep)?

Jesus Christ.

What sort of weirdEgyptian mummy's curse

(bleep) that out on the...the material plane?

Oh, I don't feel good.Chelsea.

Why am I madeentirely out of taint?

-Jesus Christ.-Points.

Sean.

She's clearly saying,"Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, you didn't."

All right. Points.

What, did you justget cheated on?

I got this pussy waxed for you.

And you cheat on me?It's like...

All right, next up,this pathetic panda.

(whimpering)

(bell dings)

Sweet perm.Adam.

Where do youwant me to (bleep)?

Points.

Uh, Sean.

Uh, make sureto try the orange chicken.

-That's what it's saying.-Great.

Points.All right.

(applause)

More points.

All right, next up,this pig with the munchies.

(squealing)

-(bell dings)-Uh... Sean.

Sorry, I'm beinga real me right now.

Oh, nice. It's, like, yeah,it's coming back around.

It's time for our next game,Thrill or Spill?

Thrill or Spill?

In these trying times,little-kid GIFs

are the GIFthat keeps on GIF-ing.

Whether they're experiencinga moment of pure bliss

or falling flat on their face,uh, it is equally enjoyable.

Comedians, I'm gonnashow you a still image

of an adorable little kidand for 250 points

I want you to tell me if theyare going to experience

a thrill or take a spill.

First up.

-Thrill or spill?-(bell dings)

-Sean.-I would say spill,

because kids are dumb.

Let's find out.

Go limp, go limp!

NEWMAN:Which is it?

-Is that a thrill or a spill?-That's a...

I mean, I think it's...I-I think...

-Which is...-I think it's a spill

that... that maybeeventually becomes a thrill.

-But it's definitely a spill.-A thrilling spill.

-He's Titanicing.-Uh, next one.

How about this outdoorsy kid?

Thrill or spill?Chelsea.

Um, I'm gonna sayhe takes a spill,

because I feel like I'vedone that on Slip'N Slides.

All right, let's see.Let's see.

Hooray...

(imitates crash)

NEWMAN: That is emotionallyscarring, right there.

HARDWICK:Wow.

All right, next one.

How about this sports fan?

Thrill or spill?Adam.

Uh, we haven't seen a thrillyet. Let's go with a thrill.

Let's go with a thrill.Let's see.

NEWMAN:Oh, yeah.

Though I bet if you check hispants, there's a little spill.

-Yeah, there's a little spillin there, too. -A little spill.

100 pointsfor your spill joke, Chelsea.

Nice. Next one, last one,last one, thrill or spill?

-(bell dings)-Adam.

-That's definitely a spill.-Got to be. Let's see.

He's-he's got so high to falloff of. We got to see a spill.

-Oh!-(laughing): Oh! Surprise spill!

-Surprise spill!-Oh, it was a switcheroo spill!

Maybe that could be a thrill,because maybe he's happy

-to see his brother. -Oh, yeah.He's thrilled. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, "Oh, jackpot!"

It's time for Synoptic Nerves.Synoptic Nerves.

In just a few short hours,

Oscar nominationswill be announced,

making our lives livable again

and honoringthis year's best films

and prompting everyone to ask,"What's a Carol?"

But no one has time to watchall the great movies

that get nominated every year,so that's why we're playing

another installmentof Synoptic Nerves.

I'm gonna show youa former Best Picture winner,

and I want you to explain itto me in only five words.

All right?First up, Forrest Gump.

Explain it in five words.Chelsea.

Simpleton on benchbothers people.

Points. Next up, Titanic.

-Yes, Sean. -Big icebergkills Gilbert Grape.

Points! Next up, Braveheart.

Sean.

Mel hates Gentiles for once.

Points. Next up, The Godfather.

Adam Newman.

Spaghetti, cannoli,parmesan, horse head!

All right, points.Very well done, very well done.

Uh, next up, West Side Story.

Chelsea.

Romeo and Juliet but racist.

Points.

Uh, next up, Driving Miss Daisy.

Adam Newman.

A very involved Uber driver.

Points!

Very well done.

And finally, this could make orbreak Adam in this final one...

No!

-All right. The S... -Escape the Nazis through song.

Yes! All right.

Sean Donnelly gets the points.