Rick Overton & Kathleen Madigan

  • Season 1, Ep 0104
  • 02/24/1992

Kathleen Madigan talks about why having kids would be useful and describes the strange passengers on a Greyhound bus.

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO THE A LIST

AND WELCOME TO A TREMENDOUSLAWSUIT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAID THERE WASA TRAM, IT WAS AN ESCALATOR.

JEWS NEED TO KNOW.

DO I WALK, DO YOU JUST ROLL?

"JEWS NEED TO KNOW,"WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00-- BIG SHOW.

GREAT TO BE HERE.

GREAT TO BE A HOST.

GREAT TO BE ALIVE.

GREAT TO MAKE A LIVINGDURING A RECESSION

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AHH!

ACH, GOD, THIS WHOLEPOLITICAL THING IS...

I WANT DYLAN TO BE PRESIDENT.

TO ME, TO GO...

JUST TO HAVE HIM EVERY MORNING--

LIKE F.D.R. USED TO HAVETHE FIRESIDE CHATS--

JUST TO HAVE DYLAN GO "HOOGH."

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL.

WHAT... THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW, ALL THE OTHER,YOU KNOW, CRAP, YOU KNOW.

THAT "HOOGH" IS A PARAGRAPH,QUITE FRANKLY--

MORE THAN WHAT'S GOING ON.

ABOUT BEING, YOU KNOW, IN MY 40s

AND NOT HAVING A WIFEOR CHILDREN AND, UH--

GOOD NIGHT.

BUT IT'S SAD WHEN YOU'REHITTING YOUR FOR...

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT--IF I HAVE A KID NOW.

SAY I'M 40...

( mumbling )

AND MY KID GOES TO COLLEGE,I'LL BE LIKE 111

GOING TO HIS GRADUATION.

IT'D BE SAD, YOU KNOW.

IT'S SAD TO GO TO YOUR KID'SGRADUATION LIKE IN A BUBBLE

WITH A LITTLE "METS" HAT ON IT,YOU KNOW, AND GOING...

( amplified breathing )

I WON'T EVEN HEAROR SEE HIS REPORT CARDS.

I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE LIKE NOTESON A TOMBSTONE LIKE:

"HEY, GREAT SEMESTER, CHIP."

( laughter )

BUT, UH... I GUESS THE REASON IS

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AFRAID TOCOMMIT, YOU KNOW, TO A WOMAN--

NOT THAT I'MANY GIFT, OBVIOUSLY.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS A JOKE.

BUT, I MEAN, LIKE THIS...

I MET A WOMANA COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

AND SHE SEEMED TO LIKE...

I THINK SHE LOVED ME,QUITE FRANKLY

AND SHE WENT,"I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU"

AND I WENT, "OKAY, OKAY,DON'T PANIC, WE'LL WORK IT OUT

WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT."

I JUST...I JUST CAN'T COMMIT.

I SEND LOVE LETTERS IN A BOTTLE

AND IT TAKESABOUT THREE OR FOUR YEARS

FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING

AND LAST VALENTINE'S DAY I HADMY LAWYER DRAFT A VALENTINE

WHICH I FELT WAS...

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT,AND WHEN I MAKE LOVE

AFTER AN ORGASM, I HAVEA GETAWAY CAR OUTSIDE MY HOUSE

AND WHEN THIS WOMAN WAS NAKED--I JUST CAN'T TALK.

I CALLED HER BREASTS CURLY ANDMOE, WHICH I FELT WAS A MISTAKE

AND I JUST CAN'T SAY "I LO..."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO...I HAVE TO LEARN.

I... THE BEST I CAN DO IS

"I LOVE YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN."

IT'S SAID WHILE YOU'RE MAKINGIT-- DURING INTERCOURSE.

IN FACT, I PURPOSELYSTUDIED VENTRILOQUISM

SO I CAN THROW MY ORGASM,WHICH WAS SORT OF A SAD MOMENT.

( scattered laughter )

I FEEL PRETTY BAD.

I WAS BACKSTAGE AND I FEELLIKE I AM COMPLAINING.

YOU KNOW, LIFE'S SHORTBUT, UH...

NEVERTHELESS, IF YOU DON'THAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU...

IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

I WAS THINKINGABOUT THE INTIMACY THING

THINKING ABOUT MY EX-LOVERS

AND, LOOK, IF YOU CAN'T SAY"I LOVE YOU" TO SOMEONE.

THE BEST I COULD SAY WAS,"KETTLE OF FISH"

OR "YOU'RE ZANY AND DELIGHTFUL."

THAT'S LIKE DURINGGREAT LOVEMAKING

AND THEN, LIKE LAST WEEK

I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMEBODYTHAT I REALLY LIKED.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR HEART STARTSPOUNDING DURING INFATUATION?

THAT PERIOD WHEN YOU SEESOMEBODY, LIKE, AT A BAR

AND YOU KNOW, LIKE, THIS IS IT?

I FIGURED THIS IS IT--

AND SAFE SEX, KIDS,WHEREVER YOU'RE WATCHING--

BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT BECAUSE--THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER PROBLEM

BUT I GET IN BED,YOU KNOW, I GET UNDRESSED.

I'M UNDRESSED, OKAY,AND I SAY, "HERE'S JOHNNY."

I CAN'T EVEN BE ME.

I CAN'T EVEN BE ME.

WE MAKE LOVE AND I CAN'T EVEN--

DURING MY ORGASMI GO, "HEY, ABBOTT."

THAT'S SAD.

SO I GO TO THERAPY,I'LL WORK IT OUT.

THIS IS ONE WOMANWHO HAS A LOT TO SAY

BOY, THAT WAS GROSS.

IT'S THE GROSSESTPEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

THERE WERE65 PEOPLE ON THIS BUS.

I WAS THE LAST ONE ON.

I TOOK ONE LOOKAT THESE PEOPLE--

I FELT LIKE CALLING UNSOLVED MYSTERIES AND GOING

"YEAH, I FOUND EVERYBODY."

( laughter )

OH, MAN,EVERYBODY WAS SO GROSS.

SERIOUSLY.

THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME WENTINTO CONVULSIONS.

STARTED SWALLOWING HIS TONGUE.

HE WAS SHAKING AND SWEATING ANDPUKING AND HIS FRIEND'S LIKE

"OH, MAN, HE'S BEEN DRINKINGFOR 55 DAYS STRAIGHT.

WE GOT TO GET HIMOFF THIS BUS NOW."

SO WE GET HIM OFF THE BUS.

I'M LOOKING AROUNDGOING, "OH, GREAT.

NOW WHO'S GOING TO DRIVE?"

( laughter )

I THINK THE GUY BEHIND MELIKED ME

BECAUSE THIS IS ALL HE SAIDTHE WHOLE WAY OUT HERE.

( with old codger's voice: )"HEY...

"HEY...

HEY, HONEY, YOU KNOW, IF I WASJUST 20 YEARS YOUNGER..."

AND I GO,"JUST SHUT UP, DAD."

( laughter )

IT IS NICE TO BE OUT HERE.

SOME WOMAN HERE SAWMY DRIVER'S LICENSE

"OH, YOU'RE FROM MISSOURI?

"I HEARD YOU PEOPLEIN THE MIDWEST ARE SO BORED

"THAT YOU ACTUALLY GO OUTIN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY

AND TIP COWS OVERWHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING."

( laughter )

I TOLD HER, "I DON'T KNOWWHO'S TELLING YOU THIS STUFF

BUT WE DO IT AT NIGHT."

( laughter )

SHE WAS UPSET.

"OH, THAT'S SO MEAN.

THAT'S SO CRUEL;THOSE POOR COWS."

I'M LIKE, "LADY, IT'S A COW.

"IT HAS NO IDEAWHAT'S GOING ON, OKAY?

ALL THE COW KNOWS IS THAT HEWAS STANDING THERE SLEEPING..."

( laughter )

"NEXT THING HE KNEW

"THERE WAS A LITTLEDIRT IN HIS FACE.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL."

I GO, "OKAY,LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

"WHEN YOU FALL OUT OF BED, DOYOU LOOK FOR PEOPLE TO BLAME?

YOU WAKE UP AND GO, 'GOD,THERE'S COWS IN MY HOUSE'?"

( laughter )

IF YOU FALL OUT OF BEDAFTER LIKE AGE 12

YOU JUST THINK, "OH,I AM SOME SORT OF MORON.

"I'M NOT TELLING ANYBODYABOUT THIS.

I'LL HAVE TO GETONE OF THOSE BARS FOR MY BED."

I'VE HAD SO MANY ACCIDENTS

THAT I ALREADY KNOWWHAT THE POLICE ARE GOING TO ASK

BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYSTHE SAME FIRST QUESTION:

"WELL, MISS MADIGAN,WHERE WERE YOU HEADED

AT THE TIME OF THE ACCIDENT?"

"WELL, OFFICER,PRETTY MUCH INTO HIS TRUNK."

( laughter )

WHAT DOES IT MATTERWHERE I WAS HEADED

I DIDN'T GET THERE, DID I?

NO!

I WOULD HAVE DRIVEN AROUNDWITH MY HUSBAND

BUT I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.

I'M VERY SINGLE.

I'D LIKE TO GET MARRIED, THOUGH

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKETO HAVE KIDS.

I GET THOSE MATERNAL FEELINGS

LIKE WHEN I'M LAYINGON THE COUCH

AND I CAN'T REACHTHE REMOTE CONTROL...

( scattered laughter )

I THINK, BOY,A KID WOULD BE NICE RIGHT NOW.

( scattered laughter )

KIDS ARE CUTE, KIDS ARE FUN

BUT THEY'RE KIND OF LIKELIVING WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE.

THEY CHASE YOU ROUNDTHE HOUSE ALL DAY GOING

"HEY, CAN I HAVE A DOLLAR?

( laughter )

"I'M HUNGRY.

I NEED A RIDE."

( laughter )

GOT TO HAVE KIDS SOON.

I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME,ACCORDING TO COSMOPOLITAN.

I READ COSMOPOLITAN NOWBECAUSE I QUIT BUYING PERFUME.

NOW I JUST ROLL AROUNDIN MY MAGAZINES

BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

IT'S THE ONLY REASON TO BUY.

THEY HAVE TERRIBLE ADVICE.

ONE WOMAN WROTE IN,SAID SHE WANTED TO MEET PEOPLE

AND MAKE EXTRA MONEY.

THEY TOLD HER TO WAIT TABLES.

I WAITED TABLES FOR A WHILE.

I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE PATIENCE.

YOU'D ASK PEOPLESIMPLE QUESTIONS

AND THEY COULDN'T ANSWER THEM:

"SIR, WHAT KIND OF DRESSINGWOULD YOU LIKE ON YOUR SALAD?"

"WELL, WHAT KIND DO YOU HAVE?"

"WELL, WE HAVE FRENCH, RANCH,ITALIAN AND THOUSAND ISLAND."

"WELL, DO YOU HAVEHONEY MUSTARD?"

LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR ME SAYHONEY MUSTARD?"

( laughter )

"NO, SIR, I'M ONLYTELLING CERTAIN TABLES

ABOUT CERTAIN DRESSINGS TODAY."

( laughter )

TERRIBLE ADVICE.

THEY ACTUALLY SAID TO--

THIS WAS COSMOPOLITAN.

THEY SAID, UH, "OH, LOOKINGFOR MR. AND MRS. RIGHT?

"TIRED OF THE BARS?

TRY THE LAUNDROMAT."

YOU THINK I WANT TO BE 30AND DATING A GUY

WHO CAN'T AFFORD A DRYER?

I WAS THE MAID OF DEBTIN THAT LITTLE EVENT.

THE RECEPTION WAS FUN, THOUGH.

BIG CATHOLIC WEDDING RECEPTION.

A LOT OF DRINKING GOING ON.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY CATHOLICPEOPLE DRINK TOO MUCH

BUT I WENT TO A MIDNIGHT MASSTHIS PAST CHRISTMAS EVE

AND, BOY, THERE WASA ROWDY CROWD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,THEY WERE HECKLING THE PRIEST.

IT'S LIKE, "KEEPYOUR DAY JOB, PADRE."

MY GOD.

SOMEBODY IN THE CHOIRSTARTED THE WAVE.

( laughter )

EVERY TIME THE PRIEST WOULDSTART A STORY THEY WERE LIKE

"HEARD IT!"

( cheering and laughter )

AND I DON'T THINKTHE PRIEST WAS DRINKING

BECAUSE HE GOT UP AND HE GOES

"HI, MY NAME IS JOHN AND I'MAN ALCO... OH, WRONG MEETING."

( laughter )

I'LL PROBABLY GO TO HELL

FOR SAYING THOSE THINGS.

BUT I DON'T CARE, BECAUSEI THINK IN TEN YEARS

HELL'S GOING TO BETHE ONLY PLACE LEFT

WHERE YOUCAN STILLSMOKE.

AND YOU CAN'T SMOKEANYWHERE YOU GO ANYMORE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL QUIT.

I WAS OUT LAST SUNDAY.

I DIDN'T SEE ANY SIGNS.

NOBODY ASKED,SO I LIT A CIGARETTE

AND THIS WOMAN JUST LOST ALLCONTROL OF HER BODILY FUNCTIONS.

( coughing )

"PUT IT OUT,PLEASE, PUT IT OUT."

I TURNED AROUND.

SHE WAS THREE PEWS AWAY.

( laughter )

I SAID, "DIDN'T YOU SEE THEASHTRAYS WHEN WE CAME IN HERE?

"OH, THERE WAS WATER IN THEM

BUT THEY WERE HANGING RIGHTTHERE ON THE END OF THE PEW."

PEOPLE AREPROTESTING EVERYTHING.

I WAS AT THE DOG RACING TRACK.

THERE WERETHESE ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS.

THEY WERE VERY UPSETABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION:

"HEY, DID YOU KNOWSOME OF THESE DOGS ARE STARVED

SO THAT THEY'RE GUARANTEEDTO WIN THESE RACES?"

I GO, "THAT'S TERRIBLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONES?"

( laughter and scattered applause )

"I'M JUST HERE TO PICK A WINNER.

I DON'T REALLY CAREWHO GOT BREAKFAST."

( laughter )

I MEAN, I LIKE ANIMALS.

THAT'S WHY I WATCHTHE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

IT'S JUST ANIMALS MATING24 HOURS A DAY, ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE ANIMAL PORNO.

EVEN MY DOG IS LIKE, "HEY, TURNON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL..."

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW IT'S TIMETO GET A HOBBY

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELFIN A RECLINER

WATCHING LIZARDS HAVE SEX.

AND THE PROBLEM IS I CARE.

I'M LIKE, "DO YOU THINKHE LOVES HER?"