Rick Overton & Kathleen Madigan

  • Season 1, Ep 0104
  • 02/24/1992

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO THE A LIST

AND WELCOME TO A TREMENDOUSLAWSUIT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOU KNOW, THEY SAID THERE WASA TRAM, IT WAS AN ESCALATOR.

JEWS NEED TO KNOW.

DO I WALK, DO YOU JUST ROLL?

"JEWS NEED TO KNOW,"WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00-- BIG SHOW.

GREAT TO BE HERE.

GREAT TO BE A HOST.

GREAT TO BE ALIVE.

GREAT TO MAKE A LIVINGDURING A RECESSION

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AHH!

ACH, GOD, THIS WHOLEPOLITICAL THING IS...

I WANT DYLAN TO BE PRESIDENT.

TO ME, TO GO...

JUST TO HAVE HIM EVERY MORNING--

LIKE F.D.R. USED TO HAVETHE FIRESIDE CHATS--

JUST TO HAVE DYLAN GO "HOOGH."

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL.

WHAT... THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW, ALL THE OTHER,YOU KNOW, CRAP, YOU KNOW.

THAT "HOOGH" IS A PARAGRAPH,QUITE FRANKLY--

MORE THAN WHAT'S GOING ON.

ABOUT BEING, YOU KNOW, IN MY 40s

AND NOT HAVING A WIFEOR CHILDREN AND, UH--

GOOD NIGHT.

BUT IT'S SAD WHEN YOU'REHITTING YOUR FOR...

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT--IF I HAVE A KID NOW.

SAY I'M 40...

( mumbling )

AND MY KID GOES TO COLLEGE,I'LL BE LIKE 111

GOING TO HIS GRADUATION.

IT'D BE SAD, YOU KNOW.

IT'S SAD TO GO TO YOUR KID'SGRADUATION LIKE IN A BUBBLE

WITH A LITTLE "METS" HAT ON IT,YOU KNOW, AND GOING...

( amplified breathing )

I WON'T EVEN HEAROR SEE HIS REPORT CARDS.

I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE LIKE NOTESON A TOMBSTONE LIKE:

"HEY, GREAT SEMESTER, CHIP."

( laughter )

BUT, UH... I GUESS THE REASON IS

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AFRAID TOCOMMIT, YOU KNOW, TO A WOMAN--

NOT THAT I'MANY GIFT, OBVIOUSLY.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS A JOKE.

BUT, I MEAN, LIKE THIS...

I MET A WOMANA COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

AND SHE SEEMED TO LIKE...

I THINK SHE LOVED ME,QUITE FRANKLY

AND SHE WENT,"I LOVE YOU, I ADORE YOU"

AND I WENT, "OKAY, OKAY,DON'T PANIC, WE'LL WORK IT OUT

WE'LL WORK SOMETHING OUT."

I JUST...I JUST CAN'T COMMIT.

I SEND LOVE LETTERS IN A BOTTLE

AND IT TAKESABOUT THREE OR FOUR YEARS

FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING

AND LAST VALENTINE'S DAY I HADMY LAWYER DRAFT A VALENTINE

WHICH I FELT WAS...

THAT'S WHERE I'M AT,AND WHEN I MAKE LOVE

AFTER AN ORGASM, I HAVEA GETAWAY CAR OUTSIDE MY HOUSE

AND WHEN THIS WOMAN WAS NAKED--I JUST CAN'T TALK.

I CALLED HER BREASTS CURLY ANDMOE, WHICH I FELT WAS A MISTAKE

AND I JUST CAN'T SAY "I LO..."

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO...I HAVE TO LEARN.

I... THE BEST I CAN DO IS

"I LOVE YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN."

IT'S SAID WHILE YOU'RE MAKINGIT-- DURING INTERCOURSE.

IN FACT, I PURPOSELYSTUDIED VENTRILOQUISM

SO I CAN THROW MY ORGASM,WHICH WAS SORT OF A SAD MOMENT.

( scattered laughter )

OH, MAN,I GOT ONE THESE THROAT COLDS.

A LOT OF THE COMICSHAVE THIS HEAD COLD THING

GOING AROUND RIGHT NOW.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE ALLKISSING THE SAME AGENT'S ASS

OR SOMETHING.

( coughs )

( laughter )

YEAH, SO YOU'LLHAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

HEY, I LIKE YOUR BEARD.

GOOD, YOU'RE GROWING ITFOR OTHER REASONS THAN ME.

I'M GROWING ITBECAUSE I'M GOING BALD

AND SO I FIGURE MY HEADOUGHT TO WEIGH IN THE SAME

ON THE MEAT SCALE EVERY MORNING

AND THE BALDER I GET,THE LONGER THE BEARD WILL BE

TILL I'M JUST THIS BIG SHINYZZ TOP SON OF A BITCH

DOWN HERE LIKE THAT.

I NEED TO GO BUY A HAT AND...

WHEN YOUR BEARD'S THAT LONG

YOU CAN REALLYSTART HAVING SOME FUN.

CLIP IT COMPLETELY STRAIGHT,INVERT YOUR HEAD

AND DO HOUSE PARTY.

( scattered laughter )

THANK YOU.

THE REST OF YOU, RENT THE TAPE,GET THE JOKE LATER.

( scattered laughter )

YEAH, BUT I'M ABLE TO DONEW BEARD IMPRESSIONS

I WASN'T ABLE TO DO BEFORE.

( as Sean Connery: )"UH, COMRADES, TODAYWE SAIL INTO HISTORY."

( laughter and applause )

"I'M THE COMMANDEROF RUSSIAN SUBMARINE

AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY ACCENT."

( laughter )

"PERHAPS YOU STUDIO EXECUTIVESDON'T UNDERSTAND--

"I'M SEAN CONNERY.

"I DON'T LEARN RUSSIAN.

YOU HIRE AN ENTIRE SCOTTISHCREW TO MAKE ME BLEND IN."

( laughter )

( with Scottish accent: )"AYE, SIR, WE'RE YOURRUSSIAN CREW, SIR.

WE'LL BE IN THE REACTOR ROOM,IF YOU NEED US, SIR."

( as Sean Connery: )"YEAH, A VODKA MARTINI,SHAKEN NOT STIRRED."

HE WAS THE BEST JAMES BONDBY FAR.

WASN'T HE SO COOL?

( applause )

FINALLY, COMPLETELY BALD--NOW HE GETS RECOGNIZED.

NOW HE GETS THE AWARDS

SO I'M JUST THINNING IT OUTTO GET THE AWARD.

THE ADVENTURE HEROFROM THE MOVIES.

NOW WE'RE SO NUMB, THE SHOW COPSIS OUR FAVORITE THING.

REAL-- BANG-- COPS!

EVERY SATURDAY,IT'S OKAY WITH US

THAT WE SEE OUR OWN NEIGHBORS

BEING DRAGGED OUT OF THEIR HOUSEIN THEIR UNDERWEAR

WHILE THEIR CHILDREN CRYON THE PORCH AND STUFF.

"DADDY!"

"I'LL BE BACK."

AND EVERY SATURDAY,IT'S THE SAME POOR BASIC...

YOU KNOW, THAT FAT, WHITE TRASH,NO-TOOTH GOON IN FLIP-FLOPS

ON A GRAVEL DRIVEWAY.

GETTING GARBAGE-TWIST-TIEDBEHIND HIS BACK, AND HE'S ALWAYS

"WELL, SHE HIT ME FIRST."

"OKAY, INTO THE CAR."

RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA.

THIS GUY COULDN'T LOOK WORSEIN HIS LIFE IF HE TRIED

BUT THIS ISN'T THE NEWS, WHICHMEANS HE HAD TO SIGN A RELEASE.

HE OKAYED THAT FOOTAGE TO GOACROSS AMERICA'S SCREENS?

WHEN DID HE SIGN THE RELEASE?

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS."

( wailing and blubbering )

"OH, TV!

"OH, NO, THAT'D BE GREAT.

"YEAH, SURE, JUST SIGN RIGHT HERE.

"OKAY, THAT'LL DO.

"OKAY, YEAH.

"WHEN'S IT GOING TO BE ON?

I WANT TO CALLALL MY FRIENDS."

AM I THE ONLY ONETHAT GETS THE FEELING

WE'RE IN THAT WEIRD KINDOF BURNING ROMAN PHASE

OF WESTERN CULTURE RIGHT NOW?

YOU FEEL IT TOO SOMETIMES?

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'REIN BURNING ROMAN PHASE?

WHEN GLADIATOR SHOWSARE REALLY BIG ON TV?

ISN'T THAT LIKE A WARNING SIGN

THAT SOMETHING'S GOING WRONGWITH YOUR CULTURE?

"READ MY LIPS.

"READ THESE LIPS.

"NO NEW TAXES.

"READ THEM AGAIN.

"NO NEW TAXES.

"OKAY, NOW, READ MY HIPS.

"SCREW YOU, EVERYBODY,NEW TAXES.

"HERE THEY COME, UH-OH...

NEW TAXES, WHAT CAN I SAY?"

( cheering )

"OH-OH, IS THAT A...

IS THAT A...A THING YOU CAN WRITE?"

"NO, IT'S NEW TAXES FOR YOU."

"IS THAT A SILVER DO..."

"NO! NEW TAXES, OUCH."

OH, MAN.

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOWWHO CAN BE PRESIDENT

AND I DON'T KNOWWHO'S GOING TO BE

BUT WHOEVER IT IS, THEY BETTERBE TALKING ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT

THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY

BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY ISSUELEFT ON THE PLANET EARTH.

I'M SORRY, IF YOU HAVE ECONOMYIN YOUR HAND

AND I HAVE ECOLOGY IN MINE,MY HAND WINS, OKAY?

I COLLECT ALL THE CHIPS

BECAUSE WITHOUT PEOPLE,THERE'S NO ONE TO LIE TO, OKAY?

SO, THERE'S A OZONE HOLE THAT'SLIKE A BALD SPOT ON THE EARTH.

OKAY, HERE'S THE EARTH.

THIS IS THE EARTHAND THIS IS THE...

WE'RE BEING STUPID.

"IT'S A BALD SPOT; WE'LL JUSTCOMB IT OVER FROM CANADA.

PART IT LOW AND COMB IT OVER."

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WE GOT A TEAM UPRIGHT ABOUT NOW.

THERE'S OIL SPILLSDESTROYING OUR OCEANS.

YOU WANT TO STOP THE OIL SPILLS?I GOT AN IDEA.

TAKE YOUR OIL COMPANIES, MERGETHEM WITH YOUR CONDOM COMPANIES

AND YOU DESIGNA HUGE TANKER CONDOM!

A COUPLE OF TUGBOATS ON,ROLL IT OVER THE HULL OF A SHIP.

BUT NOWTHE CAPTAIN'S COMPLAINING.

HE'S LIKE, "I DON'TLIKE IT, MATEYS.

I CAN'T FEEL THE OCEAN."

( growling )

"I NEED A DRINK.

♪ "IT'S A SAILOR'SLIFE FOR ME. ♪

I'LL ONLY BRING IT HALFWAYINTO YOUR HARBOR, PROMISE."

( imitating fog horn )

"I WON'T SPILL INYOUR BAY, PROMISE."

( imitating fog horn )

"CHECK'S IN THE MAIL."

( imitating fog horn )

( scattered laughter )

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE'RE DEVOLVING.

( making monkey noises )

WE'RE DEVOLVING.

NATURE IN THE 21st CENTURYIS NOT GOING TO DIVIDE US UP

BY RACE, CREED, COLOROR WHERE YOU'RE FROM.

IT'S GOING TO DIVIDE US UPBY I.Q.

GET ON THE BOAT OR YOU'RE TAR.

YOU'RE PETROLEUM PRODUCTFOR THE JETSONS, ALL RIGHT?

A LOT OF COMICS,THEY MAKE FUN OF GAYS.

I WONDER IF GAYS MAKE FUNOF STRAIGHTS?

MAYBE THERE'S A GAY BARIN WEST HOLLYWOOD...

HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING,OF COURSE...

( laughter )

AND MAYBE THEY'RE MAKING FUNOF HETEROSEXUALS.

( with effeminate voice: )"OH, MY GOD, THAT IS SO FUNNY

YOU MUST DO THE IMPRESSIONONE MORE TIME."

( with deep voice: )"I'LL HAVE A BEER."

"OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY!"

( shrieking )

( cheering )

( with effeminate voice: )"YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU DO THAT IMPRESSION A LITTLETOO WELL, IF YOU ASK ME."

"MEOW, SCRATCH, SCRATCH.

"SOMEBODY WOKE UP

ON THE WRONG SIDEOF THE FUTON THIS MORNING, HMM?"

THEN YOU GO TO A SUSHI BAROR CHINESE RESTAURANT.

AS SOON THE ASIAN WAITERIS GONE, ALL THE OCCIDENTALS

START MAKING FUN OF HIM.

( speaking fake Chinese )

I WONDER IF ALL THE ASIANSARE GATHERED IN THE KITCHEN...

( laughter )

( with pseudo-American accent: )"BASEBALL!

"APPLE PIE!

I'LL HAVE A HAMBURGER, PLEASE."

( shrieking )

"I'D LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I FEEL PRETTY BAD.

I WAS BACKSTAGE AND I FEELLIKE I AM COMPLAINING.

YOU KNOW, LIFE'S SHORTBUT, UH...

NEVERTHELESS, IF YOU DON'THAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU...

IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

I WAS THINKINGABOUT THE INTIMACY THING

THINKING ABOUT MY EX-LOVERS

AND, LOOK, IF YOU CAN'T SAY"I LOVE YOU" TO SOMEONE.

THE BEST I COULD SAY WAS,"KETTLE OF FISH"

OR "YOU'RE ZANY AND DELIGHTFUL."

THAT'S LIKE DURINGGREAT LOVEMAKING

AND THEN, LIKE LAST WEEK

I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMEBODYTHAT I REALLY LIKED.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR HEART STARTSPOUNDING DURING INFATUATION?

THAT PERIOD WHEN YOU SEESOMEBODY, LIKE, AT A BAR

AND YOU KNOW, LIKE, THIS IS IT?

I FIGURED THIS IS IT--

AND SAFE SEX, KIDS,WHEREVER YOU'RE WATCHING--

BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT BECAUSE--THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER PROBLEM

BUT I GET IN BED,YOU KNOW, I GET UNDRESSED.

I'M UNDRESSED, OKAY,AND I SAY, "HERE'S JOHNNY."

I CAN'T EVEN BE ME.

I CAN'T EVEN BE ME.

WE MAKE LOVE AND I CAN'T EVEN--

DURING MY ORGASMI GO, "HEY, ABBOTT."

THAT'S SAD.

SO I GO TO THERAPY,I'LL WORK IT OUT.

THIS IS ONE WOMANWHO HAS A LOT TO SAY

BOY, THAT WAS GROSS.

IT'S THE GROSSESTPEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

THERE WERE65 PEOPLE ON THIS BUS.

I WAS THE LAST ONE ON.

I TOOK ONE LOOKAT THESE PEOPLE--

I FELT LIKE CALLING UNSOLVED MYSTERIES AND GOING

"YEAH, I FOUND EVERYBODY."

( laughter )

OH, MAN,EVERYBODY WAS SO GROSS.

SERIOUSLY.

THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME WENTINTO CONVULSIONS.

STARTED SWALLOWING HIS TONGUE.

HE WAS SHAKING AND SWEATING ANDPUKING AND HIS FRIEND'S LIKE

"OH, MAN, HE'S BEEN DRINKINGFOR 55 DAYS STRAIGHT.

WE GOT TO GET HIMOFF THIS BUS NOW."

SO WE GET HIM OFF THE BUS.

I'M LOOKING AROUNDGOING, "OH, GREAT.

NOW WHO'S GOING TO DRIVE?"

( laughter )

I THINK THE GUY BEHIND MELIKED ME

BECAUSE THIS IS ALL HE SAIDTHE WHOLE WAY OUT HERE.

( with old codger's voice: )"HEY...

"HEY...

HEY, HONEY, YOU KNOW, IF I WASJUST 20 YEARS YOUNGER..."

AND I GO,"JUST SHUT UP, DAD."

( laughter )

IT IS NICE TO BE OUT HERE.

SOME WOMAN HERE SAWMY DRIVER'S LICENSE

"OH, YOU'RE FROM MISSOURI?

"I HEARD YOU PEOPLEIN THE MIDWEST ARE SO BORED

"THAT YOU ACTUALLY GO OUTIN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY

AND TIP COWS OVERWHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING."

( laughter )

I TOLD HER, "I DON'T KNOWWHO'S TELLING YOU THIS STUFF

BUT WE DO IT AT NIGHT."

( laughter )

SHE WAS UPSET.

"OH, THAT'S SO MEAN.

THAT'S SO CRUEL;THOSE POOR COWS."

I'M LIKE, "LADY, IT'S A COW.

"IT HAS NO IDEAWHAT'S GOING ON, OKAY?

ALL THE COW KNOWS IS THAT HEWAS STANDING THERE SLEEPING..."

( laughter )

"NEXT THING HE KNEW

"THERE WAS A LITTLEDIRT IN HIS FACE.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL."

I GO, "OKAY,LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

"WHEN YOU FALL OUT OF BED, DOYOU LOOK FOR PEOPLE TO BLAME?

YOU WAKE UP AND GO, 'GOD,THERE'S COWS IN MY HOUSE'?"

( laughter )

IF YOU FALL OUT OF BEDAFTER LIKE AGE 12

YOU JUST THINK, "OH,I AM SOME SORT OF MORON.

"I'M NOT TELLING ANYBODYABOUT THIS.

I'LL HAVE TO GETONE OF THOSE BARS FOR MY BED."

I'VE HAD SO MANY ACCIDENTS

THAT I ALREADY KNOWWHAT THE POLICE ARE GOING TO ASK

BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYSTHE SAME FIRST QUESTION:

"WELL, MISS MADIGAN,WHERE WERE YOU HEADED

AT THE TIME OF THE ACCIDENT?"

"WELL, OFFICER,PRETTY MUCH INTO HIS TRUNK."

( laughter )

WHAT DOES IT MATTERWHERE I WAS HEADED

I DIDN'T GET THERE, DID I?

NO!

I WOULD HAVE DRIVEN AROUNDWITH MY HUSBAND

BUT I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND.

I'M VERY SINGLE.

I'D LIKE TO GET MARRIED, THOUGH

BECAUSE I WOULD LIKETO HAVE KIDS.

I GET THOSE MATERNAL FEELINGS

LIKE WHEN I'M LAYINGON THE COUCH

AND I CAN'T REACHTHE REMOTE CONTROL...

( scattered laughter )

I THINK, BOY,A KID WOULD BE NICE RIGHT NOW.

( scattered laughter )

KIDS ARE CUTE, KIDS ARE FUN

BUT THEY'RE KIND OF LIKELIVING WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE.

THEY CHASE YOU ROUNDTHE HOUSE ALL DAY GOING

"HEY, CAN I HAVE A DOLLAR?

( laughter )

"I'M HUNGRY.

I NEED A RIDE."

( laughter )

GOT TO HAVE KIDS SOON.

I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME,ACCORDING TO COSMOPOLITAN.

I READ COSMOPOLITAN NOWBECAUSE I QUIT BUYING PERFUME.

NOW I JUST ROLL AROUNDIN MY MAGAZINES

BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE.

IT'S THE ONLY REASON TO BUY.

THEY HAVE TERRIBLE ADVICE.

ONE WOMAN WROTE IN,SAID SHE WANTED TO MEET PEOPLE

AND MAKE EXTRA MONEY.

THEY TOLD HER TO WAIT TABLES.

I WAITED TABLES FOR A WHILE.

I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE PATIENCE.

YOU'D ASK PEOPLESIMPLE QUESTIONS

AND THEY COULDN'T ANSWER THEM:

"SIR, WHAT KIND OF DRESSINGWOULD YOU LIKE ON YOUR SALAD?"

"WELL, WHAT KIND DO YOU HAVE?"

"WELL, WE HAVE FRENCH, RANCH,ITALIAN AND THOUSAND ISLAND."

"WELL, DO YOU HAVEHONEY MUSTARD?"

LIKE, "DID YOU HEAR ME SAYHONEY MUSTARD?"

( laughter )

"NO, SIR, I'M ONLYTELLING CERTAIN TABLES

ABOUT CERTAIN DRESSINGS TODAY."

( laughter )

TERRIBLE ADVICE.

THEY ACTUALLY SAID TO--

THIS WAS COSMOPOLITAN.

THEY SAID, UH, "OH, LOOKINGFOR MR. AND MRS. RIGHT?

"TIRED OF THE BARS?

TRY THE LAUNDROMAT."

YOU THINK I WANT TO BE 30AND DATING A GUY

WHO CAN'T AFFORD A DRYER?

I WAS THE MAID OF DEBTIN THAT LITTLE EVENT.

THE RECEPTION WAS FUN, THOUGH.

BIG CATHOLIC WEDDING RECEPTION.

A LOT OF DRINKING GOING ON.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY CATHOLICPEOPLE DRINK TOO MUCH

BUT I WENT TO A MIDNIGHT MASSTHIS PAST CHRISTMAS EVE

AND, BOY, THERE WASA ROWDY CROWD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,THEY WERE HECKLING THE PRIEST.

IT'S LIKE, "KEEPYOUR DAY JOB, PADRE."

MY GOD.

SOMEBODY IN THE CHOIRSTARTED THE WAVE.

( laughter )

EVERY TIME THE PRIEST WOULDSTART A STORY THEY WERE LIKE

"HEARD IT!"

( cheering and laughter )

AND I DON'T THINKTHE PRIEST WAS DRINKING

BECAUSE HE GOT UP AND HE GOES

"HI, MY NAME IS JOHN AND I'MAN ALCO... OH, WRONG MEETING."

( laughter )

I'LL PROBABLY GO TO HELL

FOR SAYING THOSE THINGS.

BUT I DON'T CARE, BECAUSEI THINK IN TEN YEARS

HELL'S GOING TO BETHE ONLY PLACE LEFT

WHERE YOUCAN STILLSMOKE.

AND YOU CAN'T SMOKEANYWHERE YOU GO ANYMORE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL QUIT.

I WAS OUT LAST SUNDAY.

I DIDN'T SEE ANY SIGNS.

NOBODY ASKED,SO I LIT A CIGARETTE

AND THIS WOMAN JUST LOST ALLCONTROL OF HER BODILY FUNCTIONS.

( coughing )

"PUT IT OUT,PLEASE, PUT IT OUT."

I TURNED AROUND.

SHE WAS THREE PEWS AWAY.

( laughter )

I SAID, "DIDN'T YOU SEE THEASHTRAYS WHEN WE CAME IN HERE?

"OH, THERE WAS WATER IN THEM

BUT THEY WERE HANGING RIGHTTHERE ON THE END OF THE PEW."

PEOPLE AREPROTESTING EVERYTHING.

I WAS AT THE DOG RACING TRACK.

THERE WERETHESE ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS.

THEY WERE VERY UPSETABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION:

"HEY, DID YOU KNOWSOME OF THESE DOGS ARE STARVED

SO THAT THEY'RE GUARANTEEDTO WIN THESE RACES?"

I GO, "THAT'S TERRIBLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONES?"

( laughter and scattered applause )

"I'M JUST HERE TO PICK A WINNER.

I DON'T REALLY CAREWHO GOT BREAKFAST."

( laughter )

I MEAN, I LIKE ANIMALS.

THAT'S WHY I WATCHTHE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

IT'S JUST ANIMALS MATING24 HOURS A DAY, ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE ANIMAL PORNO.

EVEN MY DOG IS LIKE, "HEY, TURNON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL..."

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW IT'S TIMETO GET A HOBBY

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELFIN A RECLINER

WATCHING LIZARDS HAVE SEX.

AND THE PROBLEM IS I CARE.

I'M LIKE, "DO YOU THINKHE LOVES HER?"

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