Sam Morril

  • Season 4, Ep 9
  • 10/24/2015

Sam Morril talks about what we should be teaching children, nonsensical homophobia, the repercussions of telling controversial jokes and surprise orgies.

I used to fightwith my ex all the time.

She was mad I didn't cryduring the break-up.

She's, like, "You're not cryingduring this break-up,

but you cried during thatMagic Johnson documentary."

Maybe that should show you howout of touch with reality she is

that she thinks she's inthe same inspiration category

as the greatest point guardthat ever played the game.

That guy playedin the all-star game with HIV.

She wouldn't (bleep) me whenshe had a headache, all right?

(laughter)

(applause)

I mean, Magic Johnson--I know we're in Boston--

but that guy's a legend.

Every-every endorsement--Converse, 7-Up.

He never got Trojan, but I thinkhe deserved to get it.

Who would have been better?

If you were on the fenceabout wearing protection,

and you saw Magic Johnson's facein the box,

you'd be, like,"We should definitely wear...

a condom."

There's a commercial--you're coming out of a blackout.

You wake up next to a veryregrettable one-night stand.

You see a little pictureof Magic's face in the box.

You, like, "Oh, Magic,thanks for the assist."

That's, you know...

(laughter and applause)

'Cause it's a fun AIDS joke,that's why.

You know, it's upbeat.

I never wore a condomwith my ex-girlfriend

'cause she was on the pill.

Ambien? And, uh...

I didn't feel the need,you know?

I ran into my biological fatherrecently.

I told my friend.He was, like,

"Is your biological fathera good person?"

And I was, like, "If he were,I probably would not

refer to himas my biological father."

Most people say "Dad."

I look exactly like him.I show my friend a picture.

He was, like, "Oh, my God,

it's like you guys wereseparated at birth."

We were.

I liked the cool dadwhen I was a kid.

My friend's dadwould smoke weed with us,

and I was, like,"This guy is cool."

You know? Now that I'm older,it turns out he is not cool.

Turns out, he's a grown man thatdid drugs with children, so...

quite the opposite.

First time I met my biologicalfather, he took me out to lunch,

and the placehe took me turned out

to be a family style restaurant,

which... kind of ironic.

They should make broken familystyle restaurants.

You just walk in, like,"Where is the waiter?"

"I think he abandoned us.

I don't know, but..."

They forget to come outand sing "Happy Birthday."

They're, like,"We forgot, but...

we'll make it up to younext year."

Another guy comes out,he's, like,

"I don't actually work here.

"I'm just bangingthe owner, huh?

I'll be your step waiter."

Is that one too realfor the crowd? Sorry.