Kenny, Sanchez, Sykes, Hedberg, Jackson

  • Season 20, Ep 2002
  • 05/22/1998

WHY, THANK YOU.

I FEEL SO SPECIALAND PRIVILEGED.

GROWING UP,I ALWAYS LOVED COMEDIANS.

I USED TO LOVE--RICHARD PRYOR AND--

( man )YEAH !

( imitating Pryor )"THAT'S WHY FLIES DON'T BEMESSING WITH HORSE CRAP...

FLIES...

SAM KINISON...

( imitating Kinison )"I WAS MAD FOR TWO YEARS !"

THESE ARE SOME IMPRESSIONS...'CAUSE IF I DO JOE PESCI,

YOU CAN'T GOAND IMITATE IT.

"HEY, YOU MISSED BREUER,HE DID PESCI..."

"YOU HAD TO BE THERE, MAN,HE DID THE GOAT..."

SO HERE'S IMPRESSIONNUMBER ONE, YOU GUYS READY ?

THIS IS AN UMPIRE...MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL...

BUT HE HAS THREE ARMS.

IT'S A LITTLE TRAGIC BUT, HEY,HE'S IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES.

HERE COMES A PLAY AT THE PLATE,AND THE SLIDE AT HOME.

SHHH... SAFE !

IS HE OUT ?

SAFE.

SAFE !

IS HE OUT ?NO SAFE !

I THOUGHT HE WAS OUT,BUT SAFE !

NOW AS DUMB AS THIS IS,SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE DOING ITBY THE END OF THE NIGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL DRUNK--"HE'S SAFE !"

"HE WAS A ONE-LEGGED,FOUR-HEADED UMPIRE,I WAS THERE."

WHAT'S THIS,WHAT'S THIS ?

IT'S A FLOCK OF THESE.

WHAT'S THIS,WHAT'S THIS ?

I DON'T KNOW BUTHERE IT COMES AGAIN,LOOK OUT.

HERE'S EVERY CARTOONYOU'VE EVER SEEN.

WHEN THEY DIE THEYALWAYS HAVE A DRAMATIC ENDING:

UH !

UH !

AND WHEN THEY'RE DEAD THEYALWAYS DO THIS WEIRD THINGWITH THEIR LEG UP:

BLOOP, BLOOP !

BLOOP, BLOOP !

BLOOP, BLOOP !

SO FAR, THEY'RE EASY,RIGHT ?

YOU GOT "SAFE..."

"WHAT'S THIS ?FLOCK OF THESE..."

"WHAT'S THAT ?OH, NO, HERE IT COMES AGAIN..."

BLOOP, BLOOP !

ONE LAST ONE, AND THEN WE'REGONNA KICK OFF "PREMIUM BLEND."

THIS ONE'S A LITTLEHARD TO DO.

YOU'LL NEED SOME PRACTICE,I'M GOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

THIS IS A DOGDOING NUMBER TWO.

( sniffing )

( applause and cheering )

I THINK IF THE POSTALSERVICE HAD ANY BALLS,

THEY WOULD ISSUE A SERIESOF STAMPS COMMEMORATING

ALL THE PEOPLEKILLED BY MAILMEN.

SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT.

YOU KNOW EVEN WITHOUTTURNING ON THE NEWS,

THAT THERE'S GONNA BEA DISGRUNTLED POSTAL WORKER,AND A HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE.

EVERY NIGHT HIGH-SPEEDCAR CHASE, MAN.

THERE ARE ENOUGH HIGH-SPEEDCAR CHASES AND VIDEOS OFHIGH-SPEED CAR CHASES,

THAT "FOX" HAS DONE WHOLE SHOWSOF HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASES.

"CAR CHASES GREATEST HITS"WHERE THEY JUST SHOW CLIPSFROM THE BEST CAR CHASES EVER.

AND YOU KNOW WHICH ONETHEY HAVE TO SAVE FOR LAST ?

YEAH, THE TANK GUYIN SAN DIEGO, EXACTLY.

YOU CAN'T LEAD WITH A GUYDRIVING A TANK AROUND.

YOU CAN'T GO FROM A TANKTO A PANEL TRUCK.

YOU HAVE TO GO PANEL TRUCKTO TANK.

IT WAS THE BEST HIGH SPEEDCAR CHASE EVER,

WHERE THE GUY STOLE A TANK FROMA NATIONAL GUARD BASE,

AND JUST DROVE AROUNDKNOCKING STUFF OVER,JUST WENT CRAZY.

AND THEN THE MEDIA TRIEDTO MAKE HIM SEEM LIKEHE WAS A KOOK.

"WELL, HE HAD BEEN HAVINGPROBLEMS AT WORK, AND HISRELATIONSHIP WITH HIS WIFE,

"FINANCIAL PROBLEMS,AND APPARENTLY IT WAS JUSTTOO MUCH FOR HIM...BILL."

I WOULD LOVE TO BE AN ANCHORMAN,JUST TO SAY THE ENDOF THE BUMMER STORY,

AND THEN TURN AND SAYTHE GUY'S NAME NEXT TO ME.

"THOSE 30 PEOPLE STILLMISSING IN THAT BLIZZARD...CARL.

THAT WOULD BE SO FUN.

LOOK, I STOLE A TANK,I WAS DRIVING AROUND...

I DON'T THINK THERE'STHAT MUCH DIFFERENT BETWEENUS AND THAT GUY.

I HAVE HAD DAYS AND YOU HAVEHAD DAYS, THAT ARE SO CRAPPY,

YOUR BOSS SUCKS AND YOU'REFIGHTING WITH YOUR WIFE,ARR, ARR, ARR...

IF YOU CAME ACROSS A TANKAND THE KEYS WERE IN ITAND IT WAS RUNNING...

YOU WOULD HAVE TOGO FOR IT.

THAT WOULD BETHE FICKLE FINGER OF FATEGOING--

HEY, A TANK, I GUESS I'LLKNOCK SOME STUFF OVER !

I'M PISSED OFF,THERE'S A TANK,

I CAN'T LOOK THIS GIFT HORSEIN THE MOUTH.

THE FUNNIEST SHOW EVER.

THE PROBLEM IS,IT'S ONLY ON ONCE A YEAR,THE "MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT."

WOW, THAT IS 3 HOURSOF UNBRIDLED HILARITY.

MAN, 50 GIRLS, 50 STATES,THE BEST AND BRIGHTEST--

WHEN DID EVERY TEENAGE GIRLIN AMERICA, REGARDLESS OFWHAT STATE SHE'S FROM,

START SPEAKING INTHE "VALLEY GIRL" ACCENT ?

( in Valley Girl accent )"IT'S REALLY COOL TO BEMISS TENNESSEE,

"I WAS REALLY PROUD,AND NOW I'LL TURN IT OVERTO MISS ALASKA."

( in Valley accent )"THANK YOU, IT'S VERY NICETO BE REPRESENTING ALASKA.

"EVERYBODY THINKS THAT WELIVE IN IGLOOS BUT WE DON'T.

"AND NOW I'LL TURN IT OVERTHE MISS KENTUCKY."

"HI, I'M MS. KENTUCKY..."

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN ?

EVERY GIRL IN AMERICA TALKSLIKE SHE'S FROM THE VALLEY.

THEY'VE GOT THAT VOICE THATGOES UP AT THE ENDOF EVERY SENTENCE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE ASKINGA QUESTION EVEN WHEN THEY'REMAKING A STATEMENT.

IT'S STILL SOUNDS LIKETHEY'RE ASKING A QUESTIONEVEN THOUGH THEY'RE NOT.

THE BEST PART OF THEWAS THE INTERVIEW QUESTION,

THE VERBAL ESSAY QUESTION.

THE QUESTION WAS,

"IF YOU COULD INTERVIEWANY HISTORIC AMERICAN,WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY ?"

TALK ABOUT A DEERIN HEADLIGHTS.

THESE GIRLS WERE JUSTTERRIFIED.

YOU COULD READTHEIR THOUGHTS TOO,

"MAYBE IF I REPEAT THE QUESTION,IT WILL GIVE MY PEA-SIZED BRAINTIME TO FORMULATE AN ANSWER.

"I'LL REPEAT THE QUESTIONREALLY SLOW:

"IF I COULD INTERVIEWANY HISTORIC AMERICANWHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY ?

"NOT ENOUGH TIME."

ONE OF THE CONTESTANTSACTUALLY GAVE THIS ANSWER:

"IF I COULD INTERVIEWANY HISTORIC AMERICAN,

"I WOULD HAVE TO SAYGEORGE WASHINGTON,BECAUSE HE INVENTED DEMOCRACY

"AND DEMOCRACY IS AWESOME."

WHAT ?!

WE MAKE FUN OFDOPEY TEENAGE GIRLS,BUT WITHOUT THEM,

WOULD "TITANIC" BETHE #1 BOX OFFICE DRAWIN THE COUNTRY ?

I DON'T THINK SO !

LET'S GIVE DUMBTEENAGE GIRLS THEIR DUE !

THAT MOVIE IS #1 BECAUSE13-YEAR-OLD GIRLS AREGOING TO SEE IT 25 TIMES.

LIKE FINALLY, 13-YEAR-OLD GIRLSHAVE THEIR STAR WARS,ISN'T THAT WEIRD ?

( In Valley accent )"I THINK IT'S SO--A GOOD MOVIE,

"IT'S, LIKE, SO SADBUT IT'S ALSO ROMANTIC.

"IT'S ROMANTICALLY SAD."

WHEN I SAW "TITANIC,"THERE WAS ACTUALLY SOMETEENAGE GIRLS BEHIND ME,

BITCHING THAT IT HADA SAD ENDING.

WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO SEEA MOVIE CALLED "TITANIC,"

YOU CAN PRETTY MUCHFACTOR THAT IN.

( Valley accent )"OH, MY GOD, THE SHIPIS GOING TO SINK,THAT IS SO SAD.

"I LIKE THE MOVIE, BUT WHYDID IT HAVE TO BE SO SAD ?

AREN'T YOU GLAD THOSE GIRLSWEREN'T IN THE FOCUS GROUP ?

JAMES CAMERON HAS TO WRITEA WHOLE ALTERNATE ENDING...

"WE'VE HIT AN ICEBERG, CAPTAIN,WE'RE GOING DOWN WITHALL HANDS ABOARD.

"WAIT, SHE'S JOINING HERSELFBACK TOGETHER.

"HOORAY !

"ALL RIGHT, BOYS, LET'S SAILTO THE WEDDING OF THESETWO FINE YOUNG PEOPLE."

THERE WAS SOME THINGSI LIKED ABOUT TITANIC,

I LOVED THE CHARACTERSOF THE BAND.

I WANTED THE WHOLE MOVIETO BE ABOUT THEM.

THEY WENT OUT OF THIS LIFEAND THEY SHUFFLED OFFTHIS MORTAL COIL,

DOING WHAT THEY LOVED TO DOAND YOU KNOW THAT'S TRUE,THAT'S DOCUMENTED.

THE BAND REALLY DID PLAYAS THE SHIP WENT DOWN.

THAT WAS THE ONE PARTI THOUGHT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

I KNOW A LOT OFMUSICIANS,

I KNOW GUYS THAT WOULDWANT TO DIE PLAYINGTHEIR INSTRUMENTS.

THESE GUYS FOR GOD'S SAKE,GIVE 'EM A HAND !

THAT'S A COOL BIT WHERETHE SHIP IS GOING DOWN,

AND ONE GUY SAYS,"I DON'T THINKTHEY'RE LISTENING."

AND THE OTHER ONE GOES,"THEY DIDN'T LISTENAT DINNER EITHER,"

AND THEY JUST KEEP PLAYING.

I START TO TEAR UPAT THAT MOMENT,

THIS GIRL BEHIND MEDESTROYS THE MOMENT BY SAYING,

( In Valley accent )"DUH, MAYBE NOBODY'S LISTENINGBECAUSE THE SHIP IS SINKING.

"REAL GOOD TIMEFOR A CONCERT, DUH, DUH !"

"OH, MY GOD, MISS TENNESSEE,WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?

"MISS ALASKA,YOU'RE AT THE SAME MOVIE I AM ?"

THE NEW GENERATION RIGHT NOW,THEIR ATTITUDES.

GOT THAT HIP-HOP ATTITUDEEVEN THOUGH THEY'REWHITE, ASIAN, BLACK, LATINO--

DOESN'T MATTER, RIGHT ?

"BILLY, COME AND EAT !

"MAN, SHUT UP, MOM !

"SHUT UP, I'M TALKINGON MY CELL PHONE.

"IT'S JUST MY MOMBITCHING AGAIN !"

THEY DON'T HAVE ANYSOCIAL SKILLS, YOU KNOW WHY ?

'CAUSE THEY GOT COMPUTERSON THEIR DESKS.

WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT.

THE COOL THING ABOUTOUR GENERATION IS,

THEY USED TO LET USPICK OUR DESKS.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL,

AUTOMATICALLY,THE C, D-AVERAGE STUDENTSGO TO THE BACK--

"I DON'T WANT TO LEARN CRAP,I JUST WANT TO TALK !"

"WE'RE IN THE BACK,WE DON'T HAVE TO LEARN NOTHING."

THE C, D-AVERAGE STUDENTSARE RIGHT UP THERE.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE TALKINGAND THE TEACHER TRIES TO

EMBARRASS YOUIN FRONT OF THE CLASS ?

"JOHNNY, YOU GOT SOMETHINGYOU WANT TO SHARE WITHTHE REST OF THE CLASS ?

"HUH ?"

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH SOCIETY,THERE'S NO COMMON SENSE ANYMORE.

ALL THE BRAINY PEOPLE AREMAKING THE TECHNOLOGY,

THEY DON'T HAVECOMMON SENSE.

PEOPLE ALWAYS GET FOOLEDLIKE BY CAR COMPANIES--

"YEAH, I GOT THE NEW CARIT'S REALLY SAFE,

"'CAUSE THEY CRASHED ITIN THE WALL WITHTHE TEST DUMMIES."

THAT'S NOT FOOLPROOF,'CAUSE CRASH TEST DUMMIES

DON'T TENSE UPBEFORE IMPACT.

UNTIL WE GETA CRASH DUMMY TO GO, SH-- !BEFORE IT HITS THE WALL--

( cheering )

CAR COMPANIES ARE SPENDINGMILLIONS OF DOLLARS

SO DRUNK DRIVERS CANWALK AWAY FROM AN ACCIDENT.

WHY DO YOU THINK DRUNKSNEVER GET HURT ?

THEY'RE AS LIMP AS THE DUMMYTHEY DO THE TESTING ON.

THAT'S WHAT THEYSHOULD HAVE IN A COMMERCIAL,

THE DRUNK GETTING IN THE CARHITTING THE WALL.

GETS OUT,"WHOA, COOL."

THESE BRAINY PEOPLEDON'T HAVE ANY COMMON SENSE.

I WAS IN AN ATM DRIVE-THROUGHTHE OTHER DAY.

DRIVE-THROUGH,FOR VEHICLES ONLY.

I'M DOING MY TRANSACTION,I REALIZE IT'S IN BRAILLE.

THE C, D-AVERAGE STUDENTSIN THE BACK, ARE LOOKING LIKE--

I'LL EXPLAIN IT,WE GOT BRAILLE ONATM DRIVE-THROUGHS.

YOU GOT SOME GUYPULLING UP-- EERRR !

"LET ME GET A TWENTY HERE."

"WHAT TIME IS IT ?

"DAMN IT,I'M LATE FOR WORK--" EERRR !

I HAD SOME LADY GET MAD AT MEFOR TELLING THAT JOKE.

SHE SAID, "EXCUSE ME,MR. COMEDY, OR WHATEVER,

PEOPLE CAN WALK UPTO ATM DRIVE-THROUGHSAND USE THEM.

"THAT'S WHYTHERE'S BRAILLE, OKAY ?"

SHE'S RIGHT, BUT I DON'T THINKAN ATM DRIVE-THROUGHIS THE SAFEST PLACE

FOR A BLIND PERSONTO BE WALKING UP TO, DO YOU ?

YOU GOT SOME POOR BLIND GUY,"I GOTTA MAKEA QUICK TRANSACTION, HERE--"

WHO IN L.A. IS GONNAFEEL SORRY FOR HIM ?

THE GUY GETTIN' OUT OF HIS CAR, GRABS HIS HAND AND PUTS ITON HIS GRILL.

"YOU FEEL THAT ?

"THAT'S BRAILLE FOR'GO INSIDE THE BANK,'ALL RIGHT ?"

NEWS REPORTERSHAVE NO COMMON SENSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE ?

WHEN ANIMAL ATTACKS THEM,AND THEN THEY GO TOPARK RANGER BOB.

"WE'RE HEREWITH PARK RANGER BOB,WHAT HAPPENED ?"

"WELL, WE TRACKED DOWNAND KILLED THE BEAR,

YOU GUYS CANSLEEP TIGHT TONIGHT,TAKE CARE."

"THANKS,BACK TO YOU, BILL."

WHOA, HOW DO WE KNOWTHAT'S THE RIGHT BEAR ?

ALL THE BLACK BEARSLOOK THE SAME.

WHAT'S THE STORY ?

WERE THEY WALKINGTHROUGH THE WOODS,STALKING ALL THE RANGERS ?

SOME BLACK BEAR COMESWALKING OUT OF THE CAVE--

"I KNOW WHOYOU LOOKING FOR."

"YEAH, THE ONE THAT BITTHE KID THE OTHER NIGHT.

"YEAH, I HEARDALL ABOUT IT.

"THAT STUPID IDIOT ATESOME OF THEM WILD MUSHROOMSAND GOT HIGH.

"RUN AROUND THE FOREST,I BIT A KID, I BIT A KID !"

"DON'T BE YELLING,GET IN THE CAVE ANDSHUT THE HELL UP !

"YOUNG BEARS AIN'TGOT NO CLASS NO MORE.

"I GREW UP WITH GOOD BEARS,LIKE SMOKEY AND WINNIE.

"GOOD BEARS,KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

"DIDN'T HANG OUT WITH YOGI,THOUGH, YOGI GAY.

"I DON'T KNOWIF YA'LL KNOW.

"YEAH, BOO BOOHIS BITCH.

"WELL, WHAT BEAR YOU KNOWTALK LIKE THAT ?

" 'HEY, BOO BOO,GET A PICNIC--'

"HE GAY, AIN'T NO BLACK BEARTALK LIKE THAT.

"ANYWAY, BACK TOTHE SITUATION AT HAND,

"THESE YOUNG BEARSAIN'T GOT NO CLASS.

"THEY LOSE WEIGHT ON PURPOSE,GOT BAGGY FUR HANGING DOWN,

"YOU SEE THE CRACK OF THEIR ASSSHOWING.

"AND THEY AIN'T NICETO THE ANIMALS,

"GET THEIR LITTLE WOODPECKERSAND PUT THEM ON THEIR HIP,

"AND USE THEM AS BEEPERS,THAT AIN'T RIGHT !

" 'GO FIND OUTWHO BEEPED'."

"YEAH, I'LL RAT HIM OUT,HE'S OVER THERE,

"THIRD CAVEFROM THE LEFT.

"I DON'T MIND, 'CAUSE WORDAROUND THE FOREST IS,

"HE'S GOT A LITTLE BIT OFPOLAR BEAR BLOOD IN HIM.

"WE DON'T WANT NO HALF-BREEDSRUNNING AROUND THESE PARTS.

"GOTTA KEEP IT BLACK !"

OH, MAN. OH, I TOLD 'EM.

DON'T SIT THE CUTE COUPLESUP FRONT.

I HATE CUTE COUPLES.

I DO, YOU KNOW WHY ?

BECAUSE I DATED AN UGLY MAN,THAT'S WHY I HATE CUTE COUPLES.

LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER DATEDAN UGLY MAN BEFORE ?

WHOA, WHOA,DON'T RAISE YOUR HANDIF YOUR WITH HIM NOW.

THAT'S NOT NICE.

JUST THROW ME A LOOKOR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW ?

OH MAN, I'M MARRIED,

I DIDN'T MARRY THE UGLY MAN,I MARRIED A CHEAP MAN.

YEAH, HE'S CHEAP,BUT I KNEW HE WAS CHEAP,

'CAUSE WHEN WE WERE DATINGHE TOLD ME,

"BABY, I'M A ROMANTIC,THAT'S MY THING.

"I ENJOY THINGS LIKELONG WALKS IN THE PARK,

"AND MUSEUMS,AND WINDOW SHOPPING."

YOU LIKE A LOT OF FREE STUFF,THAT AIN'T GOOD.

AND HE USED TO GIVE MEONE ROSE, TOO.

YEAH, WATCH OUT FORTHE ONE-ROSE-GIVERS.

HE WOULD SAY,"THIS IS ONE ROSE FOR YOU,

"BECAUSE YOU AREONE SPECIAL LADY."

YEAH, I FELLFOR THAT MESS.

AND AFTER A WHILE I WAS LIKE,"NO, NO, NO, THIS IS ONE ROSE,

"BECAUSE YOU AREONE CHEAP BASTARD."

WHENEVER WE GO OUT,I PAY ALL THE TOLLS.

HE BACKS UP TO THE TOLLS,SO THAT THE BOOTHWILL BE ON MY SIDE.

HE'S YOUNGER, TOO,I MARRIED A YOUNGER MAN.

FIVE YEARS YOUNGERTHAN I AM.

HEY, IF YOU CAN'T FIND A GOOD MAN, RAISE ONE.

( cheering )

LADIES, GET OUT TOTHE HIGH SCHOOLS,GO TO THE PROMS.

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

YOU STILL GOT YOUR PROM DRESS,SHAKE IT OUT, GIRL !

GET YOUR ASS TO THE PROM.

MY HUSBAND AND I,WE GET ALONG,EXCEPT FOR MUSIC.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,MUSIC DATES YOU.

HE LOVES HIP HOP,HE LOVES RAP MUSIC,

BUT I LIKE JAZZ.

BUT SEE, HE STARTEDTO ENJOY JAZZ,

'CAUSE I LIKE TO LISTEN TOJAZZ WHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX.

SO NOW HE LOVES JAZZ,'CAUSE HE ASSOCIATES ITWITH SEX.

HE HEARS JAZZ, HE'S LIKE,"OH, THAT'S MY CUE,IT'S ON NOW."

BUT NOW I CAN'T EVENENJOY MY MUSIC.

I LISTEN TO MILES DAVISWASHING DISHES, I TURN AROUND,

HE'S STANDING THERE BUTT NAKED,"DID YOU CALL ME ?"

"I THOUGHT I HEARD YOUCALL ME."

NO MATTER WHAT, HE'S READY,HE'S CONDITIONED NOW.

HE'S LIKE PAVLOV'S DOG,HE HEARS THAT JAZZ,HE GETS EXCITED.

THAT'S EMBARRASSINGIN THE DENTIST OFFICE LIKE THAT,

'CAUSE YOUCAN'T EXPLAIN THAT.

LADIES KNOW WHATI'M TALKING ABOUT,THOSE NIGHTTIME ATTACKS.

RIGHT FELLAS,YOU KNOW YOU'RE GUILTY OF THIS.

YOU WAIT UNTIL WE'RE ASLEEP,YEAH, RIGHT ?

AND THEN YOU WAKE UPIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--

"OH, DAMN...

"NOW THAT IS A BEAUTY.

"THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNALET THIS GO TO WASTE.

"I'M GONNA HAVE TOWAKE HER UP FOR THIS."

THEN THEY TRY TO WAKE USUP WITH THAT POKING, RIGHT ?

THAT IS SO RUDE,ISN'T IT ?

YOU IN A DEEP SLEEP,DON'T WAKE ME UP LIKE THAT !

GIVE ME A LITTLEWARNING FIRST,

BLOW IN MY EAR,RUB MY BACK A LITTLE BIT.

DON'T JUST--( thump ! thump ! )

AND WHEN YOU IGNORE 'EM,THEY JUST GET MORE PERSISTENT.

( thump ! thump ! thump ! )

"HEY, CAN'T SLEEP, HUH ?"

YOU HAVE KNOCKED MEOUT OF THE BED,WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ?

YOU DAMN RIGHT I CAN'T SLEEP,I GOT A BRUISE ON MY ASS.

"OH, OH, I'M SORRYI WAS DREAMING I WASAT A JAZZ CONCERT.

"I THOUGHTI HEARD SOMETHING."

WE LIVE WITH A ROOMMATE.

TOLD Y'ALL MY HUSBAND WAS CHEAP,YOU THOUGHT I WAS PLAYING.

AND THE ROOMMATE IS A MANWHO'S MY BEST FRIEND.

IT'S REALLY WEIRD BECAUSEWHEN MY HUSBAND AND I MAKE LOVE,

WE HAVE TO BE QUIET,'CAUSE I DON'T WANT MYROOMMATE TO HEAR ME,

IT FEELS LIKE MY BROTHERLISTENING IN ON US.

BUT HE'S A MAN SOHE DOESN'T CARE IF WE HEAR HIM.

WE HEAR EVERYTHINGCOMING OUT OF HIS ROOMNIGHT AFTER NIGHT.

"OOOH, YEAH...OH, HARDER, BIG DADDY...

"OH, OH, OH, OH !"

CLICK.

( rewinding noises )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW MY CAREER--I LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT,I'M AT THE GYM NOW.

I HATE THE PEOPLETHAT WORK AT THE GYM,

BECAUSE THEY'REWAY TOO ENTHUSIASTICABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL,

AND ABOUT BODY-FAT PERCENTAGEIN PARTICULAR.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOUGONNA TARGET TODAY ?

"YOUR LATSOR YOUR QUADS ?

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WORK ON,YOUR DELTS ?"

I'M GONNA WORK ONGETTING LAID.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

IF YOU JUST POINT ME TOTHAT MACHINE, PLEASE.

AND THEY ALWAYS COME BYWITH THE MOST INANE ADVICE.

"HEY, DON'T FORGETTO BREATHE."

OH, THANK YOU,I ALWAYS FORGET THATA FEW TIMES A DAY.

I COLLAPSE AND PEOPLEHAVE TO REVIVE ME.

CAN YOU COME BACK IN A MINUTEAND REMIND ME TO BLINK ?

BECAUSE MY RETINAS START BURNINGUNLESS I HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU

TO HELP ME THROUGH THE DAY.

I KNOW THAT I DON'THAVE A GOOD DIET.

I ENJOY THE FAST FOOD.

AND MY FAVORITE OF ALLTHE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS,

IT MIGHT BEA LITTLE SURPRISING...

"THE BELL," TACO BELL.

I LIKE "THE BELL"FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

ONE, THE BEAUTIFULDINING ROOM.

TWO--I FEEL VERY WEALTHY ORDERINGFOOD AT THAT RESTAURANT.

"WHAT AM I ROCKEFELLER,HOW DID THIS HAPPEN ?"

OF COURSE, MY FAVORITE THINGABOUT "THE BELL,"

IT'S THE MOST CREATIVEOF ALL THE FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS

'CAUSE THEY MAKE, BASICALLY,THREE ITEMS.

AND THEN THEY CROSS-BREED,HYBRID, MUTATE THEM,

SLAP ON A CLEVERMARKETING NAME.

LIKE THE "DOUBLE DECKER" ?

IT'S A SINGLE, HARD-SHELL TACOWRAPPED BY A SOFT TORTILLA.

BUT HERE'S THE GENIUS,IN BETWEEN,

THEY PUT IN REFRIED BEANS,TO ACT AS AN ADHESIVE--

LIKE A GASKET.

IT'S NOT ONLY A TASTY TREAT,IT'S A SWEET PIECEOF ENGINEERING.

THERE'S ONE FOOD I WON'T EAT,WHICH IS THE HOT DOGAT A MOVIE THEATER,

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THERE'S NOU.S.D.A. PREPARATION GUIDELINES.

IT USED TO BE IMPALED ON SPEARSROTATING INSIDE A "TIMEX" CASE.

SUDDENLY THAT'S GONE.

REPLACED BY THE FOOT-MASSAGE,LOG-ROLL JAMBOREE.

AND THEY NEVER LOOKLIKE THEY'RE COOKING,

THEY JUST LOOK LIKETHEY'RE SWEATING.

SOMETHING VERY...WRONG.

I HATE THELEFT-HAND TURN ARROW,

BECAUSE IT CREATESA VERY TENSE SITUATION.

WHEN WE LINE UP,WAITING FOR THAT LEFT ARROWTO TURN FROM RED TO GREEN.

AND IT'S FINE FORTHE PERSON IN THE FRONT.

AND WHEN IT TURNS GREEN,THAT GUY NEVER SEEMS TO GO.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE POWER,KNOWING PEOPLE ARE BEHIND THEM,

AND THEY'RE CONTROLLINGPEOPLE'S LIVES.

THE GUY IN THE #2 SPOT,HE WON'T HONK,

BECAUSE HE FIGURES,"HEY, I'M GETTIN' THROUGH."

BUT THE FURTHER BACK YOU GET,THE MORE TENSE IT BECOMES

I'M WATCHING HIS BRAKE LIGHT,I'M LIKE, "COME ON."

SO I'M IN SIXTH, I HONK,THE GUY IN FRONT OF MEFLIPS ME OFF.

I'M LIKE,"I'M NOT EVEN HONKING AT YOU,I'M LOOPING AROUND YOU."

MY LEAST FAVORITE THINGTO DO IN L.A., IS RENT A VIDEO.

EVERYONE HAS A LITTLE OPINIONABOUT WHAT I LIKE TO RENT.

I RENT "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS,"WINS AN OSCAR...

GIVE IT TO THE KID,WHO'S, LIKE, FIFTEEN,

LOOKS AT ME,GIVES ME ONE OF THESE:

"WHATEVER."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHATEVER,"THAT IS A GOOD FILM.

HE GOES,"FIRST OF ALL, SIR.

THIS IS NOT A FILM,THIS IS A MOVIE.

IF YOU WANT TO RENT A FILM,RENT "MAN HUNTER,"

WE HAVE SOME COPIESIN THE BACK.

I'M LIKE, "MAYBE I DON'T KNOWTHE DISTINCTION BETWEENA FILM AND A MOVIE,

"BUT I THINK I KNOWTHE DIFFERENCE BETWEENA FILM CRITIC AND A CASHIER."

ANYONE SEE ME ON"THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW ?"

NO, I KNOW, MAN.

FOUR MILLION PEOPLEWATCH THAT SHOW,

AND I DON'T KNOWWHERE THEY ARE.

BUT IT'S A GOOD INTRODUCTIONFOR A COMEDIAN.

"YOU MIGHT HAVE SEENTHIS NEXT COMEDIAN ONTHE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW,"

BUT I BELIEVE MORE PEOPLEHAVE SEEN ME AT THE STORE.

AND THAT WOULD BEA BETTER INTRODUCTION.

"YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THISNEXT COMEDIAN AT THE STORE."

AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY,"HELL, YES, I HAVE."

THIS SHIRT IS "DRY CLEAN ONLY"WHICH MEANS...IT'S DIRTY.

"DRY CLEAN ONLY,"ALL RIGHT ?

ALL RIGHT,I'M READY TO GO.

LET ME GET A SANDWICH.

I THINK A ROTISSERIE IS LIKEA REALLY MORBID FERRIS WHEELFOR CHICKENS.

IT'S A STRANGE PIECEOF MACHINERY.

"WE WILL TAKE THE CHICKEN,KILL IT, IMPALE IT,AND THEN ROTATE IT.

"AND I'LL BE DAMNEDIF I'M NOT HUNGRY,

"BECAUSE SPINNINGCHICKEN CARCASSESMAKE MY MOUTH WATER."

I'D LIKE DIZZY CHICKEN...

WITH A SIDE OF POTATOESOF SOME SORT.

ONCE I OPENED UP A YOGURT,AND UNDERNEATH THE LIDIT SAID, "PLEASE TRY AGAIN."

THEY WERE HAVING A CONTESTI WAS UNAWARE OF,

BUT I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVEOPENED THE YOGURT WRONG.

OR MAYBE "YOPLAIT"WAS TRYING TO INSPIRE ME.

"COME ON, MITCH, DON'T GIVE UP,PLEASE TRY AGAIN.

"A MESSAGE OF INSPIRATIONFROM YOUR FRIENDS AT 'YOPLAIT'.

"FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM,HOPE ON TOP."

I CAN'T WAIT TILLTHIS SET IS OVER,

BECAUSE I HAVE A ROLL OF"LIFESAVERS" IN MY POCKET,

AND PINEAPPLE IS NEXT.

( whistling and cheering )

I LOOK AT THE FLOOR TOO MUCH,EVERYONE'S UP THERE.

I GET UP IN THE MORNING,I MAKE MYSELF A BOWL OFINSTANT OATMEAL,

AND THEN I DON'T DO ANYTHINGFOR AN HOUR.

WHICH MAKES ME WONDERWHY I NEED THE INSTANT OATMEAL.

I COULD GET THE REGULAR OATMEAL,AND FEEL PRODUCTIVE.

I LIKE "KIT-KATS" UNLESSI'M WITH FOUR OR MORE PEOPLE.

I GOT MY BACKSTAGE PASS,

SO WHEN I LEAVE THE STAGETHEY DON'T GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.

"GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT."

I WORK AT "ZANY'S COMEDY CLUB"IN NASHVILLE,

AND I WASN'T GETTINGA LOT OF LAUGHS THERE.

SO THE CLUB OWNER SAID,"MITCH, YOU'RE NOT GETTINGANY LAUGHS.

"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TOVACUUM THE CLUB."

HE MADE ME VACUUM.

SO I TOLD THE NEXT CROWD,"HEY, Y'ALL GOTTASTART LAUGHING,

"OTHERWISE,DON'T DROP SH--."

"WERE THEYA GOOD CROWD ?"

"YEAH, THEY WERE NEAT."

SOME COMEDY CLUBSPASS OUT COMMENT CARDS,AND I THINK THAT'S RUDE.

I'LL JUST PRETEND THIS LISTOF MY JOKES FOR TONIGHTIS A COMMENT CARD.

THERE'S A LINE THAT SAYS"COMMENTS,"

AND PEOPLE WRITE DOWNWHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE SHOW,

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE WRITENEGATIVE THINGS,

AND THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

NOW BEING A COMEDIAN ISA VERY NOBLE OCCUPATION,

WE STAND IN FRONT OF STRANGERSAND TRY TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH.

IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY,TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEK.

DON'T COMPLAIN 'CAUSE THENI CAN'T GO BACK.

I'VE READ SOME THAT SAYS,"MITCH SUCKS."

THEN YOU LOOK UP ABOVE IT,IT HAS THEIR NAME AND ADDRESS.

THAT'S RIGHT, I DO SUCK,BUT I GOT A LOT OF FREE TIME.

I'VE BEEN LIVING IN MIAMIFOR THE LAST SIX YEARS,

AND I DON'T WANTTO LIVE THERE.

SEE, FIRST I DIVORCEDMY EX-HUSBAND... SATAN.

DID ANY OF YOUMARRY SATAN ?

YEAH, HE GETS AROUND.

AND SO THEN I CALLED UPMY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

AND HE MARRIED ME.

AND HE LIVED IN MIAMI,MY HOMETOWN,SO I HAVE TO BE THERE.

AND I DON'T HAVEANY FRIENDS THERE,

BECAUSE EVERYBODY'SCUBAN, RETIRED, OR NAKED.

THE TOPLESS MODELSON SOUTH BEACH,

THEY DON'T JUSTLAY THERE TOPLESS,

THEY PLAY FRISBEETO MAKE SURE YOU NOTICE.

SOMETIMES YOU'LL FINDSOMEONE WHO'S ALL THREE,A CUBAN, RETIRED, NAKED PERSON.

WHEN I FIRST CALLED UPMY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

I'D FOUND OUT HE'DBECOME A COP.

AND I THOUGHT,"OH, COPS ARE SO BRAVE,

"THEY PROTECT US FROM BAD PEOPLEAND RISK THEIR LIVES."

AND THEN I MET THEM,AND FOUND OUT THEY GO TO"HOOTERS."

SO I WROTEA SONG ABOUT IT.

( cheering )

THANK YOU, MY CD'S ARE FOR SALEON MY WEB PAGE.

"BIMBOS IN BIKINIS."

♪ I'M IN NEW YORKIN MY OFFICE ♪

♪ WHERE PEOPLE WEAR CLOTHES'CAUSE IT'S COLD ♪

♪ WHILE YOU'RE AT A BARIN MIAMI ♪

♪ WATCHING BIMBOS WALK BYIN BIKINIS ♪

♪ I NEVER LOOK AT OTHER MEN,'CAUSE I HAVE YOU ♪

♪ BUT YOU LOOK ATBIMBOS IN BIKINIS ♪

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO ?

♪ I'M NOT NEUROTICOR INSECURE ♪

♪ I'M A 90'S WOMAN AND ALLMY THOUGHTS ARE MATURE ♪

♪ I HAVE NO REASON NOTTO TRUST YOU ANDI WANT YOU TO BE FREE ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE LOOKING ATBIMBOS IN BIKINISINSTEAD OF ME ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE MIAMI

♪ THERE'S TOO MUCH FLESHOUT-OF-CONTROL ♪

♪ WHEN SOMEONE'S BOOBSARE IN YOUR FACE ♪

♪ HOW CAN YOU SEETHEIR SOUL ? ♪

THAT'S THE BEST LINEI EVER WROTE,

'CAUSE WOMEN LOVE THAT LINE,AND MEN JUST LIKETHE WORD "BOOBS."

♪ LUST IS RAMPANT AND ALL I SEEARE BIKINIS AND BIMBOS ON MTV ♪

♪ AND MAGAZINESIN THE STREETS EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ YOU'D HAVE TO BE BLINDNOT TO NOTICE THEM THERE ♪

HEY, IF YOU WERE BLIND,OUR LOVE COULD WORK.

I'LL JUST GET A KNIFEAND GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT.

♪ BUT I DON'T WANT YOUTO BE BLIND ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THEN YOUCOULDN'T SEE ME ♪

♪ SO I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TOWORK OUT AT A GYM REAL HARD ♪

♪ AND BUY A BIKINI

♪ I'LL BUY A BIKINI

♪ I'LL MAYBE IN THE CLOSET WITHTHE LIGHTS OUT WEAR A THONGTOPLESS ! ♪

THANK YOU.

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