Monday, July 27, 2015

  • 07/27/2015

Jamie Lee, Jordan Carlos and Jesse Joyce imagine the opening ceremony for the Boston Olympics, #RuinAWestern film title and honor a regrettably named baseball legend.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> FOR FOLKS IN BOSTON, YOU

BETTER DROP WHAT YOU AREDOING BECAUSE WE GOT NEWS

FOR YOU, YOU [BLEEP] GUY.

THIS AFTERNOON THE U.S.

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE OFFICIALLYKILLED BOSTON'S BID TO HOST

THE 2024 SUMMER GAMES.

[BLEEP](LAUGHTER)

WE WON'T GET TO SEE THEWORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETES

COMPETE IN SUCH SPECIALIZEDBOSTON EVENTS LIKE RALPHING AT

FENWAY, LIKING THEM APPLES,AND RACISM. WHAT A SHAME.

I'M SURE THOSE CHOWDA FANS HADBIG PLANS FOR WOWWING US, AND

SHOW THE WORLD WHAT THEYCOULD DO BESIDES YELLING

"YANKEES SUCK."

TELL US WHAT WE'RE MISSINGAND DESCRIBE WHAT

THE OPENING CEREMONY WOULD HAVEBEEN.

>> THEY ARE GOING TO SIT INTUNNEL TRAFFIC UNTIL THEY'RE

LATE FOR A DUI ARRAIGNMENT.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

>> JORDAN.

>> WE'RE GOING TO TAKE ALLTHE ATHLETES ON A TOUR OF

THE KEG RIGHT HERE, RIGHTHERE.

>> THIS PART GARBAGE, IT'SGARBAGE.

THESE ARE WHERE ALL THE GAYS AREBUT IT'S NICE.

>> SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERSDANCING IN A POOL OF LOBSTER

BISQUE.

>> I WOULD WATCH THAT,ACTUALLY.

>> OH, I BET.

>> THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

>> IT WOULD BE SO HOTTHOUGH.

>> AMAZON.COM POSTED RECORDPROFITS THIS YEAR MAKING IT

MORE VALUABLE THAN WAL-MART.

I'M SURPRISED PEOPLE AREAVOIDING WAL-MART.

IN ADDITION TO GREAT DEALS,YOU ALSO GET AMAZING SCENERY

LIKE THIS.

OH, WAL-MART IS HAVING ASALE ON YOUR MOM'S NEW

BOYFRIEND.>> OH MY GOD.

>>AS SEEN HERE IN A TEASERTRAILER FOR "TRUE DETECTIVE"

SEASON THREE.

>> I MEAN, LISTEN, THERE'S ALOT OF SPECULATION AS TO WHY

AMAZON PULLED AHEAD BUT ONEINTREPID NEWSMAN, JOHN POTTER

OF KTVN IN RENO, HAS A THEORYTHAT HAS GONE VIRAL.

WHAT IS IT?

...AND BUSY IN A BURGER KING

BATHROOM.

FOR ALL YOU GEN-XERS.

>> B, THEY DON'T SELL SEXTOYS IN WAL-MART BECAUSE

THAT GREASY, NAKED, SMOKINGDUDE WILL JERK YOU OFF.

>> WITH HIS WHOLE BODY, WITHHIS ENTIRE BODY.

>> LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

>> YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY SELL SEX TOYS ANDWAL-MART CAN'T OR WON'T SELL

SEX TOYS.

AMAZON DOES.

A FRIEND OF MINE WORKS INTHE WAREHOUSE--

[LAUGHTER]>> THAT FACE THOUGH.

THAT FACE THOUGH.

>> I LOVE HOW-- I LOVE HOWHE'S LIKE BEING COY ABOUT

IT LIKE, "NOW I JUST WANT TO LETYOU KNOW..."

LIKE YOU'RE ON TV.

YOU'RE OUTING YOURINFORMATION TO EVERYBODY.

>> THAT'S THE HULK HOGANPOST-SEX-TAPE-FACE.

>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE#HASHTAGWARS.

THIS WEEK IS WHAT? YOU GUESSEDIT: THE 139th ANNIVERSARY OF

THE DEATH OF WILD BILLHICKOK,

WHO WAS SHOT DEAD IN A POKERGAME IN DEADWOOD, SOUTH

DAKOTA, WHICH WE SAW ON THESHOW, "DEADWOOD."

WILD BILL WAS HOLDING WHATHAS BECOME KNOWN AS THE

DEADMAN'S HAND OR ACES OVEREIGHTS. IT SHOULD ALSO BE NOTED

HE WAS EATING A HAM, EGG ANDCHEESE BREAKFAST SANDWICH

WHICH HAS BECOME KNOWN AS"BRAINS OVER MY-HAMMY," SO IN

LOVING MEMORY OF-- YOUDIDN'T KNOW HIM.

>> TOO SOON?

>> NOT WILD BILL!

>> SO IN LOVERING MEMORY OFWILD BILL, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #RUINAWESTERN. EXAMPLESMIGHT BE "THE GOOD, THE BAD

AND THE FUGLY,"

"3:10 TO ZIMA" OR "FISTINGFOR DOLLARS."

>> I'M GOING TO PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND

BEGIN.

>> JESSE JOYCE.

>> THE CHARACTERASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES

BY THE EX-WIFE SANDRABULLOCK.

>> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHATYOU ARE "OOO"ING AT. SHUT UP.

>> IT'S INSANE THAT YOU "OOO"EDTHAT.

>> THE MAGNIFICENT 7 INCHES.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> THAT IS WHAT I KEEPTRYING TO CONVINCE MY

GIRLFRIEND.

IT'S MAGNIFICENT.

IT COULD BE MORE BUT WHY?

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVETHE CHEESECAKE FACTORY OF

DICKS, RIGHT?

COME ON.

TOO MUCH!

JESSE JOYCE.

>> COWBOYS AND ALIENS ANDBATH AND BEYOND.

>> POINTS.

>> JESSE AGAIN.

>> THE EXPERIMENTATION WITHCRACK COCAINE OF THE

MAYOR ROBERT FORD.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> JAMIE.

>> JEW GRIT.

>> POINTS.

>> 9/11 TO YEMEN.

>> POINTS.

>> JORDAN.

>> YOUNG NUNS.

>> POINTS.

>> THE TOTAL HORSE-FACEWHISPERER.

>> YES. JESSE.

>> THE PUSSYCAT JOSIEWALES.

>> A MILLION WAYS TO DIE INTHE WEST. IT'S JUST NOT A GOOD

MOVIE.

>> OKAY, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY TRLSD.

AMERICA'S FALLING BEHINDOTHER COUNTRIES IN A LOT OF

IMPORTANT CATEGORIES, BUTPERHAPS MOST DISTURBING IS

THE GROWING BAT[BLEEP] CRAZYMUSIC VIDEO GAP.

THE VIDEOS ON THE TOP OFTHE CHARTS AROUND THE GLOBE

WOULD MAKE DAVID LYNCH FEELUNCOMFORTABLE.

NOT LIKE FREAKING OUT BUTMAYBE SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

SO COMEDIANS, I WILL PLAY A CLIPOF A WEIRD FOREIGN MUSIC VIDEO

AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU EACHARE GOING TO HAVE TO ANSWER

A DIFFERENT QUESTION ABOUTIT, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST UP, THIS CHINESENIGHTMARE.

>> THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

>> JAMIE, LET'S START WITHYOU.

WHAT IS A LYRIC FROM THISSONG?

>> SEE, COMMUNISM ISN'T SOBAD.

I MEAN WE HAVE FUN.

WE'RE HAVING FUN.

>> POINTS.

>> SO MUCH FUN.

>> JESSE.

>> ♪ CHAIRMAN MAO, MAO, MAO.CHAIRMAN MAO, MAO, MAO ♪.

>> POINTS.

>> POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> OH YEAH.

>> GOD, NO.

>> NO.

>> NO.

THAT'S MY JAM.

>> HOW WAS THIS RUSSIAN BOYBAND ASSEMBLED, JESSE?

>> THEY'RE THE ONLYSURVIVORS OF A SOVIET FETAL

ALCOHOL STUDY.

(APPLAUSE)>> POINTS.

JAMIE LEE.

>> THEY WERE FOUND IN ADUMPSTER BEHIND A RUSSIAN

SUPERCUTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)720p, THEY SHOULD DROP THAT DOWN

A BIT.>> CAN WE SEE THAT IN HD?

>> I THINK STANDARD DEF ISFINE.

>> THIS LOOKS LIKE UBERDRIVER-CON.

>> 100 POINTS TO JESSEJOYCE. NEXT ONE.

>> FROM THE LAND OFJEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, THIS

BELGIAN DUO.

BELGIAN DUO.

>> I GUESS, WHAT IS THE NAMEOF THE ALBUM THIS SONG IS

FROM?

>> SAY YES TO THE ABORTION.

>> POINTS. JORDAN?

>> SONGS KIDS LOVE TO HEAR STOP,PART NINE.

>> YES.

>> NOW THAT'S WHAT I DON'TCALL MUSIC, VOLUME 14.

>> YES.

>> JESSE.

>> I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT'STHE BELGIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM.

>> BUT IT IS FROM THE ALBUMSATURDAY NIGHT FEVER,

DIARRHEA TILL WEDNESDAY.

>> POINTS.

>> WHAT A GREAT ALBUM.

>> SO GOOD.

>> SO MUCH DIARRHEA.

>> MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITETRACK IS MEAT BANGS.

>> YEAH, MEAT BANGS.

>> SO GOOD.

>> GREAT EP.

>> YEAH.

>> OH MY GOD, I WISH THATCHICK WOULD TRIM HER MEAT

BANGS.

>> DOES THE CARPET MATCH THEMEAT BANGS?

>> HOW ABOUT THIS SWEDISHENTRY?

>> HOW ABOUT THIS SWEDISHENTRY?

>> I GIVE YOU THE KEY TO MY FOILFACTORY FOR ONE NIGHT AND THIS

IS WHAT YOU DO?

WHO WOULD SHE THANK IN HERGRAMMY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH?

>> FIRST AND FOREMOST, BJORK'SVAGINA.

>> JESSE.

>> I THINK SHE'S GOING TOTHANK WHICHEVER UNCLE

MOLESTED HER WITH A BAKEDPOTATO.

>> LAST ONE, THIS K-POPEXPLOSION.

>> WHAT IS THE NAME OF THEIRFAN CLUB, JESSE?

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITHTHEIR FAN CLUB IS CALLED THE

"FEDERAL BUREAU OFINVESTIGATION."

SOMETHING NOT OKAY.

THAT'S NOT OKAY.

>> JAMIE?

>> IT'S CALLED PUSSY QUIET.

>> YES!

THAT SAY REALLY GOOD NAMEFOR A BAND.

>> YES.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWEDYOU A PLAQUE OF THIS BASEBALL

HALL-OF-FAMER WHO HASCONTRIBUTED SO MUCH TO BASEBALL

AND WHO IS ALSO NAMED"CUM."

I ASKED YOU TO GIVE US SOMEPLAY-BY-PLAY COMMENTARY FOR

THIS UNFORTUNATELY NAMEDLEGEND.

LET'S HEAR WHAT YOU GOT,JAMIE, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> JORDAN CARLOS.

JORDAN CARLOS, JORDAN CARLOS.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNAMAKE IT OLD-TIMEY.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNAMAKE IT OLD-TIMEY.

AND HE CAN AND HE CAN ANDIT'S BABY BATTER.

>> AND HE CAN AND IT'S BABYBATTER.

>> JESSE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

I'M GETTING TOO (ADJECTIVE)FOR THIS (NOUN).

YOU KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE I'MGETTING OLDER MYSELF BECAUSE

WE ALL ARE, 'CAUSE TIME MOVES INONE DIRECTION, AND WE CAN'T

STOP IT, AND OUR DEATH ISHANGING OUT THERE IN THE

BALANCE SOMEWHERE EVER WAITINGTO POUNCE ON US SOME DAY WHEN

WE LEAST EXPECT IT, BUT WETOTALLY BLANKED ON AN

IMPORTANT ANNIVERSARY LASTWEEK.

WE FORGOT TO WISH ACTORDANNY GLOVER A HAPPY 69th

BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY 69th BIRTHDAY.

HE'S FINALLY TOO OLD FORTHIS [BLEEP].

AND I GUESS I'M TOO OLD FORTHIS [BLEEP] TOO BECAUSE I

FORGOT ABOUT IT SO IN HONOR OFDANNY GLOVER

AND THAT ICONIC LAMENTATION, IWOULD LIKE YOU TO

TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE GETTINGTOO SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

JESSE.

>> I'M GETTING TOO RACISTFOR THIS WRESTLING

FEDERATION.

>> POINTS.

>> JAMIE.

>> I'M GETTING TOO HORNY FORTHIS FUNERAL.

>> POINTS.

>> JORDAN.

>> I'M GETTING TOO ARBY'SROAST BEEF SANDWICHES FOR

THE PRICE OF ONE.

>> POINTS.

>> I'M GETTING TOO VIOLENTFOR THIS MARRIAGE TO TINA

TURNER.

>> OH, [BLEEP].

>> JORDAN.

>> I'M GETTING TOO FAST FORTHIS FURIOUS 7.

>> I'M GETTING TOO STUBBORNAND CLOSE TO DEATH TO

COME CLEAN ON THESE RAPEALLEGATIONS.

>> POINTS.

>> JAMIE.

>> I'M GETTING TOO EMOTIONALFOR THIS GANGBANG.

>> POINTS.