Week of 9/17/2012 - Schumer, Peretti, Stevens, Celeste

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 09/18/2012

Amy Schumer, Chelsea Peretti and Brody Stevens ridicule a meatless Indian McDonalds; Jeff takes on flea market patrons; Arianny Celeste gets Rapid Roasted.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

THIS IS IT.

TAKE IT EASY.

COME ON NOW.

IT'S OUR SEASON FINALE.

ALMOST THE BEGINNING OF FALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

THE BIRDS IN MY HAIR ARE

FLYING SOUTH FOR THE WINTER.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S START WITH SOME BIRTHDAY

SHUTOUTS.

HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY TO THE

ROYAL (BLEEP)-UP PRINCE HARRY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT IS THE FIRST TIME THIS

YEAR HE WILL BE WEARING HIS

BIRTHDAY SUIT.

(LAUGHTER)

LANCE ARMSTRONG TURNS 41 THIS

WEEK.

HE WAS GIVEN SEVERAL BIRTHDAY

PRESENTS WHICH WERE PROMPTLY

TAKEN AWAY FROM HIM BY THE

ANTI-DOPING AGENCY.

THANK YOU.

(APPLAUSE)

>> FOR MY NEXT TRICK, I'LL BE

WISHING A HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY

FRIEND DAVID COPPERFIELD.

I THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING HIM A

CAR.

I COULDN'T PICK A CARD, ANY

CARD.

THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE FOR

THE WHOLE SEASON.

THE MICKEY THAT KIDS ARE ALL

OVER THE WORLD ARE AFRAID OF

TURNS 60 THIS WEEK.

HE TREATED HIMSELF TO A

FACE-LIFT LIFT.

AND A HAPPY AND HEALTHY

BURN-DAY TO GOVERNOR CHRIS

CHRISTIE.

HE BLEW OUT THE CANDLES IN HIS

CAKE AND HE

(LAUGHTER)

ANYWAY, I'M A GREAT BELIEVER

IN FREE SPEECH BUT I WOULD PAY

ANYTHING TO SHUT THIS GUY UP.

PHELPS IS FAMOUS FOR SAYING

GOD HATES (BLEEP) WHICH

QUALIFIES HIM TO BE A RAPPER,

MEL GIBSON OR MY UNCLE.

I CAN'T TAKE A GUY SERIOUSLY

WHO LOOKS LIKE A COWBOY

SUPERMAN!

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, FRED, HERE IS A FUN FACT.

ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD IS GAY.

AND YOU HAVE 13 KIDS.

THAT MEANS AT LEAST TWO OF

THEM ENJOY SUCKING YOUR GAY

BABY-MAKING (BLEEP).

TAYLOR SWIFT'S NEW SONG IS

CALLED "WE ARE NEVER GETTING

BACK TOGETHER."

IT IS ABOUT HER FLING WITH

JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

HAVE YOU HEARD IT?

♪ I REMEMBER WHEN WE BROKE UP,

I'VE HAD ENOUGH ♪

♪ WE HADN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN

A MONTH WHEN YOU SAID YOU

NEEDED SPACE ♪

>> SHE SHOULD BREAK UP WITH

HER GUITAR ALREADY.

THAT SONG.

STOP THE WHINING ALREADY.

HEY, TAYLOR, IF A GUY EVER

TREATED YOU RIGHT, YOU

WOULDN'T HAVE A CAREER.

SHE IS DATING ONE OF THE

KENNEDYS NOW.

THE KENNEDY CURSE CAN'T COME

SOON ENOUGH.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M ASSUMING THAT MOST OF YOU

DON'T UNDERSTAND SIGN

LANGUAGE.

BUT CHECK THIS OUT.

THE JEHOVAH WITNESSES PUT THIS

VIDEO OUT TO TELL DEAF PEOPLE

NOT TO MASTURBATE.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS

SAYING.

BUT...

I GET THE JIZ OF IT.

IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN

JEHOVAH'S UNWITNESS THAT?

DO THEY NEED TO MAKE THIS

VIDEO?

EVEN JEHOVAH KNOWS NO ONE

WANTS TO JERK OFF WHEN THERE

IS A BUNCH OF WITNESSES.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS MY FAVORITE JOKE OF

YOU KNOW, IN THIS TOUGH

ECONOMY, PEOPLE ARE EMPTYING

OUT THEIR GARAGES AND SELLING

THEIR JUNK FOR EXTRA MONEY.

I WOULD LOVE TO EMPTY OUT MY

GARAGE BUT MY COUSIN ED IS

SLEEPING IN IT.

GOT FREE WHY PHI.

THIS WEEK I WENT DOWN TO THE

FLEA MARKET TO TALK TO PEOPLE

ABOUT THEIR JUNK.

IN A SEGMENT WE CALL ANTIQUES

ROAD SHOW.

I'M AT THE MELROSE FLEA

MARKET.

EIGHT ACRES OF TRASH HERE.

I'M GOING TO BURN MY WAY

THROUGH IT.

ALL RIGHT.

STEP RIGHT UP.

THE ANTIQUE ROAST SHOW.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

LOOK AT.

THIS NOC.D.'S ANYMORE.

GOING TO LOOK GREAT NEXT TO

YOUR RACE CAR BENCH.

>> DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

>> IT IS GREAT FOR HAVING

PHONE SEX WITH JERRY SANDUSKY.

>> HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FIT

THESE IN THE CAR YOU LIVE IN?

>> WHO TOLD YOU I LIVED IN A

CAR?

>> I GUESSED IT.

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN

GOING DOWNHILL FOR MANY, MANY

YEARS NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH

IT?

>> I'M GOING TO WEAR IT AND

HAVE THE RIGHT WOMAN YANK ON

IT.

>> THAT IS THE ONLY TAIL YOU

ARE EVER GOING TO GET.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

I DIDN'T KNOW THE

OOMPA-LOOMPAS HAD A PUNK ROCK

BAND.

THIS IS A PERFECT REPLACEMENT

FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE

CHILDREN.

GET AN ICE PICK HERE SO HE

DOESN'T HAVE TO HEAR YOU CRY

YOURSELF THE SLEEP EVERY

NIGHT.

ARE YOU A TROMBONE PLAYER?

>> NO.

>> WOW.

IT IS BASICALLY, OBAMA WITH A

HOLE IN HIS HEAD.

>> YEAH.

>> MORE LIKE ABE LINCOLN THAN

EVER BEFORE.

YOU HAVEN'T PUT ANY MONEY IN

THIS THING IN FOUR YEARS.

>> EXACTLY.

>> I LIKE THIS THING.

THE FIRST BILL OBAMA EVER

PASSED.

IF YOU PUT HIS PICTURE IN

THERE, THE FRAME WOULD BREAK.

YOU ARE LIKE TOM CRUISE,

HISING A CHROME SEWN.

... CHROMOSOME.

I PICKED UP A LITTLE SOMETHING

MYSELF.

HEPATITIS C.

LOOK AT THIS THING.

HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

.

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> HOW MUCH FOR THIS NORTH

KOREAN IPAD?

>> NOT FOR SALE.

>> THANKS FOR WATCHING

>> ALL RIGHT.

PLEASE WELCOME TWO TALENTED

COMEDIANS AND THE LIMO DRIVER

THAT BROUGHT THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

BRODIE STEPHENS, AMY SCHUMER,

CHELSEA PERETTI RIGHT HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YOU KNOW, I DO MY OWN

MAKEUP.

I BRING TINTED CLEARASIL AND A

BLACK SHARPY.

(LAUGHTER)

GIVE IT UP FOR BRODIE, THE

19th HIJACKER.

>> WOW.

>> LADIES, HOW THE HECK ARE

YOU?

>> SO HARD HAVING OVARIES.

>> WHY?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T HAVE A FOLLOW-UP.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT.

>> I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT

ANATOMY.

HOW FAR INSIDE A WOMAN ARE HER

OVARIES?

>> YOU WILL NEVER GET THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU ARE SAFE.

YOU ARE SAFE.

>> ONE OF MY OVARIES FELL OUT.

>> WHAT IS THE OVARY UNDERY ON

THAT?

>> OH!

>> HOW IS IT GOING WITH YOU?

>> IT IS COOL.

BRODIE, I LOVE YOU WITH THE

EAGLE IN THE MUPPET SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN PLAY THAT PART.

IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

I'M

>> HEY, I LOVE ART.

BUT IT IS A RECESSION.

IT IS HARD TO JUSTIFY THE $10

MILLION BEING WASTED ON

LEVITATED MASS.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

WE WENT OUT TO ATTACK THE

ROCK.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY GOT IT HERE?

THEY USE THE SAME CREW THAT

GETS ADELE OUT OF HER BATHTUB

IN THE MORNING.

TOOK TEN DAYS AND $10 MILLION

TO GET THIS THING HERE.

340 TONS.

THE ONLY THING BIGGER AND

HEAVIER THAN THIS ROCK ARE THE

ARTIST'S BALLS.

THAT THING IS SO BIG AND ROUND,.

>> WHAT DID YOU THINK IN I WAS

UNDERWHELMED.

>> WHY?

>> I HAVE SEEN A LOT BIGGER

ROCKS.

>> REALLY?

I SEE A BOULDER-HOLDER RIGHT

THERE.

>> (LAUGHTER)

WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THE WORLD

WHO WASTED $10 MILLION ON

THIS?

>> IT IS A BIG ROCK.

>> BIGGER THAN THE ONE WHITNEY

WAS SMOKING WHEN SHE...

>> OH!

>> YOU ARE AN ARTIST?

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> IS THAT TRUE?

>> YOU R YOU MEXICAN?

>> YES.

>> SO YOU ARE A LANDSCAPE

ARTIST.

>> YEAH, EVERYWHEREMENT.

>>.

>> I WOULD GIVE BACK TO THE

COMMUNITY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

STRUGGLING.

THEY NEED FOOD.

PEOPLE ARE GETTING KICKED OUT

OF THEIR HOMES AND STUFF.

>> ARE YOU HERE TO TAG IT?

>> NO, NO.

>> IT IS 40 MILLION YEARS OLD.

BUT THAT IS NOTHING FOR YOU.

RIGHT?

YOU WERE AROUND BACK THEN.

>> THAT THING IS KREE UD BY

WIND AND TIME, MUCH LIKE YOUR

HAIR-STYLE.

HERE IS MY NEW ART

INSTALLATION.

HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

CALLED MONEY TO BURN.

Loading...