Wyatt Cenac: Comedy Person

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 05/14/2011

Wyatt Cenac pokes fun at people who hate television, the absurdity of themed restaurants and the joy of cat videos on YouTube.

THE TEA PARTY,

I DON'T KNOW, LIKE, THERE'S

A PART OF ME THAT FEELS LIKE,

OH, MAYBE WE HAVEN'T MADE

THAT MUCH PROGRESS.

LIKE, EVERYBODY ALWAYS TALKS

ABOUT ALL THIS PROGRESS WE MADE,

IT'S LIKE, MAYBE WE HAVEN'T,

'CAUSE STUFF LIKE THIS

STILL EXISTS.

WE'VE DEFINITELY MADE STRIDES.

WE'VE MADE STRIDES,

LIKE, WHEN A BLACK MAN CAN BE

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

AND TWO WHITE MEN

CAN'T MARRY EACH OTHER.

'CAUSE, LIKE,

MY UNCLE PETE SAID

THE WHITE MAN COULD DO

WHATEVER HE WANTED,

SO I ASSUMED TWO

WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE.

IT'S ALWAYS STRANGE

WHEN YOU TALK TO PEOPLE

WHO ARE AGAINST

GAY MARRIAGE,

AND THEY SAY, "WELL, IF YOU

LET GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED,

WHAT'S TO STOP SOMEONE

FROM MARRYING A HORSE?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--

THE HORSE.

YOU THINK HORSES WANT

TO MARRY PEOPLE?

NO, HORSES ARE SLUTS.

MNH-MNH.

YOU CAN'T TURN A HORSE

INTO A HORSE-WIFE.

EVERY PIMP KNOWS THAT.

THAT'S WHY THEY KEEP STABLES.

UH!

>> I WANT TO GO

TO A TEA PARTY RALLY.

I DO, I REALLY WANT TO GO

TO A TEA PARTY RALLY.

FOR THE OBVIOUS REASONS, THAT

I'D CLEAN UP WITH THE LADIES.

BUT I SEE THEM ALL THE TIME

ON TELEVISION,

AND THEY ARE ANGRY.

LIKE, THOSE ARE SOME ANGRY,

ANGRY OLD PEOPLE.

THEY ARE.

I HAVE NOT SEEN

OLD PEOPLE THAT ANGRY

SINCE THE END OF COCOON.

THEY'RE SO MAD.

YOU WATCH, LIKE, THE COVERAGE,

AND YOU SEE THEM, AND THEY'RE

CALLING THE PRESIDENT

A SOCIALIST,

AND THEY'RE CALLING HIM A NAZI,

AND SOME EVEN HAVE POSTERS

WHERE THEY'VE TAKEN

A PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT,

AND DRAWN A LITTLE

HITLER MOUSTACHE ON HIM.

AND WHENEVER I SEE THAT,

I JUST WANT TO GO THERE

WITH A SHARPIE, AND JUST

DRAW THAT OUT INTO, LIKE,

A FULL MOUSTACHE, AND GIVE

HIM A BEARD AND A MOHAWK,

AND WHEN THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

I'LL BE LIKE, "NOW IT'S

A MR. T. PARTY RALLY!"

YEAH.

"I PITY THE FOOL WHO DOESN'T

HAVE HEALTH CARE."

I DO.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THAT'S A THIRD-WORLD PROBLEM.

WE'RE A FIRST-WORLD COUNTRY.

WHAT THE [bleep]?

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.

YOUR APPLAUSE JUST

GAVE EVERYBODY HEALTH CARE.

BUT IT'S SO CRAZY,

'CAUSE, LIKE,

THERE'S NO REASON TO GO

AND PUT A HITLER MOUSTACHE

ON A PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT.

THERE'S NO REASON TO DO THAT.

LIKE, THE ONLY REASON TO DO THAT

IS IF YOU'RE TRYING

TO PISS OFF NAZIS,

'CAUSE I'M SURE THERE IS NOTHING

THAT PISSES NAZIS OFF MORE

THAN SEEING THEIR BELOVED

LEADER'S SIGNATURE LOOK

ON A BIRACIAL GUY.

[German accent]

"WHAT? NO!

THAT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE

OF WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT!"

I ASSUME NAZIS

JUST GESTURE LIKE THIS.

THEY'RE JUST HATEFUL PENGUINS.

[German accent]

"IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE ON OBAMA!

AND IT DEFINITELY DOESN'T

MAKE SENSE ON MICHAEL JORDAN!"

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO RECENTLYTURNED 30 YEARS OLD.

HE HAD OTHER OPTIONS.

THAT'S WHAT HE WENT WITH.

BUT FOR HIS 30TH BIRTHDAY,HE WANTED TO CELEBRATE.

HE WANTED TO DO SOMETHING BIG,SO WE WERE LIKE,

"OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

YOU WANT TO GO SKYDIVING?

YOU WANT TO GO TO A STRIP CLUB?

YOU WANT TO GET A BIG STEAKDINNER?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

HE WAS LIKE, "I WANT TO GOTO MEDIEVAL TIMES!"

[cheers and applause]WHICH AT FIRST, I THOUGHT

THAT MEANT HE WANTED TO MAKEA TIME MACHINE,

WHICH THAT I WAS ACTUALLYCOOL WITH, 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE,

"OH, THAT'S GREAT,"LIKE, WE'LL HANG OUT, BOND,

AS WE TRY TO FIGURE OUTHOW TO MAKE A FLUX CAPACITOR.

AND, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,WE'D GO BACK IN TIME,

BET ON SUPER BOWLSAND WARN RITCHIE VALENS

NOT TO GET ON THAT AIRPLANE,YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN SAVE WHO YOU WANT.

I'M GONNA SAVE...

[cheers and applause]THAT'S NOT WHAT

MY FRIEND WANTED TO DO.

HE WANTED TO GOTO MEDIEVAL TIMES,

THE DINNER AND A SHOW PLACE.

WHICH, I DON'T KNOW IFANY OF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN THERE.

[cheering]NO!

NO!

DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE!

DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM.

THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

THESE PEOPLE ARE NOTYOUR FRIENDS.

IF SOMEONE INVITES YOUTO MEDIEVAL TIMES,

THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.

THEY DO NOT HAVE YOURBEST INTERESTS AT HEART.

YOU NEED TO THROW NICKELSIN THEIR FACE

AND CUT YOUR LOSSES,WHICH ARE REALLY

JUST THE NICKELS YOU THREW.

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