Wednesday, March 5, 2014

  • 03/05/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, Maria Bamford and Paul Scheer create bad science fiction movie titles, help sell DIY products and explore the depths of Vin Diesel's Facebook page.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )HOLD ON TO YOUR AUTOBUTS AND

( BLEEP ).

THE FIRST TRAILER FOR THE NEW"TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF

EXTINCTION," DROPPED TODAY ANDWE GOT DINOBOTS IN THE HOUSE!

AND SINCE THIS IS A MICHAEL BAYJOINT, THE ACTION COMES AS

FURIOUSLY AS THE CLUNKYDIALOGUE.

AND THIS ONE HAS MARK WAHLBERGIN IT, YOU GUYS!

I'M SO EXCITED.

I LIKE MARK WAHLBERG.

( APPLAUSE )MARK WAHLBERG PUTS THE BRO IN

HASBRO.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS ANACTUAL LINE FROM MARK WAHLBERG'S

CHARACTER, WHICH, BY THE WAY,IS-- HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS

CADE YEAGER.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T SAY THATRIGHT, HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS

CADE YEAGER.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS ANACTUALLY CADE YEAGER LINE FROM

THE TRAILER?

B-- "I CAN BREAK IT DOWN.

STRIP IT FOR PARTS.

THIS STUFF IS WHAT'S GONNA PUTYOU THROUGH COLLEGE."

B-- "COME ON, YOU OLD WRECK.

JUDGMENT DAY."

C-- "I THINK WE JUST FOUND ATRANSFORMER."

PAUL F. THOMPKINS.

>> I AM SAD TO SAY I KNOW THEANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

IT IS ALL THREE.

>> YES, IT IS ALL THREE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD BE-- I

DIDN'T KNOW THEY CALLED THEMTRANSFORMERS IN THAT UNIVERSE.

>> THESE ARE THREE CLASSIC CADEYEAGERISMS.

>> HERE IS VIDEO PROOF OFEVERYTHING WE JUST SAID.

>> I CAN BREAK IT DOWN STRIPTHIS PART.

THIS STUFF IS WHAT'S GOING TOPUT YOU THROUGH COLLEGE.

COME ON, JUDGMENT DAY.

>> I THINK WE JUST FOUND ATRANSFORMER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> I CAN'T BE 100% POSITIVE.

A SECOND AGO IT WAS A TRUCK.

NOW IT'S A ROBOT.

I THINK WE FOUND OURSELVES ATRANSFORMER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK MARKWAHLBERG'S FAVORITE CATCH PHRASE

WILL BE?

>> I LIKE THE WAY THAT COFFEEMAKER IS LOOKING AT ME.

>> 100 POINTS.

MARIA BAMFORD?

>> WE THOUGHT THE AUTO INDUSTRYWAS DEAD.

BUT IT'S BEEN TRANSFORMED.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> POINTS, POINTS.

MARIA BAMFORD.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ROBOTS?

MORE LIKE WO-BOT.

>> YES, 100 POINTS.

AND NOW, IT PAINS ME TO SAY WEHAVE TO MOVE ON FROM

TRANSFORMERS.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

THE MOVIE IS NOT OUT YET SO I'MSURE WE'LL BE ABLE TO HIT THAT

WAY, WAY, MORE.

>> WHEN YOUR NAME IS BUFFBAGWELL, YOU CAN ONLY HAVE TWO

JOBS-- WRESTLER OR GIGOLO.

SO IT'S NO SURPRISE THE FORMERWRESTLER, BUFF BAGWELL, ENTERED

THE MALE PROSTITUTION RIPPINGLAST NIGHT ON SHOWTIME'S

DOCUMENTARY SERIES "GIGOLOS."

HERE'S A YOUTUBE CLIP.

>> I LOVE WOMEN TO DEATH AND IALWAYS HAVE.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEENA CHANCE TO STAY AWAY FROM WREST

LING, AND I'M ALL OVER IT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> Reporter: IF YOU ALWAYSWANTED TO PUT STEROIDS IN YOU

BUT WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE SIDEEFFECTS, THIS IS A GREAT

ALTERNATIVE SOLUTION.

I AM A FAP OF THE SHOW"GIGOLOS," AND I THINK HIS

APPEARANCE ACTUALLY BRINGS ITDOWN.

>> BY THE WAY A TWO-HOURAPPOINTMENT IS 800 BUCKS OR YOU

CAN SPEND A ROMANTIC WEEK WITHTHE STUFF FOR 25 GRAND.

>> GRAND?

IS THAT NET OR GROSS?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S GROSS.

THANK YOU.

THAI, PAUL F. THOMPKINS.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF HISFINISHING MOVE?

PAUL F. THOMPKINS.

>> THE LATERAL CAREER SLIDE?

>> 100 POINTS TO PAUL F.

THOMPKINS.

( APPLAUSE )MARIA BAMFORD?

>> WELL, THE ( BLEEP ) BOTTOM ORWHAT IA CALL, CHECK, PLEASE.

>> POINTS, POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> IT WAS ACTUALLY A TWO-PARTMOVE.

IT WAS A TAINT SLAM INTO A LABIASMASH.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

AS YOU SAW EARLIER,"TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF

EXTINCTION" IS PLOAG UP ON THEYOUTUBE.

TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #BADSCIFI.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MISSEDCONNECTIONS OF THE THIRD KIND,

STAR SHRECK, PLAYED WALKER.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

MARIA BAMFORD.

>> LEVITY, WITH KEVIN HEART.

>> PAUL F. THOMPKINS.

>> CAVITY.

>> POINTS, YEAH.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ""STAR TREK" 2, THE WRATH OFCHAKA KHAN."

>> TRON-TO, ONTARIO.

>> IT ONLY TAKES PLACE INTORONTO.

MARIA BAMFORD.

>> TYLER PERRY'S BIG MOMMA'SPLUTO.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

PAUL SCHEER.

>> MEN IN KHAKI.

>> YES, POINTS.

PAUL.

>> PLANET OF SOME DRAPES.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> "STAR WARS, EPISODE ONE, THEPHANTOM MENACE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> THE CROWD SUPPORTS IT.

"THAT'S FIXED UP."

I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER'S"THEREIFIXEDIT" BLOG IS AN

INTERNET COMPENDIUM OF HOMEMADEREPAIRS THAT CHILL THE BLOOD.

( LAUGHTER )IT'S A GEAR SHIFT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA FIXIT, AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE

ME A TAGLINE TO HELP SELL THENEW PRODUCT TO PRODUCE RESULTS.

IF YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BUY IT,YOU GET POINTS.

THIS CAR/TRUCK COMBO.

>> HEY!

OF COURSE YOU'VE DRIVEN A CARINTO A HOUSE BEFORE.

NOW TRY DRIVING A HOUSE INTO ACAR.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR THAT.

ANYONE ELSE?

PAUL.

>> HOW ABOUT BREAKING SAD?

>> BREAKING SAD!

POINTS FOR BREAKING SAD.

I'M SORRY.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A GREAT DANETRYING TO ( BLEEP ) A CHIHUAHUA.

HOW ABOUT THIS RECLINER/TRICYCLECOMBO?

PAUL SCHEER?

>> THAT IS GAME OF THRONES DYI.

>> THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE ALLFIGHTING OVER, JUST THAT RIGHT

THERE.

>> I MUST GET TO THAT TRICYCLE.

>> POINTS TOED WITH SHEER.

>> DO YOU LEAD A TEAM OF SUPPERPOWER MUTANTS BUT YOUR LEGS DO

WORK?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS TO PAUL F. THOMPKINS.

MARIA, DID YOU WANT TO-->> IT'S THE ONLY RETIREMENT PLAN

THAT AMERICANS CAN AFFORD.

YEAH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

"VINSANITY."

ARE WE READY?

DO WE LOOK OKAY.

VIN DIESEL IS POPULAR ONFACEBOOK TO RIDDICKULOUS

SHUT UP!

IT'S MY SHOW.

I CAN MAKE A BAD MOVIE PUN IF IWANT.

PEOPLE REALLY WENT FLEW AJOURNEY WITH THAT.

HE HAS 67 MILLION LIKES ON HISPAGE.

HE CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

LOOK AT HIS FACE.

67 MILLION?

REAL, GUYS?

( APPLAUSE )I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU TWO

PHOTOS.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH ONE ISFROM THE OFFICIAL VIN DIESEL

FACEBOOK, AND WHICH IS NOT.

PERFORMING CONCERT PIANO ON WHATLOOKS LIKE THE SET OF JEOPARDY

OR EATING A BOWL OF LO MEINCAPTIONED DINS DIN FOR VIN VIN?

>>DIN DIN FOR VIN VIN.>> IT'S THE FIRST ONE.

>> WHERE IS HE PLAYING?

>> IT'S A NORDSTROM FORCHRISTMAS.

>> PURE CLASS, NO TIP JAR.

>> NO TIP JAR, NO THANKS, I'MGOOD.

NEXT ONE-- LAYING IN A HAMMOCKIN JAY LENO-ESQUE DENIM SHIRT,

OR WAY TOO SPREAD-CROTCHEDON THE HOOD OF A GOLD FERRARI.

HAMMOCK, JAY LENO, DENIM ON TOP,DENIM ON BOTTOM.

>> HAT IS JUST FOR SHOW.

IT DOESN'T FIT ON MY HEAD.

>> 1.6 MILLION LIKES JUSTHANGING OUT NAY HAMMOCK.

>> WHAT IS HE LAUGHING ABOUT?

LINKED OUT.

LINKEDIN IS A SITE WHERE PEOPLECAN CONNECT THROUGH THEIR JOBS.

SUPPOSEDLY.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO RING INWITH AS MANY UNIQUE JOB TITLES

AS YOU CAN MUSTER.

>> ELVISH TRANSLATOR.

>> ANDREW DICE CATERER.

>> WHAT DOES THAT PERSON DO?

>> CATERS TO INTERNET CLAY.

>> POINTS.

>> BUTT HOLE CERTIFIER.

>> YEAH, THAT'S A BUTT HOLE.

>> HAVE TO MAKE SURE.>>CADAVER STYLIST.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO BEREMEMBERED FOR THAT SCAR.

>> CADAVER.

>> THE CROWD'S A LITTLE SOFT ONTHAT ONE.

YOUR ( BLEEP ) FAULT, PEOPLE!

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORESUPPORTIVE.

>> PROLIFE PUBLICIST?

>> POINT!

MARIA BAMFORD.

>> OKAY, YEAH, BEST FRIENDFINDER.

>> OOOOH!

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