Wednesday, March 5, 2014

  • 03/05/2014

Paul F. Tompkins, Maria Bamford and Paul Scheer create bad science fiction movie titles, help sell DIY products and explore the depths of Vin Diesel's Facebook page.

SHOW.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

HOLD ON TO YOUR AUTOBUTTS AND

DECEPTI (BLEEP).

THE FIRST TRAILER FOR THE NEW

TRANSFORMER: AGE OF EXTINCTION

DROPPED TODAY, AND WE GOT

DINOBOTS IN THE HOUSE!

SINCE THIS IS A MICHAEL BAY

JOINT, THE ACTION COMES AS

FURIOUSLY AS THE CLUNKY

DIALOGUE.

SO... AND THIS ONE'S GOT MARK

WAHLBERG IN IT, YOU GUYS!

I'M SO EXCITED.

I LIKE MARK WAHLBERG.

MARK WAHLBERG PUTS THE "BRO" IN

"HASBRO."

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS AN

ACTUAL LINE FROM MARK WAHLBERG'S

CHARACTER, WHICH, BY THE WAY,

IS... HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS

CADE YEAGER.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T SAY THAT

RIGHT.

HIS CHARACTER'S NAME IS CADE

YEAGER!

SO WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS AN

ACTUALLY CADE YEAGER LINE FROM

THE TRAILER?

I CAN'T HELP IT.

CADE YEAGER HAS BECOME SELF

AWARE.

ALL RIGHT, IS IT:

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> I AM SAD TO SAY THAT I KNOW

THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

IT IS ALL THREE.

>> Chris: YES, IT IS ALL THREE!

ALL THREE OF THOSE WERE

DIFFERENT LINES!

>> TRICK QUESTION.

>> Chris: ALL THREE OF THOSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD BE

THAT... I DIDN'T KNOW THEY

CALLED THEM TRANSFORMERS IN THAT

UNIVERSE.

>> I MEAn, THESE ARE THREE

CLASSIC CADE YEAGERISMS.

>> Chris: YES, HERE IS VIDEO

PROOF OF EVERYTHING WE JUST

SAID.

>> I CAN BREAK IT DOWN, STRIP IT

FOR PARTS.

THIS STUFF IS WHAT'S GOING TO

PUT YOU THROUGH COLLEGE.

COME ON, NUMERIC, JUDGMENT DAY.

I THINK WE JUST FOUND A

TRANSFORMER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> YES, YES, YES.

>> Chris: NOW, I CAN'T BE 100%

POSITIVE.

A SECOND AGO THIS WAS A TRUCK.

NOW IT'S A ROBOT.

I THINK WE JUST FOUND OURSELVES

A TRANSFORMER.

SO BASED ON THESE GEMS, WHAT DO

YOU THINK MARK WAHLBERG'S FAMOUS

TRANSFORMERS CATCHPHRASE WILL

BE, PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> "I DON'T LIKE THE WAY THAT

COFFEE MAKER'S LOOKING AT ME."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: 100 POINTS.

MARIA BAMFORD?

>> "WE THOUGHT THE AUTO INDUSTRY

WAS DEAD.

BUT IT'S BEEN TRANSFORMED."

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS!

MARIA BAMFORD.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> "ROBOTS?

MORE LIKE "WHOA, BOTS."

>> Chris: YEAH, THROWING SOME

KEANU REEVES IN THERE.

100 POINTS.

AND NOW, IT PAINS ME TO SAY THAT

WE HAVE TO MOVE ON FROM

TRANSFORMERS.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

THE MOVIE'S NOT OUT YET, SO I'M

SURE WE'LL BE ABLE TO HIT THAT

WAY, WAY, WAY MORE BEFORE IT

COMES UP.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

WHEN YOUR NAME IS BUFF BAGWELL--

ANOTHER GREAT NAME-- YOU CAN

ONLY HAVE TWO JOBS, WRESTLER OR

GIGOLO.

SO IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT FORMER

WRESTLER BUFF BAGWELL ENTERED

THE MALE PROSTITUTION RING LAST

NIGHT ON SHOWTIME'S

DOCUMENTARY SERIES GIGOLOS.

HERE IS A YOUTUBE CLIP.

>> I LOVE WOMEN TO DEATH AND I

ALWAYS HAVE.

AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE

SEEN A CHANCE TO SEGUE FROM

WRESTLING, AND I'M ALL OVER IT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

>> Chris: IF YOU'VE ALWAYS

WANTED TO PUT STEROIDS IN YOU,

BUT WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE SIDE

EFFECTS, THIS IS A GREAT

ALTERNATIVE SOLUTION.

>> I AM A FAN OF THE SHOW

GIGOLOS, AND I THINK HIS

APPEARANCE ACTUALLY BRINGS IT

DOWN.

>> Chris: BY THE WAY A TWO-HOUR

APPOINTMENT IS 800 BUCKS, OR YOU

CAN SPEND AN ENTIRE ROMANTIC

WEEK WITH THE STUFF FOR 25

GRAND.

>> GRAND?

IS THAT NET OR GROSS?

>> Chris: I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S

GROSS.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, PAUL F. TOMPKINS,

THANK YOU.

NOW THAT BUFF BAGWELL IS A

PROFESSIONAL GIGOLO, WHAT IS THE

NAME OF HIS FINISHING MOVE?

PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> THE LATERAL CAREER SLIDE.

>> CHRIS: 100 POINTS TO PAUL F.

TOMPKINS.

(APPLAUSE)

MARIA BAMFORD?

>> WELL, THE (BLEEP) BOTTOM, OR

WHAT I CALL, "CHECK, PLEASE."

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> IT WAS ACTUALLY A TWO-PART

MOVE.

IT WAS A TAINT SLAM INTO A LABIA

SMASH.

(LAUGHTER)

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS.

GUYS, AS YOU SAW EARLIER, CADE

YEAGER FOUND HIMSELF MAYBE A

TRANSFORMER, POSSIBLY.

AND TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF

EXTINCTION IS BLOWING UP ON THE

YOUTUBE.

SO TO CELEBRATE, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #BADSCIFI, #BADSCIFI.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MISSED

CONNECTIONS OF THE THIRD KIND,

OR BLADE WALKER, OR STAR SHREK.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

MARIA BAMFORD?

>> LEVITY WITH KEVIN HART.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

PAUL F. TOMPKINS.

>> CAVITY.

>> Chris: POINTS, YEAH, POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> STAR TREK 2, THE WRATH OF

CHAKA KHAN.

>> Chris: POINTS!

CHAKA KHAN!

PAUL F?

>> TRON-TO, ONTARIO.

>> Chris: IT ONLY TAKES PLACE IN

TORONTO.

YEAH, YEAH, POINTS, POINTS.

MARIA BAMFORD?

>> TYLER PERRY'S BIG MOMMA'S

PLUTO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO EARNEST.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> MEN IN KHAKI.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

PAUL?

>> PLANET OF SOME DRAPES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> STAR WARS, EPISODE ONE, THE

PHANTOM MENACE.

>> Chris: OH, YOU JUST FLAT

OUT... WELL...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S FIXED UP.

ALL RIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER'S THERE I

FIXED IT BLOG IS AN INTERNET

COMPENDIUM OF HOMEMADE REPAIRS

THAT CHILL THE BLOOD.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> Chris: IT'S A GEARSHIFT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

A FIX IT, AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE

ME A TAGLINE TO HELP SELL THE

NEW PRODUCT TO PRODUCE RESULTS,

ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BUY IT, I

WILL GIVE YOU POINTS.

LET'S BEGIN.

THIS CAR/TRUCK COMBO.

THIS OLD CAR.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, PAUL?

>> HEY!

OF COURSE YOU'VE DRIVEN A CAR

INTO A HOUSE BEFORE.

NOW TRY DRIVING A HOUSE INTO A

CAR.

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

ANYONE ELSE?

ANYONE ELSE?

YEAH, PAUL?

>> HOW ABOUT BREAKING SAD?

>> Chris: BREAKING SAD!

POINTS FOR BREAKING SAD.

I'M SORRY.

THAT LOOKS LIKE A GREAT DANE

TRYING TO (BLEEP) A CHIHUAHUA.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS RECLINER/TRICYCLE

COMBO?

RECLINER/TRIKE.

PAUL SCHEER?

>> THAT IS GAME OF THRONES DIY.

>> Chris: THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE

ALL FIGHTING OVER, JUST THAT

RIGHT THERE.

>> I MUST GET TO THAT TRICYCLE.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS TO PAUL

SCHEER.

>> DO YOU LEAD A TEAM OF

SUPERPOWERED MUTANTS, BUT YOUR

LEGS DO WORK?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO PAUL F.

TOMPKINS.

MARIA, DID YOU WANT TO...

>> IT'S THE ONLY RETIREMENT PLAN

THAT AMERICANS CAN AFFORD.

>> Chris: OH!

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

GET READY.

ARE WE READY?

DO WE LOOK OKAY?

VIN DIESEL IS VERY POPULAR

ON FACEBOOK TO "RIDDICK"-ULOUS

LEVELS.

SHUT UP!

IT'S MY SHOW.

I CAN MAKE A BAD MOVIE PUN IF I

WANT.

>> PEOPLE REALLY WENT THROUGH A

JOURNEY WITH THAT.

HE HAS 67 MILLION LIKES ON HIS

PAGE.

HE CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

LOOK AT HIS FACE.

67 MILLION?

REALLY, GUYS?

SO I'M GOING TO DESCRIBE TWO

PHOTOS.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH ONE IS

FROM VIN DIESEL'S OFFICIAL

FACEBOOK, AND THE OTHER ONE'S

NOT.

SO FIRST, IS IT VIN DIESEL:

PAUL?

>> "DIN-DIN FOR VIN-VIN."

>> Chris: THAT IS AN IRON GIANT

OF A FAILURE.

IT'S ACTUALLY THE FIRST ONE.

>> WHAT?

>> Chris: YEAH.

"HERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN

PLAYING AROUND WITH."

>> WHERE IS HE PLAYING?

IS THAT A BANK?

>> Chris: IT'S A NORDSTROMS FOR

CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

>> "IN BETWEEN RIDDICK PREQUELS

I PLAY AT BANK OF AMERICA 12:00

TO 2:00 EVERY DAY."

(LAUGHTER)

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

>> Chris: ♪ ISN'T IT ROMANTIC?

>> PURE CLASS, NO TIP JAR.

>> Chris: NO TIP JAR, YEAH.

"NO THANKS, I'M GOOD."

NEXT ONE:

PAUL SCHEER?

>> HAMMOCK, JAY LENO.

DENIM ON TOP, DENIM ON BOTTOM!

>> Chris: BOOM!

CHECK IT OUT, YEAH.

JUST HANGING OUT.

>> "HEY, THE HAT'S JUST FOR

SHOW.

IT DOESN'T FIT ON MY HEAD."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: 1.6 MILLION LIKES JUST

HANGING OUT IN A HAMMOCK.

>> WHAT IS HE LAUGHING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

LINKEDIN IS A SITE WHERE PEOPLE

CAN CONNECT THROUGH THEIR JOBS,

SUPPOSEDLY.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU GUYS

TO RING IN WITH AS MANY UNIQUE

JOB TITLES AS YOU CAN MUSTER.

60 SECONDS GO ON THE CLOCK NOW,

AND GO!

YES, PAUL F. TOMPKINS?

>> ELVISH TRANSLATOR.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

PAUL SCHEER?

>> ANDREW DICE CATERER.

>> Chris: WHAT DOES THAT PERSON

DO?

>> HE CATERS FOR ANDREW DICE

CLAY, OR HE DRESSES AS ANDREW

DICE CLAY AND CATERS, EITHER

ONE.

>> Chris: OKAY, I WANT THAT.

POINTS, YEAH, POINTS.

PAUL?

>> BUTTHOLE CERTIFIER.

>> Chris: "YEAH, THAT'S A

BUTTHOLE."

POINTS.

>> GOT TO MAKE SURE.

>> Chris: YEAH, BAMFORD,

BAMFORD?

>> CADAVER STYLIST.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

REMEMBERED FOR THAT SCAR.

>> Chris: NO, NOT AT ALL.

PAUL F?

>> CADAVER.

>> Chris: AH, THE CROWD WAS A

LITTLE SOFT ON THAT ONE.

CROWD'S A LITTLE SOFT.

IT'S YOUR (BLEEP) FAULT, PEOPLE!

YOU NEED TO BE MORE SUPPORTIVE.

MARIA BANFORD?

>> PRO LIFE PUBLICIST?

>> Chris: POINTS.

MARIA BAMFORD?

>> OKAY, YEAH, BEST FRIEND

FINDER.

>> Chris: AWW.

POINTS.

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