Monday, January 19, 2015

  • 01/19/2015

Patton Oswalt, Pete Holmes and Kyle Kinane give millennial-friendly State of the Union addresses, #MakeHistoryCute and learn about the wild antics of loutish Floridians.

>> CHRIS HARDWICK: IT'S 11:59AND 59 SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON DEADSPIN TODAY.

YESTERDAY'S PACKERS/SEAHAWKSGAME WAS INSANE, I'M TOLD.

BUT AS YOU CAN GUESS, 'M NOTTHE BIGGEST SPORTS HEAD/

FINE.

SO TO HELP ME BREAK DOWN THEGAME, PLEASE WELCOME TO

@MIDNIGHT, NOTED REALTOR ANDCHRIS HARDWICK INCUBATOR AND

THE BIGGEST SPORTS FAN I KNOW --NO JOKE -- MY MOM, SHARON.

ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US,SPORTS MOM.

>> CHRISTOPHER, THERE ARE FEWBIGGER DISAPPOINTMENTS IN MY

LIFE THAN THE FACT THAT YOUDON'T LIKE SPORTS.

>> CHRIS: OKAY.

THANK YOU -- I THINK?

>> NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, SO -- IN PLAINTERMS, HOW WAS THE GAME FOR YOU?

>> WELL, FOR ME IT WAS VERYEXCITING.

YOU KNOW IT WAS HARD FOUGHTBY THE SEAHAWKS.

THEY HUNG IN THERE EVEN WHENIT LOOKED LAKE THEY WERE

DONE.

>> CHRIS: BUT I THOUGHT YOU WEREROOTED FOR GREEN BAY.

>> WELL, I WAS THEN --

>> CHRIS: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

>> THEN THEY DECIDED TO TAKEOUT THEIR DICKS AND [BLEEP]

AARON RODGERS.

>> CHRIS: MOTHER, MOTHER!

YOU CAN'T-- OKAY --

IT'S NOT-- MAY MOM WATCHES THISSHOW.

YOU'RE MY MOM.

>> I'M SORRY, CHRISTOPHER,IT IS WHAT IT IS.

JACK, ROLL THE GIF.

>> CHRIS: YOU CAN'T TELL-- YOUCAN'T JUST TELL OUR

PRODUCERS WHAT TO DO.

>> I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

NOW TAKE A LOOK HERE.

THIS IS WHEN THEY REALLY STARTEDLUBING UP.

BOSTICK WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSEDTO TRY TO CATCH THE BALL

HERE.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BEBLOCKING.

THIS LEAD TO A TOUCHDOWNTHAT FORCED OVERTIME.

WHICH WAS THEN PUNCTUATED BYA 35 YARD TOUCHDOWN PASS

FROM RUSSELL WILSON.

WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOU SEE A BALL COMING THISFAR DOWN THE FIELD AND YOU'RE

THE DEFENDER, YOU GOT TO WRAPHIM UP.

TAKE THE PENALTY.

DON'T HOPE HE DOESN'T MAKETHE CATCH.

SO INSTEAD OF FIRST AND TENON THE 17, IT'S A TOUCHDOWN.

AND INSTEAD OF GOING TO THESUPER BOWL, AARON RODGERS

HAS TO SPEND HIS SPRINGDOING MORE STATE FARM

COMMERCIALS.

>> CHRIS: OH, WOW.

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

I BELIEVE YOU.

JUST SO YOU KNOW BEFORE YOU GOOFF ON TOO MUCH OF A TANGENT

THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT THEINTERNET.

THIS IS NOT JIM ROME.

>> LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY,CHRISTOPHER, JIM ROME IS A

PUSSY.

>> CHRIS: MOM, YOU CAN'T-- JUSTSTART SAYING THAT NOW.

I'M GOING HAVE TO ANSWER FORTHAT.

>> OKAY, HONEY.

>> CHRIS: I GOT TO GET ON WITHTHE SHOW.

>> I STILL LOVE YOU, EVEN THOUGHARE YOU INTO ALL THAT DUMB

NERD [BLEEP].

>> CHRIS: OKAY, MOTHER, THANKYOU.

I LOVE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY MOM.SPORTS MOM.

THERE SHE GOES.

YOU KNOW, DESPITE WHAT MYMOTHER SAYS, BECAUSE THIS IS

MY SHOW, I'M A BIG BOY!

I'M A BIG BOY, MOM.

I THINK THE ONE THING WE CANALL AGREE ON IS THE REAL

STAR OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOWWAS THE GUY WHO RAN ON TO

THE FIELD POINTING OUTOBVIOUS BREACHES IN SECURITY,

AND MAKING EVERYONE GRATEFULTHAT HE ONLY HAD A PINK

BOTTLE FULL OF SCHNAPPS ANDNOT A SYMTEXT VEST FULL OF

NAILS.

THEY JUST LET THAT GUY OUTTHERE.

HANG ON, I CAN'T GET A GOODLOOK AT THIS GUY.

DO WE HAVE A BETTER PICTURE,JACK?

THERE WE GO. THIS IS A BETTERPICTURE.

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTTHIS GUY EXCEPT FOR THE FACT

THAT HE IS NOT WEARING PANTS.

SO GRAB YOUR PINK WATER BOTTLEAND GIVE THE POST GAME SPEECH.

PATTON OSWALT, GO.

>> I'M THE ONLY THING ON NBCRIGHT NOW.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S TRUE.

PETE HOLMES.

>> I'D LIKE TO THANK MYPANTSLESS MOM, PANTSLESS

JESUS AND I'M GOING TOPANTLESS DISNEYLAND.

>> CHRIS: KYLE KINANE.

>> HEY, MY DICK IS ON THEJUMBOTRON.

HOW SMALL IS IT NOW, JANINE?

>> CHRIS: PERFECT! TIME TO START@MIDNIGHT AT MIDNIGHT.

RIPPED FROM THE TODAY'SINTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GIVINGTHE STATE OF UNION ADDRESS

TOMORROW.

ONE CHALLENGE HE FACES ISTHAT THE AUDIENCE FOR THE

SPEECH HAS BEEN FALLING,PARTIALLY DUE TO THE FACT

THAT FEWER AMERICANS AREWATCHING LIVE TV AND ALSO

THE FACT THAT FEWERAMERICANS ARE GIVING A

[BLEEP] ABOUT STUFF.

THE PRESIDENT IS EVEN SAIDTO BE TAILORING A SPEECH FOR

SOCIAL NETWORK TO GRABPEOPLE FROM NETFLIX BINGE

OF CLASSIC FRIENDS EPISODES ORTHEIR INABILITY TO REALIZE THAT

SCANDAL IS NOT AN ACTUALDOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE WHITE

HOUSE.

SO COMEDIANS GIVE ME A LINEFROM THIS YEAR'S STATE OF

THE UNION AIMED AT INTERNETSAVVY GODDAMN MILLENNIALS.

PATTON OSWALT.

>> HELLO THIS IS PRESIDENT O--BUFFERING. BUFFERING. BUFFERING.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PETE HOLMES.

>> OBAMA WANTS TO CALL THESTATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS --

INSTEAD HE IS GOING TO CALL IT AREDDIT A.M.A.A.L.A.I.C.B.T.S.S.

AN ASK ME ANYTHING ASLONG AS IT IS CLEARED BY THE

SECRET SERVICE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS, POINTS.

>> THAT WAS REALLY HARD.

>> CHRIS: THAT WAS HARD.

>> I DID A GOOD JOB.

THERE ARE NO CUE CARDS!

THIS IS A LOW BUDGET SHOW,I HAD TO DO IT OFF THE MIND.

>> CHRIS: YEAH. YEAH. YOU HAD TOREMEMBER THE FIRST LETTER OF

ALL THOSE WORDS.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> FY, CHRIS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: KYLE.

>> I THINK HE WOULD SAY, I'MDONE IN A YEAR.

[BLEEP] THIS JOB.

HASHTAG #SuckIt. THEN DROP THEMIC.

>> CHRIS: THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE)

ADORABLE INDIE ROCK FAVORITEBELLE AND SEBESTIAN AND THE

DECEMBERISTS ALL DROPPED NEWALBUMS THIS WEEK.

IS IT A COINCIDENCE TO ZOOEYDESCHANEL ANNOUNCING SHE'S

PREGNANT?

THESE ARE THE SIGNS OF A COMINGTWEEPOCOLYPSE.

THE STREETS ARE RUNNING REDWITH RED VELVET CUPCAKES!

CATS AND DOG KNITTINGTOGETHER.

MASS HYSTERIA!

>> CHRIS: THIS IS TRULY-- >> ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S PREGNANT?

>> CHRIS: SHE IS.

>> WHO IS THE EUKELELE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> COME ON! -- SORRY.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS TRULY ANHISTORICAL TIME FOR LOVERS

OF ALL THINGS CUTESY-POO. SO INCELEBRATION, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #MakeHistoryCute.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE GOOD NIGHTMOON LANDING, OR THE LOUISIANNA

ETSY PURCHASE, OR THE CUBANWHISTLE CRISIS.

60 SECONDS ON THE TIME PIECESTARTING NOW.

YES, PETE HOLMES.

>> WORLD WAR WONDERFUL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

YES, KYLE.

>> THE BOO-BOO-BONIC PLAGUE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PATTON.

>> WHERE'S HITLER?

WHERE'S HITLER?

>> CHRIS: POINTS. PETE.

>> WA-WAGATE.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

PATTON.

>> THE LINCOLN ASSASSINATION,EXCEPT LINCOLN IS A LITTLE

FRENCH BULLDOG PUPPY, AND JOHNWILKES BOOTH IS A LITTLE KITTY,

HE COMES AND HITS HIM WITH ALITTLE PUMPKIN AND HE GOES, EEE!

>> CHRIS: AW, THAT'S SOADORABLE. POINTS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> CHRIS: KYLE.

>> TRAIL OF JOHNSON &JOHNSON'S NO MORE TEARS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

PATTON.

>> NINE EWEVEN.

>> CHRIS: PETE.

>> AWWWSCHWITZ.

>> CHRIS: STOP IT. YOU'RE MAKINGIT WORSE.

YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE BYDANCING THAT WAY.

STOP IT.

>> WHAT THE HELL?

BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TOPLAY FLORIDA MAN.

FLORIDA MAN.

@FLORIDAMAN IS A FANTASTICTWITTER FEED YOU SHOULD

SUBSCRIBE TO IMMEDIATELY.

IT COLLECT REAL NEWSCENTEREESTHAT COULD ONLY COME OUT OF THE

METH-FRIED ALTERNATIVE DIMENSIONTHAT IS FLORIDA.

I'M NOT JUST CRAPPING ON IT.

I LIVED THERE FOR A WHILE WHEN IWAS A KID.

MY MOM IS FROM MIAMI AND YOUSEE HOW SHE TURNED OUT.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE BEGINNING OF AFLORIDAMAN TWEET AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU TRY TO FILL IN THEBIZARRE BLANK.

FIRST ONE: FLORIDA MAN TRIESTO PICK UP PROSTITUTE WHILE

BLANK, PATTON OSWALT?

>> BUTTERED.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, THAT'S POINTSFOR SURE.

KYLE.

>> BREAST-FEEDING ILLEGALLYIMPORTED REPTILES.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEP.

THE ACTUAL ANWER: FLORIDAMANTRIES TO PICK UP PROSTITUTE

WHILE DRIVING SPECIAL NEEDSSCHOOL BUS.

>> OH. WHOA. WOW.

>> HE HAD A VERY SPECIAL NEED.

>> I TOLD HIM WE WERE WRESTLING.EH, I DON'T KNOW

THERE YOU GO.

>> CHRIS: NEXT ONE, NAKEDFLORIDA MAN SUBDUED AFTER BLANK.

PATTON.

>> COMPLETING HIS WEDDINGVOWS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

KYLE.

>> AFTER ONE OF HISILLEGALLY IMPORTED REPTILES

BITES A PROSTITUTE.

>> CHRIS: THE CORRECT ANSWER --I'M SURPRISED THIS IS EVEN A

NEWS STORY DOWN THERE -- ISSUBDUED AFTER THREATENING

RESIDENTS WITH SWORD.

>> WELL, HOW DID WE NOT SEETHAT? YEAH.

>> CHRIS: IT'S SORT OF IMPLIEDMOST OF THE TIME.

NEXT ONE: FLORIDAMAN THROWSTOILET AT BLANK.

PATTON.

>> SKY.

>> CHRIS: THAT IS A STRONG MAN.

POINTS. KYLE.

>> AT MIRROR, UPSET WITH SELFFOREVER GETTING INVOLVED

IN THAT PESKY ILLEGAL REPTILETRADE.

>> CHRIS: I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHTTHAT BACK AROUND.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THENARRATIVE ARC GUY.

POINTS.

>> CHRIS: THE DELIGHTFUL ANSWERIS, FLORIDA MAN THROWS TOILET AT

IMAGINARY ATTACKERS WHILEBARRICADED INSIDE METH LAB.

LAST ONE: NAKED MAN FAILSTO BREAK INTO WOMAN'S HOUSE,

SITS ON PORCH AND BLANKSINSTEAD.

PATTON.

>> THROWS TOILET AT SKY.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PETE.

>> JUST JAMS THE HELL OUT OFHIS D.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

>> CHRIS: JUST DOES TO TOWN ONIT!

>> YOU'RE NOT AUDITIONING. YOUGOT IT.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE OVERSELLING IT NOW.

>> CHRIS: AS I OFTEN DO WHEN YOUGUESS THE ACT RETAIL PRICE

ON THE SHOW AS PETE HOLMESDID, YOU GET A HUNDRED EXTRA

POINTS FOR MASTURBATES INTOSEAT CUSHON.

GOOD JOB, PETE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> OH MY GOD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: NO! NO!

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, WIKIHOW'S THAT NOW?

IF YOU WERE A YOUNG PERSONWHO NEEDS GUIDANCE YOU COULD

TURN TO THE PREVIOUSGENERATION AND DRAW ON THEIR

WISDOM AND EXPERIENCE BUTHONESTLY, GRANDPA IS

PROBABLY DRUNK SO [BLEEP] IT,JUST GO ON THE INTERNET,

WIKI HOW SAY SITE WITHCROWD-SOURCE TIPS FOR

EVERYTHING ON GETTING A FLATSTOMACH -- THERE IS IS --

TO, THIS IS REAL, HOW TOCALCULATE PI BY THROWING FROZEN

HOT DOGS.

(LAUGHTER)

SO COMEDIANS YOUR JOB IS TO NAMESOME WIKI HOWE ARTICLES YOU'D

LIKE TO SEE GET WRITTEN.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

YES, PETE.

>> HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY TRAPMICHAEL PHELPS IN A TUNA

NET.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PETE.

>> HOW TO GET BETTER RATINGON TBS AFTER "CONAN."

>> CHRIS: KYLE.

>> HOW TO SOUNDPROOF A 1987FORD AROSTAR.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PATTON.

>> HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN NINEDAYS.

>> CHRIS: HEY, POINTS.

PETE.

>> HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGONBUT LIKE FOR REAL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KYLE.

>> HOW TO GET FINGERPRINTSOFF OF A HELLO KITTY

BACKPACK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

PATTON.

>> HOW TO GET CHRIS HARDWICKTO YELL POINTS EVEN WHEN

YOUR JOKE SUCKS.

>> CHRIS: NO POINTS.

KYLE.

>> HOW TO PROPERLY DISPOSEOF A SOUNDPROOF 1987 FORD

AEROSTAR.

>> CHRIS: HA, HA! POINTS.

PATTON OSWALT.

>> HOW TO HIDE YOUR ERECTIONWHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS TELLING

YOU A STORY ABOUT HER DAD GOINGTHROUGH CHEMOTHERAPY.