CC Presents: Chris D'Elia

  • 01/11/2011

Chris D'Elia gets lost in Hawaii, breaks down heist movies and plays his cards right for booty.

HOW ARE WE--ARE WE GOOD?

[cheers and applause]

- ALL RIGHT--COOL, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN--I DON'T LIKE MY VOICE,

[audience laughing]

'CAUSE I HEAR IT.

NOW, YOU EVER HEAR YOUR OWNVOICE, RIGHT, LIKE, RECORDED,

AND THEN, YOU--YOU'RE LIKE,

"WAS THAT REALLY ME--IS THAT-- RIGHT?"

OR I GOT A VOICE RECORDER,AND I'LL RECORD MYSELF,

AND EVERY TIMEI-I LISTEN TO IT LATER,

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,"WHO SNUCK IN

"AND RE-RECORDED OVER MY--LIKE, THAT DOESN'T"--

LIKE, I'LL RECORD--I'LL BE LIKE,

"BEFORE 5:00 P.M. TOMORROW,I GOTTA PICK UP MY LAUNDRY

"TO HAVE THAT SHIRTFROM THE DRY CLEANERS.

"I NEED ITFOR THE PARTY."

AND THE NEXT MORNING,I'LL WAKE UP.

I'LL BE LIKE,"WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?"

AND I'LL PLAY IT.

"PICK UP THE LAUNDRYBEFORE THE 5:00 P.M."

[audience laughing]

IT'S LIKE, WHENDID I TURN INTO

AN OLD JAPANESE DUDE--I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

HEY, THERE,I AM JAPANESE.

YOU KNOW OLD JAPANESE DUDESSOUND LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY--HA-DA-DA.

THEY ADD SYLLABLES TO WORDS,TOO, FOR NO REASON.

JUST HA-DA I AM, UH,THE JAP-ADA-NESE-AH.

[audience laughing]

IT, UH, IS, UH, NICE,UH, TO MEET YOU.

LIKE, THEY DO!

YOU KNOW HOW THEYSAY "MCDONALD'S?"

THEY SAY IT LIKE THIS:"MC-ADO-DONO-ALDS."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

I WANT, UH, CHICKEN-A-DOON-AMC-A-DO NUGGETS

[audience laughing]

FROM MC-ADO-DONO-ALDS-AH.

THAT'S HOW THEY DOIT, TOO, LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I WANNA HAVE A COOLVOICE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, HELLO,HELLO, HELLO.

THAT'S COOL-- HELLO--WHAT'S GOING ON?

HELLO, HELLO--I'M BRITISH.

YEAH, THAT'S TRUE--YEAH, HELLO.

I FEEL LIKE THAT'SHOW BRITISH DUDES

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING--JUST "HELLO."

[audience laughing]

AND THEIR WIFE-- THEIR WIFEJOLTS AWAKE TO HIS "HELLO!"

THEIR KIDS HEAR IT--HELLO, HELLO!

THEIR NEIGHBORSHEAR THAT.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO,HELLO, HELLO!

[audience laughing]

THAT'S HOWBRITAIN WAKES UP.

ONE GUY--

[audience laughing]

ONE GUY WAKESUP REAL EARLY,

AND JUST SAYS, "HELLO,"AND THEN, "HELLO!

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO,HELLO, HELLO!"

[cheers and applause]

YEAH-- UH, DON'T GO--THAT'S MY ADVICE, MAN.

IT'S NOT LIKE IN THE MOVIESWHEN YOU SEE A DUDE GET SHOT,

AND HE FLIES BACKIN SLOW MOTION,

AND IT'S ALL CINEMATICAND LIT WELL,

AND YOU'RELIKE, "YEAH!

"HE WAS THE BAD GUY--HE DESERVED THAT!" RIGHT?

THE DEER DIDN'TDESERVE ANYTHING, MAN.

IT DOESN'T DO ANY--IT'S JUST CHILLIN'.

THE DEER-- THIS ISWHAT THE DEER WAS DOIN'.

IT WAS CHILLIN'--JUST, LIKE, EATING A BERRY.

THAT'S WHAT A DEERDOES, RIGHT, JUST CHILL.

AND ALL OF THE--HOW COME WHEN DEER--

DEER JUST ABS--LIKE, INSTANTLY

LOOK AT NOTHING,FOR NO REASON?

THEY JUST--

[audience laughing]

- "OKAY, BACK TO THE BERRY,"AND IT WAS EATING.

MY BUDDY SHOT THIS DEER,AND THIS IS HOW IT FELL.

IT'S NOT CINEMATIC OR LIKEIT IS IN THE MOVIES AT ALL.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED--IT GOES LIKE THIS.

REMEMBER, ITWAS EATING A BERRY.

IT GOT SHOT--THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

[imitating gun shot]

[audience laughing]

IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOKLIKE IT WAS IN PAIN.

IT LOOKED LIKE IT WASWATCHING "GREY'S ANATOMY"

OR SOMETHINGLIKE THAT.

[audience laughing]

AND THE NOISE THAT COMESOUT OF THIS DEER'S MOUTH

IS HORRIFIC--IT'S THE WORST NOISE.

IT SOUNDS-- YOU KNOWWHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE?

A HUMAN BEING--IT'S AWFUL.

THIS IS THE NOISE THATCOMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

REMEMBER, IT WAS CHILLIN' OUT,EATING A BERRY, IT GOT SHOT.

THIS IS THE NOISE THATCOMES OUT OF ITS MOUTH.

[imitating gun shot]

"OH!"

[audience laughing]

LIKE WHAT--O-H, THAT'S A WORD.

YOU COULD SPELL THAT ANDLOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY.

IT HAS A MEANING.

AND THE DEER JUSTSTRAIGHT UP LOOKED AT US

AND SAID IT!

THAT'S WEIRD, MAN--HE JUST WENT, "OH!"

I THOUGHT HE WASGONNA BE LIKE,

"OH, WHY DID YOUGUYS SHOOT ME?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

SO-SO, THE DEER'SLOOKIN' AT US, JUST "OH!"

AND I'M JUST-- MY-- IDON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO,

AND MY BUDDY IS LIKE,"UH-OH-- WHAT DO WE DO?"

I WAS LIKE, "YOU TOOK ME--WHAT DO WE DO, MAN?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT--UH, FOLLOW ME-- LET'S GO."

AND HE'S--WE'RE RUNNING UP.

I'M FOLLOWINGMY BUDDY TO THE DEER,

AND WE GET THERE, ANDTHE DEER IS STILL, "OH!"

AND MY BUDDY IS JUST-- I-I'VEKNOWN THIS DUDE FOR YEARS,

BUT I'D NEVER SEEN--YOU DON'T KNOW A MAN

TILL HE TAKES THE LIFEOF ANOTHER LIVING THING, MAN.

HE'S BREATHING ALL HEAVY--HIS EYES ARE CRAZY.

HE'S JUST,"AH-AH-AH."

AND I LOOK AT HIM,AND I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT-WHAT DO--WHAT DO WE DO?"

AND HE LOOKS ATME, AND HE SAYS,

LIKE THIS,LIKE, "YOUR TURN."

[audience laughing]

BUT HE SAID ITCREEPY LIKE THAT.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOUWANT ME TO HAVE SEX WITH IT?

"LIKE, I DON'TUNDERSTAND."

[audience laughing]

LIKE, YOU NEVER SAY,"YOUR TURN," LIKE THAT.

LIKE, I'M PRETTYSURE YOU'RE IN A ROOM

FULL OF NAKED PEOPLEWHEN SOMEBODY--

WHEN YOU HEARA "YOUR TURN" LIKE THAT.

LIKE, THAT'S--

LIKE, YOU'D NEVER BE AT THE ATMIN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAYTIME

JUST "OH-OH-OH-OH-OH--"YOUR TURN!"

[audience laughing]

"FORGET IT-- I'M GOINGTO CITIBANK-- FORGET IT."

SO, I-I ASKED HIM.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DOYOU MEAN, 'YOUR TURN?'

"WHAT IS THAT--WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

AND THIS ISWHAT HE SAYS TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOTTA PUTIT OUT OF ITS MISERY, BRO."

I WAS LIKE, "YO, DUDE--YOU PUT IT IN ITS MISERY.

[audience laughing]

"LIKE, I'M PRETTY SUREIT WASN'T MISERABLE AT ALL

"UNTIL YOU CAME ALONGAND SHOT IT IN THE NECK.

"LIKE, THAT TENDS TO PISSLIVING CREATURES OFF.

"AS A MATTER OF FACT,IT WAS EATING A BERRY.

"THAT'S ENJOYABLE, RIGHT?

THAT'S PROBABLYTHE DEER'S LUNCH.

THAT'S ALL ITEATS, RIGHT?

THAT'D BE LIKE, IF I WASAT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY,

AND THE WAITER CAME UPAND SHOT ME IN THE FACE

FOR NO REASON.

[audience laughing]

I'D JUST BE LIKE, "YEAH,I REALLY ENJOYED MY FOOD.

"I--[imitating gun shot]

"OH--CHECK, PLEASE!"

AND THE WAITER TURNSTO THE BUSBOY AND SAYS,

"YOUR TURN!"

I NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY'RETALKING ABOUT, TOO.

THEY GOT THEIROWN LANGUAGE.

LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

LIKE, THEY'LLJUST BE LIKE,

"YEAH, LET ME HOLLERAT YOU FOR A MINUTE."

LIKE, WHAT IS THAT?

I'M ALWAYS EXPECTINGTHAT'S LITERAL.

COULD YOU IMAGINE?

"JUST LET-LET ME HOLLERAT YOU FOR A MINUTE.

"AHHHHHH!"

[cheers and applause]

"ALL RIGHT--LET ME HOLLER AT YOUR BOY.

"AH!"

[audience laughing]

I JUST KEEP DATING THESEGIRLS THAT WON'T STOP TALKING.

GIRLS WILL SAY ANYTHING,MAN, ANYTHING!

A GIRL WILL BELIKE, "SEVEN."

[audience laughing]

AND YOU GOTTARESPOND TO THAT!

LIKE, HAPPILY ANDINVOLVED, RIGHT?

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE,"OH, NO WAY!

LIKE, THE NUMBERBEFORE EIGHT, RIGHT?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

- LIKE, AND-AND SHE'LLGO ON-- "YEAH, SIX.

"OH, MY GOD-- THAT'SRIGHT BEFORE SEVEN."

AND THEN YOU'RE IN A-AFULL-FLEDGED CONVERSATION

ABOUT A NUMBER.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHATYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

LIKE, THAT'SWHAT IT'S LIKE

WHEN WE TALK TO YOUGIRLS MOST OF THE TIME.

IN OUR HEADS,WE'RE LIKE, "UGH.

"I HOPE THAT WE'RE---THIS IS BELIEVABLE."

"SEVEN."

COULD YOU IMAGINE IF,LIKE, YOUR FRIEND CAME UP

AND WAS LIKE,"HEY, BRO, SEVEN."

[audience laughing]

YOU'D BE LIKE,"[deleted] YOU, DUDE!"

[audience laughing]

- TRY THATTO YOUR GIRL!

SHE'LL-SHE'LL SAYSOMETHING LIKE THIS.

"YOU KNOW WHAT-- FINE.

"MAYBE I JUST WON'T EVER SAYANYTHING EVER AGAIN, EVER."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

YOU EVER MEETTHOSE GIRLS

THAT JUST AREADDICTED TO DRAMA?

THEY FEED OFFDRAMA, RIGHT, RIGHT?

YOU--THAT'S IT, RIGHT?

AND HERE'S THE THING:THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW--

THIS IS HOW YOU KNOWWHAT GIRL LOVES DRAMA.

THE FIRST THING--

THE FIRST THING THATCOMES OUT OF HER MOUTH

WHEN YOU MEET HERIS ALWAYS THIS:

"I JUST WANTYOU TO KNOW,

"I'M JUST, LIKE, NOTINTO ALL THAT DRAMA."

[audience laughing]

WATCH OUTFOR THAT PERSON!

SHE'LL SWEAR UPAND DOWN ALL NIGHT.

"I JUST DON'T BELIEVEIN ALL THAT DRAMA-AAA!

[audience laughing]

- "I DON'T SUBSCRIBETO DRAMA-AAA!"

REALLY-- THEN WHYARE YOU SINGING IT?

THAT'S DRAMATIC--THAT'S A MUSICAL

AND I DON'T WANNABE IN IT WITH YOU.

[audience laughing]

OH, THANKS.

[applause]

- DUDE, IT-IT'S--

GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR THAT LEADING MAN.

THEY'VE SEEN TOO MANYMOVIES, YOU KNOW?

THEY-- WE GO WITH THEM,AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"WOULD YOU DOTHAT FOR ME?"

AND WE'RE LIKE,"UH, YEAH, TOTALLY."

IN OUR HEADS, WE'RELIKE, "NO-- UH-UH.

"I WOULDN'T DOTHAT FOR YOU."

TOO, THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR THE LEADING MAN, MAN.

AND MY GIRL WOULD ARGUETILL SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED.

LIKE MOST GIRLS, THEYWANNA FINISH IT, RIGHT?

BUT DUDES SNAP WAYBEFORE THAT, RIGHT?

AND I WOULD SNAP,BUT WHEN I WOULD SNAP,

I'LL IMMEDIATELYBECOME KEANU REEVES.

LIKE, THAT'S HOWI FEEL, AT LEAST.

THAT'S A LEADING MAN,SO, CLOSE ENOUGH.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, SHE'LLDROP SOME BOMB.

SHE'LL BE LIKE, "WHY DON'TYOU JUST PACK UP AND MOVE OUT?"

AND I'LL, YOU KNOW,"UH-HUH, UH-HUH."

[audience laughing]

- WHOA!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, YOU KNOW,THE END OF THE 'MATRIX,

WHEN HE STOPS THE BULLETSIN MID-AIR, RIGHT?

AND THEY HOVERIN FRONT OF HIS HAND,

AND HE PUTSHIS HAND DOWN,

AND HE COCKS HIS HEAD ANDTHE BULLETS HIT THE GROUND?

THAT'S WHAT IWOULD DO TO HER,

WHEN SHE WOULDARGUE WITH ME.

IT'D BE WEIRDAND AWKWARD,

BUT IT WOULD TOTALLYTEACH HER A LESSON.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

SHE'D COME AT ME-- SHE'D BELIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST--"

AND I--SHE GOES, AND I GO--

AND SHE SAYS, "WHAT DIDYOU JUST DO TO ME?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

I WOULDN'T-- I WOULDN'TEVEN HELP HER UP.

I'D JUST LEAVEHER THERE.

I'D STEP ON HER STOMACHTILL SHE FARTED,

AND THEN I'M OUT,YOU KNOW?

YOU WOULD DOTHAT, TOO.

THAT WOULD BE AWESOME,MAN, IF YOU COULD DO THAT.

HERE-- I'LL TELLYOU, RIGHT NOW.

IF I HAD ONE SUPER POWER,I WOULD WANT ONE THING.

I WOULDN'T NEED TO FLY,OR BE INVISIBLE,

OR HAVE SUPER STRENGTH,WHATEVER THAT IS.

I'D WANT ONE THING,

AND THAT WOULD BETO MAKE CHICKS FART.

THAT'D BE AWESOME!

[audience laughing]

RIGHT, A GIRL CAN'T ARGUEAND DO SOMETHING ELSE.

NO WAY, RIGHT?

YOU'RE HANGING ON AS--BY A THREAD, AS IT IS, RIGHT?

A DUDE COULD--A DUDE COULD FART.

A-A-A MAN-- A DUDEWOULD GO LIKE THIS.

HE'D BE LIKE,"HEY, MAN, I HATE YOU!

[imitating flatulence]

"AND ANOTHER THING...

[audience laughing]

[imitating flatulence]

"OH, YEAH--THAT REMINDS ME."

A GIRL COULDNEVER DO IT.

THIS IS HOW IT'DGO DOWN A GIRL.

SHE'D BE LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"YOU'RE OUT LATE ALLTHE TIME, AND I JUST--

[imitating flatulence]AH!

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

[sobbing]

"WHAT ARE YOUDOING TO ME?

"NO--[flatulence]

"STOP IT!

[flatulence]

"NO--STAY OVER THERE.

"DON'T COME IN THIS AREA--IT SMELLS LIKE CRAP."

[audience laughing]

THAT'D BEAWESOME, MAN!

SO, I'M SINGLE NOW.

[audience laughing]

YEAH, ALLRIGHT-- COOL.

I LIKE THAT, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW, SO,SO, I GOT A DATE,

AND THAT'S WEIRD--LIKE, DATING SUCKS, MAN.

IF YOU LIKE DATING,JUST GET OUTTA HERE, MAN.

YOU GOTTA SIT ACROSS FROMSOMEBODY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW,

AT A RESTAURANT YOUCOULD CARE LESS ABOUT,

AND YOU STAY STUFF,ESPECIALLY AS A GUY,

YOU SAY STUFF THAT YOU WOULDNEVER SAY, EVER, IN REAL LIFE,

LIKE, "WOW!"

[audience laughing]

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU SAID, "WOW," AS A GUY,

TO BE HONEST,FOR REAL?

GIRLS-- GIRLS HAVE THE POWER,RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW IT,

'CAUSE WE WANTSOMETHIN' FROM YOU.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, YOU SIT ONTHE POWER-- YOU SIT ON IT.

LITERALLY, YOU'RESITTING ON THE POWER.

[audience laughing]

YOU KNOW, AND YOUTAUNT US WITH IT, TOO,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW--YOU'RE JUST,

"UH-UH-UH-UH--UH-UH-UH-UH-UH.

"YOU BETTER PLAYYOUR CARDS RIGHT...

[audience laughing]

..."TO GET SOME BOOT-AY."

I FEEL LIKE THAT'SHOW IT IS IN YOUR HEAD.

LIKE, IT'S-- YOU'RE SINGINGAN R & B SONG OR SOMETHING.

JUST LIKE, "YOU BETTERPLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT, OW,

"TO GET SOME BOOT-AY."

YOUR FRIENDS AREIN THE BACKGROUND.

"YOU BETTER PLAYYOUR CARDS RIGHT, OW,

"TO GET HER BOOT-AY."

[cheers and applause]

HOW DO THEY KEEP MAKING THATMOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WHERE, LIKE, THE FIVE,BALD BRITISH DUDES

ARE SITTIN' AROUNDA TABLE, RIGHT?

AND THEY'REALWAYS ALL BALD.

AND THE ONE DUDE'S BREAKINGDOWN THE PLAN, RIGHT?

LIKE HE'S JUSTLIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

"HERE'S WHATWE'RE GONNA DO."

[audience laughing]

"CHECK IT OUT,ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GONNA-- WE'RE GONNAGO IN, GET ALL THE CASH,

"PUT IT IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

[audience laughing]

- BUT THEY MAKETHE MOVIE EVERY YEAR.

THEY JUST ROB DIFFERENTTHINGS, RIGHT?

LIKE, A YEAR LATER,THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT--HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

[audience laughing]

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE DIAMONDS,

"PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER, "ALL RIGHT--HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

[audience laughing]

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE PAINTINGS,

"PUT 'EM IN A BAG,AND WE'RE OUT."

A YEAR LATER, "HERE'SWHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

[audience laughing]

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN, GET ALLTHE ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES,

"PUT 'EM IN A BAG."

A YEAR LATER,"HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

[audience laughing]

"WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE DALMATIANS,

"PUT 'EM IN A BAG."

[cheers and applause]

- LIKE, YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW, LIKE,

WHEN ARE THEY DONEROBBING THINGS, RIGHT?

LIKE, WHEN ARE THEIRAPARTMENTS TOO FULL,

AND THEY GOTTASTOP, RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE THEY'LL-- THEY'LL,THEY'LL-THEY'LL REALIZE

THAT IN THE MIDDLEOF THE MOVIE, RIGHT?

LIKE, THEY'LLBE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT--HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GONNA GO IN,GET ALL THE--

WAIT A MINUTE--WHAT DON'T WE HAVE?"

[audience laughing]

HEY, NIGEL,WHAT DON'T WE HAVE?

IF YOU'RE BRITISH, YOU DON'TKNOW A DUDE NAMED NIGEL,

YOU'RE NOTBRITISH, OKAY?

[audience laughing]

OR YOU'RE NIGEL--THAT'S HOW THAT GOES.

[audience laughing]

AND NIGEL COMES IN-- HE'SALWAYS THE BIGGEST, BALDEST DUDE

WITH THE RASPY VOICE.

HE'S LIKE, "SORRY, CHAP--FRESH OUT OF IDEAS."

"ALL RIGHT-- WE'RE GONNAGO IN, GET ALL THE IDEAS,

"PUT 'EM IN A BAG."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

SOUNDS DIFFERENT IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, YOU GO2,000 MILES ONE WAY,

PEOPLE SOUNDDIFFERENT.

YOU GO 2,000 MILES ANOTHERWAY, THEY SOUND DIFFERENT.

I WENT TO HAWAII.

THEY DON'T EVEN USE CONSONANTS,MAN-- THEY JUST USE VOWELS,

AND THEY DON'T CARETHAT YOU'RE CONFUSED.

LIKE, I WENT DOWN TOTHE CONCIERGE TO ASK HIM

HOW TO GET SOME PLACE--I SOUNDED LIKE A IDIOT.

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,HOW DO YOU GET TO

"OOH-WILIA-WA-E-A-WAH-O-WA-YAYA-YA-O-WA-YA-YA?"

[audience laughing]

HE LOOKS AT ME ALL SMUG,AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS.

HE GOES LIKE THIS, "THAT'SWILIA-WAH-YA-WA-O-AH."

[audience laughing]

I'M LIKE, "COOL, JERK--HOW DO YOU GET THERE?"

THIS IS WHATHE SAYS TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "SIMPLE.

"OUT OF THE HOTEL, TAKEA LEFT ON O-WEE-A-O-O,

"RIGHT ON I-YA-E-E, ANOTHERRIGHT ON O-A-AH-O-E-E.

"THAT BECOMESAYE-YA-AH-AH.

"THERE'S A FORKIN THE ROAD.

"DON'T TAKE A-BA-YA-O-O--YOU'LL GET LOST.

"TAKE A LEFT ONYA-YA-AH-YA-AH-YA-YA-YA-YA.

[audience laughing]

"TAKE A RIGHT--

TAKE A RIGHTON OOH-E-AH-O-E-E,

"A LEFT ON AH-E-YA-AH, A RIGHTON NEW-AH-OOH-AH-OOH-OOH,

"A LEFT ONE-E-YA-AH-AH,

"AND THEN A RIGHT ONO-A-O-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E."

[audience laughing]

A HALF AN HOUR LATER,I'M ON O-A-O-O,

LIKE, "WHERE'S E-E-E--WHERE'S E-E-E?"

I SOUND LIKE,AN ANGRY DOLPHIN.

I'M JUST, "E-E-E!"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

LIKE, I WANNA BE TOUGH,LIKE A TOUGH DUDE,

LIKE, "YEAH,WHAT UP, PLAYER?"

[audience laughing]

OH, THERE'S THE GANGSTERGIRLS, RIGHT THERE.

[audience laughing]

"OH, MY GOD!

"A-HA-HA!"

I DON'T KNOW WHYGIRLS SHORT CIRCUIT

WHEN THEYGET EXCITED.

[audience laughing]

"A-HA-HA-HA!"

[audience laughing]

THAT'S YOU,THAT'S YOU.

YEAH, BUT IFI WAS LIKE,

"NOBODY MESSESWITH THIS DUDE.

YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

YEAH, THAT'SRIGHT, PLAYER.

"HA-HA!"

[audience laughing]

I DON'T KNOW WHY GANGSTERSLAUGH AT NOTHING.

IT'S WEIRD.

"WHAT UP, PLAYER--HA-HA!"

[audience laughing]

IT'S-IT'S NOTFUNNY, AT ALL.

YOU DIDN'T EVENMAKE A JOKE.

DID I MISS A SETUP--LIKE, I DON'T GET IT.

"YEAH, PLAYER--I'M HARDCORE.

"TA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA."

GANGSTERS ARE GANGSTERSUNTIL THEY LAUGH, RIGHT?

LIKE, WHENEVERTHEY LAUGH,

THEY JUST ABANDONALL HARDCORENESS, RIGHT?

LIKE, THEY'LL JUST BEREAL HARDCORE UNTIL THEN.

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"YEAH, PLAYER.

"I'LL CUT YOURDOG'S HEAD OFF

"AND EAT THATFOR BREAKFAST, SON.

"TA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

[audience laughing]

"I'LL KILL YOURWHOLE FAMILY

"AND LAY 'EM SIXFEET DEEP, PLAYER.

"TA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!

YOU EVER GETTHAT ONE GANGSTER

THAT'S LIKE, "YEAH,PLAYER-- THAT'S RIGHT!"

HE DON'T EVEN OPEN UP HISMOUTH-- THAT'S HOW MAD HE IS.

[audience laughing]

"YEAH, DON'T MAKE ME."

HE'S LIKE,"YEAH, PLAYER.

"I AIN'T GOT TO OPEN UPMY MOUTH FOR NOBODY!

"YA'LL THINK I GOTTAOPEN UP MY MOUTH?

"I DON'T OPEN UPMY MOUTH FOR NOBODY!

"ONLY-ONLY REASON I OPEN UPMY MOUTH FOR ONE THING,

"AND THAT'S THIS--TA-HA-HA-HA-HA."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

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