Rock-Hard Weekend

  • Season 1, Ep 17
  • 07/19/2016

Nikki investigates sketchy erectile dysfunction pills with Dr. Drew, quizzes pedestrians on porn geography and gives "the talk" to a kitten.

(upbeat instrumental music)

- You took-

- Yeah.

- Penis pills.

- I took a penis pill.

- Why take these pills?

- I really just wanted to see

what it would be liketo get a chemical boner.

- Just kind of wanted to put a little

extra something in there, you know.

- I buy this one that has a big gorilla picture on it.

- Do you know that gorillas actually have

penises that are this small?

- Uh...

- You just thought these pills would make your penis

one of those, like, inflatable things

outside a car dealership, just like,

make people come to your boners, like...

- I forget what kind they were, but, uh...

- Would you remember if you heard it?

- Probably so.

- Okay, was it Semen Strong?

- No.

- Max Load?

- No.

- Bone Sweet Bone?

- No, it wasn't Bone Sweet Bone.

- Was it Jizz Cannon Overspew Y2K?

Flaunty Python?

Was it Dick Hole Sun?

- No, I don't...

- Won't you come?

- Me, come?

- ♪ Wash away...

Planet Girth?

What about Oooh, You Nasty?

Boi-yoi-yoi-yoing Colossal?

Jerk du So Laid?

Ween Bay Packers?

Dick van Dyke?

Was it Executive Produce by Dick Wolf?

- I don't think so.

- Walker, Texas Dangler?

- No.

- Was it Knock Knock? Who's There?

- No, no, it wasn't.

- You're not, I'm not done.

It's a long name.

Oh, was it Jizz based on the novel Balls by Sapphire?

Was it Mmmmfff?

Was it "Hey Ladies, How Are Ya"?

- Uh, no.

- Okay.

Do you know what's in these pills?

- No.

- Do you care?

You don't know what's in those pills.

- Oh, yeah, true that.

- I do remember one chemical.

It was ...

- Did you even look at what was inside these pills?

- No, I didn't, you know?

- Yeah, that makes sense.

Why not go get a prescription for something

that is actually regulated?

- Seems like a lot of effort.

- Get Obamacare.

- Will he give me erections?

- Go see a real doctor.

Okay, Dr. Drew, in yourprofessional opinion,

what do you think of these gas station dick pills?

- At best, a waste of time.

At worst, dangerous.

- Do you know what exactly is in these pills besides-

- There's a lot of stuff.

You know, there'ssomething we used to use

back in the day when I was first practicing

called Yohimbine.

- Isn't that the name of the gorilla that they shot?

What kind of dangers?

- It's like any other supplement.

The problem being, though, you don't know

when you're going to getsome adulterating agent

in there that couldharm you, in which case

you could really get serious complications.

You can get something called priapism.

- Which is...

- Which is a sustained,painful erection

that does not go away.

- Okay.

- You can need a surgerywhere they literally

have to splay the penisto relieve the pressure.

Whenever I want to get young men to do anything,

I just tell them it's going to affect their schlongs.

- Yeah, what about you, though, Dr. Drew?

- Yeah.

- When you were young and dumb and full of questions.

- Yeah.

- Did you ever say, "Hey, I'm going to do

"something like this.

"I'm going to try this."

- Hmm, we're reallygoing to get into this.

First of all, had therebeen such a pill around,

I probably would have taken it.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, I probably... I was young and dumb for sure.

- Besides the splayedpenis priapism surgery,

what is the worst thing that could happen from them?

- Worst case, you could wind up dead.

- With a great dick.

- Mm-hmm (affirmative).

- [Voiceover] This message brought to you

by Los Angeles Independent Medical Providers.

- We've all been there.

You're at the checkout counter at your gas station, 7-11,

wherever you buy your shiny hot dogs,

and there greeting you is a rack of mystery dick pills.

They have names like Rock Hard Weekend, and you're like,

"All weekend?

"I have my sister's graduation party.

"I don't want to be hard for that."

- Your dick is not a rhino.

- If you're a young dude with a limp dong,

you probably have intimacy issues.

Go talk to somebody.

- I'll talk to you about your penis.

- No, I mean like a doctor.

- I was a doctor in my home country.

- No!

- A pill can't fix a broken dicks.

- Because I think I speak for everyone

when I say I'd rather deal with a limp dick

than a dead person.

Well...

- Say no to gas station dick pills.

It's my proudest moment.

Right here, this is it.

♪♪

Do you watch porn?

Occasionally.

-Of course. Who doesn't?-Yeah.

I try toevery now and then.

You try to?Yeah.

It seemed like I was asking you,like, "Do you volunteer?"

And you're like,"I make an effort to."

I like the MILF,amateur, big tits.

Big tits, amateur, MILF.

Can't forget aboutthe cougars, though.

I love the cougars.-Don't --

Got to have lovefor those cougars, yeah.

Well, you guys know a lotabout porn,

but let's see how much you knowabout geography.

Here we go.

Let me ask you a couplequestions about this map.

Oh, my.

So, this is the world'sfavorite categories,

as found by PornHub.

Teen is the most popularsearched term in...?

Uh, Middle --No, Italy?

That's not Italy.It's Greenland.

No.It's Iceland.

It's...

[ Whispering ] Mexico.Is that Mexico?

I got you.

You thoughtthis was Africa.

I did.You want to know why?

'Cause I saw "big dick."

I'm sorry.

What state would you live in,based on your preference?

I guess Colorado.

So you would live in anal?

I thought that one was Colorado!

Oh, shit!

So, do you know what statethis is?

Maine? No.

[ Baby voice ]No, a little baby state.

We just want to watchour mommies [bleep]

Uh...

What is cartoon porn?

That's like watching Tom andJerry f-- you know, have sex.

-Is that what they do?!-That's cartoon.

We don't watch that.

Do they, like, take cartoons

that we know and love and putthem in those situations?

It'd be like Spongeboband Sandy.

No way.

This state -- threesome.

That's...

Why can't you name this?

Because most of my threesomeshave happened in California.

[ Laughter ]