CC Presents: Dan Levy

  • 01/11/2009

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHITE PEOPLE AND TREES --THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

NOW I LIVE IN L.A.,AND PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME,

"DAN, LIVING IN L.A.,EVER MEET ANY CELEBRITIES?

EVER SEE ANY CELEBRITIES?"

AND IT'S TRUE. IT HAPPENED.I MET JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

YES. YES!

TIMBERFACE.HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN, OKAY?

I WAS AT THE GYM, DOING A LITTLEBIT OF THIS ACTION, OKAY?

IN WALKS JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE,AND I WAS LIKE, "OMG."

AND I NEVER SAY, "OMG,"

BUT WHEN YOU SEEJUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IN THE FLESH,

THAT'S THE ONLY THINGTHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR FACE.

AND THEN HE TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT,

AND I WAS LIKE, "WOW.

"THIS IS LIKE EVERY15-YEAR-OLD GIRL'S FANTASY..."

AND MINE...

APPARENTLY, AT THAT MOMENT.

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU GOT TO SAYSOMETHING TO TIMBERFACE,"

BUT WHAT DO YOU SAY,YOU KNOW, TO A POP SUPERSTAR?

BUT I LOVE SNEAKERS,SO I WAS LIKE,

"I'LL SAY SOMETHINGABOUT HIS SNEAKERS."

SO I JUST WALK OVER TO HIM.I WAS LIKE, "YO, JUSTIN!"

HE WAS LIKE --

[ High-pitched voice ]"WHAT'S UP?"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Normal voice ]I WAS LIKE,

"JUSTIN,I REALLY LIKE YOUR SNEAKERS."

AND THEN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKELOOKS AT ME, AND HE GOES,

"OH, DAWG...

THEY'RE MY WHATEVER-WHATEVERSHOES."

AND IN MY HEAD, I'M LIKE,

"DID JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE JUST SAY'WHATEVER-WHATEVER SHOES'?"

BUT THE ONLY THINGI COULD SAY BACK TO HIM,

FOR WHATEVER REASON -- I WASJUST LIKE, "WHATEVER-WHATEVER!"

AND THEN ABOUT TWO WEEKS LATER,I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

AND THIS 16-YEAR-OLD KIDCOMES OVER TO ME.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, MAN,I LIKE THOSE SNEAKERS."

I'M LIKE, "OH, FOR REAL?

THEY'RE MY WHATEVER-WHATEVERSHOES."

AND THIS KID LOOKS AT ME.HE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE A [BLEEP]"

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, DON'T LISTENTO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

HE GIVES TERRIBLE ADVICE.

WENT TO AMSTERDAM.THAT WAS REALLY COOL.

YEAH. YES!

THAT REALLY OPENED UP MY EYES...

AND MADE THEM RED,'CAUSE I GOT HIGH IN AMSTERDAM.

HERE'S THE THING -- I'M JEWISH.

IF YOU'RE JEWISH,DO NOT SMOKE WEED

AND GO TO THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE,ALL RIGHT?

THAT IS A TERRIBLE COMBINATION.

YOU WILL THINKTHE NAZIS ARE AFTER YOU...

BECAUSE THEY ARE.

AND DO NOT DO MUSHROOMSAND GO TO THE VAN GOGH MUSEUM,

'CAUSE YOU WILL EAT A PAINTING.

IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH,BECAUSE I WAS IN AMSTERDAM.

THEN I COME BACK TO AMERICA,

AND YOU HEARALL THESE POLITICIANS

SAYING THE TERRORISTS HATE USBECAUSE OF ALL OF OUR FREEDOMS.

ALL OF OUR FREEDOMS --LIKE, WHAT FREEDOMS, YOU KNOW?

MARIJUANA'S ILLEGAL,THEY'RE TRYING TO BAN ABORTION,

AND YOU CAN'T GET MARRIEDIF YOU'RE GAY.

IN AMSTERDAM,

YOU CAN DO ALL THATIN THE SAME BUILDING.

THAT WAS A CRAZY NIGHT...

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

...FOR REAL.

YOU KNOW, WE PRETEND TO,BUT NO ONE REALLY CARES.

LIKE, MY GIRLFRIEND HAS A PRIUS.I USE A BRITA.

BUT FOR THE MOST PART,NO ONE REALLY CARES.

I TRY TO TALK TO MY FRIENDSABOUT THE WAR.

I'M LIKE, "MAN, THIS IS CRAZY.

WE'VE BEEN TO WARFOR FIVE YEARS."

MY FRIEND'S LIKE,"NO, YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY?

"MY NEW iPhone.CHECK THAT OUT."

"IT'S THINNER NOW.

FEEL IT."

BUT EVERYONE'S LIKE, "NO, DAN,

THE YOUNG PEOPLE WILL CAREWHEN THERE'S A DRAFT."

CAN YOU IMAGINE, LIKE,YOU IN THE WAR, YOU KNOW,

TRYING TO FACEBOOKFROM THE TANK?

I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS, AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

"LET ME REQUEST A FRIEND.THEN I'LL KILL AN ENEMY.

IS THAT HOW IT WORKS HERE?I'M NEW. I DON'T KNOW."

"HELP ME!

"I WAS JUST SuperPokedBY AN IRAQI!

SERIOUSLY, I'M BLEEDING."

WE JUST LOVE POP CULTURE.THAT'S ALL WE REALLY CARE ABOUT.

LET'S BE HONEST.WE LOVE POP CULTURE.

SO, WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO

IS TAKE, LIKE, LINDSAY LOHANAND KIM KARDASHER-FACE

AND THE WHOLE CASTOF "THE HILLS"

AND SEND THEM TO IRAQ.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

BECAUSE THAT WAY,EVERYONE WILL FOCUS ON THE WAR

AND THEN THEY WILL BE KILLED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TWO BIRDS, ONE SUICIDE BOMB --

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,PEOPLE.

WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.

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