CC Presents: John Heffron

  • 01/29/2004

GOOD, GLAD TO HEAR IT.

SO LEARNED A BIG LESSON

LAST WEEK, I'D LIKE TO PASS

ALONG TO THE FELLOWS THAT ARE

HERE.

LET'S SAY FELLOWS YOU GO TO A

STRIP CLUB.

AND YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE

THERE.

RIGHT?

LET'S SAY YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE OR

GIRLFRIEND YOU WERE GOING TO GO

PAINT CHURCHES OR SOMETHING.

DON'T GET THE STRIPPER WEARING

THE GLITTER.

[LAUGHTER]

YES.

SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT

THE TIME, WHAT WITH WHITE SNAKE

PLAYING AND ALL.

HOWEVER, I WENT HOME WITH

STRIPPER DUST.

AND THAT'S A TOUGH ONE TO GET

OUT OF.

"YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH

ALL THAT GLITTER ON YOU?"

"UH-- MAKING YOU A CARD?"

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS I THINK EVERYBODY HERE

SHOULD GO TO YOUR LOCAL

STRIP CLUB AND SUPPORT THE

DANCERS 'CAUSE YOU WILL FIND

THAT THEY'RE ALL GOING TO

SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY NEED MONEY FOR BOOKS

AND STUFF.

SO YOU SHOULD GIVE 'EM CASH.

BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU COULD BE ON

YOUR HOSPITAL GURNEY, GETTING

READY FOR YOUR DOUBLE BY-PASS,

LOOK UP, AND GO, "CINNAMON?

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU MADE IT!

NICE JOB!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THAT WHOLE GLITTER THING,

FELLOWS, THOUGH, THAT'S AN

ARGUMENT YOU CAN'T WIN.

NOT THAT WE CAN WIN ARGUMENTS

ANYWAY 'CAUSE--

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU LADIES

GO TO LEARN HOW TO ARGUE.

BUT THAT PLACE IS GOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

MY LAST GIRLFRIEND LEARNED THIS

THING AT THAT LITTLE CAMP THAT

YOU LADIES ATTEND.

WHERE SHE WOULD ASK ME A

QUESTION AND THEN ANSWER IT

FOR ME.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, LADIES, IF WE DON'T NEED

TO BE THERE FOR THE ARGUMENTS--

REALLY, IF YOU CAN HAVE THAT

FIGHT WITHOUT US, BY ALL MEANS,

HAVE THAT FIGHT ON YOUR WAY HOME

FROM WORK.

JUST DRIVE HOME.

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOUR PROBLEM

IS!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET OUT OF YOUR CAR.

WALK INTO THE HOUSE.

WON ANOTHER ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, LADIES, I'LL TELL YOU THIS

BECAUSE I'M NOT DATING ANY OF

YOU.

RIGHT?

SO I'LL TAKE THE BULLET FOR YOUR

FELLOW AND TELL YOU SOME THINGS

THAT HE'S BEEN WANTING TO TELL

YOU FOR SOME TIME.

AND YOU CAN LEAVE HERE MAD AT

ME.

YOU CAN BE SO MAD AT ME YOU CUT

ME OFF TONIGHT.

YOU'LL SHOW ME.

RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST THING,

LADIES, YOUR GUY WROTE ON A

NAPKIN, AND HE TOLD ME TO TELL

YOU.

1. GUYS DON'T WANT TO TALK...

EVER.

[APPLAUSE]

WE USED THAT UP THE FIRST NIGHT

WE MET YA.

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER HOW CHATTY WE WERE?

"WHAT DO YOU DO?

THAT'S INTERESTING.

NO, THIS ISN'T BORING.

GO ON!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

IT'S OVER.

HAND US THE REMOTE.

LET'S GO!

SECOND, LADIES--

OUR CLEANING SCHEDULE ISN'T

ALWAYS YOUR CLEANING SCHEDULE.

YOU GUYS IN HERE EVER THINK YOU

HAVE A WEEKEND FREE?

YOU'RE LIKE, COOL, I GOT NOTHING

TO DO THIS WEEKEND.

THEN-- WORD FROM THE HEAD OFFICE

GETS IN TOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING

SATURDAY.

I BOUGHT A CLOSET ORGANIZER.

YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THAT

TOGETHER.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WHY DON'T YOU MOVE THE

GARAGE FROM THE LEFT SIDE OF THE

HOUSE TO THE RIGHT?

THEN TAKE ALL THE TREES IN THE

BACKYARD MOVE 'EM INTO THE

FRONT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE'RE GOING TO MY MOM'S.

WHAT?

DID I AGREE TO THIS WEEKEND

IN ONE OF THOSE ARGUMENTS

YOU HAD WITHOUT ME?

YOUR WEEKEND SEEMS A LITTLE BIT

DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE I HAD

PLANNED.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT LAYING

ON THE COUCH.

POURING THE CHIPS DIRECTLY ONTO

MY STOMACH.

WATCH ME A LITTLE ESPN II

CHEERLEADING CHAMPIONSHIP OF

1987.

THEN TAKE ME A LITTLE

NAPPIE POO.

HOLEY MACKEREL, FELLOWS,

YOU GUYS EVER GET BUSTED FOR

TAKING A NAP THAT WASN'T

SANCTIONED IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?

OH!

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY I JUST FOUND THIS OUT,

ON A SIDE NOTE.

EVERY GIRL I EVER LIVED WITH,

RIGHT, ALWAYS SAID THE SAME

THING TO ME.

SHE ALWAYS SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

JOHN?

I GUESS WE JUST DON'T SEE

EYE TO EYE.

I GUESS WE JUST SEE THINGS

DIFFERENTLY."

SO I WENT AND GOT MY EYES

CHECKED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND APPARENTLY I'M CLUTTER

BLIND.

THE DEAL WITH THIS IS EASY.

IS IT STRIKES ABOUT 110% OF ALL

MEN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE DON'T ALWAYS SEE THE SAME

MESS THAT YOU DO, LADIES.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE LIGHT

REFLECTING DIFFERENT IN OUR

EYES.

WE'D HELP PICK UP IF WE SAW IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THERE'S SOME TESTS YOU COULD

DO, LADIES, TO SEE IF YOUR GUY

ACTUALLY HAS THIS DISEASE.

PLACE ANYTHING IN FRONT OF

THE DOOR, LIKE A LITTLE GARBAGE

OR SOMETHING.

YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS TO GO

OUTSIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

OR PLACE SOMETHING MAYBE ON YOUR

FIRST STEP LEADING UPSTAIRS.

MAYBE SOME TOWELS.

AND YOU MIGHT THINK THAT THOSE

TOWELS SHOULD TAKE A JOURNEY

UPWARD.

SEE IF YOUR GUY IS LIKE ME,

AND WILL STEP OVER IT.

WHATEVER YOU PUT THERE EVERY

TIME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

LASTLY ON MY LITTLE THINGS HERE.

LADIES, DON'T EVER ASK YOUR GUY

THIS QUESTION.

"HEY, IS YOU PLAYING A X-BOX

OR PLAYSTATION?

IS THAT GOING TO TAKE AWAY

FROM US TIME?"

"YES.

YES, IT WILL."

I GOTTA TELL YOU, I'M IN MY 30s,

AND I LOVE PLAYING VIDEOGAMES.

LOVE IT, LADY.

LOVE IT!

I'M NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY GIRL I EVER DATE ALWAYS

SAYS THE SAME THING TO ME.

"YOU'RE TOO OLD TO PLAY

VIDEOGAMES.

THAT'S DUMB FOR SOMEBODY

YOUR AGE TO BE INTO VIDEOGAMES."

YOU KNOW WHAT LADIES?

YOU DO DUMB THINGS.

LIKE-- READ!

[LAUGHTER]

I COULD GO ON, BUT I WON'T.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE REASON WHY I LIKE PLAYING

VIDEOGAMES SO MUCH IS I CAN

EVENTUALLY FIGURE OUT A

VIDEOGAME.

I CAN EVENTUALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT

TO DO RIGHT AND WHAT TO DO WRONG

IN A VIDEOGAME.

IN A RELATIONSHIP, I CAN'T.

AND UNTIL I CAN GO ONLINE

TO FIND A CHEAT CODE TO DEAL

WITH WOMEN--

'TIL I CAN FIND A WAY WHEN YOU

COME OUT AND START BITCHING AT

ME, I CAN GO, "TRIANGLE, SQUARE,

CIRCLE! R-1, R-2, R-2!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

John Heffron: I'M IN MY 30s NOW.

BEING IN YOUR 30s, THAT'S NOT

OLD BY ANY MEANS.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YA.

I'M ALREADY STARTING TO NOTICE

THAT I'M DOING OLD GUY STUFF.

LIKE I GOT TUMS IN MY POCKET

FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO CARRY CONDOMS.

BUT I KNOW I GOTTA BETTER CHANCE

OF GETTING A STOMACHACHE THAN

GETTING LAID.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I GOTTA TELL YOU, TOO, I DON'T

HAVE RECOVERY TIME ANYMORE.

LIKE TONIGHT I WANT TO GO, COOL,

I'M GOING TO CELEBRATE.

I WANT TO GO OUT AND BOOZE

IT UP.

I'M GOING TO POUR OUT OF A BAR.

THAT'S THE YOUNGER GUY WHO

THINKS HE'S IN HIS 20s TALKING.

BUT THEN THE OVER 30 GUY

KICKS IN.

"REALLY?

DO YOU HAVE THREE DAYS OF LAYING

AROUND TIME FOR THE TWO HOURS

OF DRINKING?

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH OATMEAL AT

HOME TO HELP DETOX YOUR BLOOD?

DO YOU HAVE THE MILK THISTLE

FOR YOUR LIVER, BIG SHOTS?"

I DON'T HAVE A RECOVERY TIME

ANYMORE.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I DIDN'T NEED

A RECOVERY TIME.

REMEMBER AS A KID YOU COULD DO

WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO YOUR BODY

AND NEVER GOT HURT.

REMEMBER SLIDING DOWN THE STAIRS

IN A CLOTHESBASKET WAS SAFE.

[LAUGHTER]

NEVER GOT HURT, DID YA?

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS OVER 30

GO TRY THAT TONIGHT AND LET ME

KNOW HOW IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

I GUARANTEE YOU'LL BE CALLING

YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE.

"YEAH, AH, YOU GUYS COVER

CLOTHESBASKET ACCIDENTS?"

[LAUGHTER]

SLIDING DOWN THE STAIRS

AND HIT A BUNCH OF TOWELS ON THE

FIRST STEP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NEVER GOT HURT AS A KID.

YOU FALL OFF YOUR BIKE,

RIP A HOLE IN YOUR ARM,

AND JUST WATCH IT HEAL RIGHT IN

FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

[LAUGHTER]

MY MOM KNEW WE ALWAYS TRIED TO

GET HURT BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE'RE

KIDS.

NOTHING GOOD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN

WHEN ONE KID SAYS TO THE OTHER,

"HEY, LET'S BUILD A RAMP."

AND MY MOM WOULD ALWAYS TRY

TO BUY A SAFE TOY SO WE WOULDN'T

HURT EACH OTHER.

BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THAT'S

DUMB.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ANY KID

COULD TURN ANY TOY INTO A

WEAPON.

THE BEST WEAPON?

THE BEST WEAPON YOU COULD

EVER HAVE, BEATING UP A BROTHER

OR SISTER GROWING UP WAS THE BIG

LONG WRAPPING PAPER TUBE THING.

REMEMBER THAT?

THE BIG LONG CARDBOARD TUBE

THING.

THAT WAS THE BEST THING TO BEAT

UP BROTHERS AND SISTERS WITH.

LOVED IT.

BECAUSE IT STARTED OFF AS A BIG

LONG STAFF AND YOU COULD JUST

START SMACKING PEOPLE WITH IT.

THEN THE MIDDLE PART WOULD GET

ALL BUSTED UP.

THEN THE ENDS ARE STILL FINE.

THEN YOU HAD NUMB CHUCKS.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WITH

THAT TUBE THOUGH, BEFORE WE

STARTED HITTING PEOPLE,

WAS TO WALK BY OUR FAMILY DOG

WHO WAS JUST LAYING THERE

SLEEPING.

STICK THE TUBE RIGHT BY THE

DOG'S FACE.

[MUFFLED SINGING, NOISES]

DOG WOULD ALWAYS WAKE UP,

"WHAT THE [BLEEP]?"

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, GET THE TUBE OUT OF MY

FACE!

STICK THAT TUBE IN MY FACE ONE

MORE TIME I'M GOING TO EAT EVERY

ONE OF YOUR STAR WARS FIGURES.

NOW I'M GOING TO GO OVER HERE,

LICK MY ASS AND GO BACK TO

SLEEP.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU COME BY WITH THE TUBE,

I'LL BE CRAPPING OUT CHEWBACCA

IN 15 MINUTES."

[LAUGHTER]

MY DOG WOULD ALWAYS HAVE THE

LAST LAUGH THOUGH.

ANYTIME I WAS LATE FOR CURFEW.

I'D ALWAYS PUT MY CAR INTO

NEUTRAL.

THEN TURN OFF THE ENGINE.

THAT WAY YOUR CAR'S IN STEALTH

MODE.

RIGHT?

COASTED INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

UNDETECTED.

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

ALMOST MAKE IT TO MY BEDROOM

DOOR, UNDETECTED.

AND THAT'S USUALLY WHEN THE DOG

WOULD TURN THE CORNER.

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YEAH, I GUESS BARKING RIGHT NOW

WOULD KINDA SUCK, WOULDN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, DO-DO-DO, NOT SO FUNNY

NOW, IS IT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M STARTING TO LOSE MY MEMORY.

THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT THE OLDER

YOU GET YOU START TO LOSE YOUR

MEMORY.

I COULD TELL YOU, I COULD BE

WATCHING A TV SHOW FOR 45

MINUTES.

THEN DURING COMMERCIALS I START

FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS.

THEN I GOTTA STOP AND GO,

"WHAT THE HELL WAS I WATCHING?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES, I DON'T HAVE

A CLUE!

YOU GET TOO FAR FROM THAT RECALL

BUTTON YOU ARE SCREWED!

[LAUGHTER]

GOTTA TELL YOU THIS.

I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO.

I STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS

WAY TOO LONG.

I'M SURE AS A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.

BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES TO BREAK

UP, RIGHT?

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO.

YOU KNOW?

YOU LOVE SOMEBODY SO MUCH,

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I JUST

WANT THEM IN MY LIFE.

I JUST WANT THEM IN MY LIFE."

THEN FOUR MONTHS INTO DATING

THEM, YOU'RE LIKE "I HATE HOW

YOU EAT POPCORN.

I HATE YOU!

YOU SHOULD HAVE GOT YOUR OWN."

I JUST HATE BREAKING UP.

AND I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO START

A COMPANY WHERE YOU CAN HIRE US,

AND WE'LL BREAK UP FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT

NOTHING.

YOU HIRE MY TRAINED,

PROFESSIONAL STAFF.

WE SHOW UP WHERE YOUR SOON-TO-BE

EX WORKS WITH LIKE A CLIPBOARD.

"HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU JENNY?

HEY, LOOK IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S HIM.

SIGN RIGHT HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

YELLOW COPY'S YOURS.

THANK YOU.

I TELL YOU THIS, THOUGH.

WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

THAT'S WHEN GIRLS TALKED TO ME

AND THEY ASKED ME OUT AND THEY

FLIRTED WITH ME.

WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

WHEN YOU DON'T, NOTHIN'!

IT'S LIKE SOME SICK JOKE.

IT'S LIKE SOMEHOW YOU WOMEN

CAN SMELL IT ON A GUY.

AND IF WE SMELL SINGLE,

YOU'RE LIKE, "HELL, NO ONE ELSE

IS TAKING A CHANCE ON HIM.

WHY SHOULD I?"

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO START

A COMPANY.

RIGHT?

AND WE'RE GOING TO MAKE COLOGNE

FOR SINGLE GUYS.

BUT IT'S GOING TO SMELL LIKE

WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

HA-HA-HA, LADY!

[LAUGHTER]

SO BEFORE WE GO OUT, WE JUST

SPLASH A LITTLE ON, AND IT'LL

SMELL LIKE I'VE SPOONED WITH

SOMEBODY IN THE LAST WEEK OR SO.

AND THEN YOU LADIES WILL GO,

"OH, BUT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND."

AND I'LL GO, "HELL, SORTA!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WEARING "TAKEN."

[LAUGHTER, AND APPLAUSE]

John Heffron: I DON'T KNOW HOW

GUYS GO TO BARS AND MEET WOMEN

BECAUSE A LOT OF YOUNGER GUYS

MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

EVERY TIME I GO TO A BAR AND SEE

A GIRL I'M ATTRACTED TO, THERE'S

ONE GIRL I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

AND I LIKE TO CALL HER THE

"WE GOTTA GO" GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, EVERY GIRL HAS THE

"WE GOTTA GO" GIRL IN THE GROUP.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LADIES?

DON'T BRING HER WHEN YOU GO OUT

AT NIGHT!

OKAY?

BRING YOUR SLUTTY FRIENDS

WITH YA.

AND SEE, YOUNG GUYS MAKE THE

MISTAKE OF SEEING THE GIRL

THAT THEY LIKE, AND THAT'S

THE GIRL THAT THEY CHAT UP THE

ENTIRE NIGHT.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

YOU GOTTA FIND THE "WE GOTTA GO

GIRL" AND THAT'S THE ONE YOU

NEED TO BE POURING BOOZE DOWN

HER THROAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T BOX OUT HER FRIENDS.

YOU GOTTA WIN THE CROWD,

MAXIMUS.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THE WE-GOTTA-GO GIRL

IS THE GATEKEEPER.

[LAUGHTER]

THE YOUNG GUYS GOTTA REALIZE,

AT BARS, WOMEN ARE LIKE THE

MARINES.

THEY DON'T LEAVE ANYBODY BEHIND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

FOUR GIRLS GO INTO A BAR.

FOUR GIRLS ARE LEAVING THAT BAR.

RIGHT?

THREE COULD BE IN THE PARKING

LOT.

"WAIT THE MINUTE!

WHERE'S KIM?"

"SHE'S INSIDE!

I'LL SAVE HER!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

[KICKING NOISE]

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, WANNA DANCE?"

[WHACK]

[LAUGHTER]

"COME ON, KIM.

LET'S GO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

EVERY GUY'S BEEN IN THAT

SITUATION, TOO.

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO THE GIRL

YOU LIKE.

YOU PUT ABOUT THREE HOURS OF BAR

EQUITY INTO HER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HEAR LAST CALL, SO YOU KNOW

YOU GOTTA CALL A NO-HUDDLE

OFFENSE RIGHT THERE.

AND YOU START WORKING YOUR

MAGIC.

RIGHT AROUND THEN OUT OF THE

CORNER OF YOUR EYE YOU ALWAYS

SEE THE WE-GOTTA-GO GIRL COMING

AT YOU.

"NOOOOO!

WE'RE LEAVING."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN EVERY GIRL LOOKS

AT YOU, AND GOES, "UM, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I THINK MY FRIENDS ARE LEAVING.

HOLD ON.

LET ME JUST SEE WHAT THEY'RE

DOING.

MAYBE I CAN HANG FOR YOU WITH A

LITTLE BIT."

MAN, THAT VOTE HAS NEVER GONE

MY WAY EVER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ALWAYS WALK OVER THERE,

WALK BACK.

"YEAH.

SEE, I DIDN'T DRIVE.

SHE DROVE.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME

BY HERSELF.

AND HER CONTACTS ARE DRYING UP.

AND HER CONTACT SOLUTION IS IN

THE GLOVE BOX OF MY CAR,

WHICH IS AT HER HOUSE.

AND I HAVE TO WORK IN FOUR DAYS.

SO--

THANKS FOR THE BOOZE.

BYE-BYE."

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO START

A COMPANY.

[LAUGHTER]

CALLED THE THIRD WHEEL SHUTTLE

PICK-UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S AMAZING.

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN ON THE

DANCE FLOOR DANCING WITH A GIRL

AND HAD HER FRIEND JUST WALK

OVER AND JUST PULL HER AWAY FROM

ME.

GOING, "UH-UH, UH-UH, BYE-BYE."

AND YOU'RE LEFT JUST STANDING

THERE.

MAN!

THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IN

NOTHING, ONE GUY WOULD WALK OVER

TO ONE OF HIS BUDDIES DANCING

WITH A GIRL AND GO, "UH, EARL?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

I'M NOT WAITING UP ALL NIGHT

WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

COME ON.

WE'RE LEAVING."

IT'S ACTUALLY JUST THE OPPOSITE.

AND GUYS UNDERSTAND.

"HEY, BUDDY!

I MIGHT BE HOOKING UP TONIGHT.

YOU'RE WALKING!"

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

NOT ONE GUY WILL BITCH EITHER.

"ALL RIGHT!

YEAH!

IT'S ONLY 76 MILES.

IT'LL QUIT SNOWING."

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

MY-- HOO!

MY INSULIN'S IN YOUR GLOVE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

I'LL GET IT TOMORROW.

LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS."

John Heffron: I'M ORIGINALLY

FROM DETROIT, MICHIGAN.

AND I GOT A--

WHEW!

DETROIT.

AND, AH I GOT A CHANCE TO GO

HOME, RIGHT?

AND I SAW MY MOM.

AND I TOLD MY MOM, AT THE TIME

I NEEDED A HAIRCUT.

AND MY MA GOES, "OH, I'LL CUT

YOUR HAIR FOR YOU."

REALLY?

HMM.

I GOT PICTURES WHEN I WAS 11

THAT SAYS YOU CAN'T!

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT ABOUT 500 FIFTH GRADE

PHOTOS I COULDN'T HAND OUT

TO ANYBODY BECAUSE OF YOUR HACK

JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DO MOMS THINK THEY CAN

CUT HAIR WITH NO HAIRCUTTING

EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER?

MY MOM DIDN'T USE HAIRCUTTING

SCISSORS.

SHE'D JUST TO THE JUNK DRAWER,

PULL OUT THOSE ORANGE-HANDLE

JUNK DRAWER SCISSORS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SAME SCISSORS USED TO CUT PIZZA

AND CUT THE DOG CRAP OFF THE DOG

WHEN HE GOT MATTED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'D ALWAYS RUN AROUND

OUR HOUSE.

"MOM'S TRYING TO CUT OUR HAIR

WITH THE DINGLEBERRY SCISSORS

AGAIN!"

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YOU THIS.

I SAW MY DAD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY DAD IS THIS GUY.

AND IF YOU ARE THIS GUY,

DON'T BE THAT GUY.

HE DOES THIS.

WHILE YOU'RE HAVING A

CONVERSATION WITH HIM, FOR NO

REASON AT ALL HE JUST STARTS

BUSTING OUT INTO A GOLF SWING.

FOR NO--

FIRST OFF, WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT,

I NEVER KNOW WHETHER TO SHUT UP

SO THEY DON'T SHANK IT OR LET

'EM SWING.

AND WHY IS GOLF THE ONLY SPORT

YOU'RE ALLOWED TO PRETEND TO

PLAY WHILE YOU'RE HAVING A

CONVERSATION?

AND YOU'RE NOT LOOKED AT LIKE

YOU'RE A NUT JOB.

RIGHT?

ANY OTHER SPORT YOU'D BE A

FREAK.

IF YOU JUST BUSTED OUT,

"HEY, BOB.

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A LONG

TIME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HANG OUT A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH.

THAT'LL BE GOOD.

YEAH.

SHOULD COME BY THE HOUSE--"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M NOT A GOLFER.

I LIKE THE BEER CART GIRLS.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU.

IT WAS AWESOME BECAUSE I GOT TO

HAVE A CADDIE.

AND I'VE NEVER HAD A CADDIE

BEFORE, GOLFING.

AND IT WAS SWEET.

BECAUSE THE ENTIRE DAY THERE'S

SOMEBODY WALKING AROUND BEHIND

ME, MAKING DECISIONS FOR ME.

ANYTIME I GET IN A JAM I WOULD

JUST GO, "HEY, MAN, WHAT WOULD

YOU DO IN THIS PARTICULAR

SITUATION?"

AND THEN HE WOULD JUST LOOK

AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

THE WHOLE DAY I DIDN'T HAVE TO

MAKE ONE DECISION.

THIS MADE ME THINK.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO START

A COMPANY.

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

AND WE'RE GOING TO OFFER YOU

LIFE CADDIES.

SOMEBODY CAN JUST WALK BEHIND

YOU.

AND ANYTIME YOU CAN'T MAKE A

DECISION, YOU CAN DEFER TO THEM.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MAN.

I'M-- I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THIS

PARTICULAR SITUATION?"

[LAUGHTER]

"I DON'T KNOW.

I'D GO WITH THE STRIPPER WITHOUT

THE GLITTER."

HEY, THAT'S MY TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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