John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show
Season 2

Deon Cole, Moshe Kasher, Marina Franklin, Maria Bamford

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 03/31/2011

Deon Cole imagines opening up a black coffee shop, Moshe Kasher reveals the truth about Jim Morrison's grave, and Maria Bamford tries online dating.

FOR YOU TO ENJOY.

LET'S ALL AGREE ON ONE THING.

WE NEED HEROES,NEW YORK.

THE WAY THE WORLD IS,WE NEED HEROES.

SADLY THOUGH, THE WORD "HERO"HAS BECOME SO OVERUSED NOW

THAT IT'S ALMOST MEANINGLESS.

WE'VE DEVALUED THE TERM.

'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE GENUINEGROUP OF HEROES IN THE WORLD.

I THINK WE'D PROBABLYALL AGREE ON THAT.

ONLY ONE ABSOLUTEGROUP OF HEROES

WORTHY OF SUCHAN ELEVATED TERM,

AND THAT'S ATHLETES,OF COURSE.

(laughter)ATHLETES ARE THE ONLY HEROES.

WE HAVE ONLY ATHLETES.

ONLY ATHLETES DESERVETO BE CALLED HEROES

BECAUSE ONLY ATHLETESARE THAT.

WE SHOULDN'T BE ON THE SAMEPLANET AS THE ATHLETES.

WE SHOULD BE ON A SMALLER,LESS GOOD PLANET

SO THAT WE DON'T MAKETHEIR GROUND DIRTY.

(laughter)

THE PROBLEM IS, THOUGH,THAT ATHLETES DISAPPOINT US

WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR.

WE PUT THEM UP ON THESEPEDESTALS

THAT THEY 100% DESERVE.

I JUST WISHWE COULD MAKE THEM BIGGER,

BUT OUR FEEBLE HANDSCAN'T DO IT.

AND THEN THEIR BEHAVIORDISAPPOINTS US.

YOU KNOW, THEY EVADE TAX.THEY SEXUALLY ASSAULT PEOPLE.

THEY CARRY LOADED FIREARMSINTO NIGHTCLUBS

IN THEIR SWEAT PANTS.

THEY TAKE PHOTOS OF THEIR PENISON THEIR CELL PHONE

AND TEXT IT TO WOMENTHAT ARE NOT THEIR WIVES.

AND BY THE WAY, WHAT WE JUSTPUT BRETT FAVRE THROUGH

IS A TOTAL DISGRACE!

HE ISA PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE!

HE CANNOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLETO HIS ACTIONS!

SHAME ON US!

WHEN YOU GIVE SOMEONE LIKEBRETT FAVRE A CAMERA PHONE...

(laughter)

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTANDIT'S LIKE YOU'RE GIVING IT

TO A MEMBER OF A REMOTEUNDISCOVERED AMAZONIAN TRIBE.

YOU HAVE TO SAY TO HIM,BRETT, BRETT.

BRETT, LOOK AT ME, BRETT.LOOK AT ME, BRETT.

LOOK AT ME, BRETT.LOOK AT ME.

NOW, BRETT,THIS IS A CAMERA, BRETT,

THAT IS ALSO A PHONE,BRETT, OKAY?

LOOK AT ME, BRETT.DON'T GRAB AT IT.

DON'T GRAB AT THE PHONE, BRETT.I'M TALKING.

OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.DO YOU WANT IT?

DO YOU WANT IT?

SIT ON YOUR HANDS,BRETT.

(laughter)

THIS IS A CAMERA, BRETT,BUT IT'S ALSO A PHONE.

NOW, THE ONE THINGYOU MUST NOT DO, BRETT,

THE ONE THING IS USE THISTO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR PENIS

AND TEXT IT TO SOMEONETHAT IS NOT MRS. FAVRE, OKAY?

THAT'S THE--NOW WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, BRETT?YES, YOU DID, BRETT!

YES, YOU DID, BRETT!HOW DO I KNOW?

YOU TEXTED IT TO ME, BRETT!IT'S ON MY PHONE, BRETT!

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY PHONE,BRETT!

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY PHONE,BRETT!

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY PHONE,BRETT!

GONNA DO SOME JOKESFOR YOU ALL.

(laughter)

HOPEFULLY, YOU LIKE THEM.

IF YOU DON'T,I DON'T LIVE AROUND HERE.

SO I DON'T CARE.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(laughter)

I'M GONNA OPEN UPA BLACK COFFEE SHOP.

'CAUSE I WENT IN STARBUCKSTHE OTHER DAY,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHATTHE NAME OF THOSE COFFEES IS

LIKE THE MACCATACCAFLACCOAND ALL THAT.

SO I'M GONNA OPEN UPA BLACK COFFEE SHOP,

AND I'M GONNA NAME THE COFFEESAFTER STUFF

BLACK PEOPLECAN IDENTIFY WITH.

I'M JUST GONNA CALL ITBLACKBUCKS, FORGET IT.

HEY, BROTHER,WELCOME TO BLACKBUCKS.

CAN WE TAKE YOUR ORDER?

YEAH, LET ME GET A DON CHEADLE,TWO WESLEY SNIPES,

FOUR AKONS,AND LET ME GET A LITTLE RICHARD.

NO SUGAR IN MY LITTLE RICHARD.IT SHOULD BE SWEET ENOUGH.

(laughter)

WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?

MAKE THAT A WHITNEY HOUSTON.

WE ALL OUT.

ALL RIGHT,JUST MAKE IT A PRECIOUS.

(audience groans)

(laughter and applause)

SHE AIN'T REAL.

(laughter)

MICHAEL JACKSON DIED.THAT WAS SAD.

LIKE, I WAS WATCHINGHIS FUNERAL ON TV, AND MY SON--

HE WAS 7 AT THE TIME

SO HE AIN'T TOO FAMILIARWITH MICHAEL JACKSON.

AND SO THEY HAD A PICTUREOF MICHAEL JACKSON ON THE SCREEN

AND MY SON CAME IN,HE WAS LIKE,

"DADDY, WHO'S THAT?"AND I SAID, "MICHAEL JACKSON."

THEN THEY SHOWEDANOTHER PICTURE OF MIKE,

AND MY SON WAS LIKE,"DADDY, WHO'S THAT?"

AND I SAID, "MICHAEL JACKSON."

THEN THEY SHOWEDANOTHER PICTURE OF MIKE,

AND MY SON WAS LIKE,"DADDY, WHO'S THAT?"

AND I SAID,"MICHAEL JACKSON,"

AND HE WAS LIKE,"YOU'RE KIDDING ME."

I WAS LIKE, "IT IS MIKE.I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DO THAT.

GO TO BED.I DON'T KNOW."

I TURNED TO "ROSEANNE.'

HE WAS LIKE,"IS THIS MICHAEL JACKSON, TOO?"

(laughter)

DOES YOUR RACE EVERLET YOU DOWN SOMETIMES?

(laughs)

Y'ALL, LIKE,"COME WITH THE JOKE."

(laughter)

NO, MY RACELETS ME DOWN SOMETIMES.

I KNOW WHITE PEOPLE,

I KNOW THAT YOUR RACELETS YOU DOWN SOMETIMES.

LIKE, YOU PROBABLY SEESOME TRAILER PARK STUFF

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH GOD,WHY THEY HAVE TO DO THAT?"

THAT'S HOW I FEEL, TOO,SOMETIMES

BUT I FEEL THAT WAYWHEN I WATCH "FAMILY FEUD."

(laughter)

BLACK PEOPLE LET ME DOWNON FAMILY FEUD.

LIKE, ONE TIME THEY HADA BLACK FAMILY

AND A WHITE FAMILY ON THERE,RIGHT,

AND THEY WAS AT THE PODIUM,AND THE HOST IS LIKE,

"NAME A WORD WITHTHE WORD 'HOOD' IN IT,"

AND THE WHITE FAMILY HIT IT,AND SHE WAS LIKE, "CHILDHOOD,"

AND THEY WAS LIKE,"SHOW US 'CHILDHOOD,'"

AND HE WAS LIKE NUMBER THREE.

SO THE BLACK FAMILYGET A CHANCE TO STEAL, RIGHT?

AND THIS (bleep)GONNA SAY, "IN THE 'HOOD."

(laughter)

"SHOW US 'IN THE 'HOOD'."(imitates buzzer)

I'M LIKE, "DUMB ASS,THAT'S A SENTENCE."

(laughter)

I HAD SEX WITH THIS GIRLLAST MONTH,

AND I WAS LIKE,"YOU LIKE THAT?"

SHE WAS LIKE,"I DON'T FEEL NOTHING."

I WAS LIKE,"YES, YOU DO FEEL THAT."

SHE WAS LIKE,"I DON'T FEEL NOTHING.

ARE YOU IN THE ROOM?

I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF YOU'RE IN THE ROOM OR NOT."

I'M LIKE, "I AM IN THE ROOM!I KNOW YOU FEEL THAT!

I KNOW YOU DO!I KNOW YOU DO!"

SHE WAS LIKE,"I DON'T FEEL NOTHING!

THANK YOU."

I WAS LIKE, HELL, NO,SHE WAS JUST TELLING ME THAT

SO I COULD HAVE SEXWITH HER HARDER.

SHE BROUGHT OUT THE BESTIN ME.

(laughter)

(laughter)

I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL SOMETHINGWHERE 'ALL CAN KEEP

Y'ALL RELATIONSHIPS TOGETHER,TOO, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S THIS THINGTHAT I RAN ACROSS.

IT'S CALLED A--

IT'S CALLEDA VIBRATING (bleep) RING.

(light laughter)

IT'S WONDERFUL.

I'M SERIOUS.LIKE, IT'S THIS THING, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE THIS RING,AND IT'S GOT THIS SILVER BULLET

ON THE TOP OF THE RING.

YOU PUT IT ON YOUR PENIS,AND IT'S A RING UP THERE TOO,

AND IT VIBRATES, BUT YOU'REDOING TWO THINGS AT ONCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND LIKE, FELLAS,DON'T JUST GET THE ONE

THAT VIBRATES,GET THE ONE WITH THE CORD

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SPEEDYOUR GIRL LIKE, YOU KNOW?

BE LIKE--(low-pitched) HOOOO...

(high-pitched)OOHHH...

(low-pitched) OOHH.

GOTTA GET THE ONEWITH THE CORD.

(laughter)

AND, LADIES, I GUARANTEE YOU5 CLIMAXES IN 15 MINUTES.

I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

MY GIRL,SHE CLIMAXED SO MUCH,

WHEN SHE GOT UPTO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

SHE WAS JUST POP-LOCKINGALL THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.

(laughter and applause)

SHE DROPPED DOWNAND I LIFT HER SHIRT BACK UP.

LIKE, COME ON.

(laughter and applause)

I BRING YOU A LOVELYGREETING FROM CALIFORNIA

(scattered cheers)THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM.THANK YOU.

WHERE WE RECENTLY FAILEDTO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA

BECAUSE THE XBOX DOES NOT HAVEA "VOTE HERE" FUNCTION.

(laughter)

I'M NOT ANTI-MARIJUANA.I AM NOT.

I VOTED TO LEGALIZE IT.

I THINK IT SHOULD BECOMPLETELY LEGAL.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL SMOKE ITTOGETHER

AND FAIL TO THRIVEAS A COMMUNITY.

I'M ON BOARD.

I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSIONTHAT PART OF THE PROCESS

OF BECOMING AN ADULT ISADMITTING TO YOURSELF

THAT THE DOORSWERE A (bleep) BAND.

(applause)

DID YOU BOO?YOU ARE WRONG.

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK THATJIM MORRISON WAS PROBABLY

LIKE THE WORST PERSON YOUCOULD EVER MEET AT A PARTY EVER,

JUST SOME PLUNGING-NECKLINED,LEATHER-PANTED JACKASS

LIKE, "LET ME TELL YOUABOUT MY EXPERIENCES

ON MESCALINE IN THE DESERT."

UM, SCURRY BACK TO BURNING MANWITH YOUR STATUTORY-RAPE TALES.

NO ONE CARES.

(laughter and applause)

I SAID THAT TO A YOUNG LADY--

TO A YOUNG HIPPIE LADY,SHE GOT SUPER UPSET.

SHE'S LIKE, "DON'T YOU TALKABOUT JIM MORRISON!

HE'S LIKE A GOD TO ME!I VISITED HIS GRAVE."

I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL--

NOT A THING TO BRAGABOUT IN PUBLIC.

SECOND OF ALL,NOT A TRUE STORY

BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE A GRAVEBECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO KNOW THEBACKSTORY

OF JIM MORRISON'S GRAVEWHICH IS THIS--

HE USED TO HAVE A GRAVE.

HE USED TO BE BURIEDIN THIS FAMOUS PARISIAN,

FRENCH CEMETERY WHERE TONSOF FRENCH LUMINARIES ARE BURIED

AND OSCAR WILDE AND STUFF,

AND THEY BURIED HIM THEREAS AN HONORIFIC,

BUT SO MANY ANNOYING HIPPIESWENT TO HIS GRAVE

ON PILGRIMAGE TO, LIKE,LIGHT A NAG CHAMPA OFFERING

OR DO A HULA HOOP PERFORMANCEOR WHATEVER

IT IS THAT HIPPIES DOTO HONOR THEIR DEAD

THAT THEY EXHUMED HIS BODYAND MOVED IT

TO AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION,

TO A PLACE WHERE A HIPPIECOULD NEVER FIND IT,

LIKE A SHOWER.

(laughter)

OR UNDERNEATHA STACK OF JOB APPLICATIONS.

(laughter)

A GOOD CONCERTWITH A GOOD BAND,

A PLACE WHERE THEYJUST COULDN'T ENTER.

"I WANT IN."

SHE WAS LIKE, "OKAY, FINE.TOUCHé, TOUCHé."

SHE KNEW THE WORD "TOUCHé"'CAUSE SHE HAD BEEN TO FRANCE.

SHE WAS LIKE, "TOUCHé.

"I DIDN'T GO TO HIS GRAVEBUT I WENT TO THE SPACE WHERE

"HIS GRAVE USED TO HAVE BEENAND THERE WAS THIS CAT THERE.

"THERE WAS A CAT.

"I WENT AT NIGHT,THE CAT WAS THERE.

"CAME BACK THE NEXT MORNING,CAT'S STILL THERE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?"

I WAS LIKE, "NO,I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU?"

SHE'S LIKE, "THAT CATWAS JIM MORRISON."

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZEDI COULD (bleep) THAT GIRL.

(laughter)

AND SO I DID.

(laughter and applause)

HI. I [bleep] GIRLS, BY THE WAY.SURPRISE, EVERYBODY.

(laughter)

PEOPLE TEND NOT TO BELIEVE MEWHEN I TELL THEM THAT.

NOT HERE IN NEW YORK, OBVIOUSLY,OR IN L.A. WHERE I'M FROM,

BUT IN THE MIDDLE PARTOF THE COUNTRY,

THE KIND OF UUCHPART OF THE COUNTRY,

THE KIND OF GROSS,YUCK PART OF THE COUNTRY.

IT'S WORSE THAN YOU THINK,IT'S MUCH WO--BASICALLY,

WHEN I STEP EAST OF LOS ANGELES,IT'S JUST BANJO MUSIC

ALL THE WAY TO NEW YORK,

WHERE JAY-Z GREETS MEWITH A TOP HAT,

(cheers and applause)A LITTLE MONOCLE.

A PEANUT BODY.

JAY-Z IS THE PLANTERS PEANUT.

NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

ANYWAY, WHY CAN'T WE JUSTSEPARATE OUT COMPLETELY?

I'M ONLY INTERESTED INTHE OUTER DOUGHNUT OF AMERICA.

BASICALLY,THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD PART.

CAN'T WE JUST SEPARATE IT OUTCOMPLETELY?

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY LIKE US.

THEY'RE NOT CLAMORING TO GET TOTHE COAST AND GET TO A GAY CLUB.

THEY DON'T LIKE US.WE DON'T LIKE THEM.

I PROPOSE THAT WE GET A HUGEJACK-O-LANTERN CARVING KNIFE

BUT, I MEAN, A BIG, BIG ONE,

ONE THAT ONLY GOD'S FISTCOULD WRAP AROUND,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS THE NAMEOF MY BLACK METAL BAND,

IF ANYBODY'S INTERESTED.

AND WE GIVE IT TO GOD,AND HE'S A JEW, SO HE'S LIBERAL.

HE'S ON BOARD WITH MY PLAN.

AND HE STABS INTO THECONTINENTAL SHELF

OF THE UNITED STATES AND STARTSCARVING US UP A NEW COUNTRY,

IT'S AMAZING, AND THENWHAT WE DO WHEN HE GETS DONE--

BACK TO THIS CENTERAND WE CORE OUT THE MIDDLE,

THE DOUGHNUT HOLE OR THE(bleep) HOLE, IF YOU WILL,

IS THAT WE DUNK THEMUNDERNEATH THE OCEAN,

NOT TO KILL THEM

BUT JUST TO TEACH THEMA LESSON.

(laughter)

AND THENWE WILL THEN FLOAT IT OVER HERE,

WHERE WE WILL ALLOW ITTO RESURFACE

AND WE WILL BUILD A HIGHWAY,A CORRIDOR OF TRADE

TO IMPORT THINGSLIKE BANJOES AND MOONSHINE

AND TWIRLY MUSTACHESFOR OLD-TIMER HIPSTER BANDS.

(applause)

AND NOW THE BEST PARTOF MY PLAN--

THE WHOLE DOUGHNUT STATES

OF AMERICA IS ALLBEACHFRONT PROPERTY.

NOW THAT MIGHT NOT MEANVERY MUCH TO US,

US SELFISH COASTAL PRICKS,

BUT THERE'S SOMEONEIN DENVER WHO'S REALLY

GONNA APPRECIATE THE WORKWE DID HERE TONIGHT.

(applause)THAT IS MY TREATISE.

IF YOU ENJOY THAT JOKE,YOU'RE CORRECT.

(laughter)

IF YOU DID NOT,ENJOY YOUR TRIP TO NEW YORK.

I LIKE THE LITTLE ONES.

(laughter,scattered cheers)

YES, I DO LIKE THOSE LITTLEONES.

YES, I DO.

UH... MMM.

I AM OFFICIALLY A COUGAR.

HE'S YOUNG AND WHITE.

SO I'M NOT JUST A COUGAR,I'M A BLACK PANTHER.

(laughter)

YOUNG AND WHITE, AND HE WANTS METO MEET HIS MAMA.

THAT'S GONNA BE A SITUATION.

(laughter)

'CAUSE HE HAS TO TELL HERTWO THINGS.

HE HAS TO TELL HER I'M OLDER,AND I'M BLACK.

I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HER.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA TELL HER.

(whispers) "I GOTYOUR BABY BOY!"

(laughter)

I'M JOKING.I MET HER.

I JUST LOVE THAT JOKETHE WAY I WROTE IT.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE CHANGING IT,SO...

(laughter)

NO, THEY WERE VERY NICE.I MEAN, EVERYONE WAS NICE.

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS,AND THEY KNEW I WAS COMING.

THEY WERE PREPARED.

THEY PUT THEIR STUFF AWAY.

(laughter)

(laughs) EVERYONE WAS NICE,WHICH ACTUALLY BOTHERED ME,

YOU KNOW,'CAUSE I KINDA LIKE TO--

YOU KNOW, TO GET WEIRDAND CRAZY AND AWKWARD

LIKE, I WAS TOO NICEFOR A COMIC.

LIKE, I WANTED TO REPRESENT,YOU KNOW, ACT A FOOL.

I WANTED TO GO IN THEREAND BE LIKE,

YO, WHAT'S UP, (bleep)?WHAT'S UP?

WHERE'S THE SWEET POTATOES, HUH?WHERE'S THE SWEET POTATOES?

GOT MY BABY BOY RIGHT HERE?UH-UH!

(laughter)

BY THE WAY, YOU'RE NOTA BLACK COMIC UNTIL YOU DO THIS.

UH-UH! (laughs)

BUT I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T DO THAT.

I BEHAVED, YOU KNOW.

HIS MOM IS ACTUALLYVERY FUNNY, TOO.

SHE'S NICE.SHE'S A GIFT GIVER.

SHE WATCHES QVC A LOT.

SHE GAVE METHIS LIP PLUMPER.

(laughter)

MM-HMM.

SUPPOSED TO MAKEYOUR LIPS BIGGER.

(laughter)

DO I HAVE TO EXPLAINWHY THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE?

YOU KNOW, MY MANAGER...UM... HE ASKED ME...

MY MANAGER WAS SAYING

THAT IT MIGHT BE TIMEFOR ME TO GET BOTOX,

AND I SAID,OH, I DON'T KNOW...

(laughter)

I'M KINDA STILL USINGMY FACE.

THERE'S SO MUCHLEFT TO EXPLORE.

(laughter)

RR...AGH.

(chuckles)I-I--

IS THIS NO LONGER RELEVANT?

(laughter and applause)

FOOD IS SO FANCY NOW.

ALL THE RESTAURANTS YOU GO IN,AND THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPENTO THE FOOD.

"OH, WE'RE GONNA TERRIFYTHE BEEF.

"THEN WE'RE GONNA SHOVE IT UPNEXT TO SOME CARROTS

"THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP.

THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO ESCAPE,

BUT THERE'S A TSUNAMI OF BOOZEJUICE COMING AT THEM."

IT'S LIKE,I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ALL THAT.

ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS DOESTHAT SHAPE FIT IN HERE?

(laughter)

HOW DO I GET THAT LITTLEGENTLEMAN

INTO THE MUNCHING CAVE?

(laughter)

(grunting)

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

(laughter)

MY FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS TRYINGTO CONVINCE ME HOW EASY IT IS

TO COOK BUT NOT ANY EASIERTHAN NOT COOKING.

(laughter and applause)

"MARIA, NO, JUST GET LIKEA REALLY GOOD VIRGIN OLIVE OIL."

(grunts)

GIRLS SCOUT COOKIES,PIECE OF HAM.

(laughter)EH?

"NO, JUST CUT UP JUST LIKEA COUPLE OF VEGETABLES."

(shudders)SQUEEZY CHEESE ON FINGER.

CAN OF WINE.

(laughter)

AH!

"JUST PREHEAT THE--"AAGGH!

HOT POWER BARFROM GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

(laughter)MM. MM.

I, UH--GETTING READY FOR IT.

I USED TO BE AFRAID OF,YOU KNOW, RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU KNOW,SOMEBODY'D ASKED ME OUT,

I'D SAY, "JUST TAKE MY PURSE.DON'T HURT ME."

"NO, I WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU.""I HAVE NOTHING OF VALUE!"

(laughter)

"OH, I JUST WANNA GET TO--""WHO SENT YOU?"

I HAVE--I GET JEALOUS OF PEOPLEWHO ARE REALLY CONFIDENT

IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS,YOU KNOW,

PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE,"YEAH, WE BOTH MET.

WE BOTH JUST KINDA KNEW."

(shuddering groan)

SO YOU DON'T EVER--

YOU DON'T EVER FIGHTABOUT ANYTHING?

"OH... (laughs)

HE DOESN'T LIKE ONIONS."

(laughter)

(groans)

YOU NEVER HAD ANY ISSUESYOU HAD TO WORK THROUGH

WITH, LIKE,A FREAKING WORKBOOK?

YOU KNOW, IF I WERE YOU,I'D WATCH OUT FOR RED FLAGS.

OH, O-OKAY.

BUT WHAT IF I'M LIKEA FLAG FACTORY

THAT ONLY MANUFACTURESGIANT RED FLAGS?

(imitates flag flapping)

"MAYBE YOU NEED TO LEARNTO BE THE ONE

BEFORE YOU MEET THE ONE."

WAS THAT BOB DYLAN?

(laughter)

"HEY, GOOD LUCK."

YEAH.

GOOD LUCKWITH WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

MERLINDA MAGICIAN WITH YOUR BOOKOF SPELLS AND POTIONS!

(laughter)

DATING ON THE INTERNET,I ALWAYS GET INTIMIDATED

'CAUSE SOME OF THE GUYSARE SO ACTIVE ON THERE,

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE,YOU KNOW,

"I CAN STRAP ON A CUMMERBUND

"AND GO TO THEDINNER PARTY BALLET STEAKHOUSE

"OR I CAN HOG-TIE US BOTHAND RIDE THE RAILS.

"I WORK HARD. I PLAY HARDER.I'LL REST WHEN I'M DEAD.

I'LL REST WHEN I'M TEDAND I'LL NEVER BE THAT GUY!"

(laughter)

"GOT YOUR PASSPORT?LET'S GO PARASAIL-GLIDE-BIKING."

TRYING TO BE HONESTWITH WHO I AM.

MY CURRENT AD READS"I CAN WEAR THE SAME OUTFIT

"FOR FIVE DAYS OR I CAN CROUCHNAKED IN THE SHOWER

AND GET REAL SMALL."

(laughter)

"I SLEEP HARD,I DREAM HARDER!"

(laughter)

"I'M ON A 20-MILE-HIGHROLLER COASTER

"WITH MY DOGS AND KOFI ANNAN.

I'LL WAKE UP WHEN IT'S TIME!"

(laughter)

"GOT YOUR LIBRARY CARD?

"LET'S GO PAY OFFSOME OF MY FINES.

'CAUSE I DON'T BORROW BOOKS.I LEASE."

THAT'S SO WONDERFUL.

SO--I FEEL SO BELOVED...

BY SHOW BUSINESS.

(normal voice)UM, OKAY, YES.

RECENTLY I BOUGHT A HOUSEFOR A DOLLAR.

AND I'M KIND OF BADABOUT THAT.

MY NEIGHBOR IS SUPER NICE.

NEIGHBOR CARLOS CAME OVER,HE SAID,

"I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND LIVINGNEXT TO A MEXICAN

'CAUSE WE LEAVE (bleep)ON OUR LAWN."

I SAID, "WELL, IF WE'RE GONNATALK IN STEREOTYPES,

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND LIVINGNEXT TO A WHITE LADY

'CAUSE I'M GONNA STEALTHAT (bleep)."

(laughter)

MANIFEST DESTINY,IT'S KIND OF ALREADY MINE.

(laughs)

(applause)

(laughter)

I'M TRYING TO LEARNSOME SPANISH.

I WENT UP TO A MEETUP GROUP,BUT NOBODY WAS A NATIVE SPEAKER,

SO WE END UP SPEAKINGTHIS SORT OF PRETEND SPANISH,

LIKE, "AY-YI-YI.

(Spanish-sounding gibberish)

(rolls Rs)

(laughter)

TURNS OUT I'M PRETTY GOODAT PRETEND LANGUAGES.

WORKING ONA LITTLE PRETEND SWAHILI.

(clicks tongue)

TRYING TO LOSE MY ACCENT,AND UH...

(laughter)

PRETTY MUCH FLUENTIN PRETEND TIGER.

(snarling softly)

(laughter)

JUST ASKED WHERE I CAN GETSOME FROSTED FLAKES

'CAUSE THAT'SWHAT TIGERS EAT.

(laughter)

MY NEIGHBOR'S KID CAME OVER,AND HE SAID,

(Spanish accent)"I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU,

"I DON'T KNOWIF YOU UNDERSTAND IT

"'CAUSE IT'S TRANSLATEDFROM SPANISH BUT--

"SO THIS GUY IS RIDING A BUSIN MEXICO CITY, RIGHT?

"AND HE'S SITTING DOWNAND THEN THIS WOMAN

"IS STANDING UP ABOVE HIMAND SHE HASN'T SHAVED HER ARMPIT

"SO IT'S ALL HAIRY, RIGHT?

AND HE'S JUST STARINGIN HER ARMPIT, STARING.

"SHE SAYS, 'STOP DOING THAT.STOP DOING'--

"HE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.

I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW YOU GOTYOUR LEG UP THAT HIGH.'"

(laughter)

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GET IT

'CAUSE IT'S TRANSLATEDFROM THE SPANISH."

(laughter)

SI, YO COMPRENDO.

ENTIENDO ES UNIVERSALE.

(laughter)

GRACIAS, MI AMOR.

(applause)

MUCHAS,MUCHAS GRACIAS.

A GOOD FEELING,AND I THINK IT FEELS LIKE--

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN ATHIRD-WORLD SHANTYTOWN AT NIGHT

AND YOU'RE TERRIFIEDAND YOU SEE THE GLOWING LOGO

OF AN INTERNATIONALCONGLOMERATE IN THE DISTANCE,

AND YOU JUST FEEL LIKE,(breathes deeply)

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

(laughter)

SOMEONE'S LOOKING OUTFOR US.

MY MOM IS VERY RELIGIOUS,AND SHE SAID,

"WHATEVER YOU THINKABOUT ALL THE TIME,

THAT'S WHAT YOU WORSHIP."

OH...

(laughter)

IF THAT'S THE CASE,

I'D LIKE EVERYONE TO POP OPENTHEIR DIET COKE CANS

AND TURN TO PAGE 37OF THEIR PEOPLE MAGAZINES!

(cheers and applause)

IN THIS HOLY SCRIPTURE,

WE READ THE PARABLEOF MS. VALERIE BERTINELLI.

ONCE ON TELEVISION,THEN LOST TO POP CULTURE.

NOW WELCOME BACKINTO THE ZEITGEIST AGAIN,

AND THE WORST DRESSEDSHALL BE THE BEST DRESSED,

AND THE BEST DRESSEDSHALL BE THE WORST DRESSED.

(cheers and applause)

YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING,THOUGH,

'CAUSE THERE'SSO MUCH PRESSURE THESE DAYS,

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS ASKINGYOU THINGS LIKE,

WHAT ARE YOU WORKINGON THESE DAYS?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?WHAT'S YOUR CURRENT PROJECT?

WHAT'S ON YOUR PLATE THESE DAYS?WHAT'S COMING UP WITH YOU?

WHAT'S ON THE NEXT PAGE?WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

(laughter)OH...

OH, I'M DONE.

(laughter and applause)YEAH.

(chuckles nervously)

I FINISHED EARLY.(chuckles)

I'M ACTUALLY LIVINGIN A GRAVY BOAT...

(laughter)

FILLED WITH TASTY GRAVY.

I'M TRYING TO BRINGTHE TENSION OF REALITY SHOWS

INTO MY EVERYDAY REALITY.

I JUST FINISHED A FULL SEASONOF "PROJECT RUNWAY"

WITH MY TWO DOGS.

BLOSSOM. (snorts)

YOU'RE FUNNY,AND YOU'RE CUTE, BUT...

(snorts) YOU PEE ON EVERYTHING.

BUT... (snorts)YOU'RE BLIND.

AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR BUTTIN OUR FACE, AND YOU FART.

MARIA...

(shuddering breaths)

YOU SAY ARE TRYING,BUT YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT.

(laughter)

BLOSSOM.(snorts) YOU'RE IN.

MARIA, YOU'RE OUT.CONGRATULATIONS.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN.(kisses)

(applause)OH... OH...

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