Reep, Mintz, Fowler, Lampanelli

  • Season 8, Ep 0804
  • 03/03/2005

THE PAPER IT SAID, "SMOKE POT,

GET PAID."

[LAUGHTER]

Male Audience Member: YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Jamie Kennedy: YES, SIR,

I KNOW YOU APPLIED.

RIGHT OVER HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU GOOF OFF ON A JOB

LIKE THAT?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[SUCKING NOISE]

HEY, BRO...

HERE COMES THE BOSS.

LOOK BUSY.

[SUCKING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

HOW YA DOIN', SIR?

[EXHALES SMOKE]

OH, YOU WANT TO ME TO WORK

OVERTIME?

OKAY.

[SUCKING SMOKE CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

[EXHALES SMOKE]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

OH, THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

WHAT DO YOU DO ON YOUR

LUNCH BREAK, ACID?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO YOU MOVE UP IN A JOB

LIKE THAT?

DOES THE BOSS SAY, JOHNSON,

I LIKE YOUR STYLE.

YOU GOT GOOD LUNGS.

I'M MOVIN' YOU OVER TO PCP.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S UP NEW YORK?

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

YEAH.

YEAH.

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL

RIGHT OFF THE BAT,

BUT I'M NOT FROM THE CITY.

ANY CITY.

[LAUGHTER]

PICK A CITY.

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ORIGINALLY FROM A

LITTLE TOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA

CALLED--

AH, HEY.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HICKORY?

[APPLAUSE]

NO WAY, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

HICKORY'S OKAY.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE WHEN--

I KNEW I WAS DESTINED TO BE

LIKE A REDNECK, YOU KNOW WHEN

YOUR TOWN'S NAME CONTAINS THE

WORD "HICK".

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST NAME IT

"HILLBILLERY"?

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, WELCOME TO "REDNECKERY".

GROW OUT YOUR MULLET AND LIVE

IN THE "TRAILERPARKERY".

AH-HA-HA!

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE THINK,

MAN.

IT'S TRUE.

I LIVE IN L.A. NOW.

AND IT IS NOT EASY LIVING IN

L.A. AND BEING FROM THE SOUTH.

PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET THAT

IDEA.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHEN THEY HEAR MY ACCENT

FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU KNOW,

I CAN TELL THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME

AND THEY'RE JUST WAITIN' FOR ME

TO SAY SOMETHING YOU KNOW,

LIKE WHAT ARE SHOES FOR?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M FROM A SMALL TOWN, YOU KNOW.

AND IF YOU'RE FROM A SMALL TOWN,

YOU GOT TO LEARN TO BE

ENTERTAINED BY THE SIMPLE THINGS

IN LIFE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE

BURGER KING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT WRONG,

EITHER.

IT'S NOT A BURGER KING,

LIKE THERE MIGHT BE SEVERAL.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THERE'S THE

BURGER KING.

[GASPS]

WHOO!

WE USED TO TERRORIZE OUR

BURGER KING, MAN.

WE DID.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WENT

THROUGH THEIR DRIVE-THRU.

AND ON THE MENU OF THE

DRIVE-THRU THEY HAD A SIGN UP

THERE SAID "INTERCOM BROKE,

PLEASE DRIVE AROUND".

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T WE ALREADY DO THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

WE GOT TIRED OF THAT SIGN.

SO WE MADE UP OUR OWN SIGN,

PUT IT UP THERE WHEN NOBODY

WAS LOOKIN' TO READ

"INTERCOM BROKE, PLEASE SHOUT

YOUR ORDER".

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE PULL UP LIKE THIS.

THEY WANT ME TO SHOUT MY ORDER?

[LAUGHTER]

I WANT A NUMBER 3!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT SAYS SHOUT.

[LAUGHTER]

MAN, WE HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH

THAT ONE.

AFTER WHILE WE JUST STARTED

MAKIN' UP ALL KINDS OF RANDOM

SIGNS JUST TO SEE HOW FAR PEOPLE

WOULD TAKE IT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE FREE WHOPPER IF

YOU CAN LAY A PATCH OF TIRE

RUBBER FROM HERE TO THE SECOND

WINDOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH...

[SOUND OF TIRES SCREECHING]

[LAUGHTER]

HI.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?

HUH?

LOOKS LIKE A WHOPPER TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

TO DINNER AND I HEARD THAT

WOMEN LIKE IT WHEN YOU ORDER

FOR THEM.

SO I WAS LIKE, I'LL HAVE THE

SPECIAL.

AND SHE'S NOT GETTING ANYTHING

TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE TO BE ROMANTIC WITH WOMEN

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT

MY VOICE THAT KIND OF RUINS IT.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT I'LL BE LIKE, "YOU LOOK

REALLY BEAUTIFUL IN THE

MOONLIGHT TONIGHT".

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU GONNA

RAPE ME?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY PARENTS ARE GETTING OLD AND

SICK.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO PUT THEM

IN A NURSING HOME.

I FEEL REALLY BAD, THOUGH

'CAUSE I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS

AND I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A

NURSING HOME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW THIS GIRL IN A WHEELCHAIR

GIVE A SPEECH.

IT WAS A REALLY GREAT SPEECH,

REALLY INSPIRATIONAL.

AT THE END EVERYONE GAVE HER A

STANDING OVATION.

I DON'T KNOW IF A STANDING

OVATION IS REALLY THE BEST WAY

TO HONOR SOMEONE IN A

WHEELCHAIR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S OKAY FOR ME TO MAKE FUN

OF HANDICAPPED PEOPLE.

WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD,

I HAD TO DO A SCIENCE PROJECT

BUT MY DAD JUST DID IT FOR ME.

I DIDN'T CONTRIBUTE AT ALL.

I THINK THE TEACHER KIND OF

FIGURED OUT WHEN THE PROJECT

WAS CALLED "IS MY WIFE CHEATING

ON ME?"

[LAUGHTER]

REALLY NICE GUITAR.

I DON'T ACTUALLY PLAY THE GUITAR

BUT I HAVE THREE TESTICLES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TODAY WAS A SAD DAY.

WE HAD TO PULL THE PLUG ON MY

GRANDMOTHER 'CAUSE I NEEDED

THE OUTLET FOR MY LAPTOP.

[LAUGHTER]

THE OTHER DAY I THOUGHT I LOST

MY 14th CENTURY JAPANESE SAMURAI

ARMOR.

TURNS OUT I WAS WEARING IT THE

WHOLE TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

MY GRANDFATHER WAS ACTUALLY A

HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR.

AND YOU CAN TELL THAT IT REALLY

EFFECTED HIM BECAUSE TO THIS DAY

HE STILL WILL NOT WALK INTO A

GAS CHAMBER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN MY FRIEND'S GERMAN.

HIS GRANDPARENTS ACTUALLY HID

A JEW IN THEIR ATTIC DURING

WORLD WAR II.

THEY LIVED IN NEW JERSEY.

[LAUGHTER]

I STILL THINK IT'S PRETTY

ADMIRABLE.

[APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE

REALLY CONFUSING IS IF YOU'RE

PERFORMING AN ABORTION AND

SOMEONE RAN IN YELLING,

"ABORT, ABORT!"

[LAUGHTER]

PLEASE OVERLOOK IT.

TO RELAX BEFORE THE SHOW I

SLAMMED A LITTLE HEROIN.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE DONE A

LITTLE TOO MUCH.

NEW YORK I HAVE TO SHARE

SOMETHING WITH YOU.

I WAS WALKIN' PASSED THE

NEWSSTAND TODAY AND I SAW THE

"NATIONAL ENQUIRER" AND THE

HEADLINE SAID, "ROSIE O'DONNELL

BREAKS THE FINAL BARRIER AND

TELLS HER KIDS SHE'S A LESBIAN".

AND THAT HEADLINE FASCINATED ME

BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW ROSIE

O'DONNELL'S KIDS WERE BLIND

AND DEAF.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M THINKING THAT THE KIDS'

RESPONSE WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING

LIKE, "YEAH.

WE GOT IT.

THE BOWL CUT AND THE FLANNEL

SHIRT WITH THE SLEEVES RIPPED

OUT CLUED US IN."

OH, I KID ROSIE.

I RECENTLY JOINED A GYM.

AND OH MY GOD, PEOPLE.

IS THAT A--

OH, I HAVE SUCH A DILEMMA.

THERE IS A GUY AT MY GYM WITH

NO LEGS.

AND I FEEL REALLY AWKWARD

AROUND HIM EVERY TIME I SEE HIM,

YOU KNOW.

SO I TRIED TO MAKE A CONNECTION.

I SAID, HEY, DAN...

WORKING ON ARMS AGAIN TODAY?

[LAUGHTER]

OH, OH, OH IT WAS AWFUL.

SO STUPID, YOU KNOW.

AND I'LL TELL YA SOMETHING,

DAN MAY NOT HAVE ANY LEGS,

BUT HE MAKES UP FOR IT IN UPPER

BODY STRENGTH.

BECAUSE HE WAS ABLE TO HOLD ON

TO THAT CHIN UP BAR WITH ONE

ARM WHILE LOWERING THE OTHER

ONE LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

AGING IS TOUGH IN WEST HOLLYWOOD

WHERE 40 IS THE NEW 80.

I'M NOT EVEN CONSIDERED OLD IN

WEST HOLLYWOOD.

I'M CONSIDERED INVISIBLE.

I COULD RUN THROUGH THE STREETS

OF WEST HOLLYWOOD IN AN EVENING

GOWN ON FIRE AND NOBODY WOULD

NOTICE.

AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

I BLAME IT ON STEREOTYPES.

THE STEREOTYPE OF A GAY MAN IS

25 YEARS OLD AND RIPPED WITH

MUSCLE.

AND I TELL YOU WHO'S THE

PERPETRATOR OF THAT IS

QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY.

DO YOU LIKE QUEER EYE FOR THE

STRAIGHT GUY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HATE THAT SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT IS EASILY THE FIVE MOST

STEREOTYPICAL GAY MEN I HAVE

EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST

CALLED THE SHOW THE FIVE WALKING

VAGINAS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND BECAUSE THESE QUEER EYE

GUYS, NOW EVERYBODY JUST

AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES THAT ALL

GAY MEN ARE NEAT FREAKS, WHEN

IN REALITY ON ANY GIVEN DAY,

MY HOUSE LOOKS LIKE THE FBI

JUST RANSACKED IT FOR EVIDENCE.

AND THE SICK THING IS THAT

INSTEAD OF CLEANING IT, I JUST

COME UP WITH ELABORATE EXCUSES

FOR WHY IT LOOKS THE WAY IT

DOES.

NOW WHENEVER I TAKE ANYBODY

NEW BACK TO MY PLACE, I OPEN

THE FRONT DOOR AND IMMEDIATELY

SCREAM, "OH, MY GOD.

I'VE BEEN ROBBED."

[LAUGHTER]

I AIN'T GONNA DO JAMIE KENNEDY.

HE'S A LITTLE THIN FOR ME.

IF I DID HIM, HE'D GET STUCK IN

THE CRACK OF MY ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO BLACK GUYS.

THAT'S MY THING.

HOW YOU DOIN', CHOCOLATE DADDY?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW YOU DOIN' BABY?

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE THE BLACK GUYS, MAN.

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY LOVE THE

PADUNKA-DUNK, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

'CAUSE I'M TELLIN' YA,

I'M POLITICALLY CORRECT BUT I

WILL TELL YOU, I STAND BEHIND

MY WORD.

ME AND MY BLACK BOYFRIEND

DARRELL JUST CELEBRATED OUR

2-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

C'MON, FOLKS, 2 YEARS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S 9 1/2 YEARS IN BLACK.

[LAUGHTER]

HE IS SO TERRIFIC.

HE'S SUPPORTIVE.

HE MAKES A LITTLE LESS MONEY

THAN ME.

SO I CALL HIM STEADMAN.

BUT YOU KNOW--

[LAUGHTER]

HE IS THE BEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

AND HE'S GREAT IN THE OLD SACK.

LADY, HAVE YOU EVER DONE A BLACK

GUY?

DO IT.

DO IT, YOU LITTLE WHORE.

DO IT.

AM I RIGHT?

IT'S WORTH THE SCREWED UP

CREDIT.

I'M TELLING YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU MAY NEVER BUY A NEW CAR

AGAIN.

BUT EVERY NIGHT YOU GET AN SUV

RIGHT IN THE HOO-HAW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT MY MOTHER I WAS SCARED OF

HER, 'CAUSE WE'RE ITALIAN AND

YOU KNOW HOW ITALIAN MOTHERS

ARE.

OH, MY GOD.

OH MY, GOD, MY MOTHER'S SCARY.

SHE'S OLD SCHOOL ITALIAN.

SHE'S LIKE PAULIE WALNUTS WITH

BOOBS.

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN NOW I TELL HER I'M DATING

THIS NICE BLACK GUY.

SHE'S LIKE, OOOOH.

DOES HE HAVE A JOB?

I'M LIKE HE'S BLACK NOT

HISPANIC.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

C'MON, MAN.

VAMPIRES DO MORE DURING THE

DAY THEN YOU FRICKIN' HISPANICS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE'S LIKE, WHAT IS HE, A DRUG

DEALER OR AN ATHLETE.

SO I GET PISSED.

I SAID, "LISTEN, BITCH".

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S A LAWYER.

NOW THAT'S A GOOD JOB,

RIGHT FOLKS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

WELL, HE'S NOT TECHNICALLY A

LAWYER BUT HE'S GOT THREE COURT

CASES NEXT WEEK.

[LAUGHTER]

THE BLACK GIRLS KNOW WHAT I'M

TALKIN' ABOUT.

THEY'RE ALL LAUGHIN'.

LOOK AT YOU KAWANDA, SHENIQUA,

PLACENTA, PROPECEA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EPIDURUL, BENADRYL, SUBPOENA,

BECAUSE THERE'S SOME TRUTH IN

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS

DATIN' AT MY AGE?

DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

TO FIND THE RIGHT MAN?

I STARTED DATING.

I MET MORE LOSERS THAN CRIPPLE

NIGHT AT KARAOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT MY MOTHER'S LIKE TYPICAL

ITALIAN.

SHE WANTED ME TO GET MARRIED

RIGHT AWAY.

BECAUSE I AM DIVORCED, YOU KNOW.

AND I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING.

MY EXERCISE HUSBAND WAS

375 POUNDS.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.

I'M NOT LYING.

LET ME ILLUSTRATE THAT FOR YOU'S

PEOPLE THAT DON'T GO TO THE

CIRCUS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR GUY'S

UNDERWEAR SAYS BVD?

[LAUGHTER]

HIS SAID BOULEVARD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE WAS SO FAT HE USED TWINKIES

FOR SUPPOSITORIES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT LET ME TELL YOU, WITH A

BIG GUY IT'S GOOD.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHEN THEY'RE

READY FOR SEX, 'CAUSE NAKED HE

LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THEM

BUTTERBALL TURKEYS WITH THE

LITTLE POP UP TIMER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THE THING ABOUT THESE BIG

ITALIAN GUYS, YOU KNOW HOW WE

GOT A PIECE OF ASS LIKE ME?

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE NOW THAT THE SOPRANOS

IS ON, ALL THESE BIG ITALIANS

LIKE THE LION SAY THEY WERE IN

THE MOB.

HE COMES UP TO ME, AND HE GOES,

"HEY, IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING,

DON'T WORRY.

I'M CONNECTED."

I'M LIKE YEA, YOU'RE CONNECTED

TO A FORK, YOU FAT BASTARD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, MY MOTHER LOVED HIM.

SHE THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE WHO

GOT AWAY.

SO NOW EVERY TIME ME AND MY

MOTHER GO TO A WEDDING,

SHE CAN'T WAIT FOR ME TO GET

MARRIED AGAIN.

EVERY TIME WE GO TO A WEDDING,

SHE COMES UP TO ME SHE GOES,

NEXT TIME MAYBE YOU.

NEXT TIME MAYBE YOU.

SO I NOW TAKE HER TO ALL THE

FUNERALS I CAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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