RETURN JULY 2014
Shaun Latham got into a lot of fights because of his lazy eye, Tommy Chunn knows the pros and cons of big breasts, and Carlos Oscar doesn't approve of pinatas.
But he is crazy.
I want to tell you guys
a Marty Moreno story. Okay?
We did a show atone of the casinos.
I won't say where,but it's pretty close.
after the show was over, we wentover to gamble a little bit.
and we're at a roulette table,
and we're,we're gambling, right?
But, apparently, the chips werereally old and really dirty,
so like you pick up one,and it would stick to four.
So we're playing foran hour, my hands
are covered with this stuff.So I tell Martin,
"We're losing our ass, dude,let's just go eat."
You know, I know I'mgoing to win there.
(audience laughing)Right? So we go over
to the café, and I go,"Martin, you know what, bro,
let me stop by the bathroom soI can wash this off my hands."
And he goes, "Gabe, don't worry,bro, I got it. I got Purell."
All right. Well, sure.So we go to the café,
and we sit down. We both order.
I go, "Hey, Martin, let meget some of the Purell."
All right? So he says,"All right, here you go,"
I go, "You know,man, it's not...
"not really cutting it.Can I get some more?" All right.
Oh, you know, Martin, it's notreally cutting the grime, bro.
I go, "You sure it's Purell?"
He goes, "Yeah, dude,look. It's Purell."
Well, all right.Let me get some more.
So I'm just rubbing it on and...
Nothing is happening.I'm getting frustrated.
I go, "Martin, are you sureit's Purell?"
And he gets pissed at me.
"Yeah! It's Purell, all right?
I looked at the bottle.
It didn't say Purell.It said "Pure Anal."
that the world isfull of trade-offs.
You know, you gotta takethe good with the bad.
Like, I... look at me, like,I have pretty good metabolism.
But... I got a lazy eye.
How you guys doing over there?
How you guys doing backthere behind the band?
I don't know what the hell'sgoing on right here.
You get in a lot of fights,growing up with a lazy eye.
'Cause no matter how I lookat you, it's the wrong way.
It's an allergy.
I just need a big antihistamine.
I need a Suda-fator an Acti-fat.
You know what I mean?
I could time-release this,you know what I'm saying?
'Cause I need a petite chickto fit in my fat cracks,
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause I can't haveanother big chick.
We will smother-love each other.
You know what I mean?
Trying to seewho's going to have
a heart attack or an orgasm.
"No, you gonna die."
"No, you gonna die."
"I ain't gonna die.You gonna die.
"I got Blue Cross.
"You need to open that window
"and stick your head outand catch some breeze,
before you bust your heart."
she's thick, too.
Boy, we had... we had...It was a chore.
You know what I mean?
And she's gota really big chest.
I mean, she's got Gs.
You heard of double Ds?
She got Gs, like she a gangster.
Like she an OG.
Like she got two dudesin a headlock.
I mean, no, they're beautiful,they're beautiful.
It's just, the problem is,when she fall asleep,
when she sleep on her back.
'Cause, you know,they roll up around her neck.
And they choke the hellout of her.
Like a titty turtleneck,you know what I mean?
With big brown buttons.
Yeah, man, I met this one girl,she told me she was celibate.
I said,"Well, if you celibate,
I'll buy a bit."
I got some drink ticketsand some chicken wings,
you know what I mean?
She talking about,"Let's go Dutch."
I said, "I'm black."
She said, "No, that meansyou pay for yourself."
I said, "Well, forget it.
Let's go Jewishand get a discount."
Know what I mean?
I said, "Let's go Indianand make some reservations."
I said, "Let's go blackand sneak in.
Or let's go Mexicanand sneak out."
I said, "Let's go Asianand buy the building.
Or let's go Araband blow it up."
there some Arabs in here?
(makes bullet ricochet noise)
I saw this Arab rap group,their name was Kaboom.
They're gonna blow up,they're gonna blow up.
So y'all like rap music?
Y'all like country?
How about country rap?
You knowwho else I like is Ice Cube.
He my favorite rapper.
But he be the same dudein every movie.
(imitating Ice Cube):You ever notice
everything Ice Cube do
be, like, the same thing?
He be like, "We did Friday,then we did another Friday.
"Then I did another Friday.
"I did a Sunday.
"I might do the whole weekend.
I did 19 Fridays."
(normal voice): What if, what ifIce Cube, like, was a doctor?
Like, he went to collegeand he specialized, you know,
but he still talkedlike a rapper.
What if he was, like,an OB/GYN, ladies?
What if he was your gyno,you know what I mean?
And you go, he be like,
"Yeah, Miss Jenkins,come on in.
"Go on and sit up on the thing.
"All right, then I'm gonnaneed you to scoot down.
He be looking for the problem,"Uh-huh, uh-huh."
He find it, "Ta-dow."
No, let me, no, let metell you something, okay?
Let me tell you,I love my wife,
but let me say something,ladies, this is the truth.
The truth: The longer we guysare married,
the dumber we thinkwe're getting.
I'm telling you.
Because after a while,
you can't even answera simple question.
No, you know that, guys.
She'll ask you."Are you wearing that?"
You're, like, "I don't know."
When did that happen, right?
I used to be ableto dress myself.
"I don't know."(moronic chuckle)
And they do stuffthat doesn't make sense.
And we love you, ladies,but you don't make sense, okay?
Oh, and she's likeevery Latina mom.
She-she fries everything, right?
You know, for Cheerios,they'll fry whatever, right?
But she makes, she makesthat Mexican sausage chorizo.
And the grease is poppin', man!
You go in that kitchen.
You know, when you get hit,you're messed up, right?
But nothing hits a Latina mom.
You're two-and-a-half inchesfrom the pan.
Pop, pop, right?(makes whooshing sound)
Right? The chorizo ninja.
Pop, pop.(makes whooshing sound)
You're back there, "Oh!"
And your cousin--"You're gonna make it,
you're gonna make it,you know?"
It's very dangerous, man,everything we do.
And, of course, we havesome of the most...
We have the most dangeroustraditions, Latinos.
That piñata has got to go,all right?
How does it...?You blindfold a child,
then you twirl him around
before he's gonna throw up,al-al-all right?
Then there's alwaysthat big kid.
There's always a big kid.Whoo...
That Josélito, he's big, right?
Five-two, 260 in second grade.He's big, all right?
You know him.
He's right over there.And he starts swinging, right?
And the kids are, like, "Ho-ho,"like they've never had candy.
And he cracks the piñata,and they dive... "Oh..."
And don't they understandJosélito can't see?
And he starts swinging on adownward plane to hit, right?
Kids are bleeding.
Tootsie Roll, they're tryingto put it in their nose,
"Stop the bleeding. Oh!"
Put 'em in the backof an ambulance.
"It was worth it.It was worth it."
"Sour power! Sour power!Sour power!"
The most dangerous part of thepiñata, let me tell you, is...
You know this is true.
Someone has to go on topof the house
to hold the piñata, right?
And the thing, it's becomean American thing.
Everybody's doing the piñata.
And it's the uncle.It's never...
Let me tell you,it's always that uncle
who's been drinking all day,right?
He's been all day.
He's on top of the house.
Let me see if I can...He's on top of the house.
with his beer and the string,right?
Right? And his wife crying,"You're gonna kill yourself!
Get down!"And he's all macho,
" Callate, que yo mando!
Aqui, yo mando!"
And he's white.Where did he learn Spanish?